Later, sitting quite alone under the darkening sky after sunset, I reflected that in spite of the difficulties I have great peace sometimes, as today, for instance. But I forsee that in the months ahead, more than ever this dusty garden will be my only domain. Probably I will see very little of him. Went home when it was nearly dark. Venus, bright, very large, shimmering blue, was the only star in the fading light of the sky. Passing the open door with the chik drawn up, I saluted him, seated in the big chair by pressing my palms together.
He acknowledged it with a slight movement of his hand. When in bed could not fall asleep, such was the longing. Oh, good God, God of Infinite Love, help me to bear it! This is the ONLY WAY to bear it all… to pray…. Was waking up in the night full of peace and deep love. God was in the most intimate hidden corners of my Soul, in the very core of every cell of the body. My heart was trembling… and at the same time I was lonely and frightened and asked for help to be able to bear it, to bear what was bound to come…
12th October
NOBODY ELSE WAS THERE; he walked up and down; there was a ghost of a smile hidden in his beard. Looked at him fascinated; he did not look human… this light… becoming more and more like a being not of this world…. Workmen arrived to whitewash and redecorate his bungalow.
In the evening he sat outside on the tachat surrounded by his family-wife, sons, the grandchildren and Durghesh with the baby in her arms. I was sitting far away from them, under the trees.
15th October
THE LOVE WAS LIKE A PAINFUL FLAME… burning, eating deeper and deeper… : The mind does not give me trouble. Not even a little.
The Grace of God is with me all the time. I think I AM IN THE LANE OF LOVE.
18th October
HARDLY SEE HIM. Workmen make a lot of dust. The outside of the house is being repaired and cemented and whitewashed.
Sleep so badly. Have nightmares… a rare thing for me. Usually I never, or very seldom, have bad dreams. Was awakened many a time because of one or another horrible thing happening in my dream.
Saw the Master, in between sleep and waking, coming out of his doorway with a disfigured face, no chin or mouth, as if eaten away by birds. Only the eyes were like burning coals. Was very frightened.
The mind hardly works. The storm I know so well by now was blowing through my inside. Now, in nearly all my dreams, I search for something without finding it, and the feeling of frustration is intense. Yesterday, for instance, dreamt that I had the keys of L. ‘s room and searched in all her drawers and cupboards amongst her nylon lingerie and dresses (such frilly things they were), searched for my black bloomers, so it seems, or some other garment which belonged to me. Woke up most unhappy. Am under great suffering, but what it is cannot say—a sort of depression and giddiness, a sort of fear, a panic rather, and immense loneliness and such sadness… a sorrow as large as the universe….
Mind does not give trouble. It is hardly existent at all today.
19th October
THE FAMOUS VIBRATION is inside the Muladhara Chakra… going strong already for many days, especially today, very, very strong. But strangely enough, no suffering is attached to it. It just buzzes and buzzes with the sensation of heat, so strong that when I press the ear, especially the left one, against the pillow, I almost can hear it: ssss, it goes… a kind of hissing sound. In the evening saw him for a moment standing at the door. He looked irritated and angry.
22nd October
IT IS IN SILENCE and in darkness that the seed grows…. These are days of great stillness and peace. At least, every evening it descends upon me like a blessing. To rest in peace… how good it is.
He looks a bit better, though I saw him only from afar. He is still on fruit and vegetable juice, no solid food, so his daughter told me.
One cannot gain much strength on such a diet. He looks badtempered, and I heard him speaking severely to the servant and his sons who were coming and going intent on their affairs. But to me he seems to be magnificent. A kind of hardness about him, a sharpness of features. What a glorious human being….
Looked at the calendar of 1963 in my notebook. Could not help thinking what a difficult year it is bound to be. How far will I be at this time next year? What is going to happen to me until then?
Anything can happen… anything absolutely.
