” Not too good, I had trouble with my mind in the afternoon.”
“But if there is such a link, such near relationship, why should there be any annoyance?” It suddenly occurred to me how right he was. How simple it all sounded….
“I hope after that you will make a jump forward. Such things are necessary in order to push us on. One must have a keen desire to reach the goal. If the keen desire is there, where is the mind, how can it give trouble? If it gives trouble, the desire is not keen enough.
Where love is, nothing can remain!”
“How difficult it is to control the mind!”
“No, it is very easy!” he said with a smile. I suddenly understood what he had meant.
“That’s why you said in the morning, that love is easy, surrender is easy; when I come to know it, it is the easiest thing in the world! It was a misleading statement, but you tried to help me! Why didn’t you rather say: it is the most difficult thing, but I expect you to do it just the same!”
“Oh, no, THEN, I would mislead you! Why not take a short-cut and say: it is easy! If you think that it is difficult, you yourself create an obstacle! Look at the Goal! Let everything else go! If you continue like this, where will you be? Trouble with the body, with the money, is nothing; if people don’t respect you is nothing… but trouble with the mind—you become yourself an obstacle. You cannot go on. Throw it behind you. Look at me: I have no reaction because there was no action.”
I asked him what the action was that I may avoid the reaction.
“Don’t listen to letters from another culture,” (what the deuce does he mean, I didn’t get any such letters). “Answer such letters but don’t dwell on them. Not to take food in different places. Not to do irrelevant talk. Did you ever hear me speak about my superiors in the way you talk to me? How can a man who did not dare to ask his Teacher even how he felt or how he was, how can such a man tolerate your attitude? Why don’t you try seriously to control your mind?” He said that, obviously displeased.
1st March
HE IS RIGHT, my desire for Truth is not keen enough. Otherwise the mind would have had no chance to give trouble. I have to renounce the mind, the doubts, the criticisms… as simple as that. Simple??
“I have to throw out such thoughts,” I said to him in the morning.
“No; don’t let them come in… then you will save yourself the trouble of throwing them out.”
“But will I be able to keep it up?”
“Of course! This love is easy. It is the worldly love which is more difficult. For worldly love you have to waste time, energy, but here?
Here is not waste. All the energy is concentrated on One. For you, love is not difficult at all. It was; but not now, not anymore,” and he smiled a secret, tender smile. “Love and faith are not difficult for you, now. But physically and mentally you are not surrendered.
And people will notice that you are not surrendered. People cannot be deceived. It is felt. Love is in the heart of hearts but the mind is covering it. The control of the mind is the effort of the disciple. Love is created. Created effortlessly… but the mind one has to curb oneself.”
This evening when he came out, he began a friendly conversation with me on all sorts of topics.
“I will go soon to my superiors,” and I closed my eyes in pain and the heart was aching. We talked about graves and cremation, and answering my question he said that the body of a Saint can remain intact for several hundreds of years and the skeleton sometimes for two or four thousand years. I said that his father and mother must still be intact. He confirmed it. Then he said: “Try to go deeper; every day there will be something new.” I said that knowing my character I was not sure what my mind will do.
“Don’t try to do it with the mind.”
“But if the mind does not give trouble, there will be no obstacle.”
He only nodded. I asked about the interpretation of the dream with the beard. He smiled again.
“I did not say much yesterday—but don’t think of me too much.”
“But how can I help it! For more than five years I do nothing else but think of you, or events and happenings connected with you!”
“Don’t think too much,” he repeated. But I said that this cannot be the meaning. The meaning must be a different one. Perhaps he does not want to tell me. Sometimes the dream may not be destined for me but for him. It happened in London several times; people told me dreams and it was not for them but for me who was guiding them. He nodded repeatedly.
“Usually the hints are not given directly, but sometimes my Father was talking directly and would say: you cannot do that or, that you will do. Or he will say: do like this—how will you be a good guide if you don’t pay attention?” I thought that was a hint for me….
“This body of ours is composed of five elements. But I don’t look at the body but at something else. By the way: don’t trust yourself, but trust where trust is. It means don’t trust the mind but trust the Higher Self.” Those words he said to me last night and told me to think them over; this morning he explained them: “Try to go deeper every day now, there will be something new.”
And he said it casually in conversation. Such a tremendous thing expressed so casually…. And going home I was thinking so much, prayed and longed so much. Is it possible that now I get some kind of reward? I don’t like the word “reward,” but could it be that at last I will see some light? And I was going over the conversation we had.
“The body of a Saint is so purified that it decays slowly. There is decay, of course, but a very slow one. And the body of a Saint should be buried; it is a blessing for the surroundings.” Speaking of the physical suffering:
“I should not say that they are my Samskaras, but suffering must be…. “
“They are Samskaras of others,” I said tentatively.
“I should not say so, but they are not mine,” he repeated. “Saints are dhobies (washermen).”
“Oh no; sweepers, sweepers of humanity!” He laughed heartily.
“At the beginning love was difficult for you, but not now.” And he made a sideways movement with the head as if throwing away something. “The way was cleared.” What wonderful words they are… and so glad was my heart. I must remember those words….
