“I couldn’t see.”
Connor’s mouth was open, like he was screaming, but no sound came out.
“Couldn’t hear.”
Matty stumbled, reaching through the sand for something to hold onto and push himself up. Rocks dug into his skin.
“The dark, silent fog surrounded me. I wondered if it would ever clear. When it did, the world had turned inside out.”
In shock, he gazed around. So much destruction. Dust and debris rained down. Shouts from his team called from behind him.
“It was like…” The blood drained from his face, as it had on that day. “It was like I woke up in an apocalypse.
“I called for Gunther. The hollow feeling inside spread. Still, I called again, refusing to believe it. He didn’t respond. He couldn’t.” Matty’s voice sounded strangled. “He was gone.”
Jenna sobbed. He pulled himself out of the haze. Tears streamed down her face. “That sounds horrific, Matty. I’m so sorry for all your pain.” She reached one arm around him, running her hand down his back. “It sounds like you loved Gunther with all your heart.”
Matty’s shoulders shook. She was right. “So fucking much.”
He gulped oxygen before continuing. “Many people think of a trained dog as just doing a job. Gunther was so much more than that to me. He wasn’t just my best friend, he was my teammate who slept by my side, guarding me, protecting all of us. He would die for us. And—” His voice clipped. “And, he did.”
“Oh, Matty.” She continued to touch him, his shoulder, his bicep, as if her touch could take away his pain. One part of him thought she might.
He took another deep breath and blew it out with a slow exhale. Now that he’d started talking, he just wanted to get the story out as fast as possible.
“I—I was so distraught over Gunther, I-I didn’t feel the pain in my leg. It was a quiet throbbing at first. Then the intensity turned up like the wound was attached to an amplifier. Pain so sharp and blinding, I almost blacked out. But I couldn’t. I had teammates counting on me. I breathed through it, forcing the courage to look and see if I could stand. No such luck. When I saw my leg torn up, I passed out.”
She wiped away tears as if trying to be brave for him. “Oh how awful.”
His heart boomed with appreciation and respect as she pressed closer to his side, supporting him. “What you went through. I’m so grateful you came home to us. So much.”
“But, Gunther isn’t, and he should be.” He faced Jenna and searched her glistening blue eyes, the most beautiful and caring ones he had ever seen. “You would have loved him, Jenna. He was amazing. So alert. So loyal.”
She smiled through the tears. “Tell me about him.”
He pictured Gunther’s inquisitive brown eyes. Always alert and eager for a reward. Through the sadness, Matty smiled. “He had such a lively personality and loved to play. Never seemed to tire from training. I’d never met a dog so determined and loyal.” He rubbed his beard. “He died to protect us.” Matty dropped his head into his hands. “How could I ever forget that?”
“You won’t. He’ll always be with you in here.” She touched his chest.
The way she listened and didn’t judge encouraged him to reveal more, those deep secrets in a place so bleak.
“At times I wonder if I’m even here,” Matty questioned. “If I’m still in the desert with Gunther. That the day will never truly end for me.”
“Matty.” She released a compassionate sigh. “Is there anything I can do?”
“You already are.” He pulled his head out of his hands and turned to her. He opened his arms and she folded into him. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed in her rose scent.
They curled up together on the sofa and she pressed her cheek to his. He lost track of time as he held her, not fighting the grief any longer. Sobs that he’d buried wracked his body. He’d never let anyone else see him like this—not even his brothers or his teammates—but it felt safe to do so with Jenna.
When he felt lighter, he pulled himself up. Although he felt drained, that heavy tension that had imprisoned him lessened—as if she’d pulled on an anchor weighing him down.
Her eyes were as red and raw as his must be. “I’m sorry I upset you.”
He wiped the glistening tears from her cheek. His or hers? Probably both mixed together.
“Don’t be.” How could she feel badly about this? “I feel better. I guess I needed to talk to someone about that.” He exhaled and ran a hand over his forehead. “But I shouldn’t have dropped that all on you when you were already feeling so much.”
“All I care about now is you.” She forced a smile despite her sad eyes. “Have you talked to anyone about this before?”
He pursed his lips. “They tried to get me to talk during treatment. I gave them what I could, which wasn’t much. It was too raw. I was too numb. Every word sounded detached, like a stranger was speaking.”
She ran a finger along his temple. “I’m glad you told me. You can tell me anything.” Her hand settled on his cheek. “Always.”
He searched her earnest eyes. “I know.”
Jenna was there. Right there. His pulse raced. He’d been struggling to deny his feelings for too long, but he didn’t have any fight left in him.
He touched her face, as soft and gentle as the rest of her. His heartbeat thundered in his ears.
Her mouth was right there. Pink pouty lips that he’d never forget. So tempting.
All he had to do was lean forward to taste them again.
He moved toward her as if going in slow motion. Everything surrounding them disappeared. No one else mattered. It was just him and her, and that was the way it should be. It made everything all right.
And then his lips brushed hers.
Chapter 15
Jenna
After all her yearning for Matty, nothing had ever felt so right. The moment his lips touched hers, Jenna melted from the inside out. Her heart swelled, this moment instantly etched into her memory. She wrapped her arms around him, not wanting to ever let him go.
