“No contradictions here, only your mind makes it so. In the morning one says something which belongs to the morning; at midday one says things which belong to this time; in the afternoon and in the evening one will say what is suitable to that particular time. There is no contradiction. We speak according to the time, the place, and the state of the progress of the disciple…. I never will say anything praiseworthy about you to yourself, but to others I may.”
While he was talking, I kept looking at him. How is it that he has changed so much lately? He is different—there can be little doubt about it. He seems to acquire a different quality, a non-human aspect, a kind of transparency, something unearthly about him… a being from another world, so strangely beautiful… a quality of inner beauty coming more and more to the surface, becoming more and more visible to me.
Cannot explain what is happening. Can only look and wonder.
When I told him, he had only a boyish and happy laughter in response.
“Only things which you cannot explain are lasting. What can be comprehended with the mind is not a high state. If you cannot express it, cannot put it into words, those are things not of the mind, and they will go on forever!”
“Oh, please, help me! I am so confused!”
“Why should I?” He looked straight at me. “lf I begin to help you, you will ask again and again for help: how will you cross the stream?
You must do it yourself; I will not help. We all had to cross the stream alone.
“Don’t you realize that this is the way? I am telling you, showing you the way. THE ONLY WAY. Why don’t you realize that you are nothing? Complete surrender it means! It takes time. It is not done in one day. To pass an M.A. examination takes years. It takes time to surrender…. “
“How long?”
“The whole life, twenty, thirty years. If you live 1000 years, 1000 years won’t be enough. Sometimes you are near, sometimes very far away. I am helping you, as a matter of fact, but you cannot be aware of it, and I will never say so. My harsh words help you; my sweetness never will. Now, let’s take your case: you have renounced the world; all the material things you have renounced, apparently. But the invisible things, have you renounced them too? Renounced your character, your will, everything? The character one gets inherited from the parents, and together with the will it molds the life of a person. If you have not renounced your will, your character, in your case the surrender has not yet begun. Only the surrender on the physical level has been achieved, but this is the easiest one to achieve!”
Could not conceal my disappointment… how disheartened it made me feel—I doubt that I ever will reach the goal!
“Never, never think like this! Those are negative thoughts!
Failure should never be contemplated! But you should not lean on me; you must be able to rely on yourself alone. I am helping you and will do so in the future, but never will I say so. You will not know when and how you are helped. You will have to cross the stream not I. I can only create the conditions that you should be able to do it. And whatever you do, I will always tell you that IT IS NOTHING, and you should do more! Otherwise, how will you get rid of the shaitan (the devil) of pride?? However high you may think of me, believe me, I think ten times so much more of you!”
“Oh, Bhai Sahib!” I said, and felt quite awed at this statement.
“But I will never praise you; I may do so to other people when speaking of you…. Surrender is the most difficult thing in the world while you are doing it, and the easiest when it is done. I was on the line of surrender; my father, my uncle surrendered. I only followed them; it was not my merit at all. I just followed them….
And it is not a question of a day or two; it takes time. Those people whom you see here, most of the time, they don’t know how to sit before the Master, how to speak to the Master. All sorts of silly talk is going on!”
“But those are only outward, exterior attitudes—they cannot mean much,” I said.
“What is in the heart becomes expressed outwardly. The exterior reflects the inner attitude; it cannot be helped. If one feels reverence, it is bound to show itself. It is like love; it cannot be hidden. If I don’t speak to you for days, you just sit; if I speak, you speak, and never, never, must you complain.
“And this is the door; the ONLY DOOR to the KING OF THE HEART.
What is surrender of the Heart, you people do not even imagine… not only you Western people… I mean Indians too…. Learn to be nothing, this is the only way.”
He looked so gentle. He is changing… or is it I who am going around the bend? Could not take my eyes away from him. Elegant.
All in white. How the bones of the cheeks shone through the bronze-colored skin. A kind of transparent impression it gave… the half-closed eyes, an Oriental face all right…
“If you understand it, if you can express it, it will not remain, so you have said just now. So what kind of experience is that of which I can know nothing, and cannot understand? It is not mine, if I know nothing about it!”
“I told you so often: try to know my thoughts and wishes. Why, for instance, have you always adverse ideas? So many doubts? It is your character! It is rare that anybody surrenders at the first go, very few do it. Sometimes one is very near, sometimes very far away.
If the mind goes, where does the character remain? When nothing remains, what will remain?”
“Only love,” I said.
“Exactly,” he answered, and his eyes shone like stars. “Look what you were seven months before, and look where you stand now.”
“But there is such a long way to go,” I said, and felt very discouraged.
“This is the wrong attitude!” he exclaimed with emphasis; “never be discouraged; never think like that!”
“I do want to surrender completely, believe me; but how to manage it, how to achieve it? I feel an urgency; something is telling me that there is not much time left,” I said, and felt quite desperate.
“You will,” he said, shifting into a different position. He sat now in Guru Asana; he often sat like that when he was talking to me. No one has the right to sit in this Asana in the presence of the Teacher, so the tradition goes.
