by Neil LaBute
MAN Right! Thought I was bad …
WOMAN Uh-huh. Forgive me … comes from being around a two-year-old.
MAN Yours?
WOMAN Of course … a boy.
MAN No, I didn’t mean like you stole him or anything, just … you could be a teacher, for all I know.
WOMAN Well, that’s true. I’m not, but I could be … could’ve been a lot of things, but I’m the mother of a great little two-year-old.
MAN … plus, a wife.
WOMAN Yeah. That, too.
MAN And married a mutel Not many people can claim that …
That laugh again from the WOMAN. The MAN laughs, too. Lots of laughs from these two.
WOMAN No, guess not! Not very loudly, anyway … (Beat.) Get it? If I was mute, I couldn’t … forget it.
MAN I never said you were mute.
WOMAN That’s true. Sorry.
MAN I said you married a mute … as far as I’m concerned, you’re perfect.
Big pause right here—some cards have just been thrown on the table. The WOMAN is about to respond, thinks better of it, then looks in the little envelope and counts her keys.
WOMAN Anyway … we’ve got this thing, this space over the second garage, and we fixed it up. To rent.
MAN … nice. Yeah, I’m looking for a place myself. (Beat.) So … two garages, huh?
WOMAN Uh-huh. He calls it a guest house, but it’s really just a bonus room that we … Anyway, it’s nice.
MAN Sounds good. I mean … complicated.
WOMAN Yeah, my husband just up and … hey, whatever. It’ll be fine. (Beat.) So, it was great to see you.
MAN You, too. Seriously.
WOMAN Yeah, definitely. It definitely was …
MAN Well, good. Yeah. So … take care.
WOMAN And you, too! Yeah, you should as well. Ummm …
MAN Okay. O-kay. (Beat.) So, maybe I’ll see you at the strip mall, or …
WOMAN … I’m hardly ever over that way.
MAN I was kidding.
WOMAN Oh. All right. Because … no, I just thought that’d be nice. To see you again. At the Wal-Mart there, or …
MAN … Shoe Carnival …
WOMAN Exactly! That would make me happy. To do that. And there’s one of those over there, too, so …
MAN Well, we’re damn near obligated, then, aren’t we? (laughs) I mean, we could … we can make that happen, I suppose. A strip mall rendezvous. (Beat.) I’m generally pretty free in the daytime …
WOMAN So, later’d be bad? Just so I know, because …
MAN No, I was gonna say, followed by evenings full of nothing to do. My nights, of course, are absolutely open …
An ease between them is starting to build. It feels nice, even from way over here. Comfortable.
WOMAN I can always get a sitter. If I need to. My mom or whomever …
MAN No, we don’t have to make it too late … whatever works for you.
WOMAN Or my husband could watch him. Cody.
MAN That’s cute. Isn’t that a really popular kid’s name? Cody.
WOMAN I guess so, but no, that’s, no … my son’s name is Ralph. Cody’s his dad. That’s his name …
MAN Huh. Ralph. Well, equally sweet.
WOMAN Not really, come on … be honest.
MAN Seriously?
WOMAN Sure, why not? People should be honest with each other … every twelve years or so.
MAN Okay, good … that’s really hideous. For a child, I mean.
WOMAN Yeah, I know. (Beat.) It’s his dad’s name. Middle name, really. One of those family thingies, you know …
MAN … in which you had no say.
WOMAN You must be a great lawyer.
MAN Ex-lawyer,
WOMAN Right …
MAN … and I was only fair at it. Just average. (Beat.) The Ralph thing was kinda easy.
WOMAN Really?
MAN Yeah … I mean, with a dad named Cody.
WOMAN Well, what can you expect from a mute, right?
This time it’s the MAN who laughs first. Quite happily. I’m starting to have high hopes for these two.
MAN … I knew a Cody in school. Our school. That guy who ran track … the runner.
WOMAN Me, too. I mean … still do.
The MAN stops in his tracks—well, he’s not really moving, but if he were, he’d be stopped in his tracks. He processes.
MAN … oh. That’s right, I remember you guys were … so, you married Cody Phipps?
WOMAN That’s me …
MAN Belinda Phipps. Huh. Geez.
WOMAN Wow … you pronounce it like a death sentence.
