“You’re looking for something better when I’m right here. I’ve… It’s not easy for me to express myself. But, fuck it, I’m falling in love with you, Sarah.”
His words suck all the air from the room. My lungs expand and contract, but I can’t get enough air.
So I nod, and he smiles and pulls me closer, and his lips find mine and melt the barrier between us I was trying to carefully build. I let him lead me to my bedroom because I want him. I need him.
Blake was wrong about me. I’m a terrible person.
Chapter 25
I haven’t talked to Blake or seen Jack in five days, despite both their efforts to contact me. How can I talk to either of them when I’m sort of betraying them both? Speaking to Blake is impossible until I break up with Jack, but I told Jack I’d give him a chance—and whenever we’re together, everything else in the world burns away.
That should tell me something, but if Jack is the one, how come I still feel this amazing connection to Blake? When we talk, no one else in the world exists. Our conversations are the weird, amazing ones that are about everything and nothing. They eat up hours of my days, and I can’t imagine going the rest of my life not talking to him.
I’m not technically exclusive with either of them, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m being torn in half, and neither man is the clear choice. So I need to back off and stay away from both of them until I can give all of myself to one of them. Otherwise, it’s not fair to any of us, and I’m no better than my mom.
Every night, I lie awake, tortured with the knowledge that I’m going to hurt someone. I already am hurting someone—I just don’t know who I’ll say good-bye to. The bags under my eyes have swelled to epic proportions, and my nerves are shot. I’ve made pro and con lists for both men. I’ve had dreams about them both—the few times I’ve managed to pass out—and I can see a happy future with either of them, each in their own separate ways.
Unfortunately, I have to make a decision—and fast.
But it would be easier if I could split myself in two and be with both of them.
Shit. I realize the phone has been ringing for who knows how long, and I scramble to answer it. “Inner Space, Sarah speaking.”
“How much for a butt massage?”
“Pete?”
“You know it.”
Paranoia has me throwing a glance over my shoulder to check for hippies or Phyllis, but the coast is clear. “How are you? Where have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been around. Not feeling well, blah blah. I’m better now. I’m more interested in what you’ve been up to, my little seductress.”
“Huh?”
“Are you really going to pretend you’re not boinking my brother?”
I cringe. “He told you?”
“He didn’t have to. He’s been way too happy lately, and he’s mooned over you for ages. I put two and two together, and he admitted you two had begun seeing each other recently.”
Great. Now Pete’s going to hate me too when he finds out about Blake. If Blake is the one for me. FML, I don’t even know who I want. “Is it cool if I call you later? The other line’s ringing.” Lie.
“Sure. We’ve got to do drinks soon and catch up.”
“How about you cook me dinner instead?”
“Now that sounds like the Sarah I know, trying to mooch food. Call me later and we’ll bang out details. Unless you’re too busy banging my—”
“Bye, Pete.”
He laughs. “Love you.”
I hang up and sag. Great. Now I’m going to have to avoid my best friend as well, or the guilt is going to eat me alive. I literally can’t handle one more thing going wrong right now.
As if summoned by a choir of demons, Phyllis strolls into the waiting room and leans against the counter, leaving a shiny forearm print of oil before taking a seat in a chair to do her notes until her client emerges. She discusses homework stretches with her client while I process her credit card. When my part’s done, I head to the back to clean up Phyllis’s room, which looks like it was hit by a tropical storm.
But I put it right, hauling the sheets and towels to the back room, and start a load of laundry. The load in the dryer finishes then, so I fold the towels I pull from it, replenishing the dwindling stack on the shelf and catching sight of my reflection in the mirror on the wall—and the dark circles under my eyes. Both Jack and Blake have noticed my absence the past few days, and though neither has pressured me to get together, I’m feeling the stress of the situation.
It’s only going to get worse the longer I go without making a decision. If only the world would stop and let me think about this for a year or two. Maybe I don’t deserve either man, but the fact remains: I have to let one of them go.
I’ve lusted after Jack for so long that maybe it’s nothing more than a habit, a default position. We have intense sexual chemistry, but could it be more than that? Just because he’s not as irresponsible about the future as I thought he is doesn’t automatically mean I should be with him. He’s a great guy, but do I mostly want him out of habit? What if all we have is sex, and my fears turn out to be true?
And Blake and I have these amazing conversations I’ve never had with anyone before. He’s hot and sweet and charming, but what if we don’t work in person? Is he so appealing because he’s safe? I can talk to him about things, but if it gets too intense, I can turn the computer off. I won’t be able to do that in person. Will it be so appealing when I don’t have the power to literally pause the relationship whenever it suits me?
Fern is chatting with Phyllis when I get back to my desk.
“We’re expecting a larger crowd than last time, which will be fabulous for the energy.”
“What’s this for, Fern?” Might as well engage her.
She turns to me. “Our Intensive Awakening workshop. We’re holding it at Salt Spring Lodge this year.”
“And you’re expecting higher numbers? That’s good.” For your bank account.
She nods. “It speaks to the collective consciousness and how people are screaming to evolve. As an energy worker and light warrior, it’s incredibly satisfying to realize I’m a part of it.”
