“Take care of it. . . . ,” I repeated.
“I’ll get a pack member to guard you. I can ask Katie if you want her. Or Julian.”
I looked away, gasping with the pain of those words. It was like being consumed by fire from the inside out. I wouldn’t have been surprised if my fingers started turning black and cracking off. My mind was screaming, Tell him you want him. Tell him!
But my mouth didn’t listen.
“That will be fine,” I said, emotionless. “Thank you.”
Lucas just nodded, his expression growing softer the longer he looked at me until finally, I saw the yearning I felt reflected in him. “You’re hurt,” he said softly, touching his fingers lightly to the place where I’d hit my head.
I should have told him about Melissa, but I couldn’t stand being around him a second longer. Besides, he had to smell her on me, and he obviously didn’t care enough about it to “take care” of it himself. I had to get out of there, start healing myself all over again.
I swallowed hard and took a step back, turning slowly so I wouldn’t go nuts and start running away from him the way I’d done every day for the past two months. I blinked and he was gone. There was only the long hallway that led to the stairs, and surrounding the edges of my vision, scalding yellow flames. I took two steps away from him. Smoke clouded my lungs, making my eyes tear up. It was so hard to breathe. I could think only of collapsing like the building he’d painted those many months ago. My life was on fire now, all right, but I was trapped inside one of the windowpanes, unable to escape while the fire licked my skin into oblivion.
You can do this. Just walk away. Walk away and let him go.
The thought was enough to make tears spill down my cheeks and threaten to bring me to my knees.
Then Lucas’s voice came from behind me, low and hoarse as though parched.
“Faith.”
For a moment, I wasn’t sure I’d I heard it. Was I hallucinating? Was I that desperate?
I stopped walking and I heard it again, softer this time, and pleading with me . . . begging me to stay.
I spun around and ran to him, unable to stay away a second longer. He gathered me in his strong arms and held me, murmuring my name over and over as he pulled me so close I thought I would sink into him completely. I cried freely as I ran my hands down his back, his sides, over his shoulders, his neck ... everywhere. Was this a dream? Could this really be happening? I held his face between my hands, halfway believing I was asleep and at any moment, I would awake to find my hands empty. Unable to even conceive of the thought, I rose up onto my tiptoes and smoothed my cheek against his, reveling in the mix of stubble and soft skin for as long as I could. If this was all I had—this one blissful dream—I wasn’t going to waste it.
He turned his head, murmuring something I couldn’t understand, and our lips touched.
Immediately, the flames died. My body calmed for the briefest of moments, soothing everything, down to my soul. And then it erupted again, but with a different kind of heat. It was an all-consuming fire and it rippled through my veins like crackling fireworks, making me absolutely crazy. I started to pull back, panting, but Lucas only clutched me closer with a warning growl as if daring me to try it again.
As if I ever would.
He kissed me hard, snatching me around the waist as he pulled me into his room and slammed my back against the door. His hands were everywhere, searching me up and down as I had, as if unable to believe I was real. His mouth was crushing on top of mine, and I loved it. I crushed him right back and yanked his T-shirt over his head so I could dig my nails into the perfect, caramel skin on his back. I smiled at his hiss of pain. He reciprocated with a sharp nibble on my lower lip and then a smile of his own when I gasped into his mouth.
Everything was Lucas. Everything was hot, burning me, melting away all thoughts of caution or control. Everything was about wanting him, needing him. All of him.
“Lucas,” I said through his lips.
He just moaned, shaking his head against my interruption.
“Don’t stop,” I breathed. “Please, don’t stop.”
He paused, panting. His sweet breath inoculated me, taking me to a new level of abandon as his eyes searched mine. I saw doubt pass through them, concern. And then they began to smolder; they strayed to my lips and scorched them. I lurched forward to kiss him as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He didn’t say a word. He hefted me up and lowered me to the floor, not even thinking to bother with the bed. My jeans came off, then his. He tugged my shirt off and then undid my bra as I fumbled around with his boxers.
