Don't Turn Around

by Amanda Brooke

  ‘Lewis likes having information on people. That’s how he gets his thrills,’ I tell him.

  ‘One of the ways,’ Sean adds sourly. ‘He’s dangerous, Jen, and I worry about him being this close to you all. I worry about Mum.’

  ‘Your dad wants me to persuade her to retire.’

  ‘Snap.’

  ‘She’d struggle, leaving it all behind.’

  ‘She’s struggling now,’ Sean replies as he scans the other tables until he finds his mum. Ruth is in mid-conversation with Selina and she tips her head back in laughter. ‘The twins aren’t completely to blame for her restlessness last night. Dad says she’s been replaying Meg’s videos every chance she gets.’

  ‘Does that have to be a bad thing?’ I ask. ‘There are no rules on how to grieve.’

  ‘You’re right, and it’s for Mum to work through it herself. We can’t protect her from everything,’ he adds, holding my gaze. ‘I know it’s not what Dad wants, but she should know why he’s so desperate to get her to move.’

  ‘And do you agree with them running away?’ I ask as pressure begins to build behind my eyes.

  ‘I’m afraid so. Which makes me wonder what our Jen will do with the rest of her life.’

  ‘You and me both,’ I mutter as a hand clasps around my shoulder. I turn to find Geoff, his red cheeks glowing.

  ‘Jen, my love. I’ve been talking to a lovely lady called …’ His bloodshot eyes narrow. ‘I think she said her name was Sheila and she happens to be a counsellor. I’ve been telling her all about your plans to get into the profession and she’d love to talk to you.’

  Sean raises an eyebrow at me. ‘That’s serendipitous.’

  I don’t want to leave. I know Geoff is only trying to help but I’ve met quite a few counsellors over the years and I already know what I have to do. It’s not information I need but courage, or closure, or both. I stand up with more of a wobble than I’d like. I hope I’m not going to make a fool of myself.

  17

  Jen

  Geoff knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s primed Sheila and, unwittingly, she carves out an alternative career path for me that could take me away from McCoy and Pace, and the helpline, leaving Ruth free to decide her own future without having to worry about mine.

  ‘With your experience,’ Sheila tells me, ‘there are other support roles in the charity sector you could apply for while you’re training to be a counsellor. It might help you decide where you want to specialise. There are many different fields to counselling. Don’t limit yourself.’

  ‘New horizons,’ Geoff says, lifting his glass. ‘For all of us.’

  ‘Can I have a word?’ Ruth hisses into his ear, her unexpected arrival making him flinch.

  Her jaw is set firm and the tiredness she was fighting earlier has been eviscerated by anger.

  Sheila takes a step back, recognising her moment to withdraw. ‘I’ll leave you to it,’ she says as she presses a business card into my hand. ‘It was lovely meeting you, Jennifer. Please get in touch if you’d like to talk more.’

  I’m tempted to follow Sheila’s example but as I edge away, Ruth fixes me with her stare. ‘You need to stay.’

  ‘What’s wrong, my love?’ asks Geoff.

  Before she can answer, Sean appears from the dining room. He spots us in the thinning crowd and hurries over. Shock sobers me in an instant. He’s told her.

  ‘Mum, hang on,’ he says, taking hold of her arm. ‘Maybe we should have this conversation at home when you’re calmer.’

  Ruth looks from Geoff, to me, to Sean, and back again. ‘You all knew he was back,’ she says, the tremor in her voice a warning of the rage to come, ‘and not one of you felt the need to tell me?’ Her eyes are wide as she stares at her husband. ‘You knew, and your only reaction was to start a campaign to force me to leave.’

  ‘I didn’t want to upset you,’ Geoff replies. ‘I knew you’d react like this. I was trying to spare you the pain.’

  ‘Pain?’ she repeats, jabbing the word at him. ‘I’ve been living with this pain from the day Meg died and there’s nothing Lewis Rimmer can do to make it any worse. Don’t you understand? It never goes away, Geoff. I’ve learnt to live with it, that’s all.’

  ‘We both have,’ he says.

  ‘Then you should know that you’re not protecting me, you’re protecting him! Have you forgotten what she wrote about the space girl? That was her, being hurt by him over and over again!’