“You will,” he repeated; “you are put on the line and you will.”
“Oh, I wish you had told me all that before; so clearly and in detail, I mean. It is such a great help. But you never seem to have time to speak to me, even if I sit here for hours every day! Only lately it is different—you speak to me sometimes… !”
“Again: why such adverse thoughts come into your mind? I speak to you as I never spoke to anyone before! You must understand that you have to change completely. Everyone says: my character, my intelligence; everybody desires self-expression, to assert his individuality. You, for instance, have been successful with it in the world.
Your will, your character still runs after the worldly concepts, as they were used to do for so many years. You see, now it must be completely changed.”
He fell silent… a silence, almost physically felt, descended in the room. It was deep, so solid, one could hear the ringing sound of absolute silence. He glanced at the clock standing behind him in the recess.
“Are you satisfied? You can go home now,” he added casually, and I went. But I touched his feet before I left.
“May I do so? You don’t mind?” I asked. My heart was so full of gratitude.
“Yes, yes; it is a sign of true love, when the heart is full,” he smiled.
In the evening he was mostly speaking in English and translated some couplets: “The Beloved loves first, and the son is known by his father.” I did not understand but did not ask.
“Those who have no bondage, they keep no money, no worldly things remain with them. If you say to your lover: I will give you all the world—will he abandon his Beloved to get it? If you pour water through the sieve, those without bondage are the same…
9th June
I WAS SILENT THIS MORNING… had nothing to say. Neither
had he, for he prayed. Was still thinking over what he told me yesterday. All things of importance in my life usually happen on Friday. Felt that yesterday’s discussion foretells a change. It was an important day, and it was Friday. Some turning point is imminent. But what? I could not know, of course.
Slept little in the night. Thinking of the line of conduct to take, the difficulties ahead, and the thoughts were slow—the mind was revolving in a kind of slow-motion. Was very tired in the morning; the sheets under me were completely wet with perspiration; felt weak. The head was aching as if an iron band was screwed slowly tighter and tighter around it. A strong Loo was blowing. Left early for the Guru’s place. He did not come out. The headache became unbearable. Made myself a mango drink—it helps apparently against the effects of the Loo. Took a strong dose of aspirin. The headache went. Could not do a thing, it was so hot. Was lying half-dead on the tachat. The ceiling fan was moving boiling air around, with no refreshing result. The kitchen was full of hot air, and every object was covered with a fine sand.
In the evening he was recounting stories from his Rev. Guru’s life.
“There are things which are true and real but which cannot be explained. You speak often enough of him, and I know about your Rev. Father, and though I feel the greatest respect for him, because he is your father, still it does not mean to me more than that. But your Rev. Guru Maharaj was so real to me… from the moment when, in this room, for the first time you told me about him—just as real as yourself. So real, it seems to me that I even could describe what he looked like.” He listened, dancing sparks in his eyes, luminous in the fading light of the sky. Those eyes are stars to guide me… my guiding stars….
The prayer in the night went so well. It was a wordless pouring out of the whole of my heart. Such sweetness was in it; I was alone with his Rev. Guru Maharaj…. There was a moment when I had to stop, turned over, and went to sleep. Had to stop, the physical heart was aching so much, and I could hardly bear it.
10th June
WHEN I WAS ENTERING HIS GATE in the morning, he was sitting already, and quite a few people were present; he was talking to a man standing in front of him. Like a physical blow into my heart it was… to see him so full of light. Had a moment of deepest joy for being able to see it; it was as if his physical body was not a reality; it was submerged in the light surrounding it… only the light was real, but not the physical being.
I sat down. He did not seem to have noticed me and did not acknowledge my greeting. Later, in the room—we could not sit in the garden because of the dust—the same man was there who wanted a male child, and the baby of Durghesh was brought in, the little boy.
Guruji took the child from the mother… such tenderness was in this gesture as he was gently rocking it. I was deeply moved. When he looked down at the child in his arms, he seemed like one of those timeless statues of the Buddha of Compassion. And then I knew what was the transformation in him—the change which was the cause of constant perplexity lately—it was this: this quality of the superhuman in him. Whenever there was an opportunity, I kept asking people if they found any change in Guru’s appearance… in the last ten days or so. But everybody said, no, he was the same as usual. So, it made me think that it was only I who noticed it, and could not explain it. That is all I could say, but knew for certain that it was not due to imagination. I asked even Virendra, his youngest son; no, father is just as he always was, spending much time in Samadhi when he was alone, talking to people when they arrived. But to me he appeared so much more beautiful, more transparent, more full of light as the days went by. Clearly, I must be the only one who saw it.
When asked, he never gave an explanation; he only laughed or remained impenetrably silent. Watching him, I began to realize that he looked more and more as he did during the Bandharainhumanly strange, godlike, glorious. Yes, that was it… and I was full of wonder and very puzzled.
“Look at the child,” he was saying, “how beautiful he is.”
“What is that?” I asked, pointing to an object in a piece of cloth which the child had around his neck.
“It is a Yantra which I gave to his mother before he was born.