He chuckled in my ear and paused to pull them down himself. Any other time, his amusement might have bugged me, but I couldn’t have cared less.
All I cared about was his lips on mine, his body moving over me, and his voice saying my name, telling me he loved me. All that mattered was Lucas and me, loving each other for as long as we could.
Much later, we lay together on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and grinning like a couple of idiots.
Lucas turned his head to mine and said, “Wow. . . .”
I laughed. “That’s an understatement if I ever heard one.”
He snuggled closer, burying his face into my hair and inhaling deeply. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he whispered in my ear.
I shook my head. “You were surprisingly gentle ... after the first time.”
Lucas groaned, half laughing as though embarrassed. “It’s been a while,” he admitted.
“But you didn’t change,” I said, awed.
“Because of you. You kept me in control.” He nuzzled his nose into my throat and made my body tremble with aftershocks.
“I wasn’t sure I could do it,” I admitted. “Since I was so, you know ... distracted.”
Lucas laughed softly as he rested his head on my chest. “It was perfect.”
I smiled and said, “I know.” I hesitated before saying what I wanted to say next, not wanting to bring it up and ruin the moment. But it was bursting out of me. “I’ve missed you,” I whispered finally. Lucas pressed his lips against my skin, his brows drooping into a frown. “I felt dead without you,” I said. “Like a shell ... like I was burning.” I felt a sob try and choke off my words, but I repressed it. I had to get this out. “I’m so sorry. I was so wrong. About Derek, about what he is. You were right to be jealous. I would have been.”
Lucas rose onto his elbows and looked down at me. His eyes were sweet, warm, and seeping into my soul like they’d never left at all.
“I was a jerk,” he said. “I was selfish. I wanted all of you. But I can see now that Derek has a place in your heart that I can’t ever be a part of.” I started to protest but he put his fingers on my lips. “It’s okay. I know now that the part Derek has is only friendship and that you’ve been so crazy over him because you feel guilty. You probably don’t want to hear this, but I think you gotta tell him that you’re the one who made me bite him. You gotta ease your guilt and start living your life again.”
I nodded as tears trailed across my cheeks. Lucas wiped them away with his thumbs.
“You’re right,” I said. “I never should have made you bite him in the first place. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”
Lucas shushed me. “You made that choice out of love, out of compassion for your friend. Just because it didn’t turn out exactly like you’d hoped, doesn’t mean it was a mistake.”
“Yes, it does,” I sniffled. “I should have just left him to be a vampire. Then at least he’d have a place in the world.”
“Faith, if you’d let Derek become a vampire, he’d be fully dead inside. No soul left, none of his personality. Now, because of you, he’s still himself. Now, he can make a choice—something none of us ever get the chance to do—about whether he wants to be like the vampires or not.”
I sniffled again as Lucas went on, stroking the tears away with his fingertips. “A bad thing happened to Derek. He got bitten by Vincent becau
se he was trying to help the girl he loved.” He placed a soft kiss on my cheek. “But what happens after that—the choice he makes now—that’s got nothing to do with you. Just because you’re plagued with a curse, doesn’t mean you get a license to be a monster.”
Deep down, I knew he was right. I wasn’t sure if I could let Derek go, but I had to try. I couldn’t keep trying to control everything. Because there was very little of life that could be controlled. Not my power, not my friends or the choices they made, and not my relationship with Lucas. I couldn’t control the horrible things going on around me, and sometimes I couldn’t even help stop them—but I could learn to deal with them like an adult instead of throwing a hissy fit and acting out. “He’s hanging out with the vampires again,” I said. “I don’t know when he’ll be back or even if he’ll be back. I might not ever get the chance to talk to him. I totally failed. He’s one of them now.” I buried my face in his chest. “What are we going to do? The uprising is happening and now they have Derek.”
