by Ruby Dixon
“Earthquakes? Yes.” Her nod is jerky, her eyes wide, her hands tight in mine.
I continue. “I had no one nearby and it was such a strong earth-shake that it knocked me off my feet and nearly tumbled me off of the side of a ravine. Ever since then, I have been afraid of—”
“Earthquakes?” she asks breathlessly.
I give her a rueful smile. “Falling.”
Air-ee nods again, understanding in her eyes. She does not laugh.
“If I am up very high, my body clenches and I sweat no matter the weather. I feel sick and dizzy and my thoughts race as if they are being hunted. Some of the others do not understand it, but if I am up on a cliff and look down far below, I worry I will fall and it makes my body upset.” I squeeze her hand. “It sounds as if you have this, too, but instead of just one thing, it is many things.”
“Yes,” she breathes out, and she looks so relieved. “It’s everything. And when I’m worked up, I can’t stop and—” She pauses and bursts into tears again. “Like even right now,” she says between sobs. “I don’t know if I’m crying because I’m upset or if I’m crying because you understand or just because I’m worked up and this is the only outlet I have.”
Daring greatly, I reach out and pull her into my arms, dragging her into my lap. I settle her in the cradle of my arms and let her weep on my shoulder. “Tears are just tears. You can shed them. I do not mind.”
She sobs, nestling her face against my skin. “I d-don’t w-want you to think l-less of m-me, Zolaya.”
“I would never.” I stroke her soft, soft mane. “Because you are afraid? Because your mind tells you to be scared? You have already had to be brave through many things. I cannot imagine what it is like to wake up and find yourself in a place like this, with people that look like me.” I chuckle. “That must have been very frightful.”
My laugh causes her to give a watery one of her own. “I don’t think you’re ugly. I think you look really different, but I don’t think that’s bad. You probably think I’m ugly, though.” Her breath hitches and I can feel her tense.
I can just imagine her mind-avalanche starting with worry at the thought of me finding her ugly. “I do not,” I tell her firmly. “If it will ease your fears, I have been imagining you in my arms since you arrived.” Her fingers curl against my chest, and I add, “But in my dreams you are more naked.”
She gives another teary laugh, and her hand lightly slaps at the plates of my chest. “You’re the worst.”
“Terrible,” I agree. “I will say anything to make you smile.”
Her little chuckle is sweet, but then she lets out a tremulous sigh. Her body relaxes against me as I stroke her hair and rub her shoulders, and I can feel her slowly easing, the tension in her body ebbing. “I think the others hate me,” she confesses. “Some of them were giving me ugly looks because I cried.”
“They are all doing their best to be brave,” I admit. “Perhaps some are trying to out-brave the others. They will have their mental avalanche, too. They are just doing their best not to have it in front of everyone else.”
She snorts and I feel her warm breath against my skin before it is carried away by the breeze. “Or they’re just assholes.”
The mental image that the human saying sends to my mind does not match up. It must be a wrong word. “They simply have not had the chance to know you yet. Everyone will need time to settle in.”
“I guess.” Her breathing shudders, but her tears are slowing, I think. She reaches out and strokes my braid, and my cock stiffens in response. She twines her fingers around it, wrapping the thick cord of it around her hand. “It’s not the language laser beam as much as it is everything. My body’s just been in panic mode since I woke up and I’m all out of medication.”
“Medication,” I echo, tasting the word. It has meaning in her world but not truly in ours. “Like herbs when you are not feeling well? There are herbs for panicky minds?”
“Kind of.” She keeps stroking my braid and her words sound a little drowsy, as if all of her panic has fled and left her exhausted. I can hear the gentle sound of her khui beginning to hum, and mine joins in. “I don’t know if they’re herbs as much as they’re compounds that I take and they make my brain go quiet. I have some that I take daily and I have a dose that I take when days are really, really bad. And here I don’t have either.” She sighs. “Even if I had it in hand I would feel better, just knowing it’s there.”
