Not Quite Sheer Happiness

by Melissa Baldwin

  “Carrie, I have never forgotten that I started with you, but I have since made my own success.” I bite the corner of my lip. I knew this would happen; I’ve obviously been sucked into having this conversation with her. “But that doesn’t excuse what you did. I don’t hate you, but we don’t need to have any kind of relationship. I don’t think there is anything more to say. You can report back to your therapist that you did what you were supposed to do.” In other words, go away and leave me alone, I think to myself.

  She doesn’t budge. Crap. Will she ever get the hint?

  “I heard you were engaged to Ace Eckelund. Congratulations. I knew there was something between the two of you when you met, that was very obvious.”

  Great. Now she wants to discuss my personal life; this is not going the way I was hoping it would. Even my bringing up all her plastic surgery didn’t push her away.

  “Yes, I am. Thanks.”

  I need to try something else. I check my emails and start to type on my computer, completely ignoring her. She’s still sitting there . . . not moving, not talking, her new perfectly symmetrical face staring at me. All of a sudden, I have a wave of compassion come over me. I actually start to feel sorry for her. Maybe Abby is starting to rub off on me; she’s always the first one to give people the benefit of the doubt and a second chance.

  I close my laptop and look her in the eye. “Okay, Carrie, I can move forward from what happened between us, but I’m not at a point where we could be . . . friends or anything like that.” I practically spit out the word friends, which will never happen.

  “Fine.” She hesitates. I don’t know what else she’s expecting. “I can accept that . . . for now.”

  A few minutes later she finally takes my hints and leaves. I sit frozen in my chair with my laptop still closed. I have no idea what just happened. I guess I forgave Carrie for all the hell she put me through. Wow, Abby would be so proud of me. I grab my phone to call her but stop myself. I’ve felt weird since our conversation the other night. I don’t want to burden her with such a silly thing. This is a new feeling; I have never felt weird calling Abby. At the same time, I don’t want her to think I’m avoiding her.

  “Hello,” she answers.

  “Hey, girl, how are you?”

  She starts to laugh. “I guess you’re asking if I’ve recovered from our ruined girls’ night?”

  I laugh. “Well . . . since you mentioned it. And you didn’t ruin anything.”

  I hear water running in the background. “Can you please promise me something?” she asks.

  “Of course, anything.”

  “Promise me that if you ever see me with an alcoholic beverage in my hand that you will smack it away. I’m never drinking again.”

  I promise her, and since she brought up what happened, I need to take this chance to apologize to her.

  “Abby, I owe you a huge apology. You were right when you said that we always bring our problems to you but never ask you if you need us. I never meant to make you feel like that and I’m so sorry.” The truth is she was totally justified in saying that. I can’t remember the last time I called her without some kind of crisis of my own. Even today I almost picked up the phone to tell her about my run-in with Carrie.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” she tells me. “I love that you trust me enough to come to me, and you know I’m always here when you need me. I think it was just a rough day, you know how it is.”

  Hah. Don’t I ever.

  “Anyway, how’s everything going with you?” she asks. “Madison called and said something about wedding dress shopping and the spa. I have to admit I’m surprised you don’t already have that dress ordered.”

  I smile to myself. “Wow, that was fast. Yeah, Madie really got on me about not looking at dresses yet. I’ve just been slammed.”

  The baby starts crying in the background. “Abby, why don’t you take care of Charlotte and call me back when you can?” I don’t want to get into another conversation about my life, especially when she’s obviously busy. I think it’s time for me to be as good of a friend to Abby as she has been to everyone else.

  *~*~*

  When I get back to work, Craig is nowhere in sight. I ask Nicole if she knows where he is.

  “Who knows what that guy does?” she says. “He was rambling something about needing a vacation.”

  I let out a big sigh. I know how this goes, the last time Craig was rambling about needing a vacation he jumped on a plane to Cabo and ditched me in the middle of one of our events. Anyway, I need to tell someone about Carrie and I know Nicole will appreciate this story, maybe even more than Craig.

  “Guess who I ran into today?” I ask as I fall down on the couch in our lobby.

  She gives me a curious look. “Who?”

  I tell her all about seeing Carrie and my sudden attack of conscience.

  Her mouth hangs open. “Whoa. I can’t believe you asked her about the plastic surgery,” she exclaims. “Remember when we used to look at her expense report? What a nightmare that was.”

  I nod. “That’s basically what I said when she tried to tell me that she’s only had a few rounds of Botox. I don’t think she realizes that people won’t believe that.” I pause. “Anyway, I started to feel sorry for her. She seemed so lost and alone. It was actually really sad.”

  Nicole looks at me as if I’ve lost it. “Don’t start that, she’s trying to rope you in. I’m sure she has something up her sleeve—she always does.”

  She’s probably right, but I think I was pretty clear on my feelings. If anything, I hope I satisfied her enough that she will leave me alone.

  “It will be fine,” I say, getting up from the couch. “I don’t think I’ll be seeing her again anytime soon.”

  *~*~*

  “I’m proud of you love,” Ace says, taking a sip of his water. “I think you’ve showed tremendous strength after everything that happened.”