23rd October
LAST NIGHT, IT WAS DARK ALREADY; he came out and sat with us for a while. A few people, not many, were sitting around. Could not see his face distinctly. The night was windless, peaceful, full of fragrance; something is flowering nearby, smelling sweet and fresh. The sky was magnificent… Orion right in the zenith. Happiness suddenly pervaded me… deep, deep happiness. It seemed to belong to all the world, and for some mysterious reason which eluded me completely was mine alone. It seemed to grow out of the fragrant air, out of the serenity of the brilliant stars, the velvet of the sky coming from space, it seemed.
36 The Dream
I AM DEEPLY CONCERNED about the Chinese situation on the frontier.
What will the future bring? How will it be if there is a war?
Every day since his illness I have been reading Rudyard Kipling’s “If” aloud. It helps me.
“If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which say to them: Hold on!”
Yes… just to hold on… in spite of everything. It is a consolation to read it aloud. It gives a kid of sorrowful pleasure….
27th October, 1962
“YES” HE SAID, looking up from a deep Samadhi, “I was ill, very ill, the illness was about to be fatal. But I was so hinted by my Rev.
Guru Maharaj and by my father that I still have to live. I will live for a while more… until… until you can do your work,” he said it half-audibly, and closed his eyes.
Later he said softly, shaking his head in answer to my remark: “No, I was not angry, never angry, never. No such feelings are there for you in my heart. Now I will stay herefora while.” He smiled kindly.
“If you will be ordered to stay behind and finish the work: you will do; if not…” and he made a gesture, his hand pointing skywards as to indicate that I will go with him. His smile was something to be seen. Yes, Bhai Sahib, I KNOW: you will be with me always (and I will be with you), until the end of time….
28th October
IN THE MORNING THE MIND was worse than ever. Such power was rushing through the whole of the body, could not sit quietly, was fidgeting—it was a suffering. He came out and walked up and down. I noticed that he gave me a quick look, then went inside. Something has been done while he was walking, because the flow of Shakti was increased. It was like being tortured, the storm blowing through me.
Went home full of peace, in spite of the raging storm inside. Did not write the letter to the bank as intended. Tomorrow is a holiday, Divali, so there is no hurry. Wrote a bit in my diary. Hosla, the servant, came at quarter past four telling me to come; apparently all were going to Samadhi. Was not yet ready. Hurried, though I knew that nobody will be ready, anyhow, in time. Nobody was, of course. I waited at his place for more than half an hour. He came out walking with a stick very slowly with difficulty, and he looked very weak. We all crowded into the lorry. He stood there watching us embark.
During the journey everybody was very jolly, much talk and laughter, especially when the driver had to brake suddenly at the traffic lights, and everybody fell on the floor including his wife and all the children. I was as in a dream. When we arrived, the sun was just setting in the transparent, greeny sky, not a cloud in the air. It looked like a large Chinese lantern suspended low in the orange haze.
The plain was still, serenely waiting for the darkness… and so much fragrance of some herbs smelling bitter-sweet. While we were walking down to the mausoleum, the sun disappeared behind the groups of mango trees in the distance. He was walking in front, so infinitely weak he was; I think he looks so frail and so old
… thirty years older, so it seemed. When seated down, he fell immediately into a deep state, but not for very long. Children were screaming and making much noise as usual, but somehow it did not disturb me as in the past.
I felt the power of the place, the atmosphere, the lovely evening.
How exquisite can be the evenings in India! Something special about them. Nothing really could disturb the peace of such an evening, ever. Spiritual life for me, always, and nothing else for the rest of my life, I thought. We walked back to the truck, the plain was in the dust already, the sky of the palest orange, so delicate. It was so peaceful.
On the way back, while the lorry was bumping along through the brightly lit bazaars full of children, Divali crackers, fireworks and much noise, I thought that really my troubles are now over. In peace or in war, if you go or remain, no matter what you or I be doing, I will be in infinite peace. Will be with you somewhere in stillness. You will be with me until the end of the days, to paraphrase the words of Jesus.