“And what a wonderful thing is love… created without effort.
And one cannot help loving. Even if one would like to stop, one cannot…. “
I said it was so true… (did I not know it?). And even if there is cruelty, one cannot help; one loves…. The story of Leila and Maj nun… but do I need to go so far? Don’t I know it from my own experience?
2nd March
LAST NIGHT WHEN WRITING MY DIARY I felt much vibration in the solar plexus. Went to bed and listened to it. It was just bearable.
Otherwise it can cause a vomiting condition. Fell asleep. Woke up in the night; it was still there, but not too bad.
In the morning, my first thought was: is it still there? It was gone.
When I came, I learned that he was not well in the night. Soon two people came, husband and wife, and they and myself were asked inside by Munshiji. He was lying on the tachat. Took no notice of me saluting him. Talked to the two people till they went. In the courtyard was a great noise and commotion—decoration of a room was going on, the room of his nephew. A heap of old rubbish, old boxes, old furniture was thrown in the middle of the courtyard. The wife came in, sat next to me and talked and talked.
I gathered that something was worrying her; there was a problem, but my knowledge of Hindi was too limited to understand what it was all about. Something to do with decoration, presumably.
Then the smallest child of the eldest son sitting in the big chair began to cry. Poonam took it out into the garden talking to it soothingly.
“Hm,” he said. “Everything wants sympathy. Everything wants care and attention which is a form of love. This tachat, this chair wants sympathy, to be dusted, to be looked after…. “
“
But things have no Soul!” I said.
“Light, they have Light, this is the Soul in them. If you live in a shed, this is a place for you… you don’t know better.” This was the only sentence he spoke directly to me. I mentioned that on the 31st will be the General Election in England. A few words were exchanged on that, then he turned to the wall. Talked to his wife from time to time in monosyllables when she kept coming in and out. Clearly she was worried about something….
The meaning of the Dream is: (I got it in the night in a flash between sleep and just awakening). I will be merged in him, when back in the West, i.e., into the System. It is a “future” dream.
At home had strong vibrations.
4th March
YESTERDAY MORNING I had such a strong vibration. I remember in the past this kind of vibration caused an intense irritation. I used to call it brain-washing vibration—one has an impelling desire to talk of all the doubts, all the tribulations of the mind. Will see what it will do to me now… it is the first time since I am back. It usually makes one talk too much….
In the afternoon when I was sitting near the irrigation ditches regulating the flow of water, trying to distribute it evenly amongst the poor half-dried plants, he lifted the chik and said that I can come in. I washed my hands, dirty with mud, and told him that I received lovely photos of him and the Bandhara from H. He looked at them, and his wife and sons passed them from hand to hand. His room was arranged differently, much better… one large tachat was taken out and a settee and chairs put in instead.
In the evening I prayed, prayed desperately for Truth. This morning too. Some restlessness of the mind… I am hungry… hungry for Truth …. And I pray that this hunger, this longing for Truth should increase so much that I cannot live for one moment without it.
Told him about H. ‘s letter in which she mentions that he foretold her a car accident. She had one; only it was not on an icy road as he said then, but in rain and fog. A lorry smashed into the back of her car. Insurance will pay for it, but it is a nuisance.
“That’s why I am sometimes reluctant to tell the meaning of a dream,” he said thoughtfully, stroking his beard.
“The dream was about roses and plants.”
“Never mind what the dream was about. IT IS FROM WHERE IT IS COMING, that alone is of importance. From where it comes…. ” I told him that I know the interpretation of the bearded dream. He gave me an indirect hint, but those are things about which one should not speak.
When he came out this morning looking well and happy, he opened the conversation like this: “The other day I deliberately spoke to you harshly in front of everybody, without telling anything beforehand. Without warning.” I smiled at him.
“Oh, you did it before… it is not the first time, and it did not do anything to me or very little. Besides, I remembered nothing of it afterwards.”
“‘That might be so, but like these things which are in the brain of brains they are washed away. As the things which are in the heart of hearts are gradually washed away, so from the brain of brains it is washed away when one is humiliated and people don’t respect you.”
(What does he mean by the “brain of brains?” Perhaps the higher mind?)
Later: “The real Ahimsa cannot really be practiced on the physical level: not completely, at least, and not by everybody. What about regions in which nothing grows and one has to eat meat or fish?
What about insects we crush unknowingly under our feet? The germs we swallow or destroy; they are life also. It is the mental Ahimsa which has to be practiced, and by everybody and completely so.
“Never to say evil things, never to wish evils to anybody, never to injure people’s feelings. Never to injure or put in prison yourself by creating habits. This is real Ahimsa. Non-killing is too simple and limited a concept of Ahimsa, for it is much more than that.
“The Self is within and without. By injuring others one injures oneself. It is, for instance, like in a room around which are many mirrors: in one mirror you look thin, or broad, or with distorted features. But it is all YOU. And the shape depends upon the nature of the reflecting medium.”
