‘She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders as it is,’ Geoff says. ‘You’re not going to tell her about what Meg wrote, are you?’
‘Probably not,’ I reply. ‘She’s worried about the helpline, and the nuisance calls haven’t helped. She doesn’t need more upset.’
The voice in my head grows louder. Why am I putting us all through this?
11
Jen
The knot in my stomach twists so tightly that it pulls my body into itself. I’ve been so stupid. I should have known I’d make Lewis angry and I can’t stop imagining what actions I’ve set in train through my recklessness.
‘Are you all right, Jennifer?’ Geoff asks. ‘You seem distracted.’
We’re walking down Castle Street with the town hall behind us, weaving our way through a swarm of city workers on the hunt for lunch. I haven’t said a word since we left the meeting with the city planners, despite it having gone better than we expected.
‘I’m fine,’ I say as someone thumps into my shoulder. The man almost knocks me off my feet, although a light gust of wind could have done the same.
As Geoff puts a hand out to steady me, he glares at the man who melds back into the crowd. ‘I was going to suggest we grab a bite to eat but you don’t look like you could stomach it.’
‘Don’t you want to get back to the office and share the good news?’ I ask.
‘We’ve got time for a celebratory drink, at least. I’ll text Ruth from in here,’ he says, keeping hold of my arm so he can steer me towards the pub we are passing. There are no free tables so we stand at the bar. ‘Can I tempt you with a glass of prosecco?’
I nod politely while my stomach raises an objection. It’s not only worry that’s caused my queasiness but the two bottles of wine Charlie and I demolished the day before. At my suggestion, we’d made Sunday a duvet day and binged on a Netflix box set. I love Scandi noir dramas but I found no sense of satisfaction at the end when the killer was caught. It wasn’t true to life. Sometimes it’s the bad guy who gets to live happily ever after.
Thankfully, the plot was enough to keep Charlie preoccupied. He’d already commented on my nerviness when he arrived home from work late on Saturday afternoon and I’d made up some story about my mum phoning and annoying me as usual, which was partly true. Mum always annoys me.
My mobile had been in my hand when she’d called me at lunchtime but I’d let it go to voicemail while I continued to scour the internet for any mention of someone called Iona who was associated with a Lewis McQueen. My efforts drew a blank but I couldn’t let it go so I searched for the origins of the name, hoping it would match Ellie’s Romanian accent. My heart sank when I discovered the name was Celtic. That was when the landline rang out. Mum wasn’t giving up.
‘So you do exist,’ she’d said. ‘I was beginning to think you were a figment of my imagination.’
‘Sorry,’ I mumbled as I wedged the phone under my chin so I could continue tapping on my mobile.
‘Have I done something to upset you, Jen?’
Where do I begin? I’d wanted to ask. Should I start with how you allowed your petty jealousy of your brother’s success to come between me and Meg? Would you like to speculate on how different things might have been if I’d been allowed to live under the same roof as my cousin? Could you tell me how you can sit in judgement of how Ruth deals with her grief when you’ve never tried to understand what she and Geoff have gone through?
‘I’ve been busy, that’s all,’ I’d said.
‘And you’ll be too busy to come over tomorrow for Sunday lunch, I suppose. All your sisters will be there.’
‘Sorry,’ I’d replied as my internet search continued. I tried alternative spellings of Lewis’s girlfriend’s name.
‘I don’t suppose you’ve started your counselling course and that’s what’s keeping you so busy?’ Mum had offered.
‘No,’ I’d said flatly as I typed the name Ioana.
‘Then promise me you’ll come over soon,’ Mum continued. ‘You have a niece and nephew who’ve forgotten what you look like.’ She had waited for a reply but I was too busy punching the air. ‘Jen, are you still there?’
I’d found a match. Ioana is a Slavic girls’ name popular in Romania. I was right but being right hadn’t made things better. If Iona and Ellie are one and the same, her call to the helpline could have been an attempt to calm the situation and it’s possible I’ve only made matters worse, so much worse.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since and I’m not expecting the prosecco to help ease my worries, but it goes down exceptionally well as I watch Geoff tap out a message to Ruth. ‘I needed that,’ I say after he slips his phone into his jacket pocket.
