I blow out the breath I’ve been holding. “I’m not sure how comfortable I feel with a visitation schedule.” My calm words belie how my heart is almost pounding out of my chest in panic at the mere thought.
“I’m her mother,” Victoria says quietly. “I’ve grown up these past few years. I’m begging you, Noah, to not turn me away.”
My mind scrambles with how to handle this situation. Not in a million years did I think I would come home today to find my ex-wife standing on the front porch. “Now isn’t a good time. How about we meet tomorrow at a coffee shop after I drop Sofie off at school?” I say reluctantly, buying me some time to formulate a plan.
She nods and I give her directions to Sacred Grounds. Before I turn to go back to my vehicle, Victoria squeezes my arm. “Thank you, Noah.”
Conflicting feelings swirl around inside me like a pack of angry hornets. How can she reappear after five years and insist she be part of Sofie’s life? I jump back in the car while Victoria watches me pull into the garage.
“Who was that lady, Daddy?” Sofie says as she watches Vicki walk down the sidewalk and out of sight.
“A lady from Daddy’s work,” I reply. I don’t want to tell my daughter it was her mother.
~*~
I’ve got no hope of focusing on work this evening. Victoria’s reappearance is too emotionally distracting. I barely manage to choke down my double cheeseburger. After the discussion with Vicki, I wish I’d gotten the fries.
I don’t mention the encounter any further, and Sofie seems to have accepted my story. In any other instance I wouldn’t lie to my daughter, but I don’t know how this situation is going to play out, so I justify the falsehood in my mind.
Once Sofie’s tucked into bed and we’ve read her bedtime story, she nods off quickly. I tiptoe out her door, softly clicking it shut. Once I’m in my bedroom behind closed doors, I dial Rae.
“I thought you were working late. I didn’t expect to hear from you,” Rae says in her cheery voice.
“Me too. But I had an unexpected visitor when I got home.”
“Oh? Who?” I hear papers shuffling as Rae does something on her end of the phone.
“My ex-wife. Sofie’s mother.”
The paper noise stops abruptly. After several beats, Rae says, “What did she want?” There’s a tinge of concern in her voice.
I exhale loudly. “She wants to establish a visitation schedule with Sofie.”
Rae gasps. “That’s a big ask. I thought she signed away her parental rights after she left?
I told Rae bits and pieces about Victoria leaving, but not everything.
“When I think back, I’m not sure that she signed away her rights but rather gave me full custody . . .” My voice trails off in fear that her case for getting any visitation rights isn’t as impossible as I hope. “Victoria claims that she’s changed and wants to reestablish a relationship with her daughter. I have a meeting tomorrow morning at eight with my attorney to see what rights Vicki has in this case. Then I’m talking to Vicki at eleven.”
“Oh, Noah. You must be feeling so conflicted.” Rae’s supportive tone makes me feel marginally better.
“I never told you the whole sad story, Rae. I’m not blameless in this mess.”
I hear a chair squeak as Rae sits down. “Tell me everything, Noah.”
I sigh loudly and launch into the story. “Sofie was a colicky baby. She rarely slept through the night. Since I was the one working, Vicki agreed to get up with Sofie every night.” I remember those days as if it were just yesterday.
“As the weeks wore on, I could tell it was having a physical impact on Vicki. She was fatigued and irritable all the time and sometimes fell asleep right after dinner. She’d break into crying jags for no apparent reason. Vicki was immature and not mentally prepared to take care of a newborn. Before she had the baby, Vicki even admitted she wasn’t ready to be tied down. She wanted to go out with friends at the drop of a hat, and that was much more difficult once Sofie arrived.”
I pause, thinking of all the dumb mistakes we both made. “Now that I know more, I think Vicki also had some form of postpartum depression.”
A small, sympathetic “oh” comes across the line, followed by, “Did she get any help at the time?”