  Ace is finally back in town from yet another trip, and we are enjoying dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. I tell him all about Carrie. He was with me at the event when everything went down with her. He was wonderful and supportive at that time, and his support is what really got me through that.

  “Nicole thinks she’s up to something. Do you think she is?” I ask. Ever since I talked to Nicole, I’ve been wondering if she’s right. I can’t imagine what else Carrie could do to me, but I know I shouldn’t let my guard down completely.

  Ace takes my hand. “She can’t hurt you anymore. I won’t let her. If something else happens, I’ll be forced to step in.” I smile. It feels pretty amazing to have a knight in shining armor.

  Just as the server brings our entrees, Ace asks me about Lisa’s event. Why does he have to bring her up? Although I could use this as my opportunity to ask him more about their relationship and her meeting his mother.

  “The event was a great success. There was only a little drama with the desserts but we made it through.” I pause. “While we’re on the subject, I was curious about a few things.”

  Ace looks up from his plate. I’m sure he knows I’m going to ask for more information about Lisa.

  “Promise me you won’t get upset that I’m asking you about this again.”

  He squints his eyes but then agrees. I pick at my food with my fork. “Lisa and I were talking and somehow we got on the subject of your mom. She told me she met her. I guess I’m just curious as to how serious you two really were.”

  Ace is quiet. This doesn’t happen very often, and now I feel stupid. Why did I have to say anything and take away from our time together? I start to backpedal. “You know what, it doesn’t matter, I’m sorry I asked. The past is the past and it has nothing to do with us now. So, please just forget it?”

  He’s still quiet. Crap. Why isn’t he saying anything?

  “I don’t want you to feel stupid,” he says, finally ending the miserable silence. “I can understand why you feel this way, and I know you have a hard time trusti
ng after everything that has happened in the past.” He pauses and puts his fork down. “First of all, I’m not Luke, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you. But, I owe it to you to tell you because I want us to move on from this. For good.”

  I nod quickly.

  He lets out a deep breath. “Of course, you know how Lisa and I met. I’m still not proud of that part of it. Luke and I were friends, and I did wrong by him. Anyway, Lisa and I continued going out for several months, even after the summer ended. Believe it or not, I hadn’t had many serious relationships prior to her, maybe one or two but not along the same lines. It was different with her.”

  Okay, this is not what I want to hear. Regardless, I’m practically on the edge of my seat as I listen to him tell the story, partly because I’m very curious and partly because I love his accent. I could listen to him talk for hours.

  “My mother was on holiday with some friends while I was on tour. I brought Lisa to dinner to meet Mum, and they got on very well. As you know, Mum and I have always been very close, so of course I wanted them to meet.” I shift around uncomfortably in my chair; Ace and I are engaged and I still haven’t met her.

  “I fell in love with her and I thought she was in love with me. At that time, I was willing to move to America to be with her. When she left Europe, I was devastated. We talked every day, and I was planning to return home to Australia to pack up my things and move here until she broke things off. She said we were too young to be in such a serious relationship and she didn’t want me to regret uprooting my life if things didn’t work out. I never spoke to her again—until just recently in your office.”

  He stops talking and looks at me, obviously waiting for my response. I don’t know what to say. A part of me wonders if there are still unresolved feelings there somewhere. I guess Craig was right, it sounds like she was his first love. I’m about to speak up when he starts talking again.

  “Looking back, I’m so glad she made that decision. I went on to build a career I love, and in an interesting twist of fate, I found you. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Luke and I didn’t know each other. I wonder if our paths still would have crossed.” He smiles lovingly as he reaches across the table to take my hand. “Sienna, I love you and want to spend my life with you. I did love before as did you but that was before . . . not now.”

  I smile sheepishly. “I know. But, are you sure there isn’t anything that’s unresolved? I mean, did you ever find closure? I didn’t get closure until Luke and Ellie got engaged and he apologized to me.” My ex-boyfriend Luke ended up getting married last year, ironically to Madison’s cousin. It’s a long crazy story that probably could have been some good material for a Jerry Springer episode.

  “What do you mean by closure?” he asks. “I believe I did; I lived my life and found happiness. That’s the best closure I could hope for.”

  How can I argue with him? He’s absolutely right and everyone has a past, so why can’t I just accept this and move on? Ugh, I have issues.

  “I should have explained everything to you sooner,” he apologizes. “And don’t forget, Lisa has moved on as well. She has her own life now that doesn’t include me.”

  Hmmm . . . I wish I could believe that. It doesn’t help when she made those comments about making the wrong decision and letting him go, not to mention the picture of them together she posted.

  “Anyway, I’m away from you all too much and I don’t want to spend another second of our time together talking about this,” he insists as he squeezes my hand.

  “There’s just one more thing.” I hesitate. “When am I going to meet your mother? It really bothers me that she’s met her and I haven’t.”

  He throws his head back in laughter.

  “Don’t laugh,” I snap. “I know you think I’m acting like a jealous girlfriend but I know how important Maureen is to you.”

  He’s still laughing, so I punch him on the arm. “What? Why are you still laughing?”

