by Andrew Grey
Malcolm dared a glance at Hans, and his chest clenched at the way he sat, hunched on the seat, a finger between his lips, probably biting his nails. Malcolm touched his arm, and Hans lowered his hand to the armrest between them. Malcolm held it, entwining their fingers. He didn’t want Hans to feel alone.
Once they reached the restaurant, they found it busy, but they were able to get a table in the bar. “What would you like?” Malcolm asked.
“I’m not hungry,” Hans whispered just loudly enough that Malcolm could hear him over the din. Malcolm opened the menu and ordered what he remembered Hans had had the last time and then got something for himself.
“You have to eat.” Malcolm knew some of Hans’s mood was his fault, and he wanted to dispel it, but his own fear stood right in the way like a twelve-foot stone garden wall. “So Monday you go in for surgery. Did they leave any specific instructions for preparation?”
“I can’t eat after 6:00 p.m. on Sunday, and I’m to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m.”
“All right.” Malcolm excused himself to go to the bathroom and stepped around the corner. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.
“Malcolm,” Jane said when she answered the call. “What exploded?”
Malcolm wished he’d given a little more thought to what he was going to say. “I need to be out of the office on Monday. Please clear my day as best you can.”
“Just a minute,” Jane said, and Malcolm waited. “Okay. I’m somewhere quiet. I’ll check your schedule in the morning and can easily clear any internal meetings. Then I’ll start contacting clients to reschedule.” She was clearly waiting for an explanation. “Should I contact you on your cell?”
“You can try. But cell service will be spotty at best.”
“Why, are you going into the hospital?”
Damn, nothing got by her. He should have known.
“I’ll be sitting with a friend.” That was all he could tell her. Hans’s health issue was not his to talk about. “I’ll call you when I can.”
“All right. I hope your friend comes through well and everything is all right.”
“Me too,” Malcolm said. He ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket before using the bathroom and then returning to the table. “I called Jane and had her clear my schedule on Monday. I’ll take you to the hospital and sit with you while you’re there.”
“You don’t have to do that. I can manage to get myself there. They said they’d probably keep me overnight and then send me home. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal.” Hans was making light of it, but the darkness in his eyes spoke of his worry.
Malcolm didn’t argue. It wouldn’t do any good at the moment. He intended to take Hans in and stay with him, and that was that. He’d been through this before—he knew what to expect—and he wasn’t going to let Hans do it alone.
“You run hot and cold sometimes,” Hans said after a few minutes. “You say you’re going to be there, and yet I can feel you pulling away from me. You cleared your schedule on Monday so you could be with me at the hospital, and yet you don’t know if you can go through this again. I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I,” Malcolm said. “You’re just going to have to give me a little time too. Your news has thrown me back into everything I went through with David.”
“But you said you’d do it all over again.”
“Yeah, I did, and I would.” It was strange the way that simple statement pulled him in two directions. The real question was, would he do it all over again, but with Hans? With David, the love of his life, yes, he’d do it again. He’d go through hell so they could have the nearly twenty amazing years they’d had together. And yes, he’d give anything to have those twenty years back, even knowing how they ended. But with Hans there was so little history and…. He was being a dick. The unsaid question was written all over Hans’s face, and Malcolm wished like hell he had an answer for him.
The server brought their food, and it drew Hans’s attention away from him. This whole situation was almost overwhelming, and Malcolm needed a little time to think, but he doubted he was going to get it. Hans needed someone, that Malcolm knew without a doubt, and Hans had come to him. Malcolm knew he wouldn’t turn his back on him. But all that kept running through his head were the months of chemotherapy and treatment, the way David had slowly wasted away. The crying in the middle of the night from the pain. That was what he was afraid of. All of that had ripped Malcolm’s heart out and left him feeling completely useless. He’d been unable to do anything to ease those moments of suffering when that was the one thing he wanted most in the entire world.
“Talk to me,” Hans said quietly.
“I was so helpless,” Malcolm said. “That was the worst part—knowing David was in pain and being able to do nothing.” This was not a good time to talk about all that. “I know I wasn’t the one who was ill, but I nursed him and was there for him. He had cancer, but we both went through the disease. Can you understand? It was like we both had it.”
“I think I can,” Hans said. “And you aren’t sure you can have cancer again like that.”
“I’m afraid.” Malcolm took a bite of his enchilada and set down his fork. The food tasted bland even though he knew there was plenty of spice. “It’s that simple. What if I fall for you and you end up the same way as David? I don’t know if I can live through that again.” He was trying to be as honest as he could.
“So what happens? You see me through this biopsy, and if I have cancer, then you walk away? And if I don’t, we can maybe have a relationship?”
“No. I’m saying I don’t know.” It sounded lame to his ears. “I don’t want you to go through this process alone, and I hope more than anything that this is just a scare. I care about you. I didn’t expect to, and I wasn’t looking for it, but you got through. Somehow you got through the grief and the resistance I tried to put up. I don’t want to lose you like I did David.” There, his cards were on the table as much as he could lay them out.
