Geoff flinches, his eyes darting to the side in case the next strike is aimed at him but Lewis stays where he is, and the lack of action emboldens my husband. ‘She did it to goad me,’ he hisses. Drunk or not, his words are sharpened by his anger. ‘That’s why she invited him into our bedroom.’
‘And then you took it out on her.’
‘No, Ruth. I told …’ He flaps a hand towards Helena. ‘I told her all about it. It’s a thing. It’s auto-asphyx-something.’
‘You choked our daughter with one of her own scarves because you thought she’d enjoy it?’
He closes his eyes and shakes his head. I don’t know if he intends me to hear when he whispers, ‘The things she said … She was hurting me.’
‘So you shut her up because what she told you didn’t fit with your reality. Did she beg you to stop?’ I ask. ‘Did she tell you it was wrong? Did she tell you what a sick, twisted bastard you are?’
‘That’s not who I am,’ he replies. ‘You know it’s not. You’ve been married to me for over thirty years, Ruth. I’m not a monster.’
‘Except you slipped into that skin every time you sneaked into Meg’s room.’
Geoff’s sobs are pathetic. ‘My only crime is that I loved her too much. If I’d known how she felt, I would have stopped,’ he wails. ‘I didn’t want Megan to kill herself. It should have been me.’
‘But you left it to our daughter,’ I say as I consider how different my life would be if the suicide letter had been Geoff’s. The damage had already been done to Meg, but she might have come out from behind those barricades I refused to peer over, and together we might have been able to rebuild our lives. Might. What a feeble word.
‘She should have told me,’ he insists.
‘She did tell you. You did not listen,’ Helena says, her hesitant words gathering strength as they rise up to strike Geoff with enough force to make his body jerk.
‘Shut up,’ he hisses. ‘You were supposed to wait for me at the flat. You shouldn’t be here. This is all your fault.’
I can feel the tears sliding down my face. There will come a time – very soon, I imagine – when I will want to wail and scream and cry and sob and wrench every emotion out of my chest, but it’s not now, and it’s not here. Geoff and I are not going to cry together, because we’re crying for different things. ‘Meg asked us to bury her shame with her,’ I say. ‘What else did she say in the note, Geoff?’
‘That was all it said,’ he says with a shake of the head. ‘You were there, Ruth.’
Lewis steps closer and glances over my shoulder to the group huddled behind me. As I turn, Charlie puts his head down and my eyes settle on Jen who is giving Lewis a warning glare. I wait for her to look at me.
‘There’s something you should know, but not here, not in front of Geoff,’ she says.
I don’t like the painful look Jen gives me when there’s so much pain already. I don’t want another secret to blindside me and I’m about to insist she explain but Geoff draws me back to him.
‘You were never meant to know, Ruth,’ he whispers. ‘Megan didn’t want that.’
‘I don’t think you’re in any position to say what our daughter did and didn’t want,’ I reply. ‘Were there other girls?’
He shakes his head but I’m not satisfied with the answer. If he could abuse his teenage daughter, who else would he prey on? I’d assumed his affair was a symptom of a midlife crisis but was it something more insidious? He was grooming Meg but had sex with someone else. Why? Our little girl would have been only fifteen at the time. Could it be that she was that bit too young for him?
‘Waiting until Meg turned sixteen was important, wasn’t it?’
‘It’s important to any girl.’
I press my chin to my chest. I can’t bear to look at the monster being revealed one vile layer at a time. How did I not know what he was like? Not only did I believe we provided our children with the perfect family home, I’d offered it up to Jen. My head snaps up. I don’t think my pounding heart can take any more strain but I force myself to look back at her. ‘Did he ever touch you?’
Jen’s eyes widen and fear is about to swallow me up but she shakes her head.
Geoff raises his voice. ‘Jesus, Ruth. I’m not some kind of paedophile! I told you, I loved Megan. I couldn’t feel that way about simply anyone.’
I round on him. ‘No, just your fucking daughter!’
‘Yes, my daughter. Mine,’ he hits back with sudden fury. ‘She belonged to me!’
