She was just on her way back downstairs when she heard someone knocking on the door. Knowing that it could only be Daniel, she had a cowardly urge to simply stay where she was and ignore him. But of course he knew she was in here.
When she opened the door, he had his back to it. He turned round quickly and her heart did a complete somersault.
'I'm just going to the farm. I wondered if you wanted to come with me. I could introduce you to Mrs Davies.'
She thought quickly. She could leave for Aberystwyth while he was at the farm, and that way she could avoid any awkward questions he might choose to ask her about her fitness to drive. And if she refused his offer it would surely reinforce the fact that she had no intentions of trespassing into his life now that she had moved out of his cottage.
'No, thanks,' she told him, avoiding looking at him as she saw him start to frown. 'Angelica, I know how you feel about your independence, but--'
'I'm grateful to you for all you've done for me, Daniel,' she interrupted him huskily. 'But I'm fine now and I don't want--'
'Any more interference in your life from me,' he supplied for her. She heard the anger in his voice and bit her lip. She did sound very ungrateful and selfish, but what else could she do? She already knew that he was a man of deep compassion and responsibility, but if he genuinely couldn't see how dangerously emotionally involved with him she was getting, then it had to be up to her to keep the contact between them to a minimum, even if that meant offending him.
Perhaps after all she had been wrong about him guessing how much her passionate response to him last night had revealed. Maybe in the circles in which he moved such passion was common currency and unimportant. And yet she would not have thought it of him. He was a sexually experienced man, but not one whom she would have thought took such relationships lightly.
What could she say? She looked at him and wished she hadn't when she saw the unmistakable glitter of anger in his eyes. He had every right to be annoyed with her. On the surface at least her behaviour was churlish in the extreme. But for both their sakes the last thing he could possibly want was the embarrassment of having her become too dependent on him, of having her fall in love with him.
She felt her heart freeze, all her muscles clenching in protest at what she was thinking. She couldn't do that. She must not do it.
Somehow she managed to say shakily, 'I-I think it best if we live our own separate lives from now on. It's not that I'm not grateful to you for everything you've done, but sometimes-well, sometimes that kind of intimacy can foster-can give rise to-to problems that neither of us would want. Of course if there's any way I can repay you for all that you've done for me .. .'
She could see how much she had angered him, and beneath the anger in the depths of his eyes she could have sworn she saw a momentary stark pain that made her own emotions jolt in aching response. She was imagining it, she told herself ten minutes later as she watched from upstairs while he walked down the track that led to the farm, a solitary and somehow lonely figure, who walked with a limp which somehow seemed to have become slightly more pronounced. His head was bowed slightly as though in defeat, as though her refusal to go with him had actually hurt him.
Don't be a fool, she derided herself. You're looking for things you want to see. If he'd felt anything for you, anything at all, he would have told you so last night. Her heart gave another frightened jolt as she realised how quickly she had gone from the devastating revelation that she wanted far more from him than his clinical concern for another human being, to the actual acknowledgement of how important he had become to her. So important that without him ...
Without him what? Nothing! That was what, she told herself stoutly as she collected her bag and her car keys and picked up her laundry.
Aberystwyth was busier than she had expected. She had trouble finding a launderette, and she discovered shakily that she was by no means as fully recovered as she had believed, and then, on her way back to the car, for no logical reasons that she could think of, she found herself stopping outside a small off-licence dithering about whether or not she could perhaps buy Daniel a bottle of good wine as a token 'thank-you' for all that he had done for her. Perhaps she could even make him a meal. It would after all only be a reciprocal gesture for the meal he had made her last night. Not even the sternest critic could read into such a gesture any hint that she was deliberately trying to foster some kind of intimacy between them. Indeed, one might say that the least she could do to thank him was to offer him some return hospitality. So why was she hesitating, wondering not so much if he might misconstrue her motives, but whether she was being totally honest with herself about them? Was she already weakening from her decision this morning to treat him as nothing more than a casual acquaintance, someone who would soon be gone from her life and on no account someone she could allow herself to become too involved with?
In the end, after much hesitation and because she could see she was attracting attention from inside the shop, she went inside and purchased a bottle of wine.
On the way back to her car, she passed a fishmonger's displaying live lobsters, which made her shudder a little even though she enjoyed their flesh. Seeing the crustaceans clawing angrily in their captivity somehow or other put her off eating them.
Instead she bought some salmon, which she realised almost immediately was a mistake, since her cottage did not possess a fridge, which meant she would have to ask Daniel if she could use his.
She flushed angrily, reflecting that it would serve her right if he did accuse her of deliberately trying to foster an intimacy between them. Surely it was one of the oldest feminine wiles in the book, on a par with begging for his help with some trivial practical task, such as unblocking a blocked sink.
She looked at the salmon and, cursing herself under her breath, grimly returned to her car with her purchases and her laundry, depositing them there before setting out to find somewhere selling domestic appliances.
Eventually she found an appropriate shop, and luckily they had in stock a small fridge-freezer, which she hoped would fit in the back of her car.