“We have a healer back at the home cave,” I offer. “Perhaps she will be able to help.”
“Maybe.” She does not sound enthusiastic. “I hate everyone knowing that I’m a mess, though. I don’t want them to all know that I have…problems. I worry it’ll just make them hate me more.”
“We will tell no one but the chief and his mate, and the healer. They will keep your secret.” I stroke her back. “I will say nothing. And you will not tell the others I am afraid of falling?”
Air-ee gives another tired little chuckle. “No, I won’t. I promise. Thank you for talking me down. My therapist always says that talking things out helps, because it gets you out of that endless spin that your mind gets into. I thought he was full of crap, but talking to you does help.”
I will remember that. When she is struggling, I will make her talk to me. Make her focus on things other than what is going on in her mind. “I will always listen to what you have to say. And I will concentrate even if you are not naked.”
She gives another soft laugh and bats at my chest again, without letting go of my braid. A second later, she gives a shaky yawn. “Why is it that being around you relaxes me so much? Last night when you held my hand…I couldn’t sleep before that.”
“Your body knows that I am your friend, that I will not let any harm come to you.”
“Is that what it is? That you’re my friend?”
I think of the ache in my cock, unfulfilled. Not all of me wishes to just be friends. But I do not say such a thing, because I do not want to give her more to worry over. “Your khui resonates to mine. That means our bodies and spirits are a good fit for each other. Perhaps the khui influences your mind as well.” I run my hand down her arm, wishing she was bare instead of covered in furs. “Whatever it is, I will be here to hold you whenever you need it.”
“I might take you up on that more often than you’d like,” she admits ruefully, and does not lift her head from my shoulder. “I think this is the first time since I got here that I haven’t felt like I’m about to fall apart.” Her grip tightens on my braid. “You might have to be my medication for a while.” Air-ee gives another tremulous laugh.
“Of course,” I tell her. “If you are tired, we can stay out here for a time. You can rest and then when you feel better, we can go and hunt for coil moss. It grows on the sides of wet cliffs and looks like…well, like Shorshie’s hair.”
“So it’s pretty?” She stiffens, and I wonder if she is jealous.
“Very ugly and brown,” I say solemnly, and love when she giggles again. My khui hums even louder, pleased. “It makes a tea that tastes foul, but it is good at helping you sleep. It is calming. The healer gives it when someone is wounded so badly that she cannot heal them all at once. She must heal slowly over days, and if they are in great pain, the coil moss tea helps them sleep through the pain. It makes one feel very light and floaty.”
“Oh,” Air-ee breathes. “Just having that on hand would help me relax. Just knowing that something like that’s an option…”
“It is.” I slide my fingers down her spine, feeling the delicacy of it even through the layers of her leathers. “We will get you some. And then we will go back and rejoin the others so you have someplace warm to sleep.”
She sighs. “And get my head lasered.” I can hear her swallow, hard. “Did you have it done?”
“I did not wake up one day speaking human,” I tease her.
“English,” she retorts, and gives my braid a little tug. “And it didn’t hurt?”
“
It did not. I was barely aware of it and I woke up with your strange words in my mind.”
“I guess I’ll get it done,” Air-ee says. Then, “Will…will you hold my hand the entire time?”
I want to squeeze her tightly against me for all time. “My mate, I will never let you go.”
8
ARIANA
We don’t return to the broken-down ship for a few hours. I fall asleep against Zolaya’s shoulder and when I wake up, he’s got frozen drool in his braid and I have marks on my cheek from the edge of one of his chest-plates, but I feel more relaxed than I have in days.
Zolaya’s true to his word, too. When I wake up, he pulls me onto his back and heads off into the hills, searching streams for the plant he calls coil moss. It takes four different streams for us to find enough to fill a pouch, but once we have it, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter. Happier. I have something I can take if my mind gets too bad. I don’t have to suffer.
I’m so relieved.
And Zolaya…god, he’s wonderful.
