by J. M. Mason
Then I thought of the young men standing in a line to poke themselves into any woman who happened to walk by them. They were the funniest and the most pathetic ones of all. They would’ve run screaming if I’d turned around and clasped their crotch in my hands and whispered sweet nothings in their ears. The courage they had as a unit was all they could offer.
Now, I’ll let this go and get on with my quest for a mate. So far, I’m not making much progress, unless becoming angry is considered a positive emotion. I positively didn’t pull anyone’s dick off and beat them silly with it, for that we can all be thankful, because my mind thought of beating someone with a pecker that was only four inches long when erect, was way too absurd.
Chapter Forty-Five
The birds singing in the trees outside my bedroom window woke me early Saturday morning. I was so wide awake I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I jumped out of bed, showered, and dressed for a fun-filled day of restocking my nearly empty cupboards with paper products before the end of the week. This made it imperative that I not procrastinate another week.
After putting on a pair of jeans and a royal blue button-down shirt, I wandered into the kitchen to make me some oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast. I added a cup of blueberry flavored coffee with a splash of half and a half to lighten the color of the beverage to complete my meal. It was a great breakfast to have before I had to gird my loins and go to the big box store. Evidently, I’m in a blue mood to make my entire breakfast with blueberries.
I was sitting sipping my coffee and reading the newspaper when there was a loud knocking on my door. I dropped my coffee cup on the table in front of me, causing it to splash blueberry-flavored coffee on the wall beside me. The sound had triggered enough fear to make me want to jump up and run to safety from attack.
A scream escaped my throat, it was my hope the police wouldn’t be called to help a damsel in distress before I could get to the door. Maybe, I wasn’t as relaxed as I thought.
“Who would be here before nine on a Saturday morning?”
I rushed to open the door, slipped on the spilled coffee in my rush to find out what was such an emergency, but kept myself upright to see who thought hammering on my door was warranted. Only my sons had the right to do so in case of an emergency.
To my surprise, when I opened the door a crack to peek out to see who was wanting to get my attention so desperately, I found Jenny and Jodie. They pushed their way into my home before I could say anything. Jenny pressed in front of me while Jodie closed the door after she shoved me toward the kitchen to get into my house. Sometimes friends can be so forceful.
When I turned toward them, they were standing with their hands on their cocked hips, glaring at me. I couldn’t figure out why they were so mad at me. What had I done to make them look like they hated me?
If it were colder outside, their faces would have frozen with deep wrinkles between their eyes, and their mouths were pinched so tight, they would need a crowbar to pry them open. It was all I could do to not giggle at the looks on their faces.
“Where did you go last night?” Jenny demanded. “The last we saw of you, you were dancing with that funny little man you pulled out of the crowd to dance with you earlier.”
“We thought you’d gone home with him, but then we saw him dancing with someone else,” Jodie said.
“You believed I’d go home with someone like him?” I asked. “How could you?”
“What did you expect us to think?” Jodie asked. “He was the last person we saw you with, and he was rather weird.”
“So, you think I go for the weird men, really?” I said.
“I don’t think the man will go out dancing again without his wife after you got to him, and we finished him off,” Jenny said. “We walked up to him and yanked him out of the arms of a poor lady and demanded he tell us what he did to you. The lady he was dancing with shrugged her shoulders at me and faded into the crowd, relieved to be rid of him, I expect.”
“He said you went to the bathroom,” Jodie added. “But when we went to the bathroom and checked, you weren’t in there. Six or seven men stood like guards near the door that moved out of the way when they saw our faces. What did you do to them?
“Then we went outside and spoke to the valet, who said you drove off pissed about something. You scared him so bad, he didn’t want to say anything to you or put his hand out for a tip for fear that’d he’d have to explain to his boss how he got a black eye or bloody nose parking cars.”
“Dr. Jameson was worried about you, too,” Jenny interjected. “We all decided to call it a night, and thought it was best not to bother you last night in case you had a date. So that’s why we’re here now. To get the low down.”
“By the way,” Jodie said. “That funny little man was a jerk. How dare he bawl and squall about his wife not understanding him, while she sits home when he goes out dancing, pawing women, and getting drunk. He needs his testicles pinched off.”
I didn’t dare laugh, or they would’ve pinched off my head. I told them everything that had transpired to make me go home as we sat and drank a cup of coffee.
“To top off the funny little man trying to make me feel sorry for him, that long line of men standing by the door – that your looks made move – was the last straw of the evening. When I walked by them, they shoved their erect penises against me. I turned toward them when I got to the end of the line and gave them the evil eye and told them, ‘It was good for me, was it good for you, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,’ then I went home.”
I grinned, then continued, “I stole your line to me when I met Zac.” My smile faded to scowl. “Do I have a sign on my forehead telling men that I’m into any old dick and dick- head?”
Jenny and Jodie burst into laughter.