“We all are,” Phyllis says.
“Yes. How is your Reiki going?” Fern touches Phyllis’s forearm.
“Very well. I’ve found it a little difficult working from the head down, but the more modalities you have under your belt, the better able you are to help others.”
“True. But remember, dabbling can be dangerous for your progression. It’s better to choose a couple of things and become great at them than to be adequate at many things.”
“You’re so right. I still have so much to learn.”
Ugh. Phyllis’s false humility makes me want to vomit. Just the other day, I heard her bragging to her friend Elizabeth that she was a leader in the healing war and one of the greatest healers in North America. I guess Fern doesn’t teach humility at her workshops.
“What about you, Sarah?”
“What about me?” I stare back into Phyllis’s glossy eyes.
“How many courses have you taken?”
“University and specified training. I’m a paralegal.”
“No.” She laughs. “School can only get you so far. I meant energy courses.”
“I haven’t done any.”
She closes her eyes and sighs. “Why are you here?”
“To work?”
“Yeah, but is that all? Because the rest of us are here to work and learn and grow and hold the space. We’re here to put good energy into this corner of the world and elevate its vibration. You won’t even have a treatment with any of us, and you’ve never even asked about Fern’s courses.”
“I sort of have a personal space thing.”
“If you were truly a good fit here, you’d see why such rigid boundaries aren’t a good thing for any of us.”
Phucking Phyllis.
Fern’s eyebrows are raised, and I find myself wanting
to be a part of things, if only so they stop dismissing me like I don’t understand anything.
“I did learn how to do ear-candling.”
Fern smiles. “Oh, that’s a good one. Where’d you learn that?”
“My ex worked at a health food store.” Actually, he and Phyllis would probably get on swimmingly.
“What else did he teach you?”
Not to trust people who talk about vitamins all day because eventually they’ll leave you for an amateur female bodybuilder so they can talk about carb-protein ratios? “He was really into sacred geometry.”
Fern looks impressed. “That is interesting. Did you study it much? I just got a merkaba crystal last week.”
I shake my head, now moving into bullshit territory. “I didn’t like the way they were so exclusionary with the teachings. The way they hoard their knowledge turned me off. Sort of like with Reiki—no offense, Phyl—but they sort of do the same thing, from what I know. I think that all knowledge should be shared. We should help people up, not try to hold them back to feel better about ourselves.”
“I agree completely,” Fern says with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her face, at least when directed at me. Phyllis’s mouth scrunches like she just sucked on an onion while Fern continues. “Have you ever thought about trying our program?”
Damn it, I didn’t want her to think I’m too into these things. “It’s so expensive. I couldn’t afford to do it.”
“Nonsense. For you we’d make an exception. It would be worth it to have you there joining in, being part of the team. It would be fabulous for the energy around here!” She holds her hands up in the air and smiles, then turns to Phyllis. “Wouldn’t it be fabulous?”
“Yes, but…” Her expression turns cunning. “Sarah hasn’t exactly said yes to anything yet. Maybe she doesn’t want to.”
My face heats up. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I really can’t afford the course, and I’d feel bad if you paid.”
“Sarah, let Ziggy and me worry about that.”
Think fast, Sarah. “It’s not just the course, Fern. It would be the days off work as well.”
She nods slowly. “I see what you mean. Let me think of something and get back to you.”
“Thanks for understanding.”
“Not a problem. We’ll make it work.”
“She doesn’t want to make it work,” Phyllis snaps and walks toward the counter.
“I already said I’m open to it.”
“That sounds really nice, Sarah, but until you walk the talk, your words are just breath-scented air.”
“Breath-scented air?”
“It means you aren’t getting off that easily. Some of us have worked our asses off to fit in around here, and you think you can just prance in here with your goth-black wardrobe and fancy hair and be one of us just like that? Without putting in the effort?” Phyllis snaps her fingers in my face just as Blake walks in like my dimpled, avenging angel.
He frowns and crosses the reception area, concern written all over his gorgeous features.
“Phyllis, can I talk to you for a second?” Fern takes Phyllis by the upper arm and leads her away from the desk as Blake steps behind me.
“Everything all right, Sarah?” He keeps his voice low so only I can hear it.
It is now. I want to throw myself in his arms and shout “Take me away!”
“I’m okay. What are you doing here?”
He trails his hand across my lower back on his way to the computer. “I finished early and decided to swing by to check my schedule.” His touch bolsters me. I’m not alone here. I have a sexy ally who cares about me. I hate that I can’t say anything to him about us, not in front of Fern and Phyllis, but I lean into his touch, grateful for his support. He’s always there for me like fate is trying to tell me something.
Blake narrows his eyes at Phyllis and Fern in the corner. “Are you sure you’re okay? I’ll be your getaway driver if you need to escape,” he whispers.
I suppress a giggle. “I’m good. I just need a new job far, far away. We’ll talk later, okay?” I don’t want to get too friendly in case I tip Fern off about us being more than coworkers.
“Okay. Don’t let the hippies get you down.” He turns his back to them and winks so only I can see, forcing me to smother a smile. He leaves and I focus on Fern and Phyllis’s conversation again.
