by Toni Aleo
“Just worried, something feels off this morning. I wasn’t sure if it was you or Pilar, I’m going to go check on her after I get off the phone with you.”
“Oh, okay,” I say, taking in a deep breath. I don’t know what I thought she meant by that but it worried me. “How are you?”
“Alright, getting everything figured out with mom’s estate. It’s a pain in my ass.”
“Yeah,” I agree and maybe I should wait a little longer before going home. She sounds stressed out and I hate to add to her stress but if I don’t go home where will I go? I can’t go to Tucker’s, but maybe a shelter? Or maybe I can stay in a hotel? Shit, I don’t know. I won’t have the money for a hotel and a lawyer but I don’t know if I can put my mom through that.
“What’s wrong? You’re quiet.”
“Nothing, just thinking.”
“About? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah mom, I’m fine.”
“No, I can tell something is wrong. Tell me before I fly down there and make you tell me,” she said with the authority of a mother.
“Mom, it’s nothing. Everything is going to be fine.”
I shouldn’t have said it like that. My mom catches everything and now is no different. “So it’s not now? What’s wrong? What do you need?”
I know I have to tell her. I can’t just show up and be like ‘Hi, I’m moving in!’ I need to give her some warning but I know that I can’t say I’m coming to stay with her without an explanation. She’s going to want to know everything and I can’t tell her all that right now. I’m not ready. Or maybe I am but I’m scared. Hell, I don’t know. I just know I need to tell her something. I need somewhere to go and if she can’t take me in, then I need to know that.
“Is the offer for me to come live with you still on the table?”
She pauses. “With or without Rob?”
I swallow loudly before saying, “Without.”
“Absolutely,” she says quickly. “When are you coming? Are you flying? Or driving? Do you need money?”
“Mom, whoa,” I say, completely overwhelmed.
“What? Are you leaving today?”
“No, I don’t know, things are a little crazy right now,” I say and I can’t believe she didn’t ask why. “Are you sure? I don’t want to add to the stress that you’re going through with grandma’s estate and everything.”
“Yes, I’m sure, you being with him adds to the stress, Violet. Leaving him will make a lot of my stress go away.”
I hate myself for that. I knew she worried about me but hearing that a situation I hide from her stresses her out, hurts me. I don’t want to do that to my mom. Closing my eyes, I can’t believe she hasn’t asked yet. I could have sworn that would be the first thing she would ask about. “You don’t want to know why I’m leaving him?”
“I don’t care why as long as you leave. It’s about time, is all I have to say. Do you need money?” she asks again.
I wouldn’t tell her yes if I did. I can’t take anything from her. “No, mom, I don’t. I’m still figuring things out.”
“There is nothing to figure out, leave everything behind and come home.”
“I can’t, not yet.”
She doesn’t say anything as I slowly work my lip. I’m still waiting for all the questions, to know what Rob has done to me but they never come. Instead, she says, “I am here when you need me. I always will be. I want to remind you though, to trust your heart and no matter how much you think you need to stay there for a certain amount of time, know that your heart knows best. When it’s time to go, go. Don’t worry about anything else. We’ll worry about all that when you get here. I love you, Violet. So much.”
Tears sting my eyes as I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I love you more, mom.”
“Call me as soon as you know when you’ll be here.”
“I will.”
“Okay, I’ll let you go, I’m still gonna go check on Pilar, but Violet?”
“Yeah mom?”
“I’m so proud of you for leaving him, for getting past your fears.”
I choke on a sob and all I can do is nod, knowing that no words are able to leave my lips.
“Alright baby, talk to you soon, bye.”
“Bye,” I manage to say before I end the call and lay down the phone, allowing my sob to escape. Everyone wants to help me and instead of reaching out and getting the help, I’ve hid it all. I don’t understand why I’ve let this happen but I can’t dwell on that. I have to look forward because I’m about to take back my life. I don’t have time to cry the way I want before the phone dings and Ms. Yolanda’s voice is filling my office.
“Violet, Andrea is here and ready for you.”
I clear my throat before answering, “Okay, thank you.”
“No problem.”
When the line goes dead, I sit back in my seat, wiping my face while being careful around my nose and cheeks. Taking a mirror out my desk, I check my face, hoping it’s clear of tears but when I see myself all I want is to cry again. It’s going to be hell walking through this office and into the x-ray room. I have to pass everyone to get there and I’m scared to go out there and let them see me. I know that they don’t know anything about my struggles but I don’t want the questions. I plan on lying but what if they all suspect that and think that I’m weak? I know it doesn’t matter what they think but it scares me. I’ve spent the last three years of my life trying to put on a show and I’m tired. I want out. I need out.
I wait another minute, looking at myself and I wish like hell I could see the girl I used to love and know. I know she is in there somewhere. Behind the bruises, behind the broken face and watery eyes but all I see is a woman that is scared. A woman that has allowed a man to use her as a punching bag and to completely control everything and I hate her. I don’t want to be that woman and I know I can’t let him win. I can’t keep being so scared. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be strong. I want to be the woman my mom is proud of and also the woman that is worthy of a man like Tucker. Sitting here, crying and feeling sorry for myself, is not going to do that. I have to get up and I have to truck on.
