Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  With one last thrust, he is finally completely inside me. Tearing me and causing so much pain that I swear I’m about to black out.

  “That’s right, yeah,” he breathes against my face and I’m going to puke. To my surprise, though, I don’t. Instead I close my eyes shut and try to imagine myself somewhere else but I can’t. The pain is overwhelming. Finally he stills with his climax and I hate him. I hate him so much, I want to cut off his cock and stuff it in a blender. I want to make him feel what I feel. When he lets me go, I fall to the ground, wrapping myself up to protect myself from him and also to try to comfort myself.

  “Ugh, you got blood all over me. Gross,” I hear him say as he walks towards the bathroom while I shake with terror. My heart is pounding in my chest and my vagina feels as if it’s been chopped up into a billion pieces. When the door opens, I watch as he walks, naked, through the room, putting on a new pair of scrubs before looking back at me.

  “You okay?” he asks and I quickly shake my head. “Yeah, might want to go to the doctor. You’re super tight, and with the bleeding you might have ripped something.”

  My lip wobbles as I say, “I might have ripped something? You fucking raped me.”

  He laughs, shaking his head. Crouching down, he looks at me with a condescending smile on his face. “Is that what you think? Is that what you think you’re gonna tell people? You’re my wife, Vi, I tried to have sex with you and your shit was tight so I pushed through to pleasure both of us. It isn’t my fault your shit is broken and you’re worthless. That’s your fault, so don’t blame me.”

  “I didn’t do anything wrong,” I cry and when he laughs, I want to scream.

  “Vi, sweetheart, everything you do is wrong and if you go and tell anyone I raped you, they won’t believe you. We’re married; a husband can’t rape his wife. Now go clean up,” he says, standing up and heading for the door. He stops though, turning to me and says, “Oh, by the way, your check didn’t come into my bank. Fix that, I’m running low on money.”

  When the door closes, I break down, shaking so hard while the sobs rip through me. I’m in so much pain that it hurts to even breath. Falling to the ground, I lay my face on the hardwood floor and let my tears fall down onto the floor. I can feel the filth of him in my bones and I need it off but I can’t seem to find the strength to go to the bathroom. As I lay here, I want to give up. I want to accept that this is my life. That nothing good will ever come my way. I feel defeated and I feel as if I’ll never find the fight, or the will to leave. I mean what for? If I tell the police or anyone, no one will believe me. I’ve been hiding it for too long and Rob’s right, who will believe that a husband has raped his wife? I feel completely broken. Every piece of me shattered and I just want to die.

  No. I can’t. I can’t give up.

  I know the fight is inside me. It has to be. I have to believe in myself. I have to believe that the light is at the end of the tunnel. I know I am strong, I can get away and laying here isn’t going to do anything but make it all worse. I have to figure out a way to make sure this never happens again and I will. I have to show him I’m strong. I’m done being the victim of Rob Moore. I’m ready to be the woman that Tucker McCloud deserves and one that I will love.

  My legs wobble as I pick myself up off the floor, cringing with each step,, but I know that it’s going to take one step at a time to get me to where I need to be.

  I’m going to fight.

  I’m going to get my life back because it’s mine for the taking.

  “Violet, sorry to bother you but Tucker sent me to get the expense reports for y’all’s trip to Atlanta.”

  I look up to Mrs. Yolanda from my desk and let out a breath. It’s been five days since certifiably the worst day of my life and I feel like a zombie. Dead. Everywhere. Trapped in a body I hate. A body that has no meaning and the worst part is, Tucker hasn’t said one word to me. He hasn’t even looked at me and it’s been pure torture. As if dealing with what Rob did to me hasn’t been enough, I have to look at a man that I know could comfort me and keep my distance to give him the time he needs.