“I’m surprised at you.” Fern crosses her arms. “Where is this coming from?”
“She’s always getting away with this, Fern. She’s not one of us and can’t possibly understand the fight we face every day to bring people to the light.”
“All the more reason for us to bring her along and make it easier for her. Evolution waits for no one. Maybe she’s never been in a safe enough place to grow the way she was meant to.” Fern strides to me and rests her hand on my shoulder. “As an energy worker yourself, I’m surprised that you would come down on her for not knowing better. You do.”
Phyllis looks stricken. “You’re right. I’ve failed.”
“Just breathe into it.” Fern nods at her and I grin. You know, that phrase isn’t quite so hateful when it’s directed at someone who’s been a pain in your ass. “And, Sarah, I’ve got it.” She heads back to the desk. “You can come to the course for free, and we will just extend your hours for a while so you can make up the difference.”
That wipes the smile from my face. “How do you mean? The retreat’s in a few days, and it’s almost the end of the month.”
“We’d be taking four days from your check. So, to make that up, you can come in early and get caught up on laundry and answer phones. Oh! And we can have you come and babysit our boys on Sunday.”
“So I’d be working twelve-hour shifts all week, and then babysitting for you all day Sunday?”
“Isn’t it great when things come together? It’s perfect! Ask and you shall receive,” she trills.
Phyllis is pissed and Fern’s thrilled, so that can’t be a completely bad thing, right? And who knows, maybe the time away at a quiet retreat will give me some perspective and stress relief so I can make a decision about which man is the one. On the other hand, it looks like I’ve been sucked into attending their course. “Are you sure Phyllis wouldn’t like to go instead? I’m so new, and she would get more out of it than I would, surely? I’d hate to take such an amazing experience from someone.”
Phyllis’s triumph returns. “I’ve already done the course three times. You’re right. Because you’re so new, it will be a fabulous new addition to the energy at the retreat. So fresh. You’ll learn so much. I remember the first time I went. It completely blew my mind! I came back an entirely different person. Maybe you will too.”
That’s what I’m afraid of.
Chapter 26
Later, at home, I’m pacing around my living room with a comically large glass of white wine. The added stress of Fern’s course makes my head throb with every beat of my heart. Making a decision between the two men in my life would simplify things so much.
If it’s about a physical connection, that’s not fair, because Blake and I have only touched a couple of times, and they were regrettably platonic. That said, the one time he practically melted me with his hands, so who knows how great our chemistry could be if we made love. There was something there, or the potential for something there, so Jack and my amazing physical relationship wins, but it’s not by one hundred percent.
And the emotional connection I have with Blake should be the clincher, but I’ve had moments of that with Jack too. And I haven’t really talked much with him or given him a chance to be more than sex. He was right about that.
Jack has the physical edge with the potential for more emotions. Blake has the emotional edge with the potential for more chemistry. What’s more important in a relationship in the long term? I’d say emotional, which would mean Blake is the one, but Jack and I started as friends, so I know we’d get along well long-term.
I pace around m
y coffee table, waiting for a bolt of clarity to hit and tell me which man is the one. They both deserve an answer, but I don’t know what to do. My stomach’s been killing me for days.
Time to talk to the one person who will tell it like it is and kick my ass into gear.
Pete picks up on the fourth ring. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Calling to work out the details of our dinner date, and also I have some issues right now that I could really use your keen observation on, oh sage one.”
“Okay.”
Now that I can fully vent, I don’t even know where to start. I’m overwhelmed by choices and hippie bullshit. I guess I’ll start there. “Everything is a mess right now. My bitchy coworker I told you about has gotten way worse, and I’m pretty sure she’s trying to get me fired and making me look bad whenever she can. Ziggy and Fern hate me and have no boundaries, and have made me start wearing these god-awful smocks to work every day. They’re a horrid shade, like half of a rainbow, and make me look sick and the fabric is stiff and makes me look about as curvy as a refrigerator. I got railroaded into doing one of their stupid New Age courses, which is four days long! And it’s way out in Jersey, so it’s isolated, and I read on the pamphlet online that we’re completely cut off from the outside world! It’s going to be like Survivor without the film crew, but full of hippies trying to stare into my eyes and break down my boundaries and make me talk about uncomfortable things.”
“Wow.”
“I’m not even done yet. After the course—which freaks me out because I’m pretty sure it’s a cult—I’ll be short on rent, so they’re ‘helping me out’ by letting me work twelve-hour shifts all that week and then babysitting their children on Sunday! Can you believe that? Twelve-hour shifts for a week after doing their hippie crap. I’ll be wrecked.”
“Well—”
“And that’s not even touching on my personal life, Pete. I swear, it never rains; it pours. You know that I’ve been seeing Jack, but we’re just, well, physical. I can’t be with him for obvious reasons, not least of which is the fact it would ruin the friendship. Or, at least, I thought there were other reasons we couldn’t be together until very recently and now I’m not so sure. But our chemistry is amazing. I’m trying really hard not to get into specifics and gross you out because he’s your brother—”
Missed Connections Page 18