by Hanna Hart
Phoenix idled in the car, pressing his lips thin and willing Rachel into existence. Surely, if they had any connection, she would know he was there and come out to greet him.
But, of course, she did not come to the door. She did not sense him, just like he didn’t sense her.
Despite his intense desire not to knock on his brother’s door after a year without speaking, he clicked the engine off and took his first step onto the paved driveway.
Phoenix had presented his music to professionals, he’d had his creativity questions and critiqued, and he’d played in front of ten thousand people, but none of those experiences compared to the nerves he felt walking up the steps to Hunter’s front door.
He didn’t text. Didn’t call. He didn’t even know if either of them would be home, but he knew he had to take the chance if he wanted something real with Miranda.
His knuckles hit the front door so softly, he almost hoped they wouldn’t hear it.
There were long panes of glass on either side of the entrance, and Phoenix’s heart skipped when he saw Rachel walking toward the door. She wore jeans and a sweater, and her long dark hair was down in a cascade of waves.
She was absolutely perfect.
His ex hesitated in the hallway, caught by surprise at the sight of him, balancing on one foot.
For a moment, he wondered if she would spin on her heel and ignore him, but his fears were eased when she found her footing and pulled the thick wooden door open.
“Hey,” she said with nervous hesitation. “Are you okay?”
This was not an unusual greeting. Not after everything that had happened between them. It was no surprise that she figured it must have been some kind of family emergency for him to be speaking to her.
Phoenix’s mouth went dry. He was overcome with emotion at the sight of her: fear, pain, love. He went to speak but couldn’t seem to force any words out. He swallowed hard, pulling moisture back into his mouth and said, “I don’t know. I guess I was hoping I could talk to you.”
Rachel’s expression brightened and she stepped back, offering him entry into the house.
He stared at the metal lining between the foyer and the front stairs as though he were standing on a steep precipice. He didn’t move as he said, “Can we talk out here?”
“He isn’t here,” Rachel offered.
Phoenix’s stomach eased with that information. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to walk into the love nest his brother had created with his ex-fiancée.
“I would prefer to talk outside if that’s alright,” he said.
Rachel kept a hand on the door as she said, “It’s just Hunter’s house. We’ve been here a thousand times together.”
“But we’re not together,” he said simply. “Please, can we talk in my car?”
“You’re not going to kidnap me, are you, Phoenix?” she teased, gesturing toward his black SUV.
Phoenix couldn’t help the smirk pulling at the corner of his lip. She was still as charming as ever.
He shook his head, and his ex conceded, slipping on a pair of thick rubber rain boots and pulling her sweater tight as she stepped out onto the porch.
The pair walked down the curved staircase to the driveway in silence and entered his car. Phoenix wrung his hands together and stared out the front window at Hunter’s garage door. It was obvious that he was nervous, but Rachel was as calm as ever.
“I guess congratulations are in order,” he said after moments of agonizing silence.
Rachel spread the fingers on her left hand, toying with her new engagement ring uncomfortably.
“You didn’t seriously come five hundred miles just to say that, did you?” she said with breathy humor.
“Seven hundred miles, actually,” he said and finally looked at her. “I was in California.”
She raised both brows and quipped, “And you just felt like the world’s most random road trip?”
“I walked out on a show, actually.”
She scoffed. “That’s a first.”
Rachel reached across the center console and set her hand on his forearm, squeezing him gently as she said, “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
Phoenix was still having trouble getting his words out. Being around her felt like the strangest mix of bittersweet relief to see her again and strange discomfort to be seeing her as someone other than his girlfriend.
He stayed silent, unsure as usual how to communicate with her.
“I was never really good at that, was I?” he said, then clarified, “Talking to you.”
“Absolutely freaking not,” she smiled.
“You never had that problem with Hunter.”
His ex pulled in a tired breath and said, “Let’s not talk about him.”
Phoenix let out a small, bitter laugh and confessed, “For the longest time, it was all I thought about. ‘How could she do this to me?’ ‘Why were we so easy to give up on?’ But then I realized you gave up because I gave up. Didn’t you?”
Rachel’s expression was soft and sympathetic. Months ago, her understanding would have infuriated him, but he readily accepted it now. He was ready to have the adult conversation they should have had from the moment they broke up.
“We weren’t right for each other,” she explained slowly. “We were together because we needed to be together at the time.”
“To what end?” he asked with a small shrug.
“To learn.”
“Ah,” he said. “And what did you learn?”
Rachel licked her lips, and her brown eyes went skyward. She tilted her head back, staring up through the moonroof of his SUV.
“Do you remember the day my dad left?” she asked. “I came to your house looking for Hunter and—”
“He was out planning your birthday,” he finished.
“Right, and you asked me if I needed to talk.”
Phoenix remembered the day well. It was the day they became “Phoenix and Rachel.”
Her father, a police officer, had been shot while apprehending a murder suspect. After his recovery, he’d left Rachel and her mother for another woman—his partner. He’d taken her to a police monument and tried his best to give her an outsider’s perspective.