  I just want to run to him, and ask him to hold me. I feel so empty without his friendship, his companionship and I just want what we had back, but he’s made it clear that it’ll never happen. I have ruined him like Blaine said I would if I didn’t let him go. How could I have been so stupid, so selfish? I needed his friendship and because of my selfish need, I have no one. I’m alone.

  This needs to stop though, I don’t expect him to open his arms and forgive me, even though that would be nice but this no communication stuff has to stop. I know our employees are starting to wonder. I’ve seen them whispering and who can blame them? Tucker walks around this office looking the way I feel, like a zombie. He won’t even look at me when before all he did was talk and joke with me on a daily basis.

  “Is he in his office?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll take them over.”

  I wait for her to leave and when she doesn’t I look up. She is looking at me with a worried look on her face, so I ask, “Yeah?”

  “I’m stepping out of line here, I know that, but is everything okay between you two? It seems as if there is some tension between y’all and I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do to help.”

  No, she is just being nosey, but that’s fine. With a bright smile, I shake my head and say, “everything is fine, no worries. I’ll take care of this.”

  With a curt nod, she starts for the door. “Okay, thank you.”

  “No, thank you.”

  When my door shuts, I stand up and cringe. My vagina hasn’t been the same since Sunday and because of that, I’m going to the OBGYN today. I don’t know what’s going on down there, but it hurts. It’s a constant reminder of what happened and I need that to stop. I hope that nothing serious is wrong but I have feeling it is more than a bruise. Since the incident, I haven’t had to deal with Rob. Thankfully, he has been working and I haven’t had to see or talk to him. It’s been great and for the past few nights, I’ve decided that all I need is a month and I should have enough to live on in Colorado to get me by until I get a job. It will also be enough to start my divorce, which is great. It all scares me because I’m not really sure how I am going to get away but I am ready for the change.

  Reaching for the files Tucker wants, I head across the hall, knocking on his door.

  “Come in,” he calls out and I push open the door.

  When his eyes meet mine, he quickly looks away and I want to cry.

  “Violet, what can I do for you?”

  “The files you needed,” I say before laying them on his desk. I want for him to look at me, but he doesn’t. He ignores me, writing away in the patient’s file. I want to yell at him to look at me, to allow me to apologize, but I don’t think it will help.

  “Thank you, anything else?”

  I hate how short he is and I want my Tucker back. “Can you please look at me?”

  “I rather not,” he softly says as the pen he is writing with stills. “I have work to do.”

  “Tucker, people are starting to notice that something is going on.”

  “I don’t give two shits what people notice. As long as they do their jobs, I don’t care about anything else.”

  I’m stunned. “You don’t mean that.”

  He looks up at me. His eyes dark, his mouth in a straight line as he says, “You’re right. I love my office and they deserve the best possible boss but the problem is I don’t want to be here. I care so much about you and looking across that hall at your door is killing me because I know behind it you’re sitting there not caring one bit about me or how I feel.”

  “That’s not true, Tucker.”

  “Sure it is, because if you did, you would admit that he’s hurting you but you keep lying to me and hurting me in the process. All I want to do is help you and you won’t let me, so unless you’re going to share something more than a lie, I have nothing to say
to you.”

  I can see that looking at me is hurting him and I know I just need to walk away. That’s something I should have done a long time ago but instead I’ve hurt us both by allowing our feelings to develop. I should have stopped this from the beginning but I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried and I did try. I knew it was wrong to get involved with him. I just couldn’t help it and now I am paying for it.

  I nod before taking in a shuttering breath. “I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you, Tucker.”

  When he shakes his head and looks down at his desk, my heart breaks into a billion pieces and I fell like my world is caving in. I’ve ruined the one good thing in my life besides my mom and I didn’t realize it was going to hurt this bad. I want to tell him everything, apologize for lying and tell him that I will never utter another word but the truth but that would defeat everything I’m trying to do, which is protect him from that monster I married.