After years of married life, my daughter had no children, only miscarriages. My wife said to me: you give so many things to others, but you do nothing to help Durghesh whom you love so much. I refused then, at that time. But the Hint came from my Rev. Guru Maharaj, and I gave her a Yantra. And when we were at the Bandhara of my Rev. Guru Maharaj, he told me to go home, for I will have good news. When we went home, Munshiji came running and said that Durghesh had a male child and all was well. But he was so ugly when he was born. So ugly for the first few months. Black and ugly. My wife said tome: it is a male child but… it is as it is… not too beautiful… nobody will love him…. Wait, I said, he will be. And now: look at him, how beautiful he is and how fair!” He was right; the child was very lovely. “How I love him; of all the children, I love Durghesh best, and he is my most loved.”
“But Bhai Sahib, is it not Moha (attachment)?” I asked. He shook his head.
“If you go and have a bath in the Ganga, and you go out, does it remain with you?—of course not!”
“Oh, Bhai Sahib, every time I see you with this child, I have such a pity for you; poor Guru Maharaj, surrounded by so much Moha! It is bound to drag you into the womb again and again!” He shook his head ever so gently.
“So, the Shishyas want to teach the Guru and have pity for him. Is it so?”
“No, no,” I exclaimed, “not to teach you, surely!”
“But you pity me, is it so?”
I confessed that I did.
“Those who are always with their Guru do not possess worldly things. They rest in their Guru, and everything else does not touch them. I am merged in my Rev. Guru Maharaj. All else is here; I partake of it; I live my life according to my lights, however dim they may seem to you.”
He closed his eyes, rocking the baby gently; it was fast asleep in his arms. Durghesh appeared at the door from the next room. He gave her the child; she smiled and went out, the green curtain closing behind her.
“Let it go, let all things go, and see what will happen. This is the Way. Let it go; this is the answer, the Royal Road to everything.”
Complete silence fell. People who came in the meantime, sitting around, were all in Dhyana. Once more, I had the feeling that there was a meaning, a special meaning, intended for me alone. Mind was still. Truly, only Stillness is Reality….
11th June
IN THE NIGHT COULD NOT SLEEP. All the Chakras were humming…
fire was burning inside my belly… blood was liquid fire…
”You are the King of Contradictions; just to give an example: once you said, when L. was here, that there is no love in your heart, for anything or anybody except for your Rev. Guru Maharaj. A few weeks back when Prof. Batnagar was here, you said that your heart is so barren that you cannot love anybody at all. But one needs only to see you together with your grandchild, or to notice the look in your eyes when you were talking to the old Gupta yesterday afternoon, to see how much love is in your heart. How can I reconcile all that?”
He suddenly smiled, gaily and boyishly—the smile when he is much amused—but he said nothing. And so I sat there, talking all sorts of things, how to reconcile this and that, things so difficult to understand, and how untruthful he is, how he keeps denying what he said only a short while ago, and so forth.
Do not remember much, only his very still face, mask-like, devoid of all expression, as if separated from all else in space, and the mala slowly revolving in his brown and slender fingers.
14th June
JAGAN NATHJI TOLD ME in the evening, when Bhai Sahib was inside, that I should offer myself as a disciple; in his case it made all the difference, so he said. Prasad will be distributed, and he will accept you as his disciple. I said that I never thought of that. I feel that I am his disciple, and I am certainly treated as one; one need only look at the trea
tment he subjects me to, a treatment which, as far as I understand, is quite in keeping with the ancient Tradition.
Kept thinking of it though, during Kirtan; it didn’t seem to be a good thing to do somehow… will it not be wiser to leave it to him?
15th June
TOLD HIM THIS MORNING about it; he shook his head and agreed that I should not ask for such a thing.
“It is not for you,” was all he said.
So, in the evening, when Bhai Sahib went for a moment inside, Jagan Nathji asked me if I did as he suggested. I said nothing to him that I had consulted the Guru, but told him only that I thought it over and decided against it because it would be in contradiction with what I am trying to do, namely, grappling with the gigantic task of learning how to become nothing. If I ask him to become something, his disciple, that would be a limitation. It would be a contradiction in terms, an impossibility. In my relationship with him there are ancient rights and ancient duties. What he did to me since I have come here could not have been done to a greater degree even for a disciple, and I think I had better leave it entirely to him.
Related to him this conversation later, and when I mentioned the sentence about the ancient rights and ancient duties, he closed his eyes with the expression I know so well by now…. And when he prayed, he looked so pure, so serene, not of this world at all.
Mentioned how much I doubted yesterday and that the mind did not give me peace.
“It is not doubt,” he said, “it is so done… pressure is applied otherwise how will you be purified? Little by little you learn to be on the road without doubts, even without a shadow of a doubt. And even if you tell me about it or not: He who knows everything will tell me, and I will know.”
16th June
“TRUTH IS ONE; learned men call it by different names” (Rig Veda).
Prof. Batnagar quoted it. It was during a conversation in which he also was saying: “If you want God, you have to sell yourself first.
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