Joss reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. “If there’s anything I can do…”
“No. Thanks. You’ve done enough.”
Joss’s cell phone chimed, its intrusion momentarily exasperating Sarah. They’d had almost no interruptions all week. Friends, family, workplaces had all mercifully left them alone.
“Sorry,” Joss said, retrieving her phone from her pocket to read the text. Her expression stilled, then worry lines deepened around her mouth and between her eyes. “It’s Nancy. She has news on Roxi.”
Sarah’s breath stalled somewhere in her chest. “Yes?”
“They found her a heart.”
“Oh, thank God.” Relief brought tears to the surface. “When?”
“They’ll do the surgery in about six or seven hours.”
The middle of the night, Sarah calculated. The thought occurred to her that Joss might want to scrub in on the surgery. Or that maybe they should both be at the hospital for support. “We should get back there, shouldn’t we?”
An aggregate of emotions rose and fell in Joss’s eyes, so quickly they were hard to read. She nodded once, revealing no sense of disappointment that their trip would be cut short by a couple of days, nor a sense of excitement that the young girl they’d come to adore was about to get a new lease on life. Clearly, Joss was in professional mode, nothing but ice in her veins.
“I’ll call the airline as soon as we get back to shore,” Joss said.
At the cottage an hour later, Joss put her phone down and announced that they wouldn’t be able to return home until the next morning because the only flight to Nashville that night was booked solid.
“We have tonight then,” Sarah whispered, a lump rising in her throat. Things come to an end eventually, good things, bad things, all things. She knew that, yet a finger of panic touched her spine. I don’t want this time to end. And yet it must. It will.
“We have tonight,” Joss echoed, then she turned and disappeared inside the bedroom.
They made love slowly, intensely, as if savoring every moment. For Sarah it was like deeply inhaling the perfume of a rose, softly caressing its satiny petals between patient fingers. She touched Joss’s skin with her lips. Lingered there, then traced slow, circular patterns with her tongue. The smoothness, the unique scent of Joss’s skin filled her, left her aching for more. This woman made her want to give so much—everything—of herself. And yet she couldn’t, because it wasn’t part of the deal. It wasn’t, as Joss had made clear numerous times, something she wanted. She didn’t want Sarah’s heart. Well, tonight, dammit, Sarah was going to make love to this woman with every ounce of everything she had inside herself. She would make love to Joss and hold nothing back.
She stroked the inside of Joss’s thigh, felt the shifting and trembling of her muscles in response. Up, down, then back up her fingers glided and skittered, until she moaned and began to shift her body in anticipation. Fingers tangled gently in Sarah’s hair, not demanding, but not entirely patient either. With the lightness of a feather, Sarah moved her fingers over Joss’s center and watched with breathless pleasure as she moaned again, arched her neck. She was wet. So wet that it gave Sarah a sense of pride that she’d made her that way. Made her that way and would soon undo her.
Gently her fingers explored—caressing, tiptoeing, dancing. She slipped one inside, just to the first knuckle, and Joss gasped and shifted her hips to deepen Sarah’s entry. She slid further in, began to pump rhythmically, and at Joss’s urging, slipped a second finger inside. Joss gasped hard for breath, rocked to the pace with her hips. But Sarah didn’t want her to come this way. Not until her mouth was on her.
“Oh,” Joss groaned as Sarah’s lips grazed her labia, her clit, before planting soft kisses. “Yes. Please, baby.”
Sarah felt her own quiet spasms build as her tongue began to caress Joss. Fast, then slow. Hard, then soft. Then all over again, deliciously driving Joss mad. Her hips pushed against Sarah’s mouth, hotly in pursuit of maximum pleasure. Sarah held nothing back with her fingers and her tongue, stroking, giving, taking, stroking some more, pushing her to the precipice, then pulling her back again. More ambrosial torture, and moments later, Joss’s body began to quake and shudder, her orgasm tearing through her body with terrific force. Her chest heaved, her mouth gulped for air as she continued to rock against Sarah’s mouth until, finally, her orgasm tapered and disappeared.