All the emotions that had been in turmoil inside her as she ached for Matty’s loss came to the forefront. She’d do anything to take away his pain.
He leaned her back onto the sofa and deepened the kiss, pressing his body against hers. Even just the weight of his hard body stoked a delicious satisfaction that made her shudder.
She ran her hands over the muscles in his shoulder blades down to his waist, tracing every dip and curve to memory. She needed more. No more barriers between them, she had to touch his skin. She reached beneath the bottom of his shirt. When she touched the heat of his flesh, she sighed against his mouth.
He ran one hand down the side of her body with a light touch, skirting her breast. As he intensified the kiss, he touched her with more possessiveness as if demanding she submit. Heat engulfed her with a sudden, savage lust. She wanted him. Needed him.
When he adjusted his position, his erection pressed against her inner thigh, spreading tingles between her legs.
He tore his mouth from her lips and kissed down her neck. He caressed her breasts as he moved down, down…
“Matty,” she murmured and ran one hand through his soft hair.
He pulled away from her abruptly and sat up. What? Why? She suppressed crying out in protest.
“Jenna, we can’t do this.” Conflict warred in his eyes. He lowered his head into his hands. “I’m sorry.”
Her body felt cold and betrayed by the sudden loss. “Why not?” Her breath still came hard and heavy.
“Derek.”
She exhaled with a heavy sigh. “Derek doesn’t have a say in this.”
“He’s my friend.”
She rubbed between her brows. “And he’s my brother.”
“Exactly.” Matty scooted a few more inches away from her. “And specifically told me not to do this.” He motioned in between them.
“He has no right to interfere in what we do.” Her volume r
ose, and she struggled to keep her voice level. “We’re both adults, Matty.”
He stiffened. “He asked me to watch out for his sister—not to hook up with her.”
Jenna pursed her lips. Frustration coursed throughout her body like sludge followed by disbelief engulfing her like a cold front. Just when Matty had let down his guard in front of her. She ran her hands through her hair. “I can’t believe this.”
“I promised I wouldn’t do this and keeping my word means a lot to me, Jenna.” The struggle between desire and doing the right thing was clear in Matty’s pained expression.
Jenna brought her hands together and raised them to her lips as she struggled to find some sort of sense in his logic. She rubbed her temples and then dropped her hands to her sides. “I don’t even know what to say.”
He stood and glanced at her from haunted eyes. “I shouldn’t have let my guard down. Talking about Gunther…” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have gone there.”
Those words ripped her. The one thing she could keep from this night was that Matty had trusted her enough to confide in her. “I’m glad you did. It’s something you needed to talk about.”
He gazed off at some unfixed spot. Had he even heard her? She’d never seen such torment on his face. A teasing grin, yes. A devilish glimmer in his eyes as if amused by a private joke, often. But this anguish? No.
“I need to get some air.” He rushed to the front door in a few steps.
Her ribs tightened. He was retreating from intense emotions she couldn’t begin to understand. Yet, she wanted to be there for him. “Can I come with you?”
“I need to be alone.” He walked to the door in a few large steps and raised his hand to the lock, but then hesitated.
Her heartbeat quickened. Would he turn around and come back to her?
“I’m sorry.” He unlocked the door, walked outside, and closed it behind him, without turning back.
* * *
Jenna had spent the night tossing and turning as everything that had happened with Matty churned in her brain. At two in the morning, she woke and stepped into the living room. He wasn’t there. She checked her phone.
Staying at my parents’ tonight.
She sighed. All she wanted was for him to return, to hold him again. They’d found comfort in each other’s arms—and so much more.
At eight, she toasted a bagel while coffee brewed. She received a text from Matty.
Sorry about last night.
About what specifically? Confiding in her? Kissing her? Running out? She couldn’t grill him about all that over text. They could talk later. The most important thing was that he was all right.
Are you okay, Matty?
Yeah. Kicking myself with regret.
Regret? His words hit her like a boulder, and she closed her eyes. More questions arose over what he meant specifically.
There’s nothing to regret.
Don’t worry, I won’t do it again.
Shit, that’s what she was afraid of. He’d confided in her once and shut down. She had a taste—one forbidden kiss—and that’s all she’d have.
While she was trying to formulate a response, he added, Hope we can just forget about it. It was just a kiss.
Another boulder seemed to knock her off her feet, sending her sinking into the ocean. Her heartbeat quickened with a weary pang. Maybe that kiss had meant nothing to Matty, but it had meant something to her.
What was wrong with her? Was she still some awkward girl pining after her big brother’s best friend—something that would never happen? She had to grow up.
Sure.
The lie coming out of her fingertip made her recoil. How could the word look so nonchalant on the screen when everything inside her body felt twisted into knots?
Matty had only been staying with her out of some warrior obligation. He didn’t feel the same way about her.
And he never would.
Matty
Matty cleared out the shed in his parent’s back yard. He needed things to keep him busy—anything to distract him about what had happened last night. What the fuck was wrong with him? Letting his guard down had repercussions, specifically with sticking his tongue down Jenna’s throat.