I expected to feel very, very alone here on this horrible planet, but he’s so calm and understanding. He takes the time to really listen to me and he’s not pressuring me into anything. He’s been such a good friend and I feel like I can relax around him. It’s such a relief to find someone that doesn’t look at me with annoyance or scorn every time my anxiety gets the better of me. It actually helps me calm down, knowing that whatever I do, I can’t piss him off or make him angry at me. He understands.
Even if it’s just the cootie making him act so sweetly, I’m grateful.
Once we’ve got the tea, he braids me a leather cord from the scraps in his pouch and then hangs it around my neck. “So it will not get lost.”
Just having that pouch makes me so happy. I can feel my anxiety ebbing and whenever I feel it about to surface again, I touch it and know that I have something that will help. It’s enough, for now.
Zolaya and I stay out for a little longer, walking the edges of one of the steaming streams that cut through the landscape here. He offers to catch me lunch, but I’m content with just wandering around and avoiding returning to the old spaceship that they call the Elders’ Cave. Part of me wishes I never had to go back. If I have to live in this terrible place, maybe I can live alone with Zolaya somewhere. I guess that’s just me being a selfish coward, though. He doesn’t seem to hate his tribe, and from what I can tell, they like him. It’s just me that’s the problem.
Figures.
The alien eyes the skies and then squeezes my hand. “The suns will descend soon. Are you hungry? Do you wish to go back and join the others or stay out here for a while longer?”
My anxiety wants to stay out here forever, of course. But I know that when it gets dark, it’s going to get colder, and I don’t like colder. I know I need to be brave. I need to get the laser beam of language, and I need to try to be around the others just to prove that I can. It’s the smart thing to do. Of course, it’s also the hardest thing to do. “We should go back,” I say, already dreading it. It’s so much easier to be out here with him.
The smile that blooms across his face is worth it, though. He’s looking at me with such approval that I feel like I already conquered one of my demons. “Very brave,” he tells me.
“Oh, stop. It’s not that brave.”
“Is it not? I can tell you do not wish to return, but you will confront it anyhow. What is that if not brave?” He moves to my side and kneels in front of me so I can climb on his back again. “You should be kinder to yourself.”
I should. I know that’s part of the problem with my anxiety. My brain makes me think the worst of every situation. “And the laser won’t kill me, right?” I ask even as I loop my arms around his neck and bury my face into the fall of his thick, cord-like hair.
“It will not. And if it does, I shall follow you into death,” he tells me, his hands going to my thighs as he stands, hauling me along piggyback.
“Well, that’s grim,” I reply lightly, but it’s funny how his words make me feel better. Even if the worst happens, I won’t be alone.
“Then it is a good thing it will not kill you.” Zolaya holds my thighs tight and then makes a running leap over the stream, causing me to squeal with surprise. It’s crazy how agile he is even with me on his back. It’s a little scary, but I know he won’t drop me, and I actually kind of enjoy all his leaping around as he moves over rocks and flies over scrubby bushes. His tail flicks against my leg every now and then as if to reassure him that I haven’t moved from my spot on his back.
As we crest over one low hill, the snow-covered mound of the Elders’ Cave comes back into view and my stomach clenches. I can feel a low wave of anxiety move over me like a chill, but I remember that I have the pouch of tea around my neck and Zolaya at my side. As quickly as it rolls over me, it ebbs back again. I’m all right, for now. I’m actually pleased that I’m able to push aside the anxiety like that instead of becoming mired in it once more. Already the herbs are helping, and I haven’t even had a cup of tea yet.
Zolaya pats my arm, which is still encircled around his neck. “If you struggle when we are inside, tell me and I will find a quiet place for the two of us to be alone together.”
“Thank you. That’s very kind.”
“Kind?” He snorts, clearly amused. “Because I wish to spend time alone with my pretty mate? It is not kindness that motivates such a thing.”