“Hey,” he said, shushing me. “Look, maybe it’s not too late. He’s upset, but maybe not irreparably. Do you want to go upstairs and see if he’s there?”
I recoiled at the thought of leaving the floor, of leaving Lucas’s arms when I’d waited so long to return to them.
I let my hand slide down Lucas’s flat stomach, and I flashed him a mischievous smile.
“Maybe later,” I said.
Lucas’s eyes smoldered as he caught where I was going, but then his brows knitted together and he said, “I didn’t mean it, you know.”
I turned my head to the side, confused.
“What I said that night. About not wanting to be with you. You gotta know it was all a lie. I love you. Being with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The trigger thing is manageable, especially now that you’re learning to control your power. And it’s fading for whatever reason. Maybe one day it’ll be gone. Even if it’s not, I don’t care. I just want you. For as long as I’m allowed. One lifetime or a thousand. I want you.”
I wanted to believe him so badly, but something stopped me. No relationship can last an eternity. . . . I didn’t need eternity, but I did need a future with Lucas. If he could leave me so easily once, he could do it again. And as much as I loved him, I had more self-respect than to let someone treat me like that.
“But what about what you said before?” I asked. “You told me that no relationship was strong enough to last eternity. And I know you’re probably right, but—I love you. And I want you forever. And I know that it’ll never happen because I don’t want to be a werewolf. But I at least want you for my future. The fact that you could just leave me again any time you want ... I can’t handle that, Lucas. I won’t let you do that to me again.”
Lucas grabbed my arms. “Forget everything I said before I fell in love with you. I don’t even know who that person is, cuz that sure as hell isn’t me anymore. Sure, before you, I believed love couldn’t last. But now there’s nothing else on earth I want more than being able to love you forever.”
He pulled me to him, enveloping me in warmth. “I’m sorry we can’t have it,” he whispered. “I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “That night in Gould . . . well, I was eavesdropping a little bit and I heard what Yvette said about picturing my life after you died. I’m not saying I want to be away from you for a month, but I did picture it. And a life without you—it’s not a life at all. It’s just existence.”
“I can’t do that to you,” I said, pulling back. “I’ll . . .”
“What?” he took my cheek with the smallest smile. “Let me change you? I don’t want that for you. I’ll sacrifice my eternity for yours.” He rubbed his thumb across my cheek. “Because I love you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, choking.
“I’ll be fine,” he said dismissively as he took up my hands. “You and me will go live alone in a beautiful house in the woods where nobody will bother us. Maybe have some kids, you can do your photography, I can ... well, I can do whatever I want.” He smiled and swept his palm across my cheek.
“Kids?” I croaked.
“Maybe one day. I’ve always wanted a couple. And that way I’ll have a piece of you to love after you’re gone.”
I felt a twist of sadness at that, but smiled for him.
“After we deal with the vampires,” Lucas said. “Our life will be perfect. Because we’ll have each other. And if anybody tries to tell us otherwise, I’ll set ’em straight. You forget, babe, I’m a werewolf. Nobody messes with me and mine.”
I puffed a joyless laugh. “Oh right. And when I’m eighty, I’ll try not to be jealous of your next, young sexy girlfriend.”
Lucas’s vibe was all exasperation. “There won’t be any girls after you, my match. You’re it for me.”
Lucas wrapped me in his arms again and touched his lips to mine with such fragility it made me cry. Or maybe it was because of everything he’d said. I no longer doubted the depths of Lucas’s love for me. It was bittersweet, though, because our love had to end someday—not because he would ever leave me again. No, I knew he’d stay with me for good this time. But death, inevitably, would be the end of our love. I kissed Lucas harder, overwhelmed by the odd surge of grief and love swirling through me.
He rolled over with me, and we were quickly lost in each other again. We slipped below the surface of life to a place where it was just Lucas and I, our bodies melded together, swirled into each other, riding that moment of ecstasy together.