“I told you that I couldn’t believe my father left us, and you told me it had nothing to do with me. I said, ‘How could it not?’ or something like that,” she explained. “And you said: ‘When your life flashes before your eyes, every moment becomes precious.’”
“You remember that?”
She smiled. “Of course. Those words changed my life. You told me that the moment you realize how fragile life is, you won’t waste another minute of it living unhappily.”
Phoenix scoffed, moving his arm away from her hand as he said, “So basically I inspired you to leave me.”
Rachel shook her head. “You inspired me to live.”
Phoenix’s eyes trailed across the leather interior of the vehicle until they fixated once more on the ring she wore. It felt strange to see her promised to someone else. She had only ever been his and to imagine her walking down the aisle and going through with marrying someone else—to end their saga so permanently—didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would.
“It wasn’t all bad, was it, Rach?”
“No,” she said. “It wasn’t all bad.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, testing the words on his tongue. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.”
Rachel’s eyes flicked back and forth from his. She must have been surprised because she didn’t respond. Phoenix had never known Rachel to be speechless.
“I should have come home,” he said, pulling a hand up and covering his face with it. “The night you lost the baby, I should have come home.”
Rachel swallowed, and he could feel her whole demeanor stiffen. “Phoenix, we don’t have to keep reliving this.”
“All I did for the last year is relive it,” he said, his words becoming more frantic and laced with emotion as he
stammered, “You were right, Rach. I became this person that I didn’t recognize, and I lost everything to an ego. I lost you, I lost our baby—”
“Don’t say that,” she said harshly, pulling his hand away from his eyes.
“The stress I put you under,” he began, his expression pained. “It was my fault,” he said, his voice croaked through tears, “I know it was.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she said firmly. “It wasn’t anybody’s fault. You could have been working from nine to five and coming home for dinner every night and it would have been the same. It wasn’t my fault; it wasn’t your fault. Please, don’t think that. I don’t.”
He looked at her in surprise. “No?”
“Of course not.”
Silence filled the car once more, and he reached over to hold her hand. Rachel held his cold fingers against hers and then, to his surprise, pulled him into a warm hug. It was awkward over the center console, but he was grateful for it.
When he had driven to Wyoming, he had half expected to end up in a screaming match with Rachel or Hunter. Maybe both. But they had won, hadn’t they? After all, they were in love. They had nothing to be bitter about anymore. They had their ranch and their life.
Phoenix was glad they weren’t fighting, but he hadn’t expected Rachel to be so kind to him after everything they had been through.
“I miss you guys,” he said, surprising himself with the words.
“We miss you, too, Phoenix,” she said, and he shook his head. “We do!” she insisted. “It was always the three of us. We were like the little kids, and you were our protector! I mean, seriously, do you know how hard it is to stay out of trouble without you around to say when something is ridiculous?”
“Like doing a polar swim?” he said with a sad chuckle, reflecting on Hunter and Rachel’s teenage disaster.
Rachel laughed too. “Or pulling out an on-the-spot karaoke machine in the middle of a crowded restaurant?”
He smiled at the memories, then went sullen. “I’ve really needed someone to talk to.”
“Do you think it’s easy for me not to talk to you?” she asked. He wanted to say yes, but she spoke again before he had the chance. “It was hard for me, too. It’s just...weird.”
“About as weird as that ring on your finger,” he said.
She looked down at her hand, then up at him. She tilted her head to the side and softly said, “I can’t apologize for it, Phoenix. I love him.”
“I’m falling in love with someone, too,” he said.
He didn’t mean for it to sound like a competition, and thankfully, it didn’t. Just a quiet admission.
“Miranda,” she said with a nod. The name seemed strange coming off of her lips. “I saw your picture from the awards show. Engaged?”
Phoenix shook his head.
“PR push that?” she asked.
“They thought it would be good for my image to have some stability in my life. She was just this sort of...girlfriend, I guess. Someone to hang out with. But the thing is, I’m falling for her.”
For the smallest moment, Rachel looked unsettled. Then she offered him a small smile and said, “Then I’m happy for you.”
“I’m scared, Rach.”
“Of what?”
“Doing it all over again,” he said, raising a hand to the air. “Falling in love. Getting my heart broken. I’m scared I’m not going to be good enough for her. I don’t want to screw this up.”
“Why would you lose her?” she asked.
“She doesn’t like the lifestyle. She wants to be at the ranch.”
Rachel snorted. “Sounds familiar.”
“Then there’s you.”
“Me?” she repeated in surprise.
“She thinks I’m still in love with you.”
“Well, I am pretty fantastic,” she said with a playful arrogance. “Kidding!” Nudging him, she said, “I am no one she has to be worried about anymore.”
He looked at her and felt a strange sensation wash over him. Was this what closure felt like?
Months ago, hearing her say those words would have scarred Phoenix, but he felt nothing. She was right. Rachel was no one Miranda had to worry about because he didn’t love her anymore. He knew that now.