  As a single tears rushes down my face, I turn and open the door, shutting it behind me and rushing across the hall to the protection of my office. Falling into my chair, I allow a sob to break from me as I wrap myself up in my own arms, silently crying so that no one hears me. When my computer dings, I look up to see it’s a message from Tucker.

  Dr. T: Don’t cry.

  I close my eyes, squeezing the tears out of my eyes before leaning forward to type back to him.

  VioletM: I hate that I’ve hurt you.

  Dr. T: Me too.

  VioletM: Is there a way to fix us?

  I work my lip as I wait for his answer.

  Dr. T: Stop lying to me.

  Stop lying to him. That’s all he wants but I’m not sure I can give that to him. My whole life has been based on a lie and I’m not sure how to change that. I don’t know how to admit that I have a monster for a husband and that I’m a victim of abuse but it becoming clear that I need to figure out how.

  Because I need him in my life.

  My day went from bad to worse.

  Slamming the door, I find that son of a bitch standing at the counter with a sandwich in front of him. I can tell he is about to go to work and this is probably the worse time to do this but I don’t give a shit. I going to give this man a piece of my mind and I don’t care about the repercussions. It needs to be said and I’m going to say it. I’m not going to allow this to happen to me ever again.

  I’m done being the damn victim.

  Stomping to the counter, I put my hands on it and glare up at him.

  “What the hell are you looking at?” he asks before taking a bite of his sandwich.

  “I went to my OBGYN today.”

  “I don’t care,” he says, “leave me alone, I’m eating.”

  “Well, I’m sorry but you need to stop because I think you’d like to know that after dodging question after question about if I was raped, I found out that not only did you cause lacerations in my vagina but to my surprise, you gave me fucking chlamydia.”

  He pauses but soon covers it up with a scuff. “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  He shakes his head, taking a drink before looking over at me. “No, you’re delusional. I never touched you.”

  What? Is he fucking serious?

  “Excuse me? Yes, you did. You raped me.”

  He looked up at me from his sandwich and with the most sinister look on his face, he asks, “Where is the proof?”

  Oh my God. This asshole. Taking a step back, I place my hands on my stomach, taking in deep breaths as I watch him eat his sandwich. He acts as if he did nothing wrong. As if the rape never happened. Like he didn’t cause me the most unbelievable pain in my life. How can he stand there and think that what he did wasn’t wrong. How can he be so callous, so uncaring about the pain he caused me? But what makes me the maddest is that he’s right. I have no proof but a sick vagina and since I lied to the doctor I have nothing. No one.

  “Why do you do this to me?”

  He looks up and smiles. “Because I can and since you don’t know how to leave me alone and you’re obviously in the mood to fight with me, let’s discuss the fact that you have an STD? Who’re you fucking, Violet? ‘Cause it isn’t me.”

  He says it so calmly but his eyes tell me that he isn’t calm at all. I’m not sure why, but I can tell that he knew I would have chlamydia because he has it too. He is turning this on me.

  “I’m not fucking anyone but that’s not the point. You did rape me and you made me sick.”

  “I did not, I’m clean. You’re the nasty one.”

  “You asshole! I have always been clean, you’re the one probably fucking some whore at the hospital and bringing home her sickness, but let me tell you something, if you ever touch me again without my consent I am calling the cops and reporting it.”

  His laughter fills the room as he shakes his head. Licking his fingers, he looks across the room at me as he comes around the counter. I take a step back and then turn to go down the hall, but as I’m about to walk away, Rob has me by my hair, slamming me into the wall face first. Pain shoots to the back of my head and all I see are white spots as I try to focus. I scream out, trying to get away but he has me by my hair, pressing his body into mine, holding me in place.

  “Calling the cops, huh?”

  I struggle against him and yell out, “Let me go! Now!”

  Ignoring my demands, he says, “Call the cops, Violet, and you wanna know what they will do? Nothing. I know most of the force here. I went to school with them, I see them daily at the ER. They love me. Do you think they’d believe any claim you make? You are nothing. You are worthless. No one would believe anything you say. So shut your fucking mouth and do what you were put on this earth to do.”