MAN Is it?
WOMAN Umm, no, not really … it’s probably pretty regular. As marriages go.
MAN Great …
WOMAN … didn’t say it was that. No, it’s just …
MAN … regular.
WOMAN Yep.
MAN Cody Phipps. That’s … wild.
WOMAN Why? (a bit defensive) How so?
MAN Just, you know … I dunno. Well, he was a talker, for one thing. In, like, gym … you couldn’t shut the guy up! So, when you said …
WOMAN Yeah, well, he got a lot quieter …
MAN Huh. I guess we all do, though. People tend to, in life …
WOMAN Uh-huh. He got a lot a lot quieter.
MAN I see. (checks watch) Hey, you know what? I need to, umm …
WOMAN God, I’m sorry, listen to me … who cares, right?
MAN No, it’s not that, promise. (Beat.) I have to pick up some dry cleaning in a minute, that’s all … I’ve got an interview or two this week, so I need …
WOMAN ’Kay. Anyway … great to see you.
MAN You, too. Honestly. You look—
WOMAN Don’t say it! It’ll never be right.
MAN Okay. But you do … seriously.
WOMAN Thank you. You, too.
MAN … so, Shoe Carnival it is, then?
WOMAN Absolutely! When?
MAN Anytime.
WOMAN Ahhh, this week. (Beat.) Ralph needs some new sandals …
MAN Got it. How about tomorrow, one-thirty?
WOMAN Great! Okay then … bye.
MAN Bye. And say hi to, you know …
WOMAN “Flyin’” Cody Phipps …
MAN Yep. That’s the guy!
WOMAN I will. See you …
MAN Goodbye, Mrs. Phipps …
A last hug—and it’s a nice one. The WOMAN is gone, and those Sears lights fade. The MAN wanders back to his first spot.
MAN Cody Phipps. Ho-ly shit … I mean, you know, come on. Come on! I can’t believe she went and … no, that’s not true. I guess you can believe whatever happens in lifethere’s actually very little that is unbelievable. And I’d heard that they were … but that’s way out there. Cody Phipps. Not that he wasn’t, you know, popular and stuff, or goodlooking, that type of thing … and that dude could run! Damn, could he … He was amazing. Not fast, not so much that, like a lotta those guys are … he didn’t sprint or anything. No, Cody did all the distances. He would kill you in the long haul, just totally wear you down, then fly right past you … 800. 1,200. The 1,500. Cross-country in the fall, which sorta pissed people off because he was great at football, too, but nothing he liked more than running. (Beat.) Suppose he still is … a runner, I mean. When you like something, a sport, or do a pastime like that, you hardly ever just give it up. Forget about it.
The lights change to some sort of restaurant. Now there are a table and some chairs—I didn’t even notice them before.
MAN Why don’t we just go meet the guy? Save a little time. You know, I could talk all night or however long we’re gonna be here about Cody Phipps—longer about Belinda—but if we were to meet him, just take a second and get acquainted … I think it’d start to help pull this thing all together for you. Okay? Cool …
The MAN walks over to one of the chairs, sits. Not long after ANOTHER MAN walks in. About the same age. A black guy. He motions toward a WAITRESS in
the distance.
MAN … hello, Cody. (signals) Cody?
CODY Right. Hey, how’s It going? Nice to see you. Belinda’s coming.
MAN Good, ’cause I was gonna—
CODY I mean, she’s right behind me.
MAN Great.
And like the MAN says, here she comes. BELINDA. Looking nice, even better than before. More put together. A smile for both men. The marrieds sit down together.
CODY … so. Hey.
MAN Yeah, hello. Again.
WOMAN Hi. Glad the timing all worked out for us to … (to CODY) I told you he looks different. Doesn’t he?
CODY I guess. I don’t really remember you that much. I mean, from class.
MAN Thanks.
CODY No, man, no offense, I just don’t. Not anybody from then, really, even though we still live here …
MAN That’s all right. ’S the privilege of being rich …
CODY smiles at this—an easy smile. He doesn’t mind being called that. Some things he doesn’t like, but this is okay.
CODY Nah, hey, we’re not rich, we just, you know … take advantage of the ignorant middle class, that’s all! (Beat.) ’S true … take away all the Ralph Lauren and shit, they’d only be hardware stores.