  He rubs his arm. “I just find it funny that you’re in such a rush to meet your future mother-in-law. Isn’t that unusual for women or against girl code or something?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “Not always. Madison and Susan get along really well, even though Susan’s always in their business. And Abby loves Matt’s mother.”

  He holds up his hands. “Never mind, I stand corrected. And to answer your question, Mum will probably come to California on holiday around Christmas and she can’t wait to meet you in person. Not to mention, she would never miss our wedding.”

  This conversation went better than I was expecting. A feeling of relief washes over me even though I don’t love the fact that my fiancé’s first love just dropped back into our lives. I wish I didn’t require this constant reassurance. I know that Ace’s word should be enough and I need to trust in him and in our relationship.

  “Why do you still look worried?” he asks, interrupting my deep thought. I snap out of it and look at him.

  “I’m not worried about what you told me. I just wish I wasn’t so insecure. I hate this about myself. But hey, at least I can admit it.” I drop my head in shame.

  “No, no,” he says, lifting up my chin. “You’ve been hurt and I know that. If it takes me having to reassure you every day, I will do it. Don’t be embarrassed to be who you are, that’s who I fell in love with.

  “Even with my crazy paranoia?” I ask.

  “Yes, even with that.” He smirks.

  So he’s agreeing that I have paranoia? There’s another reason to be paranoid. At least he loves me unconditionally. I have no idea what I did to deserve him. I should be enjoying every second of this time in our lives. And I refuse to let Lisa Simmson take that away.

  Chapter 12

  After a lot of schedule changes and reschedules, Madison, Abby, and I finally make it to Alexa’s Bridal to look at gowns.

  I think that bridal shops could really capitalize on girls’ nights. It would be really cool to go even if you aren’t getting married; you could “rent” the shop. They could let the guests try on dresses and have wine and hors d’oeuvres. I wonder if anyone has ever thought about this before. I’m sure someone has at some point. Madison is the only one drinking the free champagne since I very rarely drink and Abby has sworn off alcohol until the end of time.

  “Do you remember the last time we were here?” Madison asks. “I think it was with Ellie and Stephy.” All three of us groan loudly. Ellie and Stephy are Madison’s horrible cousins; they added to the fiasco that was her wedding. A lot of stuff went down with them that even I was surprised at, and I’ve seen a lot of weddings in my career.

  “Do you want us to wear matching bridesmaid gowns or do you not care?” Madie asks with a giggle. I snort. She was very nontraditional with her plans, starting with her wanting us to pick our own dresses in her color scheme, and her cousins practically had a heart attack when they found out our dresses weren’t matching. The truth is I have no idea what I want. I look around the shop and feel somewhat overwhelmed. Being an event planner for so many years, I never would have thought I would have such a difficult time planning my own wedding. Maybe I should have some of that champagne.

  I wander through the gorgeous wedding gowns—rows of lace, beads, silk, and tulle. There are just so many to choose from. I remember reading a book (when I had time to read) where the bride couldn’t decide so she actually put several gowns on hold until she was ready to choose. I guess I could do that until I decide. I sit down in one of the comfortable wingback chairs and close my eyes. What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I excited about this? Maybe my career has made me jaded. I hope I don’t turn into Carrie.

  “Okay, enough,” Abby says from behind me. I twist around in the chair to face her.

  “Enough what?” I ask curiously. She walks over with a San Pellegrino in her hand and sits down on the floor next to my chair.

  “It’s obvious you aren’t into this. And I want to know why.”

  My face falls. �
��It’s not that,” I say as I pick at the fabric on the arm of the chair. “I really want to be here searching for my dream dress. I just don’t know where to start.”

  I suddenly remember that Abby is supposed to be here enjoying herself. I shouldn’t be unloading my issues on her. An idea pops into my head. “Let’s look for bridesmaid gowns first.”

  She gives me a look, but I don’t give her a chance to respond before I jump eagerly out of the chair. We wander around until we find Madison trying on a wedding gown.

  “What do you guys think?” she asks as she twirls around. “Maybe I should have another wedding?”

  “No,” Abby and I say in unison. She laughs. “But why not? Don’t I deserve another wedding?”

  I rub my temples as I wander around and randomly start pulling different dresses off the racks. I had forgotten how many different styles there are, as the planner I rarely am involved in the gown search.

  “I think we need to have an intervention,” Madison says, taking the gowns out of my arms. “Abby says you’re avoiding choosing your gown. What’s your deal? Not only that, you look like you’re absolutely miserable.”

  It’s kind of hard to take her seriously while she’s standing in front of me in a wedding gown. I try to change the subject, but they don’t follow my lead. I stand frozen, looking at my two best friends staring me down. The truth is I don’t know why I’m not into this. Am I having a nervous breakdown? Is this a sign of things to come? I know I want to marry Ace, that’s not even a question.

  “Nothing,” I reply. “Come on, help me find a dress.”

  Once I start trying them on, I find three gowns that I really like and my attitude begins to change. As I stand in front of the three-way mirror in a beautiful white gown, it occurs to me that this is really happening. I circle around as I run my hands down the smooth white fabric—I look at myself in the mirror. I think this may be the one.