Eventually it did, although the shop owner, plainly not used to the immediacy of a city dweller's desires, could not understand why she preferred to take the appliance with her rather than wait a week for him to deliver it, and Angelica had no intention of explaining to him.
The salmon had turned out to be a very expensive purchase indeed, she reflected wrathfully as she set out for her return journey, thankful to see that Daniel did not appear to be about as she parked her car outside the cottage.
It took her almost fifteen minutes to manoeuvre the fridge-freezer into the kitchen and clear a space for it, by which time she was both sticky and out of breath, as well as out of temper. To discover that she had also committed the cardinal sin of forgetting to buy a plug was almost the last straw. How could she, who prided herself on her practicality, have been so stupid? Because she had been thinking not about what she was doing but why she was doing it, that was why. Because in short she had been thinking about Daniel. Because, although she would no doubt attempt to deny it to herself, the entire exercise from start to finish had been nothing more than a bout of stupid self-indulgence, allowing herself to think about Daniel under the guise of behaving in a way that was both logical and necessary. Well, she might have been stupid enough to allow herself that self-deceit, but now it was over. An expensive mistake, she admitted ruefully, staring helplessly at the gleaming white box now dominating the kitchen ... and totally useless.
She would have to go all the way back to Aberystwyth for a plug, something she simply did not have the energy to do right now, which meant-which meant that the most sensible thing she could do was to cook the salmon and then take a portion of it round to Daniel for him to eat on his own. .. Which was what she should have thought of doing in the first place, instead of making elaborate plans to entertain him.
Flushed with exertion and mortification, she was still standing glow
ering at the fridge when Daniel suddenly walked in through the open kitchen door, demanding grittily, 'Where the hell have you been?'
At the sound of his voice, she whirled round, shock widening her eyes, confusion stilling her tongue as she stared at him in open-mouthed astonishment.
He frowned as he saw the fridge and then demanded, 'How did that thing get in here?'
'On its own two feet,' Angelica suggested sarcastically as her shock receded. The last thing she needed now was Daniel here to witness her idiocy, and just to make sure that she stuck by her original decision not to allow any further intimacy between them she added for good measure, 'There's a parcel on the dresser for you. Some salmon I got in Aberystwyth. A small thank-you for all your-your hospitality.'
His look of biting incredulity made her wince. 'Some salmon?'
'And-and a bottle of wine she added defensively. 'So--'
'Some salmon and a bottle of wine ... I take it that I'm intended to enjoy these-gifts on my own.'
His obvious anger was beginning to unnerve her. What on earth had she done? Perhaps she was being a little ungracious, too offhand-the last thing she wanted to do was to make him feel she hadn't appreciated everything he had done for her.
'Well, I had intended to cook it for you,' she heard herself saying, weakening. 'Only .. .' She stopped and gestured helplessly towards the fridge before she could stop herself, tensing as he stepped closer to it to inspect it.
'You carried this thing in here by yourself, I take it.' he asked her with apparent mildness.
Taken off guard, relieved that he hadn't yet noticed that it had no plug, she nodded and was stunned to hear him saying fiercely, 'You little fool. How often do you have to be reminded that you've just been through an extremely debilitating illness? What the hell do you think would have happened if you'd collapsed?'
'I could have damaged the fridge,' she suggested, tongue in cheek. 'I was thinking more of the damage you could have caused yourself,' he cautioned her acidly.
'Well, I didn't collapse, so you needn't worry that you're about to have me back on your hands,' she told him caustically, praying that he wouldn't guess how much she wanted to read far more than he could have intended into his apparent concern.
'And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get this fridge installed and working,' she added for good measure, determined to get him out of her kitchen before the odd weakness she could feel in her legs had her fainting in his arms like a Victorian heroine. 'Fine. Well, I'll put the plug on it for you, shall I? Where is it?'
'I'm perfectly capable of putting on my own plug,' Angelica told him wildly,trying to reject his offer; but he was already frowning as he looked round the kitchen as though searching for something. His frown was giving way to something approaching amusement as he turned back to her and, folding his arms across his chest, said provocatively,
'Really? Well, go on, then.'
Go on, then. If only she could.
'All in my own good time. And now if you'd just like to leave me alone-' 'You haven't got a plug, have you?' he challenged directly.
Angelica gaped at him. Damn him. She might have known he would guess ... but it was only a guess for all he knew the plug could still be in her car. She tilted her chin and eyed him balefully, wondering if she dared risk refuting his claim.
'You forgot to buy the plug, didn't you?'
He was actually laughing at her. How dared he? Anyone could make a mistake-and it was all his fault anyway. If it hadn't been for him, for needing to repay him, she wouldn't even have bought the damn thing in the first place.
'So what if I have? I can go back to Aberystwyth tomorrow and buy one. The only reason I bought it anyway was so that--'
She broke off, biting her lip, as her gaze fell 00trayingly on the parcel of salmon.