46
Jen
A stunned silence descends. There’s so much more Ruth could ask Geoff but he’s said it all in that last crushing outburst. Meg was his property to do with as he wished. That was his justification. That was how he lived with what he did to her.
Ruth releases a sob that sounds like the end of her world. White knuckles grip the counter as she squeezes her eyes tight shut. Geoff lifts his chin and watches her. He thinks the worst is over but when Ruth rears up, her eyes are on fire.
‘Why Helena? Why now?’
I feel Helena’s grip on my hand tighten as the focus turns to her.
‘Helena was a mistake. And you were the one who put the idea in my head, going on about how much she reminded you of Megan. We got talking, I said I knew someone with an apartment so she could have a place of her own. And then you sacked her, Ruth! I couldn’t just abandon her.’
‘So it’s my fault?’
‘You were the one who did all those media interviews, raking up the past and splashing my daughter’s beautiful face across the news. Do you have any idea what that was like for me? I loved Megan more than anyone on this earth, but the lasting memory I have of her is what she looked like when I found her,’ he says, his words catching at the back of his throat.
From the corner of my eye, I see Charlie’s body swaying. I wish I could justify his actions but I simply can’t. Neither will Ruth when I tell her, and I will once we’re out of earshot of Geoff. He doesn’t deserve to have anyone else sharing the blame.
‘Where’s Helena’s passport?’ asks Ruth.
‘What?’
‘You took her passport. Where is it?’
‘In work. In my desk.’
‘Fine.’
‘The drawer’s locked.’
‘I’ll break it open.’
‘You don’t have to. She can have it back. I’ll do whatever you ask, my love. It’s good that you know the truth. I’ve carried this guilt for so long but it’s done now and we can put it behind us.’ Fear has finally sobered Geoff up, and although his eyes are bloodshot, they shine as he looks beadily at each of us before returning his gaze to Ruth. ‘No one else needs to know any of this. Imagine what it would do to Sean. And if it became public, the business would fold. All the staff would lose their jobs, including Jen, and we’d lose everything. Everything. No one wants that.’
‘So we keep quiet for the sake of everyone else?’ Ruth says, as if she might be warming to the idea. My heart sinks, and I see Lewis’s jaw twitch.
‘Exactly, my love,’ Geoff says. ‘You know it’s for the best.’
‘Is that what you told Meg I’d do? Put the business and our name before my own daughter?’ Ruth asks. ‘Look up, Geoff. Find that spot above your head where Meg hung the noose. If it was made for anyone, it was made for you, so fuck your bargaining.’
Geoff lurches off the bar stool but Lewis grabs him by the shirt collar. Spluttering, Geoff claws at the material digging into his neck but he doesn’t fight off Lewis.
Turning her back on them, Ruth steps towards Helena and sweeps a lock of hair gently from her face. ‘This is not a man you need to fear any more. We’ll look after you,’ she promises. ‘Will you tell the police what you’ve told us?’
‘Yes,’ Helena whispers, keeping her eyes fixed on Ruth and not the man wailing in the background. ‘I will tell them everything.’
‘Come on then. Let’s go into the sitting room and we can make the call together.’
When Helena goes to follow Ruth, she’s still holding my hand and takes me with her. It’s Charlie who pulls me back. ‘Should I come too?’ he asks.
‘No,’ Ruth says before I have a chance to tell Charlie where to go. ‘I want you and Lewis to make sure he stays where he is.’
‘You’re leaving him with me?’ Lewis demands as he continues to dangle Geoff by the shirt collar.
What she says next flies against everything we believed just a few short hours ago. ‘I trust you, Lewis.’
When Ruth puts the phone down, the sitting room falls silent. A police car is on its way but there’s no hurry. We’ve waited ten years. We can wait a little longer.
‘I can’t take it all in,’ I say.
‘I’d thought of every possible scenario except this one,’ Ruth admits. ‘And I hate to say it, Jen, but when I recognised Helena’s voice on the helpline, I thought it was Charlie who was hurting her.’
‘He is a good man,’ Helena offers.
‘Not that good,’ I reply as my stomach does a somersault.