When we would resurface, I could never know.
27
GOOD-BYE
I watched Lucas fall asleep. My eyes begged me to do the same, but my mind was still buzzing. I needed to talk to Derek. I’d told Lucas that I would try to convince him to leave the vampires again, but I knew there was only one way he’d consider that: if he had me. And I couldn’t bear to lose Lucas again no matter what the cost. Which meant I had to say good-bye to Derek.
I sat up, dragging Lucas’s leaden arms off of me and got dressed. I grabbed my phone and placed the silver necklace I kept in my sweater pocket around my neck. Stepping over Lucas’s legs, I went outside to the bottom floor of the building where I was pretty sure he wouldn’t hear me if he woke up.
I took a long, steadying breath and called Derek.
He answered on the first ring.
“It’s me,” I said. “I have to talk to you. Meet me on the football field if you still want to say good-bye.” I hung up before he could answer, too scared that he would blow me off.
I forced myself to go outside. It was unlikely that Melissa would try to get me again tonight with dawn approaching, and as for the wolf ... I wasn’t entirely sure that it meant me harm anymore.
I walked along the winding campus sidewalks, shivering in the night air. I took my time getting to the field, planning out everything I wanted to say.
When I reached the stadium, I saw that one of the gates had been left ajar. I crept through the gate and walked the long dimly lit hall to the field. The stadium glowed beneath the moonlight. Almost out of habit, I looked up at the pale white moon, noting its fullness. It was getting close again.
A lonely black figure stood in the center of the field. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his charcoal blazer; his head was lowered, almost like he was afraid to look up.
I stopped before Derek, and he finally met my gaze. Neither of us said a word for a long while, we only looked at each other.
“You were with him,” he said finally. “I can smell him on you.”
I struggled to keep my voice level. “We’re together again.”
His nostrils flared, and he looked away, curling his lip. Finally, he looked around again. “Guess I saw that coming.” His vibe was a tangle of defeat and misery, but something else danced at the edges—urgency. “I knew I was taking a chance by hanging out with the vampires again, but I never thought you’d go back to him after he left you like that.
”
“He didn’t leave me,” I said firmly. “I left him. I chose you, remember? I chose to help you, and you took advantage of me. Lucas was right. You’re relentless. And it would be sweet, except that you’ve crossed the line.”
Derek’s face crumpled into a frown.
“Derek, you know I don’t love you romantically anymore. You’ve always known it. You have to learn to accept it now.” I took a deep breath, bracing myself to hurt him. Again. “I choose Lucas. I have to be with him; he’s my blood. He’s my life.”
Derek began shaking his head. “If you only knew,” he murmured. “If you only knew what I’d done for you. To keep you safe.”
I drew back. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s so ironic. All he’s ever done is put you in danger, and all I’ve ever done is try to rescue you from it, and you choose him. It’s just ... so ironic.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “You bit me. You took me on that trip—”
“The trip you asked to go on!”
I shook myself, throwing away my fury in a heavy sigh. “Whatever. That’s not the point.”
Derek stepped closer, expression pleading now. “I never wanted to say good-bye, Faith. That was never why I asked Katie to talk to you. I needed to tell you something, and I knew you wouldn’t meet me if I just asked you.”
Realization of what he was attempting to do slammed into me. Even now—even after betraying my trust and returning to the monsters who’d killed Heather and countless others—he had the audacity to try and turn this around on me. I smiled bitterly. “You tried to trick me out here so that you could apologize, right? To try and make me the bad guy again, so you can go on feeling like the victim because I won’t forgive you for going back to them.”
“What? No, I needed to—”
“Stop it, Derek. Stop trying to manipulate me. God, Lucas was so right! I am so incredibly blinded by guilt. Here I was thinking you were just trying to be my friend—really trying—when as soon as Lucas was out of the picture, there you were, moving in on me when I was ill-equipped to defend myself.”
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