Phoenix nodded, but said nothing, prompting Rachel to ask, “You know that, right?”
He considered her question. “For a long time, I didn’t. I thought if I could convince you that New York was a misunderstanding and that if I could write you the perfect record, then...” he trailed off into a laugh. “I don’t know? You’d come running to me? It’s stupid. I was just so confused.”
“You did write the perfect record, Phoenix.”
He perked up at this, curiously watching as she slipped her phone out of her back pocket and pulled up her media player. His record was currently on repeat.
“It’s beautiful,” she said. “It’s the best thing you’ve ever done creatively. And if there were any record in the world that could make me see how great we were together, it would be this one. But,” she shrugged.
“I know,” he agreed. “We weren’t meant to be. I was so wrapped up in my misery that, for the longest time, I thought we were soulmates, but I can see the mistakes we made. I could never talk to you, Rach. But you and Hunter, you guys have, like, your own language. You know what each other is thinking without ever saying a word. I spent ten years trying to figure you out, and I’m still lost.”
Rachel didn’t dare touch that subject. Instead, she asked, “And what about Miranda?”
“We talk,” he said. “Really talk. She makes me want to be a better person.”
“So be better,” she said confidently. “You wouldn’t be happy if you gave up what you love, and I mean that about the music and your girl. So, make it work. Convince her you’re in it for the long haul. Find an arrangement that works and enjoy your ranch,” she said, emphasizing her last three words and prompting a smile from him.
“You can do this,” she added. “I promise you.”
Before he had a chance to respond, he heard a loud knock on the driver’s side window that startled him into a jump. He rolled the window down and saw that it was Hunter.
His brother’s hair was short, freshly clipped, and he had a scattering of facial stubble. He wore a thick hoodie sporting his ranch’s logo and no jacket.
For a moment, Phoenix wondered if he was about to have the fight he had been anticipating. He wondered if Hunter would yell or tell him to get off his property, but no, he wasn’t cruel or dismissive. He was just...Hunter.
“Who died?” his brother said with humor, leaning forward to get a better peek into the car.
“Nobody,” Phoenix said. “I came to talk, believe it or not.”
“Oh, geez, I thought you were here because of Mom!”
Phoenix narrowed his brows curiously. “Why would I be here because of Mom?”
“I guess she ‘can’t take Kennedy anymore’ and she’s trying to pawn her off on one of us for the summer,” Hunter said with a mischievous grin. “Let me tell you this right now, she’s not coming here!”
“No,” Phoenix said. “I hadn’t heard that one yet, but I haven’t talked to her in a while, so...”
“Then consider this a head’s up not to answer your phone when she calls,” his brother said with his usual charming banter.
“That’d be the day!” Rachel chimed in. “Mama Brooks would send out a search party if Phoenix ignored her call!”
“There’d be police, an ambulance,” Hunter said quickly.
“Helicopters!” Rachel added.
Hunter snapped his fingers. “Smoke signals!”
Phoenix laughed against his will. He didn’t want to be charmed by the pair, but he couldn’t help himself. His heart wasn’t with Rachel anymore, and while being around the two of them felt strange after not seeing them for so long, it also felt right. They were meant for each other; even he could see that.
“Hey, you wanna come in?” Hunter aske
d. His tone was even, but Phoenix could see his expression was laced with excitement.
“No, it’s fine,” he said, gesturing toward the clock on the dashboard. “I have to get going.”
Without a doubt, Hunter looked disappointed. “One drink,” his brother offered.
Phoenix looked at his little brother—the sibling he had loved so dearly and then hated so deeply—and then felt the anger he once held in his soul wash away like melting ice, slow but sure.
“Yeah,” he said slowly. “Alright, Hunter. One drink.”
Chapter Eighteen
Miranda
Miranda was in a panic.
She hadn’t seen Phoenix since he left for California days ago, and one of his team members had called her and asked if she had heard from him.
She texted him and asked where he was, and he responded almost immediately.
“Just clearing my head,” he texted.
“John says you bailed on a show?”
Again, he responded quickly, “Bailed on the last two songs. I needed to think. I'll be on the road. Ditched my flight and I'm driving back. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” she said eagerly.
She expected him home the next day, but after three had passed, she started to get worried. Did he binge alcohol and go on some sort of bender? Did she depress him, and he'd changed his mind about being with her? Did he get into an accident?
These worries plagued her thoughts, but every time she called or texted, he was always available. He was pleasant and loving over the phone, though their chats weren't long. Whenever she would ask him something deep or important, he would only say that they would talk when he got home.
She told Phoenix she needed time to think, and that was exactly what she had been doing since he left. She thought about what life would be like without him and considered what her life would be like if they stayed together.
Her life would be invaded, was the answer she kept coming to. People would want to know about her life, her family, her screwed-up background. They would constantly compare her to other women who had been in Phoenix's life. They would make it impossible to enjoy a meal at a restaurant; they would make up rumors about her love life that would irritate her to no end.