Ruth gives me a curious look, but I’m given a reprieve from breaking her that little bit more when she turns back to Helena. ‘I know you were planning on going home on Saturday, but it’s inevitable that this will go to court. Would you consider staying? I can make sure your rent is covered and I’m sure Charlie would give you your job back. If that’s what you want?’
‘I did not want to go home. I would like to stay.’
‘Then I’ll do everything in my power to help you re-establish the life you had before my husband set about dismantling it.’
‘You are very kind. You did not deserve this,’ she says. ‘And neither did Megan.’
Ruth presses her fingers to her mouth but she doesn’t cry. She swallows hard and says, ‘It’s going to take me a long time to process what happened, and I’m not sure I know where to begin.’
‘I do,’ I answer.
Ruth searches my face. ‘You said there was something I needed to know.’
‘It’s about Meg’s suicide note,’ I say and as we hold each other’s gaze, I feel the air being sucked from the room.
Helena shifts in her seat. ‘Could I use the bathroom, please?’
Ruth blinks. ‘Sorry,’ she says, as if she’d completely forgotten Helena was there. ‘Of course. You can use the one upstairs so you don’t need to go back into the kitchen.’
I wait for Helena to close the door behind her. ‘I have the missing piece, Ruth.’
47
Ruth
I can’t quite believe that the torn brown envelope Jen hands me contains the missing half of Meg’s note. Not ready to look inside, I hold it with a mixture of fear and reverence, exploring its corners with torn fingernails. ‘How?’ I ask simply.
Jen stares at the envelope rather than my face. ‘Charlie had it.’
My body stiffens. I shake my head but it’s tiny, painful movements. ‘He was there?’
‘I’m not going to defend what he did,’ Jen begins.
As I listen to her explain, the heat of her anger washes over me until I can feel my skin blistering. When she pauses for my response, I turn the envelope over in my hand. ‘What does it say?’
‘You should probably read it for yourself, Ruth,’ Jen says with a kindness that fills me with terror.
‘I will,’ I reply, placing the envelope in my lap. ‘But not yet.’
There are footsteps on the stairs. ‘What should we do?’ Jen asks before Helena returns.
I take a breath as my focus shifts from the past to the future. ‘I need to pack a bag. Once the police are done with me, I’m going to book myself into a hotel. I can’t stay here,’ I reply. It’s not the answer Jen was looking for. She wants to know what we should do about Charlie’s obstruction of justice. The truth is, I don’t know.
‘Would it be OK if I came with you to the hotel?’ she asks. ‘I can’t face going back to the apartment.’
The door opens and Helena looks cautiously at us both.
‘Come and sit back down,’ I tell her as I rise from my chair. The interruption has given me time to decide how to reply to Jen. I don’t want to hide out in a faceless hotel on my own, but I’m certain it won’t be for long once I’ve phoned Sean. I need to be with my family, and so does my niece. Eve wants her daughter back and, whether Jen realises it or not, she needs her mum, not me.
‘If you can’t go home, you should go back to your mum and dad’s. They need to know what’s happening and if it’s not too selfish of me, I’d prefer you to do it.’
‘I dread to think what Mum will have to say. And she’ll do the talking.’
‘Give her a chance, Jen,’ I say. ‘For my sake.’
When I leave the room, my intention is to head straight upstairs but a figure appears in the kitchen doorway. Charlie sees the envelope in my hand and opens his mouth but he doesn’t get the chance to speak. The palm of my hand as it strikes his cheek is hard and unforgiving.
My hand stings as I hurry upstairs. I’ll have to pack some essentials but there’s only one item I’m concerned about taking with me. I go into Meg’s room.
Pulling the memory box from the top shelf, I sit down on one of the princess beds and place the box on the bed opposite. Next to it, I set down the envelope Jen gave me before removing the box lid to find a second envelope. It’s in my hand when there’s a gentle tap on the door.
Lewis steps into the room and removes his baseball cap. ‘Sorry, I had to get out of the kitchen, and I wanted to see if you were OK.’
‘Shouldn’t you be watching Geoff?’