This is the end, Guru Maharaj; when you were so ill, all was dying in me. The mind crashed before me and will not give me trouble anymore. It is the end. The end of a period. A milestone. While we were sitting inside the mausoleum, the vibration was so strong that it bothered me with the sensation of intense heat. And even now it is going on while I am writing. Have a nervous stomach condition, and the body feels weak. Went to bed with the feeling that my troubles are over….
29th October
HE SAW ME COMING but did not acknowledge my greeting and looked away, talking to his wife. I don’t mind. No more. There is a certain understanding now—that it has to be like this, and it is for the good.
Went home soon. There is less power bothering me today. Had great peace sitting in the garden, thinking that it will be always like this now… at least some kind of peace. Everybody says how peaceful his place is. It never was for me, or very seldom. Perhaps it will change now? Did not see him in the evening.
31st October
HE CAME OUT SOON AFTER I sat down. Talked to Sageji and the one-eyed Takur.
“Posted the letter?” he began as an opening. I said that I did it long ago. But I was not sure which letter he meant. He was telling me that he got some news from Mme. Bruno and Gretie and that they were coming in ‘63. I managed to tell him in between that the vibration was in the soles of the feet.
“It has a reason,” he said quickly, “everything has a reason.
Sometimes there is an increase of sex feeling, sometimes the mind is affected, sometimes something else.” He looked at me thoughtfully.
I pondered. I knew that all those vibrations have to do with Ida, Pingala and the Shushumna, only he uses different expressions to describe them. (Ida, Pingala, and Shushumna are the principal nadis or conduits of pranic force in the human body to which all others are subordinate. Of these three, Shushumna is the most important, situated in the interior of the cerebro-spinal column. Pingala is on the right side of it and is the conduit for the positive, solar current of prana, whilst Ida on the left side is that of the negative, lunar current.) But what is the vibration supposed to do in the soles of the feet?
I said that the vibration is a kind of handmaiden who does the cleaning work, a kind of purifying process. If it is in the heart, the heart goes wild; if it is in the throat, there is a sense of choking or suffocation, and at the base of the spine a sensation of heat; and I told him that I can’t understand why it is in the feet. “I just stick my feet out and go to sleep,” I said.
He smiled with half-closed eyes. “I never cover my feet,” he said with a smile, closing his eyes completely. Was it a hint? Meaning that he too has the vibration in his feet? I wondered….
This afternoon I experienced what must be pure bliss. I always thought that bliss must be a kind of passive joy. It is. It is made up of non-being and stillness. A nearness immersed in infinite stillness. It is not so dynamic as the state I call “prayer,” which is a kind of pouring out without ever being diminished, and at the same time a flowing within, in absolute glory. Bliss is different—a state of being composed of peace, and it is so tender.
He came in with his wife from the street armed with a walking stick; he was probably out for a walk or to see a neighbor. Babu brought him a chair; he sat down and his wife went inside.
“There is no enjoyment in this world,” he said with a smile.
“None at all. They say that to have a wife, to have children, is a great pleasure: it is not.”
I said how right he was. Later, when he came back after having had his milk, he was silent for a long while.
“My Rev. Guru Maharaj was so beautiful, so radiant, when he was about to leave this world,” he said dreamily. “He was telling me this and that, giving me the last instructions, and I kept thinking how wonderful he looked and what joy it must be for him to be able to go.” He fell silent.
“I will finish the work somehow or other, and I will go too.” Again he fell silent. For half an hour or more, we sat in silence. There was the most perfect peace. I was thinking how the situation had changed for me; before, I would have thought to say this or that to him, or perhaps wondered why he does not speak. You gave me this gift of God, this Love, I thought. Why me? There must have been orders behind it, or course. Perhaps I will know, one day. Or perhaps never….