“Oh, God, Sarah,” she rasped. “That was incredible. You’re incredible.”
Her chest was still heaving as Sarah slid up her body, stopping to kiss her neck, her throat, the underside of her chin, her jaw. When Joss opened her eyes, they were moist and dark, and full of…something that Sarah didn’t want to think about. Probably the sex, she reminded herself and lay down beside Joss.
* * *
Sarah’s nose remained firmly planted in her book on the plane ride back, but the pages rarely changed. She was worried, Joss supposed, about Roxi, even though Nancy had texted her just before they took off that Roxi was out of surgery and doing fine.
It wasn’t until they’d retrieved their bags and were following other travelers to the taxi stand outside that Sarah announced that they needed to talk. Her mouth was set in a grim line, and Joss’s heart sank.
“Can’t it wait? Maybe we can have lunch later or meet for dinner? Or talk at the hospital after we check on Roxi?” Anything to delay the inevitable.
A large overhang kept the rain off them, but Joss almost wished the icy needles were soaking her, along with the spray being kicked up by the taxis speeding away. Being cold and wet would at least explain the shaking that had begun in her knees and was working its way up.
“I don’t think it should wait, Joss.”
Her gut told her what Sarah was going to say—that their little honeymoon was over. Well, that was no news flash. Of course it was over. They couldn’t carry on playing house now that they were home, now that they had other priorities. They’d go back to their little arrangement. It had been working well for them before this after all, though that didn’t mean it couldn’t be improved. Maybe they could tweak it to include spending some time together in the sack every now and again. That part of their week had certainly been a smashing success. Adding a little sex to their arrangement from time to time didn’t have to be a big deal, didn’t have to mean anything.
“Look,” Joss said in a tone that sounded much breezier than she felt. “I understand. We’re both going to be busy with work and things. We might only see each other once or twice a week. I’m good with that, okay?”
Sarah shook her head, her eyes as dull as the December sky. “No, Joss.”
“No what?”
“I can’t…” She dropped her gaze, bit her bottom lip. The look would have been adorable on her were it not so heartbreaking. “We can’t do this anymore.”
Joss swallowed. “Do what?”
“This. Any of this. Us. I don’t want to see you, Joss.”
She tried to wait Sarah out, because maybe in the seconds it took to outline what she meant, she’d change her mind. “What do you mean, you don’t want to see me? You mean we can’t sleep together like we have been this week, right?”
“No. I mean all of it.”
All of it? Seriously? No, she can’t mean it, not like that. “You mean…you m-mean…” Jesus Christ, she needed to get hold of herself. She hadn’t stuttered since the third grade. “You don’t mean our agreement too?”
“Yes, I do. I don’t think we should see each other anymore. At all.”
Forming words was difficult when Joss’s mouth felt like it was filled with poured cement that was beginning to harden. “Why not?” was all she could manage to get out, even though she knew asking why—or trying to convince Sarah to change her mind—was pointless.
“Because I can’t do it anymore. It…” Sarah shook her head faintly. “It hurts too much. And I need to save myself.”
“Save yourself from what? From me?” What the hell have
I done wrong?
“From me,” Sarah said quietly. “I care too much for you, Joss. I care enough that all this pretending makes me realize…” She took a deep steadying breath, never taking her eyes off Joss. “Makes me realize what I’m really missing.”
So, Joss thought. There it is. Sarah is a braver woman than I am. She was making it clear she would no longer fool herself that they could keep playing their little game—appearing at functions as a couple, then going their separate ways afterward with a few stolen kisses, a few forbidden touches, maybe sex a couple of times a month if she really wanted to hope for more. A lot had happened this week. Too much for Sarah, obviously. And she couldn’t blame it all on the sex. It wasn’t the sex complicating things. It was their deepening intimacy. Their hearts understood that what was happening between them was far more than physical. They had begun to need each other and to enjoy one another far more than they should have. She’d rolled the dice in thinking they could have a week to enjoy themselves without promises, without rules, without expectations. And now she’d lost.
