“No, I don’t ask you.” But I knew that I will stop it….
Surrender means: everything must go…. He looked at me thoughtfully.
“Man must be man for his family and his surroundings; man must be man for his disciples; man must be man to kill the self.” Of course I understood that he meant the human being, not particularly the male sex.
One by one they pass, the golden days, full of the fragrance of spring…. How I am going to miss your luminosity, the sky of delicate blue, the sleeping in the middle of the courtyard, the sunshine day after day, the smell of the wind coming from afar, sweeping thousands of miles of plains…. How homesick I will be… I know it….
In full moonlight, until seven, we all sat in the evening. He did not speak to me save once when he remarked that Swamiji was saying that the flow of Grace was such for a few days, that no matter where one was, one could feel it. I said that he was quite right. The vibrations were very strong and I was enveloped in currents of Shakti all the time. And this too I will be missing much, I know….
Translations of the songs the young man had sung during the Bandhara on the 31st January:
“I leave my boat in Your hands, and it is safe with You….
You can take it into the stormy waters or in a lagoon, I have no claim, I do not ask for anything…. You take over, I surrender to You, and You guide my boat, wherever You like, wherever it needs to be….
“Do not mind my sins, for it is said that whoever comes to You trustingly and stands before You in surrender, You will not look at his sins…. You are like Pars (Pars was something which could make iron into gold, but he could not explain what Pars really was. I imagine it must be some kind of Philosopher’s Stone), You make iron into Gold. You make into Gold the iron which comes from the temple of knives, and also the one with which flesh has been cut. And the more iron there is, the more Gold there will be….
“Other sinners may have come to You, but I am the greatest sinner, so my qualifications are the greatest. This is how a Bhakta speaks to His Lord…. “
And a little story from the Scriptures:
A man was walking down a path and suddenly he noticed that the earth where he was just standing had a wonderful fragrance.
“Oh dust,” he addressed it, “why is it that you smell so nice?
Are you a special dust?”
“No,” said the dust, “I am just as any other dust, but once a tree stood here and the flowers used to fall to the ground. I was permeated with fragrance, but it is not me, I am just the same dust as any other…. “
And he added that “all good things come from the Guru and all the bad things are my own.” And he smiled. He was so thin and good looking; on his hip he was carrying a baby—he had six already, he told me, and he is a poor man. They are in a hurry to make children in this land….
3rd February
I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YESTERDAY sitting there in the morning, the heart went simply crazy. Went inside the room and asked Babu for his watch. I counted 120 pulse beats per minute. He did not believe me so he checked first the right then the left wrist. It was correct. Bhai Sahib wanted to know why I went into the room. Told him that my heartbeat is twice its usual which is a little more than sixty per minute. So I asked Babu to check it; I could not believe it.
He laughed. But said nothing. I think he did not notice that today I had no lipstick. He would not notice a thing like this….
4th February
HE WENT OUT EARLY to visit a dying woman and I went home. Had to write letters. Could hardly bear the vibrations, cried with love. Went to his place about three, sat in the shade of the mango tree; he came out about five. Cried all the time there was so much love, so much longing. And could not stop. Feel pale without lipstick. How a habit can imprison us. Of course he noticed that I was crying, and I hoped that he should not think that the mind is giving me trouble. I really did not know why I was crying; it seemed to me because the waves of love were so strong …. If the body is well, one can bear it, but if the body is weak or not well, it just becomes too much….
He began to tell me that he went to see a woman but she was dead by the time he arrived. Told him that I did not feel too well and asked him if he had fever, perhaps I am catching his. No, he said he had no fever, but it seems to him that I have. I was shivery in fact, so probably I will have fever. I got a thorn into my toe when walking through the gate into our compound (I wear open sandals), and did not notice that it remained inside—I only felt a prick. Sat there yesterday and had pain, so when I went home I examined it and found that there was something still inside. Could not get it out so deep it was, and it was giving pain, so I fomented it. Got it out at last and it was nearly one quarter of an inch long. Dirt was still inside and those small shivers could mean infection.
“Don’t take any notice of me,” I said. He was looking at me quietly. “I don’t cry because I am worried…. Not at all… it is… you know…. ” I did not want to mention in front of everybody that there was too much love. He nodded and sent me home soon, and I cried and cried at home and could not bear it….
Beloved, I thought, there is so much of it, so deep it is, so tormenting, so endless, cannot bear it…. Like a desperate one I cried sitting in the kitchen having my meal; the tears were dropping into it; it tasted salty. Then I stopped, fell asleep after having fomented my foot; it didn’t look too bad, only the toe was a bit inflamed. Fell asleep with such a longing for Him. Had a peaceful night.
Woke about four. The heart was going like mad. Such was the beat that the whole body was vibrating from head to foot. The stars of the Great Bear above my head were huge and shimmering like diamonds, winking.
Got up, had a cup of coffee, felt hungry suddenly. Fell asleep.
5th February
IN THE MORNING I BROUGHT THE LETTER with me which he said he will look into. Many people were sitting. Plenty of talk was going on.