“No wonder those men moved out of the way when we came out of the bathroom,” Jenny said. “They were afraid of you, so when we glared at them, they moved fast. That’s just too funny.”
“Next time,” Jodie said. “I’m going to go into the men’s bathroom, sit on the sinks and yell, ‘Pecker inspection, haul ‘em out for inspection,’ then run like crazy and hide, so they don’t see me, to stand and watch what they do. The openings to the bathrooms show too much. While the stalls are around the corner, the sinks are in the open.”
“You wouldn’t,” I said.
Jodie batted her eyes at me and smiled. Maybe, she would do it. Who knows it may be a kick?
“What makes you think I wouldn’t dare? How do you know I haven’t done it before I met you?”
Jenny and I just looked at her. Knowing very little about each other, we gave her the benefit of the doubt.
“What are you up to this morning?” Jenny asked. “I’m hungry. Let’s go have breakfast somewhere. Then we can hit the stores.”
“That’s why I’m up so early,” I said. “I need a lot of junk. I was getting ready to go to the big box store for the supplies that are necessary daily.”
“Let’s go,” Jodie said. “We can take my truck. There’s plenty of room to put your junk and our junk, as long as no man wants to haul his junk around with us.”
I laughed at Jodie’s joke. My life was a mess, but it was my mess, and my friends liked my chaos. I just needed to reevaluate some things about my wants and needs in life. It would be nice if the path I was to take would be clearly marked with big flashing letter and arrows every step of the way. Or if someone would carry a stick with a string tied to a bright orange carrot to lead the way.
Chapter Forty-Six
We were busy with our personal lives and new patients at work, Jenny, Jodie and, I didn’t have the energy to go out, which was a good thing. I needed the time to find what I wanted to do with my life, consider if I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone or evaluate what I wanted and needed in a relationship if I decided that living alone wasn’t something I wanted to do.
Sunday was a day to look at the ads in the local paper. I was flipping the pages of a flyer from an e
lectronics store when I noticed a tempting ad for personal computers at an excellent price.
It was time I found out what all the hype was about owning a computer. I was becoming well-educated in the use of a computer at work and had been thinking a lot about having one at home. Jenny and Jodie talked about looking at all kinds of things on the internet to entertain themselves on days off.
An old boyfriend worked for the company of one of the machines advertised in the paper. He told me in the recent past that it was one of the best computers on the market, and it was user friendky. So, I had no problem deciding to buy one before I talked myself out of it.
The young man who was walking around the floor of the showroom came over to me with a broad grin on his handsome face. Is it all in my head, or are the salespeople becoming younger and younger every year?
“Hi, my name is Ron, how may I help you today?”
“I’m looking for a personal computer for the house,” I said. “I know very little about them, so I would like to have an easy one to use.”
“Well, let’s see. I have several on sale this month, let me show you a few. They are over here.”
My head was spinning from all the information he was giving me. I knew nothing about what he was telling me, yet I feared to tell him. I didn’t want him to start over in his sales pitch.
I was dazedly looking at the models of computers sitting in front of me on shelves. Delight filled me when I spotted the one that was built in the company where my former boyfriend worked.
“I’m going to take that one.”
I pointed like a hunting dog at the computer of my choice. Thank God his eyes were in good shape and saw the one I was referring to. The purchase was completed in a matter of moments, and I hurried out to the car with my prize to return home.
Chapter Forty-Seven
I excitedly opened the box that held my computer, read the manual from English to where the next language began, and became immediately confused. All the steps became a blur, causing me to panic. I put down the manual and took a deep breath to calm myself.
When I decided to follow one step at a time, it became clear, and in no time, my computer was ready to use, or so I thought. The manual suggested an internet service be connected to be able to do research.
All I needed was a telephone jack near the computer. That was the monkey wrench thrown into the completion of my computer set up. There was only one telephone jack and my telephone was plugged into it. The manual indicated the phone was needed to get on line, so I called the phone company to make arrangement to have a line put in so I could use the internet.
My telephone service said they could come on Tuesday from three to five to install the jack for the internet and get me started on the road to internet surfing. In the meantime, I used the games that were available on the computer and typed some letters. However, I discovered that there was no way to get the letter in the envelope from the computer.
“Damn!”
It seems when you buy one thing, a million other things are needed to be able to use the original item. Why can’t they make a bundle that has a computer, internet, and printer all in one deal? I believe they would sell more computers that way.
Not only do you need to discover many other things that are required to enjoy your original purchase, but you must also learn how to run all of them at the same time, which makes for knowledge overload. Then your brain feels like it needs a drink, which leads to rehab. It’s just one vicious circle after another when you step into the modern world.
Spending several hours setting up this new contraption, I finally was able to make the silly printer spit out my letter. I discovered it was way past supper time. No wonder I was becoming grumpy enough to pitch the whole bundle through my window.