“All right,” she answered. What else could she say? It wasn’t all right, but she had to trust that putting some distance between them was what Sarah needed. For a while, at least, because she refused to believe Sarah was suggesting a permanent separation.
For a long moment Sarah looked at her as if she was waiting for something else, something more. Then she pivoted toward a waiting cab. “I’ll be checking on Roxi today. I’ll probably see you there.”
Sarah didn’t look at Joss as the cab pulled away from the stand, didn’t see her still standing on the curb, too numb to move.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Sarah didn’t want to see Joss again today, but the overriding need to check on Roxi, to at least be there, even if she wasn’t allowed in to see the kid, had her at the hospital a few hours later.
She sat in the pediatric ICU waiting room, drinking the stale coffee, waiting for someone, anyone, to give her an update. The nursing staff had been reluctant to say much given that Sarah wasn’t family. It gave her unwelcome time to stew about Joss, to relive their “breakup” and the wisdom of her decision to end things. Already, being without her made her feel like she was missing a limb. They’d spent every minute together for four nights and five days, talking, reading, walking, riding bicycles around the island, swimming and, of course, making love. With an ache she couldn’t soothe, she remembered how easy it had been being with Joss, how complete she made her feel. They answered things in one another, matched things too so that there was a natural balance most times. Sure, they sometimes pushed each other into painful emotional territory, but only because they wanted to reach a deeper level of understanding. And they innately wanted to press one another to be better, to be happier, to be fuller human beings.
Sarah would have been willing to give things a try, to see where they could go as a real couple. But Joss… Joss had made it clear that was a dead end, and Sarah simply didn’t want to waste any more time on an avenue that held no hope. What she wanted, she realized now more strongly than ever before, was a mate in every sense of the word. Joss had, unknowingly, implanted that desire in her by making it so easy, so comfortable, to be with her. Joss had given her a glimpse of what a life together could be like, and now that she’d had a taste of it, she couldn’t go back.
“Sarah.” It was Nancy, wearing a crisp white lab coat and a friendly smile. She plopped down in the seat next to Sarah’s. “How are you? I’m sorry your vacation was cut short.”
“I’m okay, thanks, and don’t be sorry. Roxi’s new heart is the best reason ever to cut short a vacation. How is she?”
“She’s doing very well. Would you like to see her?”
Sarah grinned. “You’ll sneak me in?”
“Of course. Come on. You can meet her mom too.” Nancy rose, straightened her lab coat. “Father’s not in the picture, just mom and Roxi.”
“God, that must be so hard on them both, especially right now.”
Nancy nodded and pushed open the door.
Roxi looked so tiny in the adult-sized bed. Tubes ran in and out of her like the ramps leading to an expressway. Beeps and hisses indicated she was breathing normally, although she was asleep. Already, her color looked better and her skin healthier than it’d looked before the new heart.
“Hi,” Sarah said, extending a hand to the slender, close-cropped woman sitting in a corner chair. “I’m Sarah Young.”
The woman rose and shook Sarah’s hand. “Oh, yes, her art teacher. Roxi can’t stop talking about you. I’m Vanessa Stanton. I’m real glad to meet you.”
“The pleasure’s mine. How is she doing?”
“She’s doing great.” The woman’s chin trembled, and she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “It’s a miracle, what’s happened. Very much longer and it would have been too late for my little girl.”
Sarah squeezed her hand. “It was meant to be. I’m so happy it’s worked out.”
“Thank you. And thank you so much for all you’ve done for Roxi. You sure brightened her days. And I know she will be anxious to get back to her art lessons with you as soon as she’s feeling better.”
“I would love that and I look forward to it.”
A faint rustling at the door attracted their attention. It was Joss, dressed in scrubs and an uncharacteristically rumpled lab coat. The collar stuck up at an odd angle, as did her hair, making her look shockingly untidy. She shouldn’t even be working today, since she was still technically on holiday. But then again, thinking Joss would actually take a full week’s vacation was probably crazy.