Sannyasi with his horrible croaking voice was getting on my nerves.
Tulsi Ram was smelling like a goat. Began to pray. Help me to have faith…. Be merciful with me…. Prayed because it seemed to me that the mind wanted to take over and give trouble, the love seemed less. So I prayed and prayed and the mind had no chance… it did not trouble me. I waited for him to see the letter but he kept the Sannyasi, and when he wanted to take leave, he engaged him in a conversation and encouraged everybody to talk a lot. He is testing me…. Finally his wife came out telling him that his bath was ready. He took the letter from me, read it, nodded.
“It is all right,” he said, “I am going inside to have my bath.” I went home. Here we are, I was thinking. No use to be irritated, he WILL keep doing it. I will always be sacrificed to every man with smelly feet, to every Sannyasi with a horrid voice, to every Tulsi Ram…. I am on the way of sacrifice and should be really grateful for the opportunity instead of being resentful and irritated. Yes, grateful for the opportunity…. This was it…. And I felt light, and I felt good suddenly, as if a light bulb was switched on in my mind.
Grateful to him for doing his duty, grateful always…. And I felt deep peace….
In the afternoon the vibrations were terrific when he came out. Sat there bending forward and pressing both hands crosswise over my heart. It seems to help a bit. He does not speak to me, I have no desire to speak to him.
Later, towards the evening the beat was so strong that the body gave a jerk at each heart beat. Was wondering if it would damage my heart. But he said that Sufis get a very strong heart. But surely the whole body must resent the quickened beat. If the blood rushes more rapidly through the veins, everything will be quickened.
Metabolism, digestion, everything. Nails will grow quicker, hair, the skin cells, etc. Something seemed to go through the nose. A kind of current. The brow Chakra was working. When he came out he gave a searching look at my head and then looked more intensely as if wanting to reassure himself of his findings. I know this look; he always has it when he looks at the higher vehicl
es. His eyes have a different expression. It is a sort of vacuous look, the eyes seem to be swimming slightly. He glanced repeatedly at my head. Some changes must go on there, I thought. The vibration was so strong that I had to sit bent forward. The world around was so funny. When the brow Chakra is spinning, the world seems to change. There is a great happiness and great peace. Love is nonending. The surroundings not only become unreal, like a crazy Maya, but also look different, somehow. My own hand looks not mine at all, not belonging to me.
He is of such beauty that I keep staring at him and he is full of light.
Inner light, just white light. He sent me home just when I was thinking that I had better go, for I felt funny in my head, a headache began in the region in the middle of the forehead.
When the brow Chakra is going strongly, sometimes one feels the head spinning and there can be a dull pain in the bone above the nose and when one presses there it is very tender, and something goes through the nose which makes you sniff. The colors around become of great intensity and the world is very beautiful in its unreality….
The brain does not work properly; it is as if one would switch over slowly to another state of consciousness.
When the throat Chakra is activated, there is less trouble, only perhaps a dull pain at the back of the throat; one feels the heartthrob in the thyroid and a sort of tenseness is there too. I constantly keep touching my throat, feeling a kind of tightness as if I had a high collar.
And when the heart Chakra works with intensity the heart begins to do strange things, like missing out beats, fluttering like a dying bird in agony, racing at the maddest pace, or one has two hearts…. And the mind does not work at all, and the love seems of no end, and the longing is killing. Before, love came in waves; it was not always of the same intensity. But not now. Now it is more stabilized. It is always the same. I love and I love and I think of Him in the night, and I talk to Him with the same deep tenderness in the day, always.
Slept well all night which is unusual, woke about seven. Quite a feat. Woke up several times in the night owing to the pumping of the heart, but had not time even to think, so quickly fell asleep again.
Throat was aching a little.
49 A Saint has always a Light over his Head
7th February, 1963
THE VIBRATIONS ARE SUCH that the mind seems to stand still, cannot think at all…. Oh, the love, how strong it is! How it burns inside!
How I thank You, oh, Merciful, for the Gift You gave me!
“He is so kind,” he said once. “Why some people remain far from Him and others are brought quite near, you will know one day.”
Why me, my Beloved? Why me? One day I will know…. The sky is of such a serenity this morning… and such peace is around… eternally… and forever ….
He came out rather early because somebody important came. He knows who is to come even if the door is closed. He just knows, so I was aware that he will come out early. The feeling of oneness was tremendous. It was lovely, I was resting in Him. Later when I went to Pushpa, I was as in a lovely dream-state. Found her crying and she was telling me about her dear friend who died—she committed suicide. I was sorry, but really it did not affect me a bit. It was all on the surface, all the thoughts, and all the happenings. I understood that while I was in this state nothing could really affect me. I was with Him somewhere and things of this world did not matter a bit. In the evening we first sat under the mango tree; he was late to come out.
The fat Bandhari Sahib was with us.
Ram Prasad told us a nice Persian story: One man from Afghanistan, a Pathan, came to visit Kabir. Kabir was not at home, only his wife. So, he asked if he could see Kabir. He is out, said the wife.