  Sean’s expression is one of shock, but I can’t tell if it’s in response to Ruth’s anger, which shows no sign of subsiding, or if he’s as confused as I am by the reference to something Meg had written.

  ‘The man who took our daughter from us is living under our very noses,’ she continues. ‘He’s carrying on as if Meg never existed. It’s not pain I feel. It’s fury!’

  ‘He came back because his mum’s ill,’ I tell her, only to realise I sound like Charlie.

  Ruth rounds on me. ‘Are you defending him?’

  ‘No, what I’m saying is, he didn’t come back here out of choice. He’s scared of us too, Ruth. I saw it in his eyes.’ It’s a slight exaggeration but maybe Lewis did kick out because he feels threatened.

  ‘You’ve seen him?’

  I’m confused as I turn to Sean. ‘I thought you’d told her?’

  He shakes his head. Not guilty.

  ‘I was chatting to an old friend,’ Ruth explains. ‘I didn’t quite understand why Vanessa was commiserating with me at first. I thought she was talking about how the helpline is struggling.’ She laughs to herself. ‘I’ll be damned if it’s going to be mothballed now.’

  ‘Ruth,’ Geoff says, in an attempt to get his wife’s attention, but she keeps her eyes on me.

  ‘Do you know he has a girlfriend?’ she asks. ‘I suppose it was ridiculous to think he wasn’t going to have other relationships, but …’ She balls her hand into a tight fist. ‘It’s so bloody wrong that he gets to come back here and pick up where he left off with another poor girl.’

  ‘That’s why I tracked him down,’ I explain. ‘I had to say something.’

  ‘At least one of you had guts.’ Ruth’s breathing slows and she exhales her next breath through pursed lips. ‘How did he take it?’

  ‘Shocked more than anything. And then this week, he called the helpline and basically laughed at me.’

  ‘So Lewis is our nuisance caller. Oh, let him try phoning again. He won’t be laughing when I’ve finished with him.’

  My cheeks burn. Do I tell Ruth the earlier put-downs were from someone else, confessing a fresh secret, or do I keep my promise to Ellie and let Lewis take the blame? The choice is an easy, albeit a cowardly one. ‘I think he got what he wanted,’ I tell Ruth. ‘I doubt he’ll call again.’

  She closes her eyes briefly to contain the last of her anger before elbowing Geoff out of the way. ‘Oh, Jen, is that why things went so wrong on Wednesday?’ she asks as her arms encircle me. ‘You should have said.’

  I don’t correct her, making me even less worthy of her sympathy. Tears spring to my eyes but I refuse to burst into tears; our raised voices have attracted enough attention. ‘I’m so sorry. I hated myself for not telling you about Lewis. I wanted to protect you.’ And I still do, which is why I don’t say more.

  Ruth pulls away so she can look at me. ‘We’ll talk properly on Monday, but for now, I think Sean’s right. I should go home,’ she says, extending her hand in Geoff’s direction. ‘Car keys.’

  ‘I’ll get our coats, my love,’ he says as he rummages in his pocket. Placing the key fob in her open palm, he attempts to wrap his hand around hers.

  Snapping hers back, Ruth says, ‘No, Geoff, I’ll make my own way home. Why don’t you stay over? That way you don’t need to sleep on the sofa two nights running.’

  ‘I was only doing what I thought was best,’ Geoff says. He sways ever so slightly from the withering look his wife gives him.

  As we say our goodbyes, Sean gives me a peck o
n the cheek then draws me into a hug. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll get them talking again,’ he whispers.

  An awkward silence descends as I’m left alone with Geoff. I’m about to leave him to his thoughts when he says, ‘I loved Megan too. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her.’

  I want to tell him I do too, but this isn’t a competition about who misses Meg the most so I keep quiet.

  ‘When I found her suicide note in the hallway, I didn’t want to believe what I was reading,’ he says as his eyes glaze over. ‘Thank goodness Ruth went upstairs to look for her while I ran into the garage. If she had seen what I was faced with, she wouldn’t be sipping coffee in that damned kitchen.’

  I say nothing. At the inquest, I learnt more about the details surrounding Meg’s death than I would have liked, and too often I’ve imagined what confronted Geoff when he stepped into the garage.

