by Andrew Grey
Neither of them talked very much along the way. It wasn’t a particularly long drive from Whitefish Bay to Shorewood. Malcolm knew he should say something, but he wasn’t sure what. Hans had surprised him with the kiss. But it was only a kiss, and he was an adult. He certainly should have been able to deal with it.
Too soon Malcolm pulled into Hans’s driveway. He definitely should say something. The silence had gone way past comfortable. Malcolm pulled to a stop and turned to Hans, who opened his door, the cold air surging inside.
“I had a nice time this evening. I hope your arm is okay.” Hans got out of the car. “I’ll see you later.” He closed the door, and Malcolm watched as Hans hurried inside. The lights came on in the living room, and Malcolm pulled out of the drive and began the journey home.
When he got there, Malcolm went right upstairs and undressed, hung up his tuxedo, and then went through his nightly routine before climbing into bed. He knew he’d overreacted, but he wasn’t ready to be kissing anyone other than David.
His phone vibrated, and Malcolm checked it, answering the call when he saw it was Peter.
“So how did it go?” Peter asked.
“You really are worse than Mom ever was.”
“Don’t give me that. How did it go? Is he still there? I don’t want details, but did you have a good evening or a world-shattering evening?”
“Good Lord,” Malcolm groaned.
“That bad?”
“It was a nice evening, and I got back a little while ago from dropping Hans off at his house.”
“Okay, what happened?” Peter asked. “Come on. You wouldn’t be pissy if it had gone perfectly, so what happened? Did he burp or say something stupid?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“He kissed me.”
Silence on the other side of the line. “Okay. That’s bad?”
“I’m not ready. I knew this was a bad idea.” Malcolm wanted to hang up and go to bed.
“It was a great idea, and he kissed you. That’s good.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Malcolm protested.
“Why?” Peter asked immediately, and the line grew quiet. Malcolm knew Peter was waiting for an answer. “I can wait here all night if I have to.”
“Because I liked it,” Malcolm whispered and clamped his eyes closed. “I liked that he kissed me. It’s been a long time, and maybe I’m just lonely, but I miss David, and I’m tired of spending all my time sitting in this house looking at what’s left of the life we had together.” Malcolm got up and began to pace the room, ignoring the chill.
“What did you do?” Peter asked.
“I freaked out like some vestal virgin and took him home. Now I think I messed things up permanently.”
“If you aren’t ready for that sort of thing, then maybe that’s for the best. I’m sorry I pushed you so hard. Maybe you were right and I should have left you alone.”
Malcolm knew that act. He’d been to that little play more times than he could count, and he wasn’t going to bite. “Don’t be passive-aggressive. You don’t do it as well as you used to.”
“Fine. It was only a kiss, and one that you said you liked.” Peter paused for a second. “Are you sure this isn’t just guilt? You kissed Hans, and now you’re feeling guilty out of some misplaced sense that you’re somehow cheating on David? Because if you are, I’m going to fly back to town and smack you on the side of the head. I liked David. He was a great brother-in-law. Hell, there were times when I liked him more than I liked you. But I know he’d be angry as hell if you hung on like that. David was fun, and he’d want you to go on living… and you did, for once.”
“Okay, okay,” Malcolm said. “What do I do now?”
“How should I know? If you want, I can put Susan on. She’s great with stuff like that.”
“No. I’ll figure it out myself. Thanks for listening.”
“No problem, Mal. Now go to bed and get some rest.” They said good night, and Malcolm ended the call, suddenly feeling every chill in the room. He climbed under the covers and pulled them up around his neck, rolling onto his side, willing the sheets to warm.
He wasn’t any closer to answers an hour later, but he did feel better and had resolved to talk to Hans, if he’d take his calls. Maybe they could be friends. He needed some of those, and Hans had already seen him at his hot-and-cold worst. The only flaw in that plan seemed to be the fact that his lips still tingled when he thought about that kiss.
Chapter 4
“MORNING, MALCOLM,” Jane said when he arrived at the office. She had his calendar and coffee ready, just as she usually did. “How was the dinner?”
“It was nice. You should have gone.” He had offered to get her a pair of tickets. Malcolm gingerly set down his case. He was still babying his bruised arm a little.
“Why are you holding your arm that way?” she asked as Malcolm sat down.
“I got punched protecting Gary from an enraged boyfriend.” He settled in his chair and got comfortable.
“Is that why you look like crap?” She stepped forward and began fussing with his tie.
“Okay, I’ll give you the condensed version. I had fun. Hans and I danced. It was nice. I stepped in to break up a fight between Gary and his date’s boyfriend and took the punch. My shoulder is bruised, and it hurts. We left after that. At my house Hans kissed me, but I freaked, so I doubt he’s going to want to see me anymore. I feel like an idiot, and now I’m going to have to deal with the fallout of Gary’s bad behavior.” Malcolm glared at Jane. “And so help me, if any of this makes it to the office gossip mill through you, I will personally see that you get reassigned as Gary’s assistant.”
“Jesus. It was that bad?”
Malcolm groaned as he slowly began to type.
“What can I do to help?”