He watched her, his own eyes suddenly narrowing speculatively. 'You bought it because of that,' he demanded, looking at the salmon. 'What the hell for, when you know damn well I've got a perfectly adequate fridge next door?'
'I didn't want to be beholden to you,' Angelica told him stiffly.
'Beholden,' he repeated incredulously.
She tensed as he unfolded his arms and came purposefully towards her.
'If I wasn't so damn sure that you're already so weak that you can barely stand, I think I'd shake you until your teeth rattled. Independence is fine, but you're carrying it too far. You could have asked me--'
'Perhaps I could have, but maybe I didn't want to,' she interrupted him dangerously, her emotions fighting with logic and common sense as she ached to give in to the insidious pull he exerted on her senses.
There was a small, telling pause and then he said quietly-too quietly, 'I see. And can I ask why-or shall I guess? This determination to make it clear to me that you no longer want any kind of intimacy between us wouldn't have anything to do with last night, would it?'
He was angry now, really angry. She could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.
'Nothing at all,' she lied as firmly as she could. He was looking right at her, and she forced herself to hold his gaze without wavering as she added with a small shrug, 'Why should it have? It was only a kiss.'
There was a brief, dangerous silence when she couldn't bear to look at him any longer. He ought to be relieved that she was behaving so sensibly, not standing there glowering at her, looking at her as though he would in fact like to take hold of her and shake her as he had threatened.
'Only a kiss, was it?' he said grittily at last. 'Well, as I remember it, it was far more than only a kiss, but since I should hate to contradict a lady I'll have to accept your version of events, won't I?'
He was gone before she could speak, slamming the door behind him with a force that made the window rattle.
She stared after him in astonishment. She had never seen him come close to losing his temper before, and yet after all what had she said, what had she done to provoke such anger? What had he wanted her to say that last night in his arms she had experienced something so close to emotional and physical ecstasy that the memory of it would stay with her for the rest of her life, coming between her and any chance she might have had of finding happiness with another man? Of course not.
She stared at the fridge and found that it was turning from something solid into something insubstantial as a jelly. She was crying, she recognised, crying over a stupid, stubborn man who couldn't see when a woman was doing her best to protect him from the effects of her own foolishness.
He didn't deserve her consideration. He didn't deserve anything at all from her... Coming in here, bullying her, shouting at her, making her cry. Refusing her salmon and her wine, she added wrathfully, seeing them still on the dresser and heaping coals on the fire of her anger. Well, she didn't care. Their quarrel was probably the best thing that could have happened for both their sakes. So why did she feel as. though the sky had suddenly fallen in on her? Why indeed!
CHAPTER SEVEN
INHIS own cottage, Daniel paced restlessly around his kitchen, until the ache in his torn muscles forced him to stop and massage his injured leg.
He oughtn't to have let things get so out of hand. He ought not to have challenged her at all, in fact. He knew her past, how wary she was of emotional commitment. He frowned as he stared out of the window, torn between going back and laying his cards on the table, telling her how he felt about her, and fearing that it was still much too soon; that if he did so, she would reject him out of hand and then firmly shut him out of her life.
If only he weren't committed to going to Cardiff first thing in the morning. .. But this appointment with his specialist had been made months ago when he had first been told that the only way for him to give his body time to recover was either for the specialist to appoint someone to physically restrain him from overworking, or for him to take himself off somewhere where it would be impossible for him to do so.
He had chosen the latter course, and, reluctant though he had been to admit it, the enforced free
dom from stress had had the desired effect. All he needed now was for his specialist to confirm what he already knew in his own mind, that his torn muscles were beginning to heal, just as he knew that his stubborn subconscious was finally beginning to give up its burden of bitterness and guilt. The past was something over which he had no control. He had told himself that for a long time, but it was only over these last few weeks that he had finally come to accept it and find some peace of mind.
Perhaps if he were to talk to Angelica, tell her that he too ... But no. He couldn't lay the burden of his problems on her shoulders, not when she already had so many of her own.
He wished he weren't having to leave her on her own. He had asked them at the farm to keep an eye on the cottages while he was away.
He had other business in Cardiff besides visiting his specialist. Business which would keep him in the city for at least a couple of days.
Odd to think that it was Angelica who had finally enabled him to come to the decision he had been putting off making for all these months, torn between his own needs, and those of his almost overwhelming burden of guilt and responsibility. But now his decision was made.
He was not after all his father, and in his heart he knew that his father would never have wanted him to sacrifice his own emotional needs in order to devote his life to something which had been his father's creation rather than his own. Yes, he was going to be very busy while in Cardiff, but never so busy that Angelica would not be there with him every second of his time, if only in the deepest privacy of his own thoughts.
For almost an hour after Daniel had gone, Angelica could only go slowly and shakily through the motions of living. He had been so angry with her, and yet strangely neither at the time, nor now, when she thought about it, had that anger been threatening or frightening. Rather it had been challenging, invigorating almost-certainly it had aroused within her a reckless responsiveness which she could scarcely recognise as belonging to her own personality.
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