Geoff sees my empty glass and, picking up his neat whiskey, downs it in one. ‘How about one more for the road?’
‘I might even taste it next time,’ I say, pushing my glass towards the bartender.
While I watch our drinks being poured, Geoff watches me. Although he’s my boss during work hours, it’s hard to forget that he’s the uncle who would have happily absorbed me into his family if his sister had allowed. It was awkward for a while after Meg died, but we’ve forged a new kind of relationship, and I respect and admire him as much as I do Ruth.
‘You’ve been looking troubled lately,’ my uncle tells me.
This, I realise, is why Geoff has taken me to one side. ‘It’s been an odd few weeks.’
‘You did a good job with the relaunch, although Ruth tells me not all of those extra calls are exactly what we were expecting.’
‘We can’t let a few nuisance calls get to us,’ I say, as if it isn’t perfectly apparent that they already have. ‘I know you had your doubts about the helpline’s future, but the PR campaign was all about creating the springboard we need to extend our services. New beginnings …’ My words falter. I can’t pretend there isn’t a problem.
‘Except now it feels more like the beginning of the end,’ Geoff finishes for me.
‘We can’t give up, Geoff,’ I plead, taking my drink from the bartender before he has a chance to place it on the coaster. ‘There have been new callers, the kind that remind us why we need to keep trying. We can see the way their lives are leading and we can do something about it – before they reach the point where they feel trapped in circumstances they can’t control.’ It sounds like a sales pitch and that’s exactly what it is. ‘They’re girls like Meg.’
‘And that’s my problem.’ Geoff takes a sip of his drink and lets it warm his tongue before swallowing hard. ‘As a trustee I have a duty of care to you and the other volunteers, and that includes Ruth. Did you know she’d promised Alison to cover her shift tonight, only to realise she couldn’t face it? She’s asked Janet instead.’
‘No, I didn’t know,’ I reply, leaning heavily against the bar.
‘She can’t do it any more, not that she’ll ever admit it.’
‘It’s because the helpline means so much to us.’
‘No, it’s because Megan means so much to us,’ Geoff says. I can see a decade’s worth of pain in his eyes and the weight of it is crushing. He puts a hand on my shoulder. ‘I know you’ve tried your best, and no one’s doubting your intentions, but you have no idea how much strain Ruth is under at the moment. I’m not sure I do. She hides her pain too well.’
‘I think she’d say the same of you,’ I suggest as my heart sinks. Despite my best efforts, the future of the helpline is still under threat and the end could be nearer than I’d feared.
Geoff drains his glass. ‘There was a time when Ruth couldn’t bring herself to look at Megan’s videos. I never understood why but now that she is replaying them, I think she was right to avoid them.’ He holds up his glass for the bartender to refill while I place my hand over the top of my half-empty glass. ‘Yesterday was truly awful.’
‘What happened?’ I ask. I’d noticed a change in both of them this morning. They looked beaten.
> ‘It’s best that you don’t know,’ he says. ‘All I can say is don’t let Ruth’s act fool you.’
I can see where this is leading and I put Geoff out of his misery. ‘Ruth mentioned you were thinking seriously of retiring.’
‘I wasn’t planning on it being so early but now that the Whitespace project is back on track, it would be an ideal time to bring in new investors,’ he says. ‘And as for the helpline, I said it before and I’ll say it again. It’s better to plan its closure than let it fizzle to nothing, and there are other helplines out there to fill the breach.’
‘But what about the girls who don’t have a label for how they’re feeling? They’re the ones who talk to us, Geoff. They’re at the beginning of a relationship that feels wrong and we help them work out why before they’re stripped of their confidence and their identity. We do make a difference.’
‘But at what cost?’
I don’t know what to think. Am I pushing the foundation for my own selfish reasons and ignoring Ruth’s suffering?