  ‘It was a cry for help. She didn’t really mean to do it,’ Geoff continues. His mouth is dry and his parched lips stick together as he speaks. ‘I could have helped her find a way out of the mess she’d found herself in. I thought we were close but she never told me.’

  ‘She didn’t talk to any of us.’

  ‘Or listen to anyone – except Lewis, of course. He turned her against us. I should have done something then. I should be doing something now. It ought to have been me tackling him, not you, Jen. I’m a coward,’ Geoff says and something too much like a sob catches in his throat. He hears it too. ‘I need a drink.’

  I watch Geoff stagger towards the bar but I don’t follow. I don’t move at all. The foundations of the new life Ruth and Geoff built for us all have been washed away, and we’re each marooned on our own individual islands, surrounded by churning waters of grief. I wrap my arms around myself, and as I hug my bag to my chest, I feel it vibrate. I almost drop my phone as I read the text.

  Do you want a lift? X

  I need to answer the message but as I fumble with the touchscreen, a hand appears to still mine.

  ‘I’m here,’ Charlie says.

  I don’t attempt to hold back the sob this time.

  18

  Ruth

  When Geoff and I stroll into the office on Monday morning, few would guess we’ve had a falling out. Jen jumps up and offers to make us drinks but I’m in no rush to be locked away with Geoff in our glass cage.

  Alone in the kitchen, I press my forehead against the window as I wait for the kettle to boil. I glimpse a ferry making its return trip across the Mersey from Seacombe, bringing forth memories of yesterday’s excursion, but thoughts of my cheeky little granddaughters aren’t enough to lift my spirits. I shift my gaze from the flowing river to the stagnating waters directly below. The narrow inlet that separates the office from a residential complex next door had originally linked Canning Dock to George’s Dock, but the connection was severed when George’s Dock was filled in to make way for the Three Graces. The inlet serves no purpose now except to collect floating islands of algae, leaves and litter.

  A footbridge spans the inlet where it meets the Canning Dock and I watch a figure step boldly onto its steel spine. The man stops at the midpoint to pull back his hood and when he looks up, it’s as if he’s searching me out. The threat is imagined but when the kettle clicks off, it gives me a start. I turn to find Jen has been watching me.

  ‘How was yesterday?’ she asks.

  ‘Our trip on the ferry blew away some cobwebs, although Sean remained a delicate shade of green all day.’

  ‘I’m glad you made him go with you.’

  ‘I couldn’t have managed on my own,’ I mutter. More brightly, I add, ‘I’ve taken tonnes of photos of the girls. Would you like to see?’

  Jen makes all the right noises as I skim through the images on my phone. Most are from our seafaring adventures but I pause on one taken of me and the girls cuddled up on the sofa in the kitchen. It’s one of the few photos where my granddaughters are both looking at the camera at the same time, and I can see something of Meg in their faces. Although the twins are identical, they have each inherited a slightly different aspect of their aunt.

  ‘Two for the price of one,’ I say before I realise the price the fates demanded was Meg.

  There’s an awkward pause as I grab two mugs from the cupboard. ‘Can you thank Charlie for booking Geoff into the hotel? I can’t imagine he would have been in a fit state to organise it himself.’

  ‘How are things?’

  My smile is stiff and unforgiving. ‘He crawled back home while I was out with the girls. Sean made a valiant effort to justify Geoff’s actions, and it’s only because of him that we’re speaking at all. I’m sure Geoff thought he was doing the right thing, but I don’t appreciate being manipulated. He was determined that we were going to retire, whether he thought I was ready or not.’

  I don’t tell Jen how I’d almost fallen for my husband’s scheming. When I was greeted by Sean on the doorstep on Friday night with those two precious gifts life has given us, I felt ready to embrace them. Worst still, I thought how insightful it was of Geoff to recognise that I was teetering towards one of the hardest decisions of my life.

  ‘He doesn’t think I can stand up to that bastard,’ I continue. ‘He thinks I’m weak. Well, I’m not. As far as I’m concerned, if Geoff wants to flee, he can go right ahead but I’m staying here. We have a lot of work to do, Jen.’