‘I think Charlie can handle him. Geoff’s busy nursing a bottle of whiskey and blaming everyone but himself.’
‘That man’s conscience is bulletproof,’ I say, setting down the envelope I’d taken from the box and lining it up next to its other half.
‘I’d be happy to put it to the test,’ mutters Lewis.
‘No, you wouldn’t.’
Lewis sighs. ‘You’re right. I grew out of playing the gangster a long time ago, although my behaviour since I came back here hasn’t exactly been exemplary.’
‘That was our fault. I imagine you’ve been going through a very tough time, and we made it impossible for you. How is your mum?’
‘Not good. Iona’s gone to the hospice tonight to sit with her. Fortunately, she cares a lot about Mum so we’re putting up a united front for her sake,’ he says. When he sees my brow furrow, he adds, ‘She broke up with me.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I say as I squeeze my eyes shut. I can feel my body shaking with the effort of holding back the first sob. I can’t let it go because I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop. The bed dips as Lewis sits down beside me and I lean against him.
‘Jen mentioned you haven’t read it yet,’ he says. ‘I’m not sure it’s something you should read on your own.’
I peel my eyes open. ‘Is it that bad?’
When Lewis doesn’t reply, my broken heart rends and the pain I’ve carried for Meg all these years floods my body. This is her pain, and there’s nothing I can do to make her better. The last thing she said to me was that she was untouchable. Why didn’t I ask her what she meant? Why couldn’t I offer her an escape from the clutches of her father?
‘Would you mind talking to me a while?’ I ask. ‘I need to fill my head with images of Meg that don’t involve her father.’
‘What do you want to know?’
‘Did you love her?’
‘I must have done, to put up with all those mood swings,’ he says with a wry smile.
‘Sounds familiar.’
‘My best memories of Meg are when we were together in Mum’s old flat. That’s when I saw the real her, not the act she was overplaying in front of Jen and the others. That’s why I didn’t like her hanging out with them. I wasn’t trying to keep her to myself, I was …’ His voice trails off. ‘I thought I was helping her to be her best.’
‘And what was she like in t
hose moments?’
‘Oh, she’d turn up with a dark cloud hanging over her and I’d have to dodge the odd bolt of lightning, but mostly, we’d end up chilling.’ He squirms when he adds, ‘It wasn’t about sex, and with hindsight, I understand why that was. We fooled around like we were still kids. She had the weirdest laugh.’
Clinging to the shreds of Meg’s life that weren’t tainted by Geoff, I force myself to smile. ‘She was always being accused of putting it on, and maybe she did a bit,’ I say as I recall how her cheeks would turn crimson red as she rocked with hysteria. ‘She wouldn’t stop until every last one of us was creased up. I’m glad she felt able to laugh with you, I don’t recall much of that in those last two years. Did she hate me?’
I don’t like the way Lewis glances at the envelope I’ve yet to open. ‘Meg definitely moaned a lot about you, but her feelings were way more complex. There were definitely times when she forgot she was meant to hate you and talked about things you did together – all that family stuff she missed.’
‘After what I’ve heard tonight, it’s hard to remember that there were good times. In that box are all the mementoes I wanted to keep of her but I’m not sure now that I’ve picked the right ones.’
‘Can I?’
Lewis reaches over and looks into the box. When he picks up the heart-shaped pot, I catch a glimpse of the silken colours of Meg’s peacock scarf hiding beneath. I should take both of them out, along with the little silver voile bag containing the party favours Meg and Jen made for the anniversary party.
‘I found the scarf discarded at the back of a drawer,’ I explain. ‘It was the first one I gave Meg. I never knew …’ My words fail me as tears blur my vision.
‘Me neither,’ Lewis says as he pulls another of Meg’s scarves from his pocket. ‘I gave her this on her birthday and she threw it back at me. I didn’t understand at the time but it makes sense now. She was keeping these ones out of reach of Geoff because they were special. As were the people who gave them to her.’
‘I wish I could believe you,’ I whisper as I lean over and pick up the two envelopes. After ten tortuous years, it takes no time at all to bring the two torn edges together. I read Meg’s final message. And then I cry.
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