“Okay,” Hans said and reached across the table. “You aren’t going to.”
“How do you know?” Malcolm pressed. “You can’t. No one does.”
“If I have it, then I’ll fight with everything I have. You have to know that.”
“Of course you will.” Malcolm squeezed Hans’s hand in return. “You’re going to be strong and get through whatever happens. I know that.” And he did. He had to. There was no way cancer was going to take someone else from his life. Malcolm could feel his resolve growing inside him. This fucking disease had stolen David away from him. He was not going to let it take Hans too. No fucking way in hell. “And I’ll be there somehow.” He had to be strong for Hans, and nothing else mattered.
He returned to his dinner and managed to eat most of it. Hans ate some of his as well. When they were finished, he got two pieces of cake to go and took Hans back to his house. Inside, he placed the cake in the kitchen and turned out the lights and then led Hans upstairs. He wasn’t going to leave him alone, and that meant making sure Hans knew he was cared for.
“Why are we here?” Hans asked when Malcolm opened the door to his bedroom.
Malcolm looked inside the room and realized what he was doing. For the first time, he’d brought Hans to his bed, the one he’d shared with David. Up until that moment, he hadn’t given it a thought, but now that he was in the room, his memories washed over him in waves. But not the guilt he’d expected. He and David had shared their lives in this room, the best and the worst. It had been theirs, but it was only a room, and the bed just a piece of furniture.
“You all right?” Hans asked. “I know this is hard for you.”
“No. It’s okay.” He held Hans’s hand and brought him into the room. The loss and pain he’d expected to feel at this moment didn’t materialize. David was still here with him, but what he felt was the good memories, the happy ones. Somehow, in the past few weeks, the sadness and loss hadn’t gone away, but they’d become less important and immedi
ate. “This was where David and I spent twenty years together. We loved a lot, fought sometimes, but never went to bed angry. That was the rule we both lived by.”
“I like that.”
“Me too. More than once David used that to his advantage, knowing I couldn’t stay angry with him for very long. I nursed and took care of David in this room.” Malcolm turned to Hans. “I never thought I would be able to bring another man here. I honestly thought that part of my life was over, and then my pushy brother intervened, and I got to know you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“It’s just a room, and the bed is just a bed. I lost track of the fact that David is in my heart. He isn’t here any longer.” Malcolm walked to the bed and sat down. “I haven’t slept on this side of the bed since I lost David. I stayed on my own side. I did all kinds of things like that to keep from acknowledging that David was gone. I knew he was gone, but I kept trying to hold on to him.” Malcolm tugged Hans closer. “And as much as it scares me, you’re the one who allowed me to let him go.”
“But what about all this next week?”
Malcolm took a deep breath. “All I can do—we can do—is to remember to take each day as it comes. David’s counselor told both of us that more than once, but I forgot it until just now. Neither of us can predict the future, and worrying about it only makes things worse. David had cancer, and as much as I’d like to change that, I can’t. The one thing I don’t regret is that he and I made the most of the time we had together. So I’ll make you the same promise. If the news isn’t good, we’ll make the most of what we have.” This had to be the hardest thing Malcolm had ever said. His throat ached, but he knew the words were important.
“God, I hope it doesn’t come to that,” Hans said. “I plan to be around for a very long time, no matter what.”
Malcolm nodded, ashamed. He’d almost instantly jumped to the conclusion that Hans’s news was going to be bad, and if it was, that everything would happen the way it had with David. None of that was necessarily true. “I hope so too.” He had to be positive and not let what had happened to him and David color his thoughts about Hans. It was so hard, and he’d been doing it almost from the moment Hans had told him. “I’m sorry.”
“We’re both afraid of the same thing, but from a different perspective,” Hans said, and Malcolm held him tighter. That was so true. Malcolm was scared to death because he’d already been down this road, and Hans was scared of the unknown and what might yet be.
“I hate fear,” Malcolm said quietly. “Whenever I let it take over my life, everything falls apart.” He knew that was what he’d done earlier. Hell, he’d been letting fear affect his decision-making as far as Hans was concerned for a while. That was what Jane had been trying to tell him earlier and what he saw when he looked back at his reaction. Twice fear had threatened to push Hans away, but there wasn’t going to be a third time. “Somehow, no matter what happens, we’ll figure out a way through this.”
“Are you sure?” Hans asked.
“If I said yes, it would be a lie. I’m not sure of anything other than that I’m falling in love with you. I never expected to do that again, and yet here you are. I was lucky enough to have had David in my life, and I’m lucky to have you as well.” For however long that might be. Malcolm had often wondered if there was a price to pay for happiness. He and David had been truly happy, so maybe his cancer was the price the universe exacted for that. Malcolm hated to think that way, but he couldn’t help wondering about it.
He tugged Hans closer and down, kissing him hard, pulling the larger man down on top of him. He held Hans tightly, letting their warmth mingle. He didn’t think sex was a particularly good idea on a night like this. But he knew from experience that sometimes comfort and care were more important than sex, and this felt very much like one of those times.