  ‘OK, good,’ she replies cautiously.

  ‘Lewis will not deter us.’

  My strong words don’t ease the worry lines peeking beneath her fringe. ‘But we can’t ignore him either,’ she says.

  ‘It bothers you having him so close, doesn’t it?’ I ask, as if it hasn’t affected me too.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I don’t want you worrying, which is why I’m going to join you on your Wednesday shifts. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to cover the helpline on your own at the moment.’

  I was expecting Jen to be relieved but her eyes widen. ‘You don’t have to do that, Ruth. I’ll be fine. I thought you wanted a break from taking calls for a while.’

  ‘Well, I’ve had a change of heart. If Gemma won’t listen to her mum, she’s going to listen to me. I’m taking tonight’s shift and I can manage Wednesday too. I’ll even drop you off afterwards so you don’t have to walk home alone that late at night.’

  ‘At eight o’clock? Honestly, Ruth. If it makes you feel better, I’ll get the train home.’

  ‘And why would you do that when you don’t live near a station?’ I ask, lightly. ‘And besides, I wouldn’t want him standing behind you on a platform.’ I shake my head. ‘I can’t believe I’m even thinking something like that. We shouldn’t have to worry about what he might do next.’

  ‘No, we shouldn’t,’ she agrees. ‘He needs to know he can’t intimidate us.’

  I like the fire in Jen’s eyes. It’s a reflection of my own. ‘And that’s precisely what I intend to show him.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  I briefly consider sharing everything Vanessa had told me at the fundraiser about her daughter bumping into Lewis, but I’m still smarting after being kept in the dark by my family. I can look after myself, and what is more, I can look after others too. I set up the Lean On Me helpline to help young people recognise when they’re caught up in a toxic relationship, and there’s a young woman who needs to know what kind of man she’s involved with.

  I know where Lewis’s girlfriend works.

  ‘I’m going to poke the tiger,’ I say.

  19

  Jen

  As my shift on the helpline begins, I don’t know what to expect. There have been no put-down calls since last week but that doesn’t mean Lewis won’t ring again, nor does it mean that Ellie will.

  When the first call comes in at 5.30, my pulse quickens as I pick it up but it’s an easy one; a young student who’s had one failed relationship too many and wants to know if her current boyfriend is a keeper. There’s nothing she tells me a
bout this latest romance that makes my insides twist.

  ‘I hope talking about your feelings has helped put your fears into perspective,’ I tell her, bringing the call to a close.

  ‘It really has. I just have to let go of the past and take a chance. We only get one life.’

  ‘Yes, we do,’ I reply, wishing I could convince myself as easily.

  There’s a clean call sheet open on screen and as soon as the call ends, I jot down some notes so that I’m ready for the next caller. From the corner of my eye, I watch Ruth and Geoff in their office. Geoff has shrugged into his coat but Ruth leaves hers draped over her arm, partly concealing the collection of John Lewis bags she’s holding, although I doubt she cares what Geoff thinks of her recent shopping spree.

  Ruth has been forgoing her usual brisk walk around the Pier Head at lunchtime for trips into Liverpool One, and the department store has been her one-stop shop every day so far. She’s bought some gorgeous outfits for the girls as well as a whole range of other goods including perfume and an Apple Mac that she took back yesterday. It would be too much to hope that there isn’t a connection between her sudden need for retail therapy and the shock she received at the weekend. She might act cool and collected, but there’s tension building inside her that’s sharpened her features and her fingernails, and it scares me.

  ‘Goodnight, Jen,’ Geoff says, raising a hand.

  ‘Night, Geoff,’ I reply as my attention turns to Ruth. She doesn’t chase after her husband as he disappears through the double doors but walks over to me.

  ‘You’re staying?’ I ask with a forced note of curiosity that hides growing dread as I watch her drop her bags next to the second helpline pod. What do I do if Ellie calls again and Ruth picks up? Or worse still, listens in on our conversation?

  If Ellie thinks I deserve another chance, I can’t blow it a third time. She holds all the answers. I didn’t imagine the fear in her voice and I bet it has something to do with whatever Lewis had caught Meg up in, some sexual deviance that Sean couldn’t bring himself to tell me about all these years later.