“When I suggested that, she said it was just temporary and she refused to see a doctor. Unfortunately, looking back, I think she was ashamed of the feelings she was having . . . One time she handed me Sofie and said, ‘I can’t deal with her anymore’ and just left the house. She was gone for six hours and I never knew where she went.”
Retelling the story is difficult even now. I pause and take a sip of water, then continue. “Vicki had good and bad days. I never knew which Vicki I’d come home to. I hate to admit it, but I was absorbed in my job and didn’t pay much attention to the signs that Vicki was going to leave. I should have recognized it; she’d left me one time without explanation back when we were dating. Her immature and selfish behavior surprised me when she came back and laughed about the fact that she ran off with some friends to Vegas without even letting me know. I worried about her all weekend, and she just ignored all my texts and calls.”
I shift on the bed where I’m sitting, trying to get more comfortable. “When Sofie was almost three months old, I came home and a neighbor was watching Sofie. I was shocked and annoyed at Vicki for just leaving our child without letting me know. And it was so much worse.”
The memory still makes me quite angry, so I pause a second or two to calm down. “That was the last time I saw Vicki in person except for today. Two months after she disappeared, her attorney and my attorney worked everything out—Vicki filed for divorce, ending our marriage, and I got full custody of Sofie.”
“That time must have been really hard for you. How did you cope?” The sadness and empathy in Rae’s voice almost do me in.
I groan. “Not very well. I wish I’d known Pastor Tim, because he would have been a good person to turn to. Ellie had just broken up with her long-term boyfriend, so after Vicki left, she came to live with us, and I began living as if my career was the only important thing. I thought if I could make a lot of money, I could make up for having been a bad husband to Vicki . . . I failed her and Sofie.” The honest admission makes me sag in relief.
Rae sniffles. “Noah, you shouldn’t blame yourself. This is your chance to forgive Vicki. Let your past transgressions go. I suggest you talk to Pastor Tim after you talk to your attorney. He can help you open your heart to God for guidance.”
I exhale a loud frustrated breath and make a confession. “Right after I saw Vicki, I asked myself why God would let this happen. Sofie and I are so happy. Why did Vicki come back into our life?” I feel guilty about these thoughts, yet I share them with Rae.
“You’re only human, Noah. Your faith can carry you through this. Think about Vicki’s side of things. If you made a mistake, would you never want to be allowed to see your daughter again?”
I shake my head at Rae’s wisdom and unfailing faith in God’s path for us. How did I get so blessed to have her in my life?
“I’ll call Pastor Tim tomorrow.” Just the mere suggestion makes me feel better.
“I’m praying for you, Noah,” Rae says quietly. “Call me anytime if you need to talk. Even if you wake up at two in the morning and need to talk, I’m here.”
“Thank you, Rae, you’re a wonderful friend.” I want to tell her that I’m falling in love with her, but now is not the time.
As I climb into bed, I say a prayer asking for guidance. God, please help me know what to do and what’s best for Sofie.
Chapter Twenty
Noah
AFTER A RESTLESS NIGHT WITH little to no sleep, I drag myself out of bed, trying to act like everything is normal, for Sofie’s sake. As I watch my little girl cheerfully eat her cereal, my heart almost breaks in two. She chatters to one of her stuffed animals and pretends to feed it. Her blonde curls bob around her shoulders; her happy giggles warm
my heart. She’s precious, beautiful, and the light of my life.
“Daddy, you look sad. Are you having a bad day?” Sofie asks between bites of her favorite breakfast cereal.
I plaster on a fake smile. “No, just thinking about my busy day. We better get you off to school.” She nods.
When I drop Sofie off, Rae is manning the drop-off area today. She waves and mouths, “I’m thinking about you.” I smile and wave back as if I don’t have a care in the world.
Jesper Anderson has been my attorney since Victoria left. He knows my case inside and out. My spirits rise as I drive into the familiar lot and walk into the red brick building. My attorney will know the best course of action, I’m sure.
“Noah, please sit down,” Jesper greets me warmly. He’s a tall thin gentleman, and he’s looked the same ever since I met him.