‘It’s ironic that we’ve lost one child and yet we’re missing out on so much of Sean’s life,’ Geoff continues. ‘Megan adored her brother. If she were here, I think she’d be telling her mum to make the move.’
‘How is he?’ I ask, grasping the opportunity to change the subject.
‘Frazzled, as you can imagine with twins. I know new mums don’t always appreciate interference from their in-laws but I get the feeling Alice would welcome the extra help too. And I want to be part of my granddaughters’ lives, Jennifer. I don’t want to be a stranger to them.’
Geoff is looking for an ally but I’m not ready to give him what he wants. I can’t let Lewis win again. ‘Is it possible that you could move to Stratford and keep things going here?’ I ask. ‘You could bring in a new partner to run the business, and I don’t mind taking on more of the foundation’s work.’
‘In my view, we’d be surrendering control whilst keeping all of the stress. I don’t think our marriage would survive it,’ he admits in a low voice.
I’m relieved when Geoff straightens up without waiting for a response. Taking out his wallet, he hands the bartender more than enough to settle our bill. His cheeks are ruddy and I suspect mine are too as we leave the tavern.
The weak sunlight soaking through a haze of grey cloud temporarily blinds me and I feel distinctly woozy. I’m beginning to regret the second glass of prosecco, if not the first, as we resume our journey back to the office. If I’d kept my head clear, I might have been able to persuade Geoff to shelve his plans for retirement but he’s made the winning argument and he hasn’t finished yet.
‘There is another reason I’m trying to persuade Ruth to move away,’ he begins. ‘I didn’t want to tell you but I need you on my side, Jennifer.’ He looks about him as if we’re being watched. ‘And perhaps you could do with being extra vigilant.’
As my hand skims a lamppost, my fingers clamp around it and I come to a stop, much to the irritation of the woman who almost walks into me. Adrenalin floods my body and sets my heart racing. I know what Geoff is about to say. He’s carried on walking and it takes him a moment to realise he’s left me behind. I don’t want him to come back to me but he does. He gives me a curious look and we both weigh up our options. Who’s going to say it first?
‘Did you know Lewis was back in Liverpool?’ he asks.
‘Yes.’
‘But you haven’t told Ruth?’ Geoff adds quickly.
‘No, and probably for the same reasons you haven’t.’
Taking a chance that my legs will carry me, I let go of the lamppost and we continue on our way, albeit hesitantly. ‘Doesn’t it make you angry that Lewis thinks he can pick up where he left off?’ I ask.
‘Lots of things make me angry,’ Geoff admits, although it’s despair I hear in his voice. ‘That’s why I have to get away.’
‘So he’s won?’
Geoff’s pace quickens and I struggle to match it. ‘It’s not a matter of winning, it’s a matter of surviving,’ he says. ‘You don’t know how hard I try to erase all memory of him from Megan’s life. He could be in any city, doing whatever he wants; I don’t care as long as I never have to set eyes on him again.’
‘Well, lucky you,’ I say. I’m gasping for breath and my words are harsher than I intended. Geoff looks back and his eyes narrow. I’m calmer when I add, ‘I’ve seen him.’
‘When?’
‘He was taking an outdoor exercise class in Liverpool One,’ I say, as if I’d come across him by chance.
‘Did you speak to him?’
‘He’s not sorry, Geoff. He’s not sorry about anything.’
Geoff puts a hand over his ashen face. ‘What does he want, Jen? I knew he’d react after Ruth’s interview, but was the solicitor’s letter simply a shot across the bow? Are the nuisance calls the start of a more concerted effort to intimidate us?’
‘I don’t know, but I suspect seeing me didn’t help.’
Geoff sees my eyes glistening and his features soften. He places his hand gently on the small of my back as we walk. His voice is gentle too. ‘I’m pretty sure you managed better than I would,’ he says. ‘Don’t think there haven’t been nights I’ve lain awake thinking about what I’d like to do to him, but if I were to carry through my fantasies, I’d be the one arrested, not him. He’s never going to be punished for the crimes he’s committed against us, and while that’s been a bitter pill to swallow, that’s how it has to be. That bastard doesn’t deserve our thoughts or our time. He has no place in our lives, he never did. Help me, Jennifer. Help me persuade Ruth it’s time to stop fighting and start living again, far away from here.’