WOMAN … comfortable. That’s what we are.
MAN Huh. Anyhow, I do look different.
WOMAN You really do.
CODY You’re not so fat, right?
Silence. Then the MAN bursts out laughing—the WOMAN turns white. Whiter than she already is.
WOMAN Cody …
CODY What? That’s it, isn’t it? What’s the matter with the truth?
MAN No, you’re right, that’s pretty much it. I was fatter.
CODY ’S my point. No big deal.
MAN Very true. (to the WOMAN) I thought you said the guy didn’t talk much.
Another silence. The MAN means it as a joke, but it obviously stings. The marrieds glance at each other.
WOMAN I just meant that … you know …
CODY You say that?
WOMAN I wasn’t … we were talking about school and all, and I …
CODY Shit. (to the MAN) I talk. I just don’t overtalk …
MAN Got it. See, now, this is the Cody I remember. He always had plenty to say …
CODY Still do, man. I always do. Just say it in my own time …
On that, CODY raises a hand to try and catch the eye of the passing WAITRESS. She doesn’t even pause. CODY nods, turns back to the others.
CODY … somebody else might as well try it, ‘cause she ain’t coming over here for me. (Beat.) Doesn’t matter how many shops I open in the area, I’m flat outta luck when it comes to gettin’ some service …
WOMAN Honey, I don’t think she saw you.
CODY ’Course she did. She totally saw me. My hand in the air, like a schoolboy or something …
MAN Nah … I think this place always had bad service.
CODY Yeah? When’d you eat here last?
MAN Good point. A decade or so …
WOMAN It’s okay, I can …
The WOMAN starts to stand, gets to her feet even, before CODY places a hand on her wrist. A firm hand.
CODY: Just sit. You don’t have to do that, go begging …
WOMAN I’m not, I’m just going to …
CODY Sit. Jesus, just when she comes by again, keep an eye out. Okay?
WOMAN Sure.
The WOMAN sits again. Settles herself. A quick glance over at the MAN.
MAN I can go order us all something at the bar, if you guys want …
CODY No need. She’ll be back … (smiles) That’s the thing about women, they always come back. Mostly.
MAN That’s a lovely sentiment …
CODY What?
MAN … nothing. I was kidding.
CODY I wasn’t being sentimental. It’s true, is all. Women do all kinds of shit, but they usually come back.
WOMAN Honey, why don’t we … ?
MAN Like Lassie, you mean?
CODY Huh?
MAN Sorry. Another joke … Lassie was famous for getting home. Returning. I think they even made a movie of it. Lassie Come Home or something. And she was a woman … or female dog, anyway.
CODY … a bitch.
MAN Well, yeah, technically.
WOMAN Sweetie …
CODY What? That’s what they’re called.
WOMAN I know, but … people are …
CODY It’s just a word. What’s wrong with that? Words only have power if you let ’em …
MAN Good point. Right.
The WAITRESS is moving past again. The MAN practically stands up to get her attention. She stops at the table.
MAN … hi there. Hey. Could we get, umm, well, just a Coke for me, no ice. And … ?
WOMAN I’d take a lemonade, if that’s okay.
CODY ’Course it’s okay, we’re gonna pay for it, aren’t we? (to WAITRESS) And now that you’re here … water.
She nods and wanders off toward the kitchen. Well, backstage, actually, but we’ll pretend there’s a kitchen.
MAN … I think you made a friend.
CODY Shit …
WOMAN That’s all Cody drinks is water. Ever since I’ve known him.
MAN Yeah?
CODY Pretty much. ’S good stuff. “Pure. Clean. Feeds the machine.” That’s what my dad told me, anyway …
MAN … and It rhymes, which is cool.
CODY You’re kind of a smart-ass, aren’t ya? Like, a jokester.
MAN Just a little bit.
CODY I think I do remember you now. We had P.E. together or something … traded a few rookie cards once.
MAN Yep. That’s right.
CODY You could play a little dodgeball, but that was about it …
MAN And “a little” would be stretching it.
CODY You were okay, for a big kid. Hard as shit to hit, most times …
MAN … it was just fear. Purely fear.
