“I think that I told you before that between two and four in the morning, when I cannot sleep, there is something which I call: THE CALL FROM YOU. It actually is like a call-everything in me seems to relax, and I fall asleep immediately.”
“Yes,” he interrupted, “I am never careless with you. I do what I ought to do. I sleep only until eleven, only while Satendra massages me I sleep, otherwise I don’t. I do my duties whatever they may be.”
Told him about the vibration in the brow Chakra; it was going softly.
“Yes, it was going softly,” he repeated, nodding with a smile. There was an interruption… but I was determined to know more. “Is this the Chakra which, when developed, causes us to become clairvoyant?”
“Yes, yes; but what do you mean by ‘clairvoyant’? It is not a very high state!”
“You told me it is still on the level of the mind.”
“Yes.” And after a moment of silence he added: “It is the Chakra of order.”
“Why order?” I wasn’t quite clear what he meant.
“Orders are issued from there!” he laughed, and turned to others to plunge into a vivacious discussion. I knew the interview was finished for tonight. Soon he got up and sent us all home. Walking away, I knew that orders are not only issued but also received in the same way. That’s how it is going to work, when I am away from him, I thought: he needs to give only a half explanation, and full understanding comes… it is great really.
18th November, 1962
I WOKE UP ABOUT 4 A.M. Got up, and there was no vibration at all. I was full of stillness. Bhai Sahib has forgotten me—he is probably full of pain, suffering… perhaps he does not sleep. Is it possible that I should be without any kind of sensation—even if it means trouble after I had them for so many months?
The mind seemed to work well when I went to his place. Satendra told me that father was full of pain all night. He came out after a while and sat in the sun.
“Too much weakness is there,” he said shaking his head. “And severe, constant pain. It is a bit better just now.”
How weak he looked… it was painful to look at him. I asked him if my answer to Prof. Batnagar was correct… that love in itself had nothing to do whatsoever with sex feelings. Sex feelings are something quite different… they belong to a different level of being; and if one has them, they interfere with spiritual love.
“Quite to the point,” he said, “absolutely; and after you had explained it to him, he understood, and what is more, he accepted it.” He laughed his young laughter. He was sitting on his chair, knees under his chin, laughing gaily and translated it to the Sannyasi.
Later, in conversation, I said that it was interesting to observe how, at the beginning, the Guru IS God; it is as if the human being embraces tightly the idea of the Guru as being everything, but little by little the Guru disentangles himself from the embrace, so to say, and points to God. He smiled happily.
“Yes, at first the Guru IS GOD for the Shishya. But when you begin to merge into the Guru, you begin to understand that there is Guru AND God. Later only One will remain. When you are not merged into the Guru, how will you realize God?”
He told us a Persian story in which the disciple is asked by his Guru to believe in God… just to believe blindly, without asking why. “If you don’t believe in God, you cannot realize Hirn. How can one realize something if one does not believe in it?” Only too true….
And later: “It is the Law of our Line: you get as much money as you spend. At first the human being relies on himself, on his own cleverness, but later, he is tauglit to trust God, and God provides for him…. “
Frightening, I thought… very much so….
Evening
A FEW TIMES DURING THE DAY I was thinking: Guru Maharaj has forgotten me… no vibration, no longing, no despair—nothing just stillness. Fancy that… my body is so used to violent pressure of all kinds, my emotions are so used to turmoil by now, that anything, even trouble seems better than nothing.
When sitting in my kitchen and drinking tea, I happened to look inside my heart; then I knew that I was not forgotten… I was resting in Him, the whole of my being, body and all. On the level of emotions there was a glittering, limitless Ocean of Love… no end of it, wherever I looked… I could see no shore… it stretched beyond the horizon, and I was drowned in it… but peacefully, gently. The mind was still, a silent pool, where only His Image was reflected… an Image which was no Image at all, for it had no shape, only KNOWING. The thoughts were slowly circling around this non—Image, like gliding birds on the wing, and there was the softest longing…
Somehow I WAS NOT, and I WAS, so deeply, intensely alive, like never before… NON-BEING, in the deepest, fullest meaning of existence. Nirvana. The nearest to Nirvana on earth. The wordsNearer to you than breathing, closer than hands and feet-came into my mind, and the sentence from the Koran: “I am closer to you than your very neck-vein.” And I knew that even when separation is created in the future—as alas, it often will be—the feeling of this sweetness, of absolute belonging, will haunt my memory forever. It cannot be described adequately, fleeting as it is, so intimate, so subtle.
Will try to speak to Bhai Sahib if I have the chance. To talk to him becomes more and more difficult as the days slide by. I sort of dissolve, or go down-under, when I am before him. Such evanescent, subtle things, how can they be expressed when one feels like falling at his feet? Is it surrender? Is it that? Since September the nearness, each time it returns, increases day by day.
Sat outside as usual tonight. There was much coming and goingthe brother was giving a tea party. It was dark in the garden; the street lamps were not lit. Could not go away… heard his voice, so sweet in my ears… heard his wife’s laughter… then he was speaking and again this laughter. Remember, sang my heart… remember… soon it will be a memory…. Few clouds were floating in the serene void; big stars shone in the southern sky.