Bad move. Now he couldn’t get the taste of her out of his head.
He grabbed the trunk of an oak tree and resisted the urge to smack his head against it and pound some sense into his skull.
You promised Derek you wouldn’t sleep with Jenna. Doesn’t your word mean anything?
Losing his honor would destroy him. He’d been a SEAL for too long to abandon that code.
Technically, he hadn’t slept with her. They’d only kissed and touched, and hell, it had been agonizing to stop.
What he had to do was stay away from her until he got his shit together. He’d spent the last several hours questioning everything. Maybe he was more fucked up than he realized, and had blown this whole scenario with her ex out of proportion. The original plan had been to pose as her boyfriend for a little while. But he had insisted her ex was dangerous. He had insisted that he act more like a bodyguard escorting her to work and shit. He was the one who had insisted he move in with her.
Could he even trust his judgment? Or was he too damaged by all that had happened, and he had fabricated this idea of her being in danger, part of his difficulty adjusting back to civilian life? After all, he’d looked at it as a mission. Was he imagining enemies?
Matty attempted to get out of his head with more projects around the house. Still, he hadn’t come to any conclusions about what to do with Jenna. They needed more time, more space. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, which was exactly what he had seen on her face last night. Staying away might be better for her. Better for everyone.
He texted Jenna, Helping my parents with projects today. Will stay here tonight if you’re comfortable with that.
That’s fine. I’m going to the gym later.
Visions of their last time there together returned. He’d been trying to find an excuse to avoid being alone with her until he could get his head straight, but picturing her body move in that hot workout outfit changed his mind. Besides, her prick of an ex might be there, slithering up to Jenna, propositioning her with slimy suggestions about getting back together. Matty’s muscles hardened to granite. Maybe he should go with her just in case…
I’ll pick you up and we can go together, he typed.
Thanks, but I’d rather go alone.
Alone. That word gutted him. Call me if you need anything.
She didn’t.
He spent much of the next day thinking about Jenna and trying to find a way to move beyond that night. Want to get a bite to eat tonight?
Can’t. I’m staying in to study.
Since she’d studied with him around before—and hadn’t invited him over, it left no question—she was avoiding him.
He dropped his head into his hands. What a mess he’d created.
On the third day after the kiss apocalypse, he texted, I’ll get takeout and pick you up after work.
You don’t need to do this anymore, Matty. We should probably forget this whole thing.
Matty scowled. We’ll talk about that later.
He waited a minute. She started to text as he saw the dots come through, but then stopped.
After another minute passed, he texted, Okay?
Thirty more seconds went by. Okay.
When he picked her up from work, his heart drummed at a higher tempo. Just being around her and inhaling her scent made his world seem right again. But Jenna was unusually quiet.
She picked at the rotisserie chicken and sides he’d bought. He tried to start conversations, innocuous topics, like how they’d spent the couple of days. He missed the way she looked at him from her big, curious eyes. He missed how she lit up when she talked about the animals at the clinic—except the other night after they’d lost the cat. Her sad eyes haunted him. He’d do anything to keep her from feeling pain.
&
nbsp; It was time to switch to more practical matters. “Did he show up at the gym?”
“No.” She shook her head as she moved rice around her plate with a fork. Raising her eyes, she eyed him with concern. “Have you been okay?”
He rolled one shoulder in an uncomfortable shrug. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”
She tilted her head and gazed at him. “You were shaken up about Gunther.”
His muscles hardened to concrete. “Yeah, I wish I hadn’t mentioned that—especially when you were hurting.”
“Matty, I’m worried about you.” Her voice had that gentle tone again. “I think you should talk to someone.”
His jaw twitched. The last thing he wanted to do was go back to that conversation. He raised his hand, focusing on keeping it from shaking. “Jenna, please. Don’t.” His clipped tone held a desperate plea not to go back there.
She exhaled. “Okay. Thanks for dinner, but I’m not that hungry. I had a long day and am going to take a shower. Feel free to hang out or leave whenever you’re ready.”
In other words, not stay the night.
While she was in the shower, questions swirled like a funnel in his brain. What the hell could he do now? He shouldn’t be here any longer if she didn’t want or need him there.
After the water had turned off and he’d given Jenna a reasonable amount of time to get dressed, he knocked on her door. “Can I come in?” He listened for her reply over the low volume of Adele playing in her room.
“Sure.”
He opened the door and the scent of a vanilla candle wrapped around him. She sat on her bed on all that white fluffy bedding looking so damn cute in a pair of pink pajamas with black and white poodles printed on them. She brushed her damp hair. One of her true crimes books lay on the bed. He loved that detail about her—his sweet Jenna with a boundless love for animals and a dark side devouring true crime novels.
Being alone with her in her bedroom wasn’t a good idea. He tore his gaze away to stop staring and fixed it on a photo of Jenna and Derek on her white dresser. Another reminder of why he should leave.
He glanced at her. “I hate this gulf between us.”
Matty: A Navy SEAL Romance Page 13