Taking in a deep breath, I stand up, running my hands down my skirt and shirt to make it straight. I slowly walk to my door, my heart pounding, my stomach churning but I ignore it all. I can do this. When I reach for the handle, I let out a breath as I repeat those words again:
I can do this.
My nose is broken.
After getting a couple shots in my face and having it reset, I go home early and sleet most of the day away and well into the night. I’m not sure where Rob is, but I don’t care. My face is aching and I need to sleep. I wake up around four a.m. because my face was hurting so damn bad. Tears cloud my eyes as I sit up and look at the clock beside my bed. I groan because I’m not supposed to be up for another two hours. Stumbling out of the bed and to the kitchen, I grab some aspirin before popping two with some water. When I turn to go back to my room, I let out an ear-deafening scream.
Rob is standing in the middle of the living room watching me, the whole room is black except for the light on the counter. With a bored look, he says, “What the hell?”
“You scared me. I thought you were at work.”
“I got sent home early again. The damn charge nurse has it out for me, she’s changed my whole damn schedule. I don’t even work four twelves anymore. I work every night because we need someone to work overtime. It’s fucking stupid,” he says walking past me to get something out of the fridge. He acts like it’s just another morning. As if he didn’t break my nose two nights ago. I don’t say anything else and start walking toward my room but then he says, “You went to work yesterday?”
I look back at him and nod. “Yeah.”
He eyes me curiously, carefully. “With your face like that?”
“Yeah.”
I try to sound confident and unaffected by him but I’m not sure if it works. He is annoyed though and that makes me
nervous. I’m supposed to be staying out of his way, not pissing him off.
“Did that asshole doctor say something? ‘Cause when I see him at the hospital, he is a jackass to me. I’m pretty sure he’s the reason the charge nurse hates me. They’re all buddy buddy.”
I would roll my eyes but I’m pretty sure that would hurt plus not help this situation. With a shrug of my shoulders, I say, “that’s because he doesn’t like you but I don’t care about any of that. I had to go to work so I did. You keep bitching about money, so I don’t know what you want.”
“I want your boss to leave me the fuck alone.”
I shake my head. “I gotta go to work in a couple hours, I need to sleep this headache away.”
His eyes narrow but I ignore them and turn to go back down the hall to my room. To my surprise he doesn’t say anything else and once there, I shut the door and lock it before getting back in my bed. Reaching for my phone, I send a text to Tucker.
Violet: Are you sleeping? Or working out?
I know he wakes up early to work out and like I thought, it only takes a second before a text comes back.
Tucker: Just woke up, you okay?
Violet: Yeah. He came home early.
Tucker: Is he bothering you?
Violet: No. I’m in my room, I just wanted to talk I guess. Sorry if I’m bothering you.
Tucker: Not at all. I was thinking about you.
I can’t help the grin that spreads across my stiff face or the butterflies that take flight all at once in my stomach.
Violet: He is surprised I went to work.
Tucker: Good. He should be worried.
Violet: Yeah. He also says that you are the reason his schedule is all messed up. Any reason why he would say that?
When his response takes a while to get there, I know he is lying.
Tucker: Nope, not at all.
Violet: Liar.
Tucker: I have no clue what you mean.
Violet: You are trying to keep him away from me.
I’m not mad. How can I be? He found a loophole around my request.
Tucker: Yup and I’m not apologizing for it.
I shake my head as I type back.
Violet: You don’t have to.
Tucker: Good…enough about him. Are we going to the meeting tonight?
I pause, reading his words over and over again. If I show up with my face like this, there is no way I could just sit there. I’d have to talk and you know what, maybe it’s time I did. I have to try, I have to believe in myself like my mom and Tucker does. I have to be strong.
Violet: Yeah, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to say something. I can’t just sit there. They’ll know something is up.
Tucker: Yeah, I’ll go in with you if you want.
He is amazing, isn’t he?
Violet: I’m gonna try to do it myself.
Tucker: You can do it.
Tears cloud my vision as I type back.
Violet: I hope so.
Tucker: I know you can. You got this.
Do I?
Nope. No I don’t. Not even in the least. Oh, I am fucked. Everyone is staring at me. My palms are clammy and my heart is beating out of control. I want to run. I want to hide. I don’t want to be here but I’m not moving. Instead, I’m scanning the circle, watching as everyone watches me.
When I look at Marci, I swallow loudly as she says, “I’m glad you have been coming back, but maybe today you’d like to tell us what happened to your face. Or maybe even your name. We’re here for you. You understand that, right? Nothing ever leaves this room. I can promise you that.”
I look down, picking at my nails. I start to say my name, just my name, but it doesn’t come out. I don’t understand that because I know my own flipping name, but it isn’t coming out. When I look up, everyone is watching me and I feel like I can’t breathe. Tears cloud my eyes and I can’t help but think what the hell am I doing? If I can’t even speak to them, how am I ever going to leave this part of my life behind me? How am I ever going to get my life back if I can’t get the help I need? I don’t know, but I can’t do this. I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack and I know I have to get out of here. I shake my head and I’m about to run but as I go to get up, a hand comes down on my shoulder.