And I bat at his shoulder again, because he’s making me smile with his flirty words. A day ago, such pointed flirting would have probably scared the bejeezus out of me, but Zolaya calms me. He understands me. And despite his teasing, he makes me feel completely safe. He may mention being alone with me and make it sound as if it’s sexy, but I know if I want to just hold his hand for hours, he’d have no problem with that.
This time it’s not the big bald alien at the “cave” entrance but another one with long, dark hair. He nods at us as Zolaya piggybacks me inside, and the others look up as we enter. Georgie seems relieved to see us return, and gets to her feet. “You’re back!”
I feel guilty for wanting to just run away from everyone. It’s clear Georgie’s been worried. “We just needed some alone time. Sorry.” I slide off of Zolaya’s back and let my fingers brush over the herb pouch at my neck. “Are we too late to…get lasered?” I have to force myself to say the words, because the last thing I want right now is to have a deadly laser shot into my head from a decrepit old computer. But Zolaya puts a hand on my shoulder as if pleased with my bravery, and I can practically feel myself preening at that small bit of approval. “If so, I’m ready.”
“You are?” Georgie clasps her hands, surprised but relieved. “Okay, fantastic. The others are still sleeping it off. Follow me and I’ll show you where we need to go.”
Zolaya’s hand slips into mine, and I actually feel okay with this. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.
I live. Of course I do. It’s just my anxiety getting the best of things. The laser beam knocks me out before I can even ask if it’s going to work and the next thing I know, I’m waking up to Zolaya brushing my hair off my forehead and then caressing my hand.
“You are awake,” he murmurs, and I can hear his cootie thrumming and purring up a storm. “How do you feel?”
I sit up and my head throbs in protest. I press my palm to my eyebrow as if that will stop my brain from hurting so much. “Hungover.”
He chuckles as if he understands what that is. “But it worked, did it not? And you are here and whole.”
It takes me a moment to realize what he’s talking about. Oh. We’re speaking in his language and I didn’t even notice. That’s fascinating. The anthropology student in me wonders at the expressions we’re sure to get mixed up with the differences in language and custom, but I’m kind of interested to see what happens with that. “I guess I am.” I glance down and his tail is wrapped around my ankle, an odd but pleasing little gesture of possessiven
ess. “You stayed at my side?”
“The entire time,” he reassures me and gets to his feet, tail uncoiling. “And now I will get you something to eat and drink. Keep resting.” Zolaya’s voice is stern. “Your mate commands it.”
“My mate’s not the boss of me,” I tell him in my sassiest voice, and love that he gives me a playful little grin in response. With my anxiety under control and no panic looming, I’m just feeling so much better. It’s like I’m a new person, and I’m able to relax and focus on my surroundings. Zolaya returns with a cup of hot herbal tea and offers it to me. “Drink this first.”
I clutch the bag at my neck briefly, then take the drink from him and study the group gathered around the fire.
There are several of the women that aren’t mated sitting there, a few sleeping in their furry beds, and Vektal the chief sits next to Georgie and pretty much just watches her as if he’s never seen anything so fine in his life. It’s kind of cute and heartwarming despite the whole laser issue, and I turn to Zolaya to tell him that—
And notice he’s looking at me the same way.
Heat flushes through me, and I remember that the cootie’s supposed to make me want to mate. Maybe my anxiety’s been suppressing things for a while, but I’m starting to remember that. And my body’s remembering it too, if the sound of my purring is any indication. I lower my lashes and drink my tea, because if I look back at him the way he’s looking at me, that could lead to us finding a private place a lot faster than I might be ready for.
Funny how I’m not freaking out at the idea of that, though. There’s something about Zolaya that makes it seem like it’s not such a big problem after all…or that it’s even a problem. The idea of running off with him somewhere private to see where this resonance thing takes us is growing more appealing by the minute. Of course, that might be the cootie talking.
“Let me get you something to eat,” Zolaya murmurs, brushing his hand against mine as I lower the small cup and hold it in my lap. “You do not like your meat raw, no?” At my horrified shake of my head, he chuckles. “It is tasty.”