1st November
YES, I AM NOT MISTAKEN; the vibration is no more at the base of the spine where it was going strong for many weeks with a sensation of heat; it is now in the soles of my feet… and somewhat stronger in the left foot. For the first time I felt it a few weeks ago, but thought that I was mistaken. Now there is no mistake. It is going on softly, and I had to sleep again with my feet uncovered, so hot they were, though the night was very cool. What could it be? There are small Chakras at the soles of the feet, as there are in the middle of the palm of the hands. But why should the vibration go there? What is the purpose?
In the morning he came out and sat in the sun for quite a while. But he did not say anything to me, and I don’t speak to him lately when he does not address me. The whole family including the wife were crowding around him discussing all sorts of matters. I just sat looking at the garden, the chipmunks running up and down the trunks of the trees and making funny chirping noises.
In the evening he came out for a moment, gave me a quick glance, and went inside. He must have seen that I had peace. This is the System: when the Shishya is in the state of nearness, the Guru will avoid him, and be kind when the trouble begins.
2nd November
HE SAT OUTSIDE but did not talk to me. A young disciple was there who came to see him after a long absence, so he was talking to him all the time. The whole family was there too, standing and sitting around, and once he looked at me and asked: “Is there any news?”
I did not answer, could not, so much power was rushing through me like a noisy cataract—only made a gesture with both hands to denote that there was nothing new. There was of course; but how could I tell him in front of all the others?
Then he went into the room and asked me if I wished to remain or wanted to go home. I said that, if he does not mind, I would like to stay. So, I went inside with all the others; he was talking to the young disciple all the while. I sat there and was thinking that I haven’t been in this room for many weeks… since his illness, actually. The room was badly distempered in green, as it was before, and the person who did it had no idea how to do it properly. Was reflecting how I redecorated my own house myself, in Harrow—it was a very different matter, even got a compliment from a professional decorator; he never suspected that I did it myself, and told me that I had a good workman do my decorating. I thought it was a compliment.
3rd November
LAST NIGHT HE DID NOT come out at all. Am full of peace. Fell asleep praying. There was no vibration at all save for about ten minutes when I was waking up. It was at the base of the spine, but it stopped soon.
The young disciple came and they were talking. I
asked if I could ask a question. He looked at me kindly: “Yes,” he said. Told him that, as he already knows, for the last four days the vibration was in my feet, but yesterday it stopped. It was much stronger in the left foot, and the left foot was hotter… has it to do with me being a woman?
“Things come and go. And that it was felt stronger on the left has to do with the circulation of the blood. It has nothing to do with you being a woman. Some forces are different with men and women, some vibrations too, but not this one. If there is no circulation, there would be no vibration. If one is healthy, one feels these things much quicker. If there is no cavity in the heart, the heart is healthy; butif there is one, how can the Guide find the way to the Heart of Hearts?
A healthy body does not mean a fat one; one can be thin but healthy.
I was the youngest disciple of my Rev. Guru Maharaj—youngest in years, but I was the healthiest one. The heart must be good. There must be nothing wrong with the heart; this is important.”
I knew what he meant of course; the Heart of Hearts is the “Inner Heart”; he mentioned in the past that we have two hearts. Then he proceeded to tell us how many astrologers predicted his death especially in the year when he got his Adhikara from his Rev. Guru Maharaj, and were astonished that he was still alive. I told him that according to some books, when one is on the Path, all predictions are wrong because the human being takes the destiny in his own hands.
“Maybe, maybe,” he said thoughtfully, “but it also could be that the question of death was wrongly interpreted.” I understood.
Adhikara would be the death of the self… not the real death of the body. Told him I think that in his illness he himself crossed another barrier, passed a frontier, so to say.
“You are right; it is so.” And he looked far with a distant expression in his wonderful eyes.
If I remember well, it was the French archaeologist woman who had said that from the mystical point of view his eyes are exceptionally beautiful.
Daughter of Fire Page 38