“Nothing, unless you have a way to make me feel less stupid for freaking out about a kiss.” He didn’t look up from his screen. “I don’t know why I’m talking to you about this.”
“Because you need someone to listen, and shame on you, Malcolm. I never spread rumors—you know that.”
She stormed out of the office, and Malcolm sighed. He felt like total crap, so he figured he might as well spread the fucking love. He got to work in peace for fifteen minutes until Jane whirlwinded back in.
“Okay. Your first appointment is in ten minutes, and here….” She plopped a small catalog on the desk and opened it. “I suggest these. They’re nice for an apology and don’t look too girly.”
“Flowers?” Malcolm looked at the catalog and then up at her.
Jane rolled her eyes. “Yes. You like him, don’t you?” She continued without waiting for his answer. “If you do, then….” She stabbed the catalog. “When a man has been an ass, he shall send flowers. It’s like the twelfth commandment. The eleventh is ‘don’t be an ass.’” She set the file on his desk as well and once again left the office.
Malcolm shook his head and picked up the phone. He ended up sending two arrangements, one to Hans and the other to Jane. He desperately needed her on his side, and he hated when she was angry with him.
His first appointment arrived, and he started his day, grateful that the office was quiet. In fact, it was the kind of quiet that couldn’t last, like the few seconds of silence before a bomb goes off, but thankfully it lasted until an hour before he was set to leave.
MALCOLM GOT home very late that night, dragging himself into the house. Once inside, he sat on the sofa and nearly fell asleep right there. Only his phone vibrating insistently kept him from falling asleep. “Hello.”
“Malcolm? You sound tired. I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“It’s all right, Hans. I just got home from the office. It was one hell of a day.”
“The fallout from the party?” Hans asked.
“Yeah, and it was worse than I could ever have imagined.” Malcolm breathed deeply, trying to take in all that had happened. “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to h
andle all this.” He began to shake a little.
“I called because I got the flowers you sent. That was very thoughtful of you.”
Malcolm was too tired and turned around to really think very clearly at the moment. He kept inhaling deeply, but he couldn’t get enough oxygen, so he inhaled again and again. “Sorry,” he gasped. “I’m having….”
“You’re hyperventilating. Grab a paper bag and breathe into it,” Hans said.
“I need to go,” Malcolm gasped and hung up. He continued breathing erratically and stood up, trying to get to the kitchen. His thinking was muddled, but he managed to get to the closet and grab a paper bag. He crumpled the opening and put it over his mouth.
The crinkling filled his ears as the bag contracted and inflated. After a few minutes he began feeling better and went back into the living room. He sat down and tried to clear his mind. Worrying and fretting wouldn’t change anything.
Malcolm jumped at the doorbell and got up, still carrying the bag in case the panic returned. He opened the door, and Hans raced inside.
“Are you all right?” Hans asked.
“Yes,” Malcolm answered. “What are you doing here?”
Hans looked at him like he was from outer space. “You had some sort of attack while we were on the phone, and you expect me to stay home and wonder if you’re okay? I’m only two miles away, and I was lucky there were no cops.” Hans took off his coat and took Malcolm’s arm. “Go on in and sit down. I’ll make some tea.”
“Tea?” He wanted something stronger, but he figured Hans would fight him on it. Malcolm wasn’t even sure if he had any tea in the cupboards. He never drank it. David had been a huge tea aficionado and kept an entire cupboard with all his blends. Malcolm had given it away a few months ago. Clearing out that cupboard had been more difficult than packing up David’s clothes. “I can make coffee,” Malcolm offered.
“I found what I was looking for,” Hans called back, and Malcolm settled in his seat.
If Hans wanted to try to help, he wasn’t going to fight it. It seemed he’d been fighting too many battles, and it was catching up with him. Malcolm waited, and Hans came in with two mugs and handed him one before sitting next to him on the sofa.
Malcolm tried very hard not to follow the denim that encased Hans’s legs up his thighs and then…. He swallowed and took a sip of the tea and nearly choked, coughing as he set the mug on the table. “I guess drinking anything isn’t a good idea right now.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Hans asked. “Was it what you thought?”
“It was that and worse. We called a partners’ meeting, and two of the other partners asked Gary to step down. He refused because his self-identity is totally wrapped up in his job. So then they informed him that enough of the partners agreed that they have lost confidence in his leadership, and that they were prepared to force him to step down. This time Carolyn stepped in, and in the end she sided with them.”
“What about you?” Hans asked.
“I stayed out of it. They didn’t need me to add gasoline to the fire. Finally Gary agreed to step down, and then he resigned from the firm. Not that we’re going to lose a great deal, because his client base is the smallest of any of us. The office is going to be in a tailspin for days after this, though.” Malcolm sighed. “Then the other three turned to me, expecting I’d step up and take the job.”
“Did you?”
“For the good of the firm, I did. So now I’m the managing partner. I have a full client load, and everyone in the entire office is going to come to me with their problems. I don’t know how I can do all this and remain sane. Gary asked his assistant to go with him, but Ellen declined. I guess that told us a lot about how he was to work for, but I don’t have a position for her. And tomorrow I have the honor of explaining all of this to the staff so that we can get back to business as quickly as possible.”