5th March
SOME MORE SAYINGS:
“Don’t trust yourself; when you trust, trust is there. Meaning: don’t trust your mind, but the Trust is in the Soul, the heart of Hearts. One should speak to the audiences just a little higher than their understanding. For instance: I may say Kanpur is the largest town in U.P. And then I say, but Bombay and Calcutta are much larger. Everybody will understand me. But if I would say: Kanpur is the largest town in U.P., but Paris and Berlin are much larger, many of my audience may think: what is he talking about? We have never heard of Paris or Berlin; where are they?”
Mr. Sharma told me that he read in a scientific magazine the following: Light consists of seven prismatic colors. If an object absorbs any color, it does not reflect it. If all colors are absorbed, then it is black, which is no-color. You see here in the garden many flowers of lovely colors. If the flower is red, it rejected, it renounced red color, but absorbed all the others. And so it is with every other color—blue, yellow, white. White means renouncing, rejecting all colors. So the flower gets its beauty through Renunciation….
What a lovely thought….
I wonder if the custom of mourning in India—the widows wearing white only—has this meaning: renouncing, rejecting, everything?
The ancients had so much more wisdom than we have; they knew the esoteric meaning which we have lost. Only now science begins to confirm certain things of ancient beliefs.
Sufis who have completely renounced the world wear black garments. One day I will know the meaning of all this….
Last night much talk was going on about a new gate. The carpenter was there making drawings and discussing prices. The drunkard kept giving unasked for advice and instructions. The villager who came in the morning smelled so badly that I had to get up and walk for a while to get a breath of fresh air without addition of sweat and worse.
Before seven I saluted him.
“You want to go?” I said that it was nearly seven, but seeing that he seemingly wanted me to stay, I sat down again. Soon he got up and went inside. I walked. Then he came out through the doorway and I saluted. “Yes, you can go now.” Spent a peaceful night. Mind was tranquil.
In the morning Mrs. Sharma came with me; they talked for an hour. Then when she left, he asked me into the room and left at once.
I sat there. The villager came and sat opposite. This is too much, I thought in utter frustration. In the room I cannot get away from the smell…. But the door was open… there was a draught, so it wasn’t too bad. He came in, took his mala and began to pray. Though I saw it so often, each time I became enchanted anew, for nothing is more beautiful than a Saint in prayer. I looked at his face full of light and watched the beads slide through his fingers, one after another rhythmically. And I felt like crying suddenly; all the heaviness, all the sorrow of those difficult years was upon me. And I cried. How much one has to swallow for the sake of Truth… hoping to get it one day…. Suddenly my crying stopped as quickly as it came. I kept looking at him. He was still praying. And then again as once before it began to come in waves—tremendously powerful feeling, waves after waves, from me to him… it was the greatest sorrow and longing. Longing to break the heart… I want the Truth, I kept repeating in my mind. I want it so badly, more than my life…. At one moment I nearly cried out loudly; it was as if my very life-blood, all my innermost being was torn out of me… as if my heart was torn out of my breast. It was such a painful experience, physically painful… something was trembling inside me… and kept trembling and trembling, ceaselessly, and something was crying desperately within me. I seemed to shrink on my chair. He kept praying. When he finished, he sat up in his chair and was talking to the Sikh. I heard him say that he has prepared for him ten kilos of flour. “It is our ration, part of it; we don’t need so much—it is for you.”
Then he asked his son what ti
me it was. Quarter to twelve was the reply. “You can go now.” He was right… I was all right again. The giddiness had passed. And going out through the courtyard, I saw him giving the Sikh his bag of flour . Spent a peaceful afternoon doing absolutely nothing. Was burning incense and thinking.
And in the evening he came out. Again there was this forceful stream of feeling from me to him, but not so strong as in the morning. Went home at the usual time.
66 People Judge by Appearances
6th March, 1966
WOKE ABOUT FOUR A. M.’ I think. Prayed so much… and last night too. When I pray, there is nearness. And the power which I feel in Guruji’s presence flows towards him crying for help. I curb my mind, but it is restless. At dawn went on the flat-roof terrace outside my room and, looking at the clear sky and fading stars, prayed so much for help. Prayer is such a relief nowadays… for how long?
Then I won’t be able to pray again and will be alone…. So much… what a life….
“The pandit sends you his pranams (greetings),” I said as soon as he sat down. “He was sitting here and went away about a quarter of an hour ago.”
“Good. I don’t care about people who come and go.”
“But if he asks me to give you his greetings, it is my duty to do so.”
“Quite. But some don’t go further than to salute me, that’s all. All that I care for is that I never should be careless.”
“You never are.” In answer he gave me one of his radiant smiles.
“Some people don’t know and don’t understand, even if they are here for years, through which Channel the Bliss and Grace comes. (I wondered if this was a hint for the judge who just came and sat down, or did he mean the pandit who has also been here for many years?) “And those who understand…,“he made a quick movement with the right hand, “they come on the Channel…. Some people don’t know how to pay respect. I don’t like my children if they don’t pay respect to my daughter and my son-in-law.” He remained silent for a moment. “Yes, I don’t like them if they fail to do so,” he said slowly.
Daughter of Fire Page 71