Have I told you I’m not a patient woman? I see a task needing to be done, and my mind goes into overdrive to get it done in two seconds, frustrating me to no end because it doesn’t go as I expect it to go.
The fact I’m not patient led to my downfall before the night was done. What I didn’t know, this day was going to be only the beginning of my frustration with the new-fangled device that was to make my life better. Tuesday night gave me a clue about what was going to happen in the future.
Chapter Forty-Eight
As soon as the telephone technician left me to my new internet service, I was on the computer like flies on a rotting carcass. I followed the directions that came with my computer and the lesson given to me by the technician, to get online. Anyway, I thought this was what was going to happen.
I pressed in the address for the dating service before I pressed the key that was to dial up the site requested, I checked to make sure I did it correctly, and all the information was in the right format. Then I pressed the enter button, sat back in my chair to wait.
Suddenly, the room was filled with an awful, high pitched, grinding sound that was coming from the computer. I grabbed the plug and pulled it from the wall, and suddenly the silence was deafening. The computer was broken by something I did wrong; being devastated was just an irony too great for me to handle.
“Oh, no! Damn, damn! Oh, no! I broke my computer. The one at work doesn’t do this when I use it. What have I done wrong?”
I snatched the manual off the edge of the table where my computer was sitting silently, the blank, black screen accused me of harming it. There had to be something I could do to remedy the problem.
Taking a pencil and ticking off all the steps to assure myself that I had indeed followed the direction correctly. I finally concluded that this was an exercise in futility. Humbly, I turned to the back of the manual and found the Help Line to call for assistance. When all else fails, call for the Mounties.
I solemnly dialed the toll-free number listed in the bold black numbers in the manual. As the phone was ringing in my ear, I looked to see if there was a crack in the side panels of the computer, finding none, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Good evening, how may I help you? My name is George, and I’m waiting to help you better enjoy your purchase,” George said.
“I broke my computer when I tried to get on the line.”
“On what line? Tell me what happened so I can better help you.”
“I wanted to look up a dating service on the computer, but when I typed in the words, the computer began to moan and groan. When I unplugged it from the wall, the noise quit. The manual said to call if I had a problem, and to me this is a big problem. I didn’t mean to break my computer.”
There was silence after I heard a clicking sound. I thought he had hung up on me. Then there was a second click and his voice came back to me. “You didn’t break your computer. The sound you heard was the call ringing into the company you wanted to do business with. It’s quite normal to hear that sound,” George said. “Although it isn’t a good idea to ever unplug the computer when it’s in use, if you have some work you had done, unplugging the computer would cause you to lose all the work you did.”
“Does that mean I broke it?” I asked.
“No, you didn’t break your computer. From what you told me about the difference in the sound at work and what you described just now, your volume is up to the loudest point on your computer. Just turn it down and see what that does for you.”
This was when I detected a change in the tone of George’s voice. He sounded like he was becoming exasperated with me, thinking I’m ignorant and no longer wanting to help me. My sons would develop this same tone with me when they lost patience when explaining their math to me so I could help them with their homework.
I’m not good at math, besides who needs greater than and less than when you can see if a number is more significant than the other number you are comparing. I know how to count, for crying out loud. Who invented that concept, and what good is it in the scheme of things?
“Ok, then, what do I do now?” I asked.
“Is the computer still unplugged?”
“Of course, I wasn’t going to
chance it catching fire until I talked with you.”
His attitude was beginning to make me testy. I’m not stupid. I know you don’t do a repeat of a mistake. I thought about asking for his mother’s phone number so I could discuss his attitude with her.
“OK, that’s easily fixed. Now plug in the computer, turn it on and get to where you were before you called me. When I hang up, wait a few minutes and then push the enter key to dial up the company. After you get the ring tone, wait for them to pick up. If you get a busy signal, hang up, and try again later. Does this help you?”
“Yes, thank you, George.”
Before he hung up the phone, he gave this long speech that I felt I needed to listen to for his sake. He said if there was anything else that he could do for me to please call him again. I wrote his name in the manual near the telephone number I used to reach him.
What I didn’t know was the chance of getting him again was more substantial than being struck by lightning, which became an issue for me later. Just because I wrote down his name, didn’t mean I was going to talk with him ever again.
Each time I called the helpline, I requested George, but no one seemed to know him when I ask for him specifically, every time I called. Why would they tell you their name if they weren’t ever going to talk with you again? I finally got the message after I ran out of room to write down the names of those who assisted me. Not one of the people spoke to me again.
By the time I talked to the nice young man, I had had it with the computer for the rest of the night. I decided to leave getting online until the weekend and then try again to look up a dating service on the dial-up line.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Every two weeks, we had temporary help to fill in for those who were taking their vacations. When Dr. Johnson opened her office, we had to take our vacations when the doctor closed the office for her time away. This created a real problem that didn’t become resolved until she decided to hire temporary help when we needed time to spend with our families during vacation, and she could enjoy her vacation without inconveniencing all of us.