“Dr. McNab,” Vanessa said. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“I hear our patient is doing well.”
“She’s doing real well.” Vanessa smiled through her tears. “Thanks to all of you and the wonderful staff here.”
Joss barely looked at Sarah, but the same couldn’t be said of Nancy. Nancy studied the two of them like they were part of a science exhibit. A wave of heat overtook Sarah suddenly, making her feel almost claustrophobic. Her breathing turned shallow, and it occurred to her that she might be having a mild anxiety attack, something she’d experienced a couple of times in college before big art exhibits.
“If you’ll excuse me,” Sarah said, turning to Vanessa. Spots were beginning to appear in her field of vision. “I’ll stop in again real soon if that’s okay.”
“It’s more than okay. Please visit often.”
“I will.”
She rushed out the door. She felt grief at the death of what they’d become together on Sanibel, pain at Joss’s acceptance of that death and anger at her for not wanting what she wanted. She hated that Joss would barely look at her. Hated that they had nothing to say to one another. Putting an end to their arrangement was the right thing to do, but it left a bigger hole in her heart than she’d expected.
* * *
“What are you doing in scrubs? You’re still on vacation for a couple more days,” Nancy scolded Joss. She was very familiar with the rarity of her friend taking time off. And while, like most young surgeons, Nancy didn’t take a lot of holidays herself, she took more than Joss. Her wife Jayme saw to that.
“I spilled coffee on my shirt when I came in and had to change.”
Nancy steered her down the hall toward the cardiac surgeons’ lounge on the fifth floor. “Well, you look like crap when you should be looking relaxed and…” She lowered her voice, “oversexed. Let’s grab a cup of coffee.”
Moments later, warm mugs in their hands, the women claimed two La-Z-Boy chairs in an unoccupied corner where tall glass windows overlooked the hospital grounds and the campus beyond. Joss had fallen asleep in these same chairs on more than one occasion after a long day—or night—in the OR.
“Crap, I forgot to ask you how Jayme’s aunt is doing,” Joss said.
Nancy chuckled. “Miraculous recovery. On death’s door a few days ago, now she’s talking about busting out of long-term c
are and moving back to her house.”
“Glad to hear it, although I’m sorry it kept you two from going on vacation.”
“Never mind that, plus I’m glad I was here for Roxi. It was more important that you go away. Except I’m getting the distinct impression that things suddenly aren’t turning out so well in the Sarah department.” Nancy’s eyebrows shot up over the rim of her cup. “So, what happened, champ?”
“What makes you think something happened? And I don’t look like crap, by the way. Well, all right, maybe a little.”
Joss knew she had only precious seconds before Nancy got her to confess all. When it came down to it, her mother and Nancy were the only people—well, besides Sarah—that could get Joss to confide in them. The fact that intimacy had come so quickly and so easily with Sarah continued to be a source of astonishment. One look from Sarah seemed enough to cut through years, layers, of walls she’d built up around herself.
“To be perfectly honest, you look like you’ve just lost a patient. Which I know is impossible since you’ve just come back. So what gives with you and Sarah? I thought you two were having a fabulous time down there?”
“We were.”
“And then you weren’t?”
“Something like that.” Joss gazed out at the cold rain falling in tiny droplets. It was more like a drizzle and matched her mood perfectly. “It was good, Nance. Better than good.” She thought about the long walks on the beach that were sometimes full of chatter, other times comfortably quiet. There’d been snuggling on the couch, laughter over glasses of wine, make-out sessions in the pool and then of course the lovemaking sessions that had left Joss desperately wanting more. When she closed her eyes, she could still feel Sarah’s fingers, Sarah’s mouth, on her. She wished she could slow things down, time-travel enough to revisit their time together, to make it somehow last a little longer.
“What happened? Was it my interrupting you with news of Roxi’s surgery?”
By Mutual Consent Page 18