by J. P. Rice
I’d almost forgotten about that warning. The Gods had informed me that a soul with substance couldn’t use magic. “I’ll be just fine. Go show these lightweights how a real Frenchman drinks.”
His lips curved up and a slow smile developed on his face. He bobbed his head around, and said, “I mean, if you don’t mind. I’m trying to go clean, but this is an offer I just can’t refuse. Merci beaucoup, Micheal. Merci beaucoup.” He bowed in a grandiose fashion with a flourish of theatrical hand movements.
Before I could say anything, he turned toward the bar, and with a skip in his step, he hightailed it toward the booze table. I headed for the small opening to hell and noticed a shadow dancing on the wall. As I looked again, I realized it was Darkwing, my disappearing and suddenly reappearing shadow hound.
The canine jumped into the opening as if to say, “Don’t be scared.”
Chapter 5
I squeezed through the opening and entered a tunnel. Working with only a tiny pinprick of light, I ran into a wall. Reaching out with my arms, I could feel the warm smooth stone on either side. I traced my hands over the walls as I navigated forward, eventually coming to a dead end.
The wall in front of me felt like wood as I smoothed my palm over the surface. Couldn’t hurt to knock, right? I pounded my fist against the wall and it echoed down the narrow passageway.
I heard a voice on the other side say, “Fuckin’ finally. I’m starving.”
The door slid open horizontally and a figure appeared in the entrance. The bright firelight behind him revealed a beastly creature. The reddish being had two horns coming from the top of his balding head of thin gray hair. The being wore a dark blue velour tracksuit. He had an enormous nose, a long goatee and mustache, jagged fangs and razor-sharp claws. Even with all that, the thing I noticed the most was how tired he appeared. Tired or high. Or both.
He stared at my empty hands, blinking steadily and said, “You’re not the fuckin’ pizza guy. Fuck. His tip just went to shit. Did you see him out there? They always get lost.”
I said, “I’m not sure what the pizza guy looks like.”
“He looks like a fucking guy holding a pizza. Did you see anyone like that?” The demon spoke pretentiously, like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.
I clarified, “I didn’t see any pizza delivery guys or girls around here.”
“Aahh, fuck. All right. Let’s do this.” He spoke in an annoyed monotone, “My name is Belphegor. Follow me.”
He zipped his velour jacket to just above his big belly, turned and started down the circular path. We walked around the spiral rotunda, getting lower into hell. As we rounded another level, we came to an open area off to the side of the circle.
I couldn’t understand it. It was like a 3-D movie screen was right in front of us, but it was real. I stared ahead at the slope of a mountain covered in green grass. How could there be a mountain underground?
Men and women in suits were trying to push huge boulders up the hill, but nobody was having great success. Several of them were arguing with each other, pointing their fingers in each other’s faces. As I looked closer, I recognized these people.
I didn’t know their names off the top of my head, but they were politicians from the United States. Republicans, democrats and independent senators were trying to get their boulder up the hill. There were both men and women and I got the impression hell didn’t discriminate or play partisan politics. Equal opportunity for all wrongdoers.
“Do you recognize those two?” He pointed at a man and woman dressed in high fashion.
It was a fashion from hundreds of years ago, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. “Not exactly,” I responded.
“Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. The two figures that embody greed more than any other. Although she never actually said, let them eat cake, the sentiment was there.”
The couple was arguing with each other in French, so I wasn’t sure what they were saying but it was coming out in angry tones.
As I stared at the strange scene, I asked, “Why are they trying to push those boulders up the hill?”
“I thought you’d never ask. Greed is a sin that most people are familiar with. Some in small doses and others can’t control themselves. Once a soul is bitten by the greed bug, it can stick with you for eternity. These foolish souls are convinced that if they get their boulder to the top of the hill, they will have their fortunes and possessions returned to them.”
“Has anyone ever reached the top?”
He shook his head, his big horns moving from side to side. “Not a single one. Nor will they. It is hard to tell from here, but there is no top to the mountain. It comes to a point so small that none of the boulders will sit flat on it. They would know if they simply ascended the hill and took a quick peek at the peak. Yet, greed can be blinding.”
Marie Antoinette picked up the balloon skirting of her powder blue dress and walked closer. As she neared the circle, a dog barked at her. Turning completely to my left, I saw him. Cerberus. His three heads snapped at Marie Antoinette causing her to jump back and start walking away.
Here was my chance. As I tried to figure out the best line of attack, Belphegor yelled, “Good boy.”
Cerberus barked in acknowledgement, turned and ran down the circle. I took off after the beast, down toward the next circle. The mythical dog ran through a small opening and a door slammed shut, almost trapping one of his three tails in the automatic door.
Fuck. I went back up the circle to the mountain of greed. Belphegor said, “So you like to chase dogs around?”
“Not usually. I just need something from that dog.”
“The only thing you’re bound to get from that dog is rabies or death. I doubt he’s good for eating, although I would take a taste right now. Fuckin’ starving,” he complained, rubbing his stomach.
I didn’t want to be here anymore than he. “Can we go to the next level now? You can get your pizza much faster that way.”
Belphegor explained, “We have to follow protocol. No matter what.” He rolled his eyes and went into what sounded like a rehearsed spiel, “Greed is something that every man or woman experiences in life. It is how the person responds to greed that will determine if he is worthy of a stay in hell. Embrace greed and all it entails, and you will be permitted to the next circle.”
It made sense that the merit for getting into hell was the exact opposite of the attributes needed to gain passage into heaven. It was like an upside-down game I was playing. How terrible were you on earth?
“So do I make the cut?” I wondered aloud.
Belphegor stared out at the greedy souls as Marie Antoinette kept creeping closer. “Not yet. Would you care to confess your greed?”
“Sure. Let’s see.” Perhaps I should have thought about this before right now. “Oohh. I make a lot of money. In fact, the last job I did, I made two million dollars and I only shared twenty thousand with someone who helped me. That was pretty greedy.”
He waved a finger tipped with a long claw in front of his face. “Except for the fact that a major portion of your money has gone to charity. That isn’t greed.”
“Okay.” I had to think back to my grungy days before Alayna had saved me from going down a very dark path. I had it. “I used to steal money from the women I had romantic experiences with. I had my own money, but I wanted to use theirs.”
A woman ran toward us from the base of the hill. She was big and thick, and as she closed in, I recognized her. I couldn’t remember her name, but it was one of the women I’d stolen from. What was she doing here?
“There’s the man who sent me on a life of crime,” she announced, pointing at me.
I asked, “How did I send you on a life of crime?”
“After you stole my credit card, I ran into hard times, so I followed your model. I stole from every guy I slept with after you. I’d snag his wallet before he woke up. Until one of them caught me and beat me to death. Aren’t you proud? I learned it all from you,” sh
e said and lunged at me, grabbing hold of my golden robes.
Belphegor slapped her hands away and pushed her back toward the mountain. She stared at Belphegor with contempt in her eyes. She looked like she was about to say something, but she simply turned and stormed off toward the base of the hill.
“Some of our guests can be quite ornery. Watch yourself,” Belphegor warned.
“So what else do I have to do to get to the next level?”
“You’ve already proven your worth and had it corroborated by one of our guests. Your level of greed isn’t comparable to Marie or Louis, but you can go to the next circle. Right this way.” He held out his hand, gesturing to continue on the corkscrew path heading down.
I slowed down as I came to the closed door that Cerberus had run through. As I took two more steps forward, the door slid open horizontally. Hmmm. Did not expect hell to have automatic doors. Or a bar for that matter.
Plunging through the opening, I peeked behind to make sure Belphegor was still there. My hungry tour guide caught up to me and we walked side by side on the wide circular stone path. We looped around a few times and came to another opening like the one for greed.
The first thing I noticed was the odor of, without sounding crass, shit. The lumpy landscape was all muddy and a storm of icy rain, rotting body parts, feces and rancid blood rained down on the souls stuck in the mud.
The souls looked like pigs in the mud, stuck there with their arms and legs flailing around, trying to get up out of the slop. I recognized a few people. Henry VIII couldn’t be missed as he was right up front wearing his crown. Next to him was Elvis Presley, whose flailing arms and legs looked like nothing more than a sad dance move considering it was coming from the King of Rock and Roll.
I noticed one slim person in the slop. He kept rolling around but could never reach his feet. He turned to me with desperation on his face, almost begging me to help him out. Who was this guy? I’d seen him before.
Oh yeah. It was Joey Chestnut, the hot dog eating champion. It proved that one didn’t have to be overweight to be a glutton.
From behind, Belphegor said, “Gluttony. My least favorite sin. Especially right now since I am starving. These souls enjoyed food, drink, drugs, whatever was placed in front of them, they consumed in great quantities. To be worthy of this circle of hell, you must confess your gluttony.”
I tried to think of something, but I was coming up blank. “I usually eat more than I need to. Sometimes a lot more than I need to.”
He moved next to me and rolled his eyes. “No. I’m afraid that will not pass. I am not convinced of that.”
I had to dig deeper. “Oh, drinking. I used to drink a lot. I mean a lot. The Gods gave me a pill to stop me from drinking. It was that bad.”
“Gods? What Gods do you speak of?” he asked in a mocking tone.
A female voice sounded behind Belphegor, “I am one of the Gods this man speaks of.”
The Morrigan had appeared out of nowhere. Belphegor spun around and met her gaze. “My lady. I was unawares. If you’re vouching for this man, that is more than enough for me.”
Belphegor faced me and announced, “You have gained entry to the next circle.” By the time he turned back to the Morrigan, she was gone.
She’d receded into the shadows like the hellhound. Could she hear everything I said? And where the hell had she just come from? It was like she had just materialized out of thin air.
We walked around the descending ring and the horrible stench started to fade. The moist air from the storm of gluttony started to dry out and the humidity faded. It grew hotter by the footstep as we came to the entrance to the next level.
The door slid to the side and my gracious guide allowed me to go through first. The circular path continued until a desert appeared to my right. People were buried in the sand up to their necks with only their heads sticking out. Their heads were surrounded by something that looked like tanning reflectors.
“Can you recognize anyone out there?” Belphegor asked.
I squinted. “No. I can’t really see anyone’s faces. Why are they like that?”
“Suffering from the sin of envy, they are only permitted to look at themselves. If they can’t see anyone else, they cannot be jealous. Also, they must face their sin for the rest of time.” He pointed at a group of envious souls and said, “There’s Judas Iscariot, and Athena is off to the right of him. You can’t really see from here and I’m rather certain you don’t want to go out there.”
“Solid assumption. I’m fine right here.”
Belphegor explained, “Envy. It can come in many forms. One can be jealous of another person or of their possessions. Success is the ultimate motivator of envy. Personally, I hate envy. I believe it to be the weakest of all sins. I don’t believe it deserves a circle of hell. However, to get to the next circle, you must confess to envy.”
What would get me to the next level? “I get jealous a lot. Mostly of the wizards from St. Louis and Chicago. I really wanted to attain the success that those guys have had. They are legends compared to me and I always wanted to be as badass as them.”
He chewed on the words for a moment, tossing his head from side to side. “I believe you want to be like those men, but there isn’t a deep-rooted jealousy there. You will have to do better than that.”
I thought about whom I had been jealous of over the years. One person kept creeping back into my mind. “My best friend Kyle. When he started to get scholarship offers from college, it started. Scouts from the NFL started coming to our high school games to watch him. I remember thinking I wish that was me. I wish all the hoopla was surrounding me. I was fucking jealous of him.”
One of the bodies dug out of the sand and ran in my direction. As it got closer, I realized it was Kyle’s soul coming toward us. Maybe this would give me a chance to explain what had happened on the night he had died.
Kyle was smiling as he slowed to a jog and approached us. Good. He wasn’t pissed.
As he closed in on me, he drew back his beefy right fist and took a wild swing. I ducked as the slow punch sailed over my skull, but I heard a thump. Looking up, Kyle’s follow through had connected with Belphegor’s chin. The demon’s eyes rolled back into his head, his wobbly knees gave way and he collapsed to the stone.
As I rose to my feet, Kyle extended both open hands. He grabbed hold of my neck. I thrust my hands up into his forearms to break the hold. And that failed miserably. Kyle firmed his grip, both thumbs increasing the pressure on my windpipe.
Chapter 6
I gasped for air as he picked me up off my feet, maintaining the choke hold. My feet kicked around, making contact with Kyle, but I was too close to build up momentum to hurt him. I jammed my finger into his eye. Kyle screamed at first and then laughed demonically.
He raised my body higher in the air and I could feel my brain threatening to shut down from the lack of oxygen. I gurgled, drool coming out of the sides of my mouth. Was this how it was all going to end?
I turned my head away from the desert and started to hallucinate. The dancing shadows caused by the dim torchlight developed into an animal on the wall. A black hellhound appeared with her legs crouched. A moment later, the vision pounced off the wall and dove toward Kyle and me with her massive jaw agape.
The hound sunk her teeth into Kyle’s leg and he cried out in pain. He broke the hold and I fell a few feet to the ground. I landed awkwardly and went down to one knee as Kyle wrestled with the hellhound. In my delirious state, I’d forgotten about Darkwing.
She’d showed up just in time to save me. The barking and Kyle’s screaming caused Belphegor to stir. The demon sat up and shook his head to clear the cobwebs.
Belphegor sprang to his feet and said, “You son of a bitch.” He lunged toward Kyle and landed a right fist to my former best friend’s cheek.
Kyle pushed Darkwing away, ducked another punch from Belphegor and ran back into the sand.
Dusting myself off, I said, “I guess that sho
uld be enough to get me to the next level.”
Belphegor rubbed his jaw as he spoke softly, “That motherfucker. Now it’s going to hurt when I finally get to eat. That verification will get you to the next level. This is where I bid you adieu. You will have another guide for the rest of your journey down here. Best of luck. If you will excuse me, I have a pizza guy to kill.”
“Thanks?” I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. He was a demon living in hell, but I’d rate him as an honest broker, just doing his job.
I went down, and Belphegor walked up the circular incline. Happy to have got this far without any real problems other than dying down here, I was also disturbed that I was judged worthy of being despicable enough to clear the first three circles.
Was I a terrible person? I shook those thoughts away. Now was not the time for me to feel sorry for myself. Terrible or not, I could still rescue my mentor and bring Reg back to life. I had a long way to go, but redemption was waiting at the end of the path.
I ran into another closed door that slid open as I approached it. Walking through, a blast of wind hit me in the face and blew my shaggy hair back. I took a few steps into the newest circle and encountered a large figure standing in the way.
The tall man tucked his long platinum hair behind his ear, exposing a cheek full of dark stubble and red-tinted eyes. He was dressed in medieval armor with layers of boiled leather and a chain mail jacket. Something was coming up over his shoulders that I couldn’t identify.
I broke the unnerving silence. “Are you the new guide Belphegor was talking about?”
“Guide? Guide? Is that all Lucifer is? Lucifer is a judge. He will determine whether you keep descending. Cause him anger, and you shall feel his wrath.” He turned slightly and I realized those were wings popping up over his shoulders. Small and sleek, but wings nonetheless.
I did not expect him to speak in the third person, but hey, who the hell was I to judge? “I will try to be respectful, good sir.”