“All right. I know you’re overwhelmed, but you already know what you need to do.”
“Enlighten me. My brain is completely dead at the moment.”
“Well, as for Ellen, have her work for you. Let her manage the senior-partner portion of your job, and have Jane continue to manage your caseload like she does now. If you’re going to do both jobs, then have the right help to do them. As for addressing the office, pretend it’s court and give one hell of a summation. And you have room for a new partner, so decide who you want that to be. Advancement within the firm is always positive, isn’t it?”
“I suppose.” He hadn’t really had a chance to think about it. David was always the one he could talk things over with, and when all this had happened, he’d missed him something terrible. His first instinct, even after all this time, had been to reach for the phone. The bad thing was that he still had David’s number programmed into it, and he had nearly dialed it.
“You can do this. I know you have good role models you can draw on, and after what you said Gary did, you know what not to do.”
“I know.” The honest answer was that before David had gotten sick, Malcolm would have jumped at this chance. It would be a challenge, and at that time he would have reveled in the opportunities. Now, he…. God, he didn’t know what he was or who he’d turned into. “I hate running away.”
“And that’s what you feel you’re doing?” Hans asked.
“I don’t know. I used to want this, and now…. All I want is to have my life quiet and settled. I’ve been told I’m acting like a turtle and that it’s time to come out of my shell.” Malcolm picked up his mug and sipped some tea. This time it went down smoothly and warmed him from the inside.
“Maybe it is. But that’s for you to decide, not anyone else. I know your partners have forced you out of your shell a little by pushing this senior partner position on you, but do you honestly think you can’t do this job well?”
“I know I can,” Malcolm said.
“Then don’t worry about it and enjoy it. This is a challenge for you, and maybe that’s what you need right now, something different to occupy your mind and give you a new direction.”
Malcolm knew Hans was right. He did need something to snap him out of the rut he’d been in for months. He’d just been getting by, doing his job and trying to keep the ache and pain of loss at bay.
“And for what it’s worth, I know I pushed you too quickly and got carried away before. I really do appreciate the flowers and the sentiment behind them, but what happened wasn’t your fault—it was mine.”
Hans was definitely sincere, but the way he looked at Malcolm sent heat racing through him. Malcolm wished like hell he could figure out what it was. He kept thinking it was Hans’s eyes. They always reminded him of David. But that wasn’t it. There was something more pulling him to Hans.
“No, it wasn’t. You kissed me, and it was a nice kiss.” Damn, he could feel his cheeks heating up, and as much as he wanted to turn away from Hans, he couldn’t.
“I think it was a little more than nice.” Hans grinned slyly, and Malcolm knew Hans had seen his reaction. “In fact, I can tell you’re thinking about it right now.”
“I thought you were going to give me some time,” Malcolm said and then swallowed hard. Hans hadn’t moved, but Malcolm sure wished he would. He’d already told himself that if Hans kissed him again, he wouldn’t balk or run. He wanted to be touched and held. Yes, Hans wasn’t David, but he could accept that. Maybe it was time he began moving on. The notion chilled him but couldn’t compete with the way Hans stoked fires Malcolm had thought were long dead.
“Is that what you really want? I can give you time and distance. But in my books, and I think this applies here as well, sometimes I like to shock my characters and give them the one thing they think they don’t need, but deep down they know it’s the one thing they want more than anything.”
“I don’t understand a thing you just said.” Malcolm smiled nervously, afraid to look away. Whatever was happening between them had his palms sweating and his heart racing. His breathing grew
more rapid, and he wondered if he needed the paper bag again, but the panic from earlier didn’t rise again. Instead, in its place there was heat and a touch of fear.
“That’s okay. You don’t have to.”
Hans slid closer on the sofa and lifted his hand slowly. It was like he was afraid any fast movement might spook Malcolm. When Hans made contact with the base of Malcolm’s neck, he stiffened slightly and then eased into the caress. Hans cupped the back of his neck, strengthening his hold and then drawing Malcolm closer.
“I’m going to try this again. You’ve been sending me mixed signals. If you don’t want me to continue, say something now.”
Malcolm held his breath and said nothing. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell him yes, but he certainly wasn’t going to tell Hans no for a second time. His heart raced too fast, and his left foot bounced on the floor. Finally he nodded, and Hans closed the distance between them.
The kiss was soft at first but deepened quickly. Malcolm closed his eyes and floated on the touch for a few seconds before slamming back to earth with a body-shuddering jolt of lust and desire. The heat that had been simmering now bubbled over. Malcolm slowly encircled Hans with his arms. His aches and grief eased along with his worries, replaced by something much more basic.
Malcolm felt alive. When Hans pulled away for a second, he wondered what was wrong, but Hans surged back, nibbling at his upper lip and firmly caressing the back of his neck. Malcolm was being kissed, thoroughly, deeply, and even though Hans was only touching him in two places, he felt it from head to toe. Every nerve was on fire, and yet Malcolm held back for another few seconds before tightening his hold and bringing Hans even closer, melding their body heat to a near inferno. He hadn’t felt anything like this for a long time, and damn if it didn’t drive him nearly wild.