19th November
VISION: In the morning just as I was waking up, I saw him clearly: he came out of his door and looked at me—he had no mouth, no nose, and the whole lower part of his face was missing… only large, luminous, enormous eyes, blazing with green-golden light. It was a strange face indeed, and I was most astonished. He looked at me fixedly and went inside. Kept wondering, when awake….
“This is the second time that I see you coming out of your door with the lower part of your face missing… and enormous eyes of green-golden light. It must have a meaning—you looking at me so fixedly.”
“It is not to be explained just now. You will know it one day.“The usual evasion… tiresome….
“It has a very deep meaning,” he added and went into Samadhi.
“Do we surrender to our Master or to God?” I asked.
“You should not ask this question now,” he said. Perhaps because the man with whom he was talking at the moment knew English very well. The man stayed for a while talking and left when he began to sing. I waited. He sang, and each time it does something to me when I hear it; it reaches right beyond the mind. He was singing for a while, and I knew that it was done on purpose, because I have to learn to wait before I may speak. Tears were running down my cheeks. I remembered that, when he was so ill, I thought I would never hear him sing again. When he stopped and remained silent, I waited for him to begin once more, and when he did not, I said: “Do you know, this is the first time that I have heard you sing since you were ill? If you only knew how often I was thinking that I will never hear you sing again.” He made a movement with his head which could be interpreted in any way, but his eyes were tender.
21st November
WE WERE SPEAKING OF MY FUTURE WORK and how to present it to people. He said one should always say something for the good minds, something for the few, and the rest for the general run. His teaching is full of contradictory statements.
“Contradictions they are not,” he said with a smile, “because from the level you look at them they will prove to be correct
…
according to the state you are in. You will understand it one day, what I mean, and you will speak automatically… the right thing according to the necessity of understanding of those to whom you speak.
“Avoid speaking about Karma. The time will come when you will understand yourself, but avoid explanations. It is not helpful. It can only be comprehended when one has reached a certain level of understanding. And this level is not of the mind.”
22nd November
WHEN! CAME, HE WAS SITTING OUTSIDE ALONE. Unusual. As soon as I sat down, immediately a terrific storm began to sweep through me, turning me inside out. Could not move… was fighting for breath—it was like being beaten down. He stood up, walked up and down for a while, then went inside.Just when I began to think that he will not come out anymore, he came out and sat down again. He translated a Persian couplet which he sang to the Sannyasi in Hindi: “If somebody speaks ill of you, give him the place of honor in your courtyard; for he will be the cause of you being able to better yourself. A friend will not tell you the truth, but an enemy will; and it is a Grace and a Good Fortune to have a Sat Guru, for it is due to him that you will be able to bear cutting remarks and become better.”
“I wonder if, for instance, the disciple is united with the Master and the little self is no more, can he still be affected when people speak ill of him or cover him with calumnies?”
“Such people are always offended by others,” he said.
“Yes, but do they FEEL offended? If they have surrendered and have no self?”
“Why not? Even God can be offended!”
“How amazing!” I exclaimed, “I did not know that! They say in the Christian religion that one can offend God, but I did not believe that.
I thought that God can never be offended; how can our offense reach such a Great Being?” He shook his head.
“This is another matter—that He cannot be offended; but if you don’t believe in Him, you offend Him, is it not?” I could see what he meant.
Later when we were alone for a short while, I told him I felt it a great and incredible experience: the nearer I am to him, the nearer I seem to God; the more I pray to God, the nearer I am to him. It is a closed circle. He nodded very slowly.
“I complained some time ago that this love is one-sided—it has no happiness, no peace in it… at that time it was like that. But now it is utter bliss and just cqrries me along, seemingly effortlessly. Only it is not in my character to sit back and do nothing, so I still make an effort: I pray like mad…. Last night I prayed and prayed and got myself into big trouble: the vibrations became so strong that I could not sleep. He nodded repeatedly his assent as if he already knew all about it. “What is the meaning of green-golden color?’ And I told him about my vision: a face with no nose or mouth, or beard—just huge blazing greeny-golden eyes, staring at me for a moment… and then he went inside.
He nodded softly and said, “The fact that the Vision came twice is of deep philosophical meaning; just go on noting down everything, every experience. Through experience, understanding will come. I cannot explain it now; it would be beyond your understanding.
Colors have a great significance; nowhere is it explained so well as in our Yoga System. Green is the best possible color: it means that you will soon realize the Absolute Truth.”
I held my breath. Good God, I thought…. “And the golden color?” I asked, looking at him as if hypnotized, not daring to think, not daring to hope…. “All I know is that the golden color is of great spiritual significance.”
He nodded. “Our Line, the Nakshmandia Dynasty, is called ‘the Golden Sufis.”’
“What a significant vision!” I gasped, “but the meaning of no nose or mouth?” He did not answer, but went into Samadhi. Can it really be true, that soon… did not dare to believe it.
He opened his eyes: “Many and wonderful things can be given,”
he said gently, “but who wants them?” His expression was remote and infinitely sad.