  Pushing off me, I turn around and put my hands up to hopefully soften the blow but he pushes my hands away, taking my face in his hands before getting so close to my face I can smell the mustard on his breath from the sandwich he was eating. There is even residue on his lips and I want to gag from the smell and sight of him. Squeezing my jaw, he says, “and that’s to do whatever the fuck I say.”

  Smacking his hand away, I move quickly away from him causing his eyes to widen and his mouth to curve into a surprised grin.

  “Keep your fucking hands off me.”

  I thought I would see it coming but I don’t. He quickly takes me in his hands, slamming me up against the wall causing my head to bounce off the wall. It hurts and I know I’ll have a mark but I have to get away so I push away from him but his grip is tight and my attempts are unsuccessful.

  “Sorry, baby girl, you’re mine.”

  I shake my head as I continue to try to get away. “Why do you do this to me when obviously you have someone else on the side. Go to her, leave me alone. Let me go.”

  He shakes his head, holding me as if I weigh nothing and that my fighting is doing nothing to him. I can see where I have scratched him, but he doesn’t seem to care. He is proving his strength to me and it scares the shit out of me.

  “Never. It’s death till we part Violet and don’t forget that.”

  No. It’s not.

  Glaring up at him, I say, “let me go.”

  “No.”

  I feel that he isn’t holding my legs so I kick my knee up and get him right between the legs, causing him to fall over, grabbing himself. He groans and I know I should run but I can’t move, he’s blocking the door and I know if I run that way he will grab me.

  “You stupid bitch. I’m going to beat the fuck out of you.”

  “No, you’re going to keep your hands off me or I’m going to call the cops,” I say, reaching for the home phone, just in case, but he surprises me, grabbing it before throwing it up against the wall, shattering it. He reaches for me but I move out of the way and run down the hall from him. Entering my bathroom, I slam the door shut and fall to the ground as tears started to fall down my face. I saw this going differently. I’d threaten him and he’d leave me be but, like always, he does the opposite of what I want.


  “You think this door is going to keep me out?” I hear him scream before he starts pounding on the door. “I’m going to teach you to keep your hands to yourself, you bitch.”

  “Leave me alone!” I scream just as his fist comes through the door. I scream out, balling up cause it’s only a matter of time before he gets in. I should have run out the door instead of the bathroom, but if I did get by him and I got to my car, where would I go? I could go to a hotel but knowing him, he’d show up at my work and that would involve Tucker and there is no way I’m going to involve him. I should just run, I should just go to my mom but I can’t risk him going out there. Anywhere I go, he’d find me, and that would put anyone I go to for help in trouble.

  I thought by now I would have this figured out. I thought I would have a foolproof plan. One that would keep me safe but it seems that I’m in the same position I was in since marrying him. I know what I want. I know what I need to do to get there but I just don’t know to get away from him scot free. I should have just kept everything I learned today locked up but I needed him to know this this can’t happen to me. I need him to know that I’m not some rag doll for him to beat. That he has to treat me with respect but it seems like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t have any respect for me. He doesn’t care about me and he sure doesn’t love me. It’s insane. It seems that everything I do is wrong and nothing good ever comes out of it.

  But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe what I did was right because I think that he knows he can’t do what he did, ever again, because now I know I can get help. That’s why he’s so mad, that’s why he’s trying to get to me, because I have showed him I’m done taking all his shit. And now he wants to show me he doesn’t care. I honestly believe that he’ll kill me before he lets me go and I have no clue what to do.

  When the door finally cracks and swings into me, I scramble, trying to get away but there is nowhere for me to go. In seconds he has me. Pinning me to the ground with his hands and weight. I try to get away but there’s no use. He has me. Looking down at me, he shakes his head as he presses his knee into my vagina, causing me to cry out.