They undressed each other slowly and then climbed under the blankets. Malcolm pressed against Hans’s broad back and held him close.
“It’ll be all right, no matter what happens,” Malcolm whispered into the darkness, but he didn’t close his eyes or go to sleep until the small hours of the morning.
Chapter 8
THE REST of the weekend held a strong sense of déjà vu for Malcolm. He stayed with Hans and tried to keep his mind off the impending surgery, which went fairly well. The hardest thing was to keep his mind from slipping back to when he’d been in this situation for David. Every time that happened, the whole ordeal came to mind, and Malcolm had to push all of that away. On the whole he was fairly successful. He got Hans up early on Monday and to the hospital on time, where he was prepped for surgery while Malcolm waited in one of those rooms seemingly designed to add even more anxiety to the process.
“Hi, Jane,” he said when his phone rang half an hour after Hans had been wheeled away.
“How is Hans?” she asked.
“In surgery now.” He groaned. “I never told you I was here for him.”
“You did now,” she said gleefully. “What happened?”
“He’s just having some tests done,” Malcolm explained.
“That’s the exact same thing you said about David. Is he having those kind of tests done?” Jane asked, and when Malcolm didn’t answer, she filled in her own. “Malcolm, it’ll be all right. These tests turn out benign all the time. You know that.”
He looked around and made sure no one was sitting too close to him. “What if it isn’t? I was with him all weekend, and it was like trying not to go back in time. I tried to be upbeat and say the right things most of the time, but this is ripping me apart, and I can’t seem to stop it. He actually asked me if our relationship depended on the results of this test, and I couldn’t say it didn’t.”
“If it does, I’d have to kill you,” she teased, but with a note of seriousness.
“Yeah. But I kind of feel that maybe….” He stopped himself from finishing the thought.
“Look, Malcolm. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and you took care of David without a single complaint for all those months. You adored him, and he thought the sun rose and set around you.” Jane paused, and the line went quiet. “I’m in your office. Now listen to me. You were one of those rare people who got someone who loved you with his whole heart and soul. You and David were amazing together. And then you lost him. I know that nearly killed you, but it didn’t, and guess what…. You met Hans and you started living again.”
“I know, Jane—” He couldn’t say anything more because she cut him off.
“It comes down to one question. Do you love him? Forget about the age difference and all the other things you might be afraid of. All you have to ask yourself is how he makes you feel and what would happen if that man walked out of your life.”
“I asked myself the same thing a hundred times this weekend.”
“And what did you do?”
“I held Hans tighter and prayed that he’d be okay.” Malcolm could feel the resolve that had carried him through the days crumbling right then. His hand shook, and he blinked as tears filled his eyes. “It’s too early to say something like ‘I don’t know what I’d do without him.’ But I want to find out how to have him and make him happy more than anything else in the world right now. This morning, before we left, I realized that the only picture I have of Hans is on my phone, and if anything happened to him, I’d have very little of him. He’d be like a ghost who came into my life and then left again without leaving a trace, and I don’t want that.”
“There you go. You have your answer.”
Malcolm heard a squeak from behind her.
“Are you sitting in my chair?” Malcolm asked.
“Yes. It’s way more comfortable than mine.”
“Then why didn’t you get yourself a new one like I said? Better yet, put a note on my calendar for me to talk to the partners about some of the office furniture. We need to do some proper upgrades for everyone.”
“I will. And your schedule has been cleared. Now take care of
Hans, and I’ll see you when you come in tomorrow.”
“Thanks,” Malcolm said and hung up the phone. He set it on his lap and stared out at the others waiting with him. After a while a couple sat near him, talking quietly. The husband was soothing his wife, who clung to a well-used teddy bear. The man did his best to keep her calm. Malcolm looked away so he didn’t intrude and decided that some coffee might be good. He went in search of some and found the cafeteria. He got three cups in a paper holder and offered the extra two cups to the young couple.
“Thank you,” the man said softly. “Our son is having heart surgery.”
Malcolm nodded. “I hope everything works out. How long will it be?”
“They don’t know,” he answered, and the woman nodded, her eyes puffy. “Why are you here?”
“My boyfriend is having a biopsy, and I have my fingers crossed,” Malcolm said and returned to his seat. He found a magazine and tried to read it but had no luck. He’d brought some work, intending to try to read through it, but that wasn’t going to happen either. So he ended up sitting back in the chair and willing the clock to move faster so he could get some answers.
After another hour, he had to get up and move. His mind wouldn’t let him focus on anything. Now that his head was on straight and he could see things clearly, all he wanted was to be able to hold Hans’s hand again. Finally the woman in charge of the waiting area came over and told him Hans was out of surgery and in recovery. “You can see him in a few minutes.”
“Thank you.” Malcolm sat down and waited until he was told where Hans was. He was about to leave when a man dressed in white came out to talk to the young couple.
“The surgeon asked me to come out to tell you that it’s better than anyone thought. The damage to the heart was much less than predicted, and Mikey should be out of surgery soon. There is every indication that he should be fine once he recovers.”