CODY ’S a good game, dodgeball. Yeah.
WOMAN We never played it … I mean, over on the girls’ side of the gym. I think we did a gymnastics unit at that point, or maybe volleyball …
MAN Huh.
A silence seeps into the proceedings. Smiles between the MAN and WOMAN. CODY looks around for the drinks.
MAN … so, Cody, you still a runner?
CODY Yep. Every day.
MAN Great.
WOMAN Ten miles …
CODY Not always. Sometimes I gotta get into the office early, but usually I can burn up ten by breakfast.
MAN Wow. That’s … I mean, I started jogging a little, in the service, but you know, like, two, maybe two and a half’s all.
CODY Hardly break a sweat like thatl Not even burning calories till around forty-five minutes …
MAN Yeah, but I just do it for fun.
CODY Fun?
MAN Sort of. Got hooked on it … (Beat.) We should go sometime.
CODY … I don’t do nothing for fun.
WOMAN Cody, come on … (to the MAN) That is not true. He’s …
CODY What? What do I do that’s fun … or “for” fun?
WOMAN Umm … oh, you know. Just stuff. All people have fun.
MAN I do.
CODY Well, then, we’re different people, aren’t we?
MAN That is true.
WOMAN Ahhh … you help out at the school. With track. That’s fun, isn’t it?
CODY Yeah, but it’s … no. It’s helping out. I mean, yes, I like it, but I don’t do it for fun. I coach a few runners, that’s not, like, some big hobby or anything …
MAN That’s great. Give a little back …
CODY … that would imply that they gave me something in the first place.
MAN Touché.
The two men look at each other—a smile between them. It’s one of those guy things; better just leave it be.
WOMAN What about your golf?
CODY Please … that’s business. I do that ’cause these Midwestern d
udes love it, so out I go … once they let me on the course, I mean.
CODY seems happy to pursue this subject when the WAITRESS returns, dropping off the drinks. Not a word out of her.
MAN … she seems very sweet.
WOMAN Right! (laughs) A lovely young woman.
CODY Yeah, de-light-ful.
The MAN smiles at this and takes a sip. So does the WOMAN, CODY looks around the restaurant as the MAN suddenly stands.
MAN … I think this is Diet. Lemme run it up front, it’ll be faster.
CODY Give ’em hell …
MAN Yep, that’s me. The Hellraiser … (gestures) If my head was shaved, you could see the pins and everything! (Beat.) You know, the movie with the guy who’s all … I’ll be right back.
The MAN smiles and moves back into his original light. Looks out at us.
MAN … I gotta be honest. That was a total line I just threw out there, the Diet Coke thing. Yeah. See, I thought it was getting a little bit uncomfortable, didn’t you? Uh-huh. Kind of, anyway. So I just wanted to take a sec and regroup here …
The MAN looks back over at CODY and the WOMAN. They sit in silence, maybe a perfunctory word or two.
MAN Is it me, or does he seem a little pissed off? I totally get that vibe from him. Pissed right off about something. (Beat.) He didn’t always use to be that way, not when I knew him, anyhow. Not that we were, like, tight or anything. Best buds. But I knew him enough … enough to say that much about him, and he never seemed so keyed up like this. I mean, maybe after his mom left, for a while there he was kinda … you know. How you get when that sort of thing happens. You’re just cruising along and then, wham! Life gets, like, all shitty. Matter of minutes … I think that’s what happened to him. And, thing is, she’d do it about every other month. Plus there’s the whole race thing … not that he made a huge deal about it at school, but yeah, he pulled that card out a few times back then. Just once or twice a day! Nobody really called him on it, but it was completely obvious when he’d do it. School lunch line, picking teams for gym, when some girl or other wouldn’t go out with him … like, whenever he needed some excuse, basically. We used to call it the ol’ “Ace ‘a Spades.” I mean, not to his face, God no, you kidding? Cody was, well, you know … kinda fierce. Pretty serious when he wanted to be, so no. We’d say it when we were alone, just a few of the guys. Say, like, “Hey, Cody just whipped out the Ace ‘a Spades.” And that’s when somebody’d say, one of my friends would … “Just gotta call a spade a spade.” (smiles) We were only just joking, but it was pretty funny. At the time …