We shake hands and I sit in the chair he indicates. He sits back down at his massive desk, perches a pair of reading glasses on his nose, and opens a thick folder, glancing down at the contents. My left leg wants to bounce up and down to expel my nervous energy, but I put my hand on it to hold it in check.
“So, your ex-wife wants to reestablish a relationship with your daughter, if I understand it correctly.”
“Yes, she showed up out of the blue yesterday asking to see Sofie.”
Jesper peers at me over his glasses. “As you know, you have full custody of your daughter. But your wife did not sign away her parental rights. At the time, you decided not to push for that,” my attorney says as he reads through papers in the file. “It was an emotional time, Noah. If I remember correctly, you just wanted the whole mess to be over. Once you had custody and the divorce was final, you chose not to take it any further.”
I shift in my seat, remembering the details better. “What visitation rights does she have?” I croak out, my throat clogged with fear.
Jesper removes his reading glasses and looks straight at me. “Noah, I don’t think you want this to go to court. Although you’ve been an outstanding father to Sofie, the court may grant Victoria partial custody. If she can prove she’s changed, has a stable job and living situation, the court will look on that favorably. In my experience, the court tries to reunite parents with their children, whenever possible.”
I lean forward in my chair and pinch the bridge of my nose. “What do you suggest?” I say in a defeated voice.
“Talk to Victoria, get a feel for her situation. See what you can work out with her. It’s fairly easy to change the custody agreement—we would simply petition the court for a modification, adding visitation rights for her, or whatever you agree to. If you or Victoria object to the modification, things get much more legally complicated and we’d have to go to court.”
My chest feels like I’ve been stabbed in the heart. The pain of the reality that I’ve got to let Victoria back into Sofie’s life almost paralyzes me. I want to scream or cry or pound my fist on the desk—but instead I sit here impassive, holding all my emotions in.
“I’m here when you need me, Noah. Go talk to Victoria and then let me know what I need to do.”
Minutes later, I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot. A feeling of despair washes over me, much like how I felt months ago when I lost my job. But unlike in that situation, I have people I can turn to now. Pulling out my cell, I call Pastor Tim. His wise counsel will help me put things into perspective.
“This is Noah,” I say once the pastor answers.
“Noah! How can I help you?” Just hearing his booming voice makes me feel better.
I have to clear my throat twice before I can ask, “Do you have time to talk right now?”
“Yes, I’ll meet you in my office at the church in half an hour,” Pastor Tim replies, concern lacing his voice.
~*~
The pastor’s office is a cramped space with a desk, two guest chairs, and a couple bookshelves filled with books of all shapes and sizes. The Bible lays open on top of the desk, its dog-eared pages revealing how much he uses it. Passages are highlighted in yellow.
Once we’re seated, the pastor steeples his fingers under his chin. “Noah, how can I help?”
His stare is intense yet friendly. He gives off the vibe that he can help solve anything. He’s that rare personality—a combination of charisma, faith, and empathy without coming across as being arrogant or judgmental. He exudes confidence, thus making you feel more confident in the process.
“My ex-wife showed up yesterday and wants visitation rights with Sofie. She hasn’t seen her daughter since Sofie was three months old . . . I’m struggling with what to do.” My voice cracks with emotion.
Pastor Tim leans forward in his chair. “That is difficult.” His sympathetic expression is all the encouragement I need to tell him everything.
I talk for several minutes about how Victoria just up and left. How I petitioned the court and got sole custody. I also tell Pastor Tim about what my attorney said—that I would probably lose if I attempted to fight Victoria on visitation rights. “I want to do what’s best for Sofie,” I say as I shake my head in frustration. “I want to believe that Victoria has changed, but I don’t know if I trust her.”
The minister thoughtfully nods, absorbing everything I told him. “Have you forgiven Victoria for leaving you and Sofie?”
My eyes widen. Have I forgiven her? I was bitter when she left, and even more so during the divorce. But should I deny my daughter getting to know her mother because I can’t forgive?