I want it, I thought ardently, and you know it! Oh, I want it and how!
“Sometimes one takes somebody to a high state and they do not progress—there is no desire.” He fell silent suddenly and looked so sad, as old as the hills. Nobody wants Him, he seemed to think tenderly; Him who is Infinite, Endless, the Fount of Inexpressible Bliss… nobody wants Him …. “There is only one way,” I said and felt like crying, “to pray and to pray with the whole heart!” He made a movement with his head sideways which could be interpreted in any way one wished.
When I left, my heart was singing, and I was walking on clouds. Is it true? Could it be? I dared not believe it …. I will progress, I thought, I will!! Because I want You so badly, so infinitely, so endlessly! I want the Rootless Root, the Causeless Cause, and I will not rest till I have reached the Goal!
The Union with the Master is the first step, that much I know; later comes the rest. And the rest has no limit….
Bits of conversation belonging to this period: What is a vision?
Something invisible which becomes visible. Clairvoyance is not a high state; great importance is attached to it in the West, but it is nothing; it still belongs to the realm of the mind. What is of the mind can never be of a high state. High states can never be registered by the senses.
“In order that the self should go, I switch the mind off and put the vibration on. Of course there is trouble: there will be trouble. Who wants the self to go? Who wants those things?”
“Oh, I do,” I said. “And I prayed so much for help, and you know it.”
“Yes, I did know it,” he laughed merrily. “You should pray .. . it is very helpful. The process is very simple: the heart Chakra is activated, and when this happens the mind automatically slows down. The Buddhic quality has the chance to break through, and ultimately the self will go.” (Discussing future work) “You will stand up and speak: but somebody else will speak for you.”
I quoted a verse from a poem of] alahuddin Rumi: “Who cries for the place of pain in the receptacle of Love?” He softly closed his eyes and made me repeat it slowly, then he nodded.
“Do you remember what you said this summer? ‘Only idiots follow me.’ I would consider it an honor to be called an idiot by you.
We are called the Idiots of God.”
“I only remember the essence. I avoid to burden my mind. Things are said as they are needed at the moment… in order that they should help for the moment when needed… for a while. Then one can forget them. And it is never a contradiction; one speaks according to the stage on which the disciple is at that moment.
“In the Indian Scriptures they believe in Devas; they say Devas are higher than men. We, Sufis, we don’t think like that; we say man is much higher, can go higher than the Devas. There is a point, a barrier on the Path of Devayan, where Devas must stop; they cannot go further. But man can—right to the Union with God.
“Book knowledge… people are obsessed with it. The real Knowledge, the Wisdom, is in the Soul, in the Heart of Hearts. They should try to realize the Self—for that no books are needed….
“My father also gave me something. But he gave it to me AFTER my Rev. Guru Maharaj gave me what he wanted to give. He couldn’t do it before, because nobody can give before the Guru gives; it would be useless ••.. My Rev. Guru Maharaj was of the Nakshmandia Dynasty, or Line, and my Rev. Father of another Sufi School. I represent both Dynasties through their Grace.
“You must want the Truth as badly as a drowning man wants air; and the roads to God are as many as human beings.”
39 “And the Grace of God Will Be with You”
23rd November, 1962
LAST NIGHT HE WAS NOT THERE at all, and I have not seen him. I sat outside as usual; a golden sunset was declining gently; the sky was full of small luminous clouds. A large star floated inside all this gold… it must be Venus. Peace was with me, perfect bliss and nearness.
Satendra was talking to me, but it did not disturb the peace; the utter seren
ity of the darkening garden and the fading light of the sky all seemed to deepen the peace within. Such unbelievable bliss; it can only be expressed in cliches such as, bliss which passeth understanding, and similar dramatic similes… but they don’t convey the real glory of it. After all those months, more than one year of trouble, it felt double wonderful, like a blessing.
People came and I went home. There was very little vibration: I am sure this was so because I told him yesterday that by praying intensely I put myself in trouble and could not sleep. It is enough to mention the trouble and it is gone….
DREAM: I was just about to open a door, when it opened and a group of men came in, and I and Bhai Sahib, who was standing beside me, stepped respectfully back to let them pass. A man was in the middle of the crowd of others who seemed to be his disciples. He was magnificent, not too tall, slender, a regular face, rather dark complexion, a jet-black, well-trimmed beard. He wore a sort of light brown kurta and white longhi. Immediately it was apparent to me that he was a great man, and how handsome he was! In passing he said to us with a smile: “Was it you two who bothered me last evening?” He passed by laughing, followed by others, and I wondered who he might be. His remark was clear: “you two” meant Bhai Sahib and myself, and I dimly remembered that Bhai Sahib spoke to me about this man, and this man seemed to know about it. Then they all went into a large room, like a glass-covered veranda, with a glass partition through which I saw that very delicious tea was served to them, but only men were present. What a pity, I thought, that in the Muslim countries at such gatherings only men are present; ladies are not allowed. I was in the adjoining room seated at a large table with women and children; we were having tea too, but I was watching servants carrying cakes and sandwiches through the veranda. As soon as the guests began to come out, I went to them, for I wanted to know who the great man was.
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