I’m excused from giving Geoff an answer as we take advantage of a break in the traffic and hurry across the Strand. My legs are leaden and I don’t know how I’m going to make it up the stairs. I consider taking the lift with Geoff but I’m not that brave, I never was. Antagonising Lewis had been foolhardy. If he can beat Geoff into submission without raising a finger, what chance have the rest of us?
12
Jen
It’s Wednesday evening and my palms are slick with sweat as five o’clock finally arrives and the helpline is automatically activated. I’m not sure what I dread more, Lewis hanging up on me, or Ellie phoning to inform me what misery my actions have caused.
As I wait, I tap my fingers on the desk and watch Ruth and Geoff in their office preparing to leave. I didn’t agree to help Geoff persuade Ruth to retire, and I don’t think I can while there’s still a chance that the helpline’s fortunes will be reversed, but what worries Geoff, worries me. Since our chat on Monday, I can no longer ignore how run-down my aunt looks. It’s not particularly unusual to see her staring off into space as she wrestles with some design issue or other, but at some point her face will light up as she plucks a solution from thin air. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her eyes alight.
Ruth slips on the raincoat Geoff is holding out for her, but when he puts his hands on her shoulders, she moves away. She and Geoff are pulling in opposite directions and their daughter isn’t here this time to push them back together. I can almost hear Meg demanding that I do something about it. Oh, Meg, it’s not that simple. Giving up on the foundation that keeps your name in our lives would be like giving up on you all over again.
Before Ruth catches me spying on her, I open up the call log with the intention of getting up to speed with what’s been happening with our callers, but my heart sinks when I see that six of the calls listed on Monday were put-downs. Lewis has intensified his hate campaign.
I hear an office door open and Ruth appears next to me. ‘We’re leaving now,’ she says, but before she goes, she taps a ravaged fingernail on the screen. She’s pointing to the call Janet took from Gemma. ‘Fingers crossed she’ll phone again tonight.’
‘She’s going to be fine,’ I promise even though I haven’t actually read the latest call sheet.
‘If anyone can get through t
o her, you can,’ Ruth says.
‘Or you,’ I add.
Ruth shakes her head. ‘I’d only lecture her like I did with Meg. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.’
I want to remind Ruth that she had good cause to be frustrated with Meg, I felt some of that myself. We were only trying to look out for her, but my dear cousin never viewed it that way.
‘Does Auntie Eve nag you like Mum does me?’ Meg had asked me once.
‘Only if she notices I’m there.’
I was sitting cross-legged on Meg’s bed, watching her apply another layer of mascara at her dressing table. I’d got ready before I left the house and although I was wearing some makeup, I wasn’t as particular as Meg. We were only going to spend another night with our usual group of friends – plus Lewis – and I had no one to dress up for. I was starting to wonder if I’d ever have a boyfriend – I doubted Charlie would notice if I turned up wearing a tutu and clown makeup. No one would.
‘I wish Mum had let me come and live here.’
‘You’re better off where you are. Being noticed isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,’ Meg said, the mascara wand stilling in her hand as she watched me fall back onto her bed.
‘Mothers,’ I’d mumbled, as if it were a dirty word.
There were heart-shaped fairy lights woven between the wooden slats of Meg’s headboard and it was a relief to see she’d stopped switching them on. I was convinced the scarves hanging on her bedpost would catch a spark and burn the house down but the silk was cool as I tugged at the pastel-green scarf with pictures of galloping horses racing across it. She’d bought it in Cornwall the summer before and recalling our holiday brought with it a pang of sadness. Sean had said it would be his last. Mum had said it should be mine too. She complained it felt like charity, having her brother fund my holidays, and announced I was old enough to conquer my fears of flying and go with them. Not that she was willing to put that theory to the test and our next family holiday – the Hunter family holiday – would involve a ferry across to Ireland.
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