Can I see him? asked the man; I came from so far away! Yes, said the wife, he went out with a funeral only five minutes ago, you can catch him. But how will I know him? asked the man. You will see, said the wife, that all the people who go after the body will have a light over their heads. When they reach the burning Ghat the light over their heads will be more dim. But the light over Kabir’s head will remain bright. Then you will know that this is him and you can talk to him. The man did as he was told. And when going back he saw the bright light over an old man’s head; he knew it was Kabir Sahib and he spoke to him. He asked all the questions he wanted to ask and then he said: “Please tell me why it is that the light over everybody else’s head dimmed and yours remained?”
“It is because when the people go after a funeral they all think it will happen to me too and they all remember God. When you remember God, there is a light over your head. But when they go back they forget God again and begin to think about the matters of daily life. Only a Saint remembers God all the time and he always has a light over his head.”
I sat facing him and the bliss was such that I felt weak and the body was tired…. Great bliss hurts, and tires the body. He kept glancing at me all the time briefly, as if trying to assess something.
We all went home early because some Muslim ladies came and he was called inside to see them.
In the afternoon Babu came and sat in his chair; he does it usually when he knows that his father will not come out. But he came. Babu left rapidly, leaving the chair free; he sat down. I felt I could ask a question and I began by saying that Ram Prasad told me to ask him.
“I tried to get some information from him telling him that I cannot speak to you until spoken to, and he told me to ask you because he could not help me.” So I told him about sensations the vibrations create in different parts of the body and if it is a normal occurrence.
He said: “Yes, headache can be if one is not used to the vibration, and sometimes a sensation to which the body is not used to is interpreted as pain, like the pain at the back of the throat, which is probably not a pain at all. You feel strong vibration in the whole of the body.” I said that it was true. I feel them much in my feet too, like last night I had to sleep with my feet uncovered though it was cold.
He smiled and looked at his own feet poised in his usually graceful way on the chair opposite his.
“At this stage, if one does not cross it, one can become a first-class debauchee. One can meet people, men and women alike in other Systems, who were not made to cross or did not, or could not themselves cross this stage of vibrations, and they became first-class debauchees. Vibrations are vibrations, they have to be crossed, everybody has them at one time, every stage represents a barrier to be crossed. At this stage, it would have been better for you if you had a married life, but it won’t make any difference, never mind, all that means is that it will be a bit more troublesome. That’s all. You will cross it just the same. This stage will be crossed just as all the others were, just as well. In our System this stage is crossed without fail.”
He fell silent and made a movement with his hand to denote that it is of small importance.
Rasputin came into my mind. He was supposed to be a Saint but he certainly led a very immoral life…. He probably had nobody to help him to cross this stage. And how many Yogis suffer from the same predicament?
If one does not progress with a Guru like him one is a fool….
After what he had said it becomes understandable why a Guru is needed ….
“Such are the vibrations lately that I don’t seem to walk, I seem to fly.” Told him about the feeling of oneness.
“Every part, every cell of the body becomes a heart, the heart is everywhere, all over the body are the vibrations.” He closed his eyes for a second. Here is the explanation that I felt such a happiness in every little bit of my body; every cell was happy in its own right.
Every cell is a heart, then… how wonderful! Told him that the vibration at the base of the spine is very strong too, but no trouble like last year.
“No, you will feel them everywhere; you are at the stage of the vibrations.”
People came, much talk was going on, on all sorts of topics, and I was thinking that he had said that every stage is a barrier to cross…. How
true, and how one has to hurry to cross each stage and not play with peace and bliss states like so many I know here…. He turned to me as if approving of my thinking, nodded softly, his eyes tender, and he closed them and went into a deep state of Samadhi.
9th February
WAS TIRED LAST NIGHT and fell asleep soon. Slept well. Did not even pray. This morning the vibrations began before seven. The head was reeling and before they began there was a pressure in the heart like a dull pain. Lights are jumping before my eyes. I feel swept from my feet and the base of the spine Chakra is humming. I sat there all the morning and the love was painful. Love can be a great suffering, physically I mean, when the vibrations are so intense. One feels a kind of excitement all the time: one feels like being swept away. Life is not easy, and of course there is this longing… love becomes an endless longing….
He was beautiful. Gracefully sitting there and talking with animation. His hand movements are full of rhythm, as of a dancer.
His feet always poised gracefully, never did I see him in an unsightly posture like any other human being. Either sitting in an incredibly twisted posture, Indian way, or his legs on his own chair, or feet poised on the chair opposite; there is always such a grace about him.
And when he is laughing or being animated, such charm he has. And he is so full of light. Never, not even once, did I see anybody who had such a quantity of light around him.
At home could not do anything this afternoon, was breathless with vibrations. Could lie on my bed and think of God, just that, nothing else.
Went there about four, he was outside, a man whom I did not know sat with him. He commenced immediately to ask Bhai Sahib who I was and what I was doing there, from where I came, etc. He did not speak English. Bhai Sahib was telling me that this man is very much hen-pecked by his wife and she even beats him. While he was telling me that, he was full of hidden laughter. Full of mirth, laughing inwardly, I did not often see him like this.
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