I look up to see Tucker smiling down at me. “You can do this,” he whispers.
My breathing hitches and a tear slowly roll down my cheek as I shake my head. “I can’t.”
He reaches down, slowly catching my tear before nodding and saying, “You can. I believe in you.”
“We’re here to help you,” Marci says but I can’t stop looking into Tucker’s eyes. His eyes are full of love and concern for me while urging me on and I want to believe his words. I want to be strong.
I want my life back.
Looking back at Marci, I clear my throat as Tucker softly squeezes my shoulders. Closing my eyes, I slowly repeat the words that surprisingly help me.
I can do this.
“My name is Violet and-” I pause as a large smile goes over Marci’s face, urging me on. When I look around, everyone is smiling at me waiting for me to go on, but I’m scared. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath before opening them again. I don’t know what I was expecting but everyone is still watching me, smiles on their faces and when I look up, Tucker is still there, smiling and giving me the strength I need. He believes in me. He loves me. He knows I can do this and I can, because I believe in myself too. I want to love myself the way he loves me and the only way that can happen is if I heal.
Looking back at Marci, I clear my throat again and wipe my face. She is waiting for me to finish and after taking in one more long breath, I say, “I have been in an abusive relationship with my husband for three years and I am ready to leave. I am ready to get my life back-”
I pause and look up at Tucker. “I’m ready to be happy.”
I couldn’t get through my whole story without crying.
I mean, really who could go through what I have been through without crying? I thought telling Tucker about everything was amazing and perfect but opening myself up to these women was really what I needed. Each one of them listened and cried and I know that each of them is here for me.
With Tucker still close to my side, tears drip down my face as I look up at Marci and take in a deep breath. “I only need another week and then I’m gone. As much as I would love to leave now, I need one more paycheck. I need to be able to support myself.”
Marci nods as Tammy asks, “but can’t you borrow the money from your family or maybe even him?”
I look at over at Tucker and shake my head. “I got myself into this mess; I need to get myself out of it.”
“I understand that completely, but sometimes you need to lean on someone and it’s obvious that this man wants to help you. With everything you have told us, I truly believe the only reason you are here is because of him,” Marci says.
I wipe away my tears and nod and offer a smile. “You’re right but I can’t ask him for anything else. He has done so much for me plus I wouldn’t feel right taking a hand out.”
Tucker squeezes my hand and I look over at him, leaning into him, into his strength. “It wouldn’t be a hand out though because I want to help you. I want you to get away and I want you to one day be ready to love me back, Violet. I’d do anything for you, don’t you understand that?”
I blink, my chest rising and falling while our gazes are locked. Marci breaks our silent reverie. “The thing is, you’re making excuses for why you can’t leave. It is always going to be give me one more week, oh, I only need one more, because in your head you’re too scared to leave. Your fear of your husband and the fear of the unknown is what is keeping you in that house.”
Ann Marie raises her hand and everyone looks over at her. She is holding her sweet baby in her arms and I know it hasn’t been that long since she left her husband but she looks better. Her eyes aren’t so dark and she isn’t working her lip nervously.
Instead, she is smiling, holding her baby close as she looks at me.
“I left with two hundred and fifty dollars. It has only been thirteen days and I am still scared out of my mind. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get back home and when I shared that last week, after the meeting Rena offered to pay my way to Germany.”
Everyone’s eyes cut to Rena and she just smiles as she looks down at her hands while Ann Marie goes on. “I refused to take it but then he found me and I realized I can’t do this on my own and I can’t bring my parents into it, so I took the money and I’m leaving Saturday.”
“That’s wonderful, we’ll miss you but that’s great. That was very generous of you, Rena,” Marci says with a bright grin on her face.
“I am hoping that helping her will make me save myself. We can’t keep doing this. We all need our lives back. I hope that you realize that,” Rena strains, her eyes on me. “This man wants to help you. Take the help.”
“We all want the same thing here, Violet. We want you to get away and be happy like you want, but I’m telling you, you’re never going to leave if you keep waiting until you’re ready. Because, honestly, you’ll never be ready. You have to just go. You have to do this. You’re ready in my eyes. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t have been strong enough to share your story. No, you’d be sitting there, staring at us all. This is the time. Go. And don’t look back.”
Tears roll down my cheeks as I look down at my lap where little dark spots are all over my jeans from my tears. I’m torn between what’s right and my own fear. Do I believe these people? Do I take the chance and Tucker’s help before I run like hell? Or do I plan? And I can’t help but wonder is Marci right? Have I been using the excuse of being not ready as my crutch? I have all the people that want to help me, my mom and Tucker and I think my fear has been pushing them away. If I don’t have the money, I can’t leave and that means he has won.
What am I doing?
I mean what do I want? That is the real question.
It doesn’t take long for the answer to come. I want my life back.