The pastor picks up his Bible and thumbs to another page. “Ephesians 4:32 tells us ‘Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.’” He looks back up. “My advice, Noah, is to forgive your ex-wife and then ask God to guide you with your decision. Without forgiveness, your mind will be clouded. Forgiveness will free you to see things in a different light.”
I let the pastor’s word sink in. What he’s asking feels impossible, so I feel compelled to explain my part in this mess. “I wasn’t blameless in this, as I mentioned—”
The pastor interrupts, “Then maybe you also need to forgive yourself.”
We talk a little longer, and I start to feel the burden of blame for my failed marriage and the guilt for not helping Victoria when she needed it being lifted from my shoulders. By the time I leave the pastor’s office, I have faith that God will guide me and help me through this.
“Noah, I will pray for you. If you need to talk again, just reach out.”
As I drive away, I thank God that he put Pastor Tim in my life.
~*~
Victoria is already at Sacred Grounds by the time I get there. The irony of the coffeeshop’s name is not lost on me.
“Thank you for meeting me,” she says as I join her at the table carrying my cup of coffee. She grips her cup so tightly that her knuckles are white, giving me a hint that she’s also nervous about this conversation.
“I’d like to work this out amicably. The last thing Sofie needs is her parents fighting over her.”
Vicki nods. “Yes, I agree.”
“Are you planning on moving back to Paradise Springs? How would the visitation work?”
She clears her throat. “I just got a new job in Trinity, and I’m planning on moving in with a girlfriend.” I wonder whether this new job will stick since she bounced around from job to job before we got married.
I raise an eyebrow, not sure I’m comfortable with adding a stranger to the mix. Vicki holds up her hand. “Before you pass judgement, I’m not suggesting overnight visits right now. I’d like to visit Sofie here for a while. Take her to the park or a playground or out to lunch. She and I need to spend some time together, get to know each other.”
Her plan sounds reasonable. It appears that my ex-wife has grown up and matured. “I’d like to be at the first visits. I don’t want Sofie to feel like she’s being left with a stranger.”
“Absolutely. I don’t want to traumatize our daughter.”
We discuss the details
of Victoria meeting Sofie this upcoming Saturday afternoon. Vicki will come to the house. I’ll ask Ellie to be there as well. We can all eat dinner together if everything works out.
When I stand to leave, Vicki says, “Noah, one of my greatest regrets was leaving you and Sofie. I wish I had gotten medical help for how I was feeling. I’m sorry, and I hope you and Sofie can forgive me.”
“I’m working on it,” I grumble, then stride out of the coffeeshop.
~*~
I feel like I’m flying blind. How do you introduce a five-year-old to the mother she hasn’t known since she was three months old? I’ve consulted several books on the topic, read scores of blog posts, and have prayed every night for guidance. Everything I read suggests that I talk to Sofie about her mom and then introduce the idea of meeting her mom prior to the actual meetup.
We’re eating breakfast the next day and I broach the subject. Since Sofie saw the lady on the porch, first I need to be honest about who that was.
“Sofie, you remember how we’ve talked about your mom, right?”
She nods her head as she continues to spoon cereal into her mouth.
Needing more than just a head nod, I try again. “What do you remember?”
“My mom left when I was little. She went to live in a different city.”
When Vicki left, she moved to Denver, so I had explained that to Sofie. “That’s right. How would you feel about meeting her?”
Sofie’s eyes widen, and a beaming smile lights her face. “She wants to meet me?”
Her instant excitement almost breaks my heart. Although I’m reluctant to show any excitement, I force myself to be upbeat. “Yes, very much. The lady on the porch a few days ago is your mom.”
Sofie scrunches up her face, as if she’s trying to conjure up a picture of what her mom looks like. “She’s pretty and has hair like me.”
My heart warms at how smart Sofie is. “Yes, she has blonde hair like you. I talked to her yesterday and she wants to meet you on Saturday, here at the house.”
“Will you be here?” Sofie sounds a little panicked.
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