by J. P. Rice
Cassius laughed and said, “That’s not real angel dust. This is the real deal. We kidnap an angel, then kill him or her, dry them out and grind them up. It makes cocaine seem like aspirin.” He took out a hand blown glass straw and snorted a big gray line of the powder. As he leaned back in his chair, Tarone arrived with his Rum Runner. I never thought I would see Death smiling, but there was a first time for everything.
The Morrigan extended her arm with the card in her hand. I’d almost forgotten she was standing next to me. I took it and pulled it closer to my face. The card had my name at the top, a 3-D image of my face in the middle, the numbers 96 and 3,700. And right below my name were the words, ‘Redeem Soul Now.’
“What does all this mean?” I asked the Morrigan.
She explained, “These are soul cards. Whoever is in possession of that card when you die, claims your soul.”
“What do the numbers mean?”
“They are your scores. The higher the number, the purer the soul. You are a 96.”
“That’s pretty good, huh?”
“You are 96 out of 1,000,” she said in a serious tone.
“Oh, that certainly puts a new coat of paint on the wall.”
I looked up from the card as the Morrigan smirked and rolled her eyes. I said, “Very funny. What does the other number mean?”
The Morrigan took a sip of her drink and set it on the table next to her stack of cards. “That is your total score. The total score takes into account all your good and bad deeds. It also factors in which way you are trending. You have a high value right now because you used to commit only bad deeds in your past. But recently almost all of your deeds have been determined to be righteous. Trending factors affect the total value.”
“Is 3700 a lot of points?”
The Morrigan nodded and reached back, snatching something off the table. She handed me another card. John Jacob Arletz. I didn’t recognize the name so I assumed it was just a random card. His scores were 1 and 6. “I think I get the point. So why do you have my card tucked into your back pocket?”
The Morrigan paused for a few moments, “Let me first say that I am glad to see you alive. However, many people travel down here and never leave. If something was to happen to you down here, I was going to take your soul with me.”
“Make sure you’re being safe with this thing,” I said waving the card in my hand.
“Don’t worry. That one is all mine,” she promised with a wink. It didn’t really put me at ease.
“Also, be careful you don’t hit that button under my name by accident.”
“Don’t worry, Micheal. There is a confirmation screen that pops up, so I can’t claim your soul with just one touch. And don’t worry, I won’t let your soul fall into the wrong hands.”
“So you guys just do this for fun?” I asked looking around. Osiris and Ereshkigal were talking near the bar. Hades was yelling at his assistant for not making his drink strong enough. And Cassius was crushing another line of angel dust.
“More or less. You’ll be glad to know that I will treat your soul with the respect it deserves. Not everyone at this table would grant the same honor,” she warned in an ominous tone and pointed at Osiris, then Hades.
“What do you actually do with the soul?” I wanted to know.
The Morrigan shrugged her shoulders. “Whatever we desire. Some experiment on the soul. Some let it roam free. Some assign them to be guardian angels. Some torture the soul for enjoyment. Some absorb them into their own being. Some hand them over to their fellow Gods.”
“I still don’t really understand.” It seemed weird that they would have dominion over the soul.
The Morrigan sipped her drink and gave a thumbs up to Hades’ assistant. She turned her goth face with burning blue eyes back to me. “The world needs us. You need us. If we didn’t sort out the souls after death, they could reenter their bodies and come back to life. The earth’s surface would be full of zombies. As you’ve seen, some of the souls are sent here to be dealt with, some are passed on to the heavens if they are worthy. We are the sorting system, but we also use the souls for our own devices.”
I had to ask, “So let’s say that a card fell into the wrong hands.”
“It won’t,” she immediately answered and picked up the deck of cards.
“Okay. Hypothetically...”
Shuffling the cards in her hands, the Morrigan cut me off, “It won’t.”
“Please just let me finish,” I said. She rolled her eyes and looked at the stone ceiling. “If any card fell into the wrong hands and someone hit that Redeem Now button, would that person die immediately?”
“Yes. Next question,” she stated bluntly and threw the cards on the table.
“Why is that even available?” I asked.
Before the Morrigan could answer, Cassius slammed his slender hand on the table. “Motherfucker. Guys, I have to go. Every time I start to have a bit of fun, I get called in.” He pressed a few buttons on his watch and stood up. Hades’ assistant ran over with a hickory walking stick and handed it to Cassius. No scythe, huh? He spoke into his watch, “I’m on it. I’ll be right there.”
The Grim Reaper cursed under his breath as he left the room.
I’d almost forgotten what question I’d asked the Morrigan. She grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said, “The world would be thrust into chaos if we didn’t take some people out of the mix. Overpopulated. Food would become scarce and great wars would break out. It seems like a harsh aspect of life. Death. But it is the most necessary one.”
“How do you decide?” I asked, as everyone started taking their spots at the table.
“That depends on a multitude of factors. It could even simply come down to the fact that a God is upset at that particular time. Most of the time they are calculated decisions. But sometimes,” she said, pointing around the table. “Sometimes, we have a little fun.”
“What happens when the person dies?”
“Then the card loses its value dramatically. With a reckless boy like you, I should probably use this one soon,” the Morrigan said, snatching the card back from me and tucking it into her back pocket.
I looked around and knew my time was limited. “Just one last question. Why would you want, say, a Greek soul? They wouldn’t be able to get into a Celtic Heaven, would they?”
The Morrigan settled back into her seat and looked up at me. “After death has consumed the body, the soul still maintains its knowledge. If I claim a Greek soul that is well educated in a field that would be of value to a Celtic God, that makes it valuable despite its origins. I’ll send that soul to the God that would get the greatest value out of it.”
I tried to squeeze in another question. “So that’s how Clara Spiritus and the Deep Burrow are so technologically advanced?”
A smile started in the Morrigan’s spooky eyes but her lips never got the message. “You are wise beyond your years. I’ve harvested some valuable souls over the years. Those souls have proved valuable with many Celtic advancements. You’ve already taken advantage of those medical services to heal your body of a terminal disease. Had I not claimed the souls of some talented physicians over the years, you would have had to rely on your health insurance, which you didn’t have.”
Holy shit. That was a pretty crazy system. I still wasn’t sure I understood everything fully, but it was much clearer than when I’d fallen down that chute.
“All right, Stink Boy, it’s time for you to leave if you don’t have any chips to play with,” Hades said, shooing me away like a dog.
But I didn’t stink anymore. Did I? A quick sniff check of my underarms confirmed that the smell was gone. Plus, I hadn’t even had a chance to talk to Osiris or Ereshkigal. “Can I get some water before I go, sir?”
Hades rolled his eyes and turned to his assistant. He nodded begrudgingly, and his subservient employee ran over to the bar. The suited man returned in a flash, walked up to me and extended a large bottle of Fiji Wate
r. Nice, the good stuff.
The assistant put his hand on the small of my back and ushered me toward the door. He opened the door and shoved me through like an unwelcome guest.
“Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra,” barked Darkwing, running over to me.
I petted her behind the ears, then opened the bottle of water. I knew this girl was probably much thirstier than I was. Holding the water near her mouth, I tilted the bottle slowly. The water spilled out and Darkwing lapped it up greedily.
With the dog hydrated, I tried to figure out how to get out of here. It appeared we were back on the rotunda that had taken us all the way to the bottom of hell. I assumed I just needed to walk back up the path, the same way I’d walked down.
As I started up the corkscrew incline, Darkwing disappeared into the shadows. I was left alone with my jumbled thoughts. My right hand dove into my robes, pinching and feeling around for the object I’d come for. There it was. Cerberus’s tooth. It was about the size of my pinkie finger, yellowing and sharp.
I continued up the dimly lit path, remaining on alert for Cerberus to attack at any time. The door to Wrath slid open as I approached and I sneaked through the smaller opening. As I approached the viewing area of the inhabitants and the nasty conditions, I heard wild screaming.
Pushing panic aside, I put one foot in front of the other and turned the bend. Standing in my path on the rotunda were Adolf Hitler, Alexander the Great and what appeared to be high-ranking officials from their armies.
I backed away from the blockade, wondering how the hell I could get past them. As I took one more step backward, my hand hit something moist. I could feel breathing on my hand and realized it was the nose of an animal. Most likely a dog. Most likely, it was fucking Cerberus.
Spinning around on the dim path, I recognized Darkwing and my heart calmed down a touch. I still couldn’t see how we were going to get to the top. As I gazed down at the hellhound for inspiration, it seemed like the animal had an idea.
Darkwing was leaning down, gesturing with her head for me to get on her back. I wasn’t sure what her plan was, but it was certainly better than no idea. Hopefully.
I slid onto the dog’s back and hooked my arms around her neck. Darkwing jogged down the incline, causing me to worry slightly about getting out of here. The hellhound slowed to a stop and turned around. A deep baritone growl started in the dog’s belly and rumbled internally. I could feel it building.
The rumble deepened as it rushed up to the dog’s throat and spilled from her mouth. Slow deep barking erupted as Darkwing’s legs started to move.
Chapter 10
We built up speed as the inhabitants of Wrath came into view. Darkwing didn’t slow down one bit. In fact, she sped up substantially, almost tossing me from her back. The feral growling continued as we approached the wall of people. The hellhound lowered her head and I tried to duck down as close to the animal as possible to avoid decapitation.
We bashed into the wall of humanity and the souls with substance flew around like bowling pins. Hitler bounced off the stone wall and was tossed back into the muck. Alexander the Great rotated in mid-air, landing on the stone path again after we’d passed.
Darkwing plowed through all the men standing in our way and charged to the next level. As we neared the dull forest of Treachery, Lucifer was standing in the middle of the path with a smug look on his face. The Prince of Darkness held his open hand out in front of his chest like a crossing guard.
Darkwing ignored the warning, not slowing down a bit. The dog lowered her head again and prepared for impact. Lucifer squeaked like a little girl in a haunted house and dove into the dull landscape for safety. As we rounded a bend in the rotunda, a voice echoed off the walls, “Lucifer never forgets. He always gets revenge.”
Oh great. Now I’d pissed off Lucifer. I didn’t want him as an enemy, but I didn’t want to be stuck in hell either.
We ran through another sliding door to the next level. As we approached the viewing area for Violence, Centaurus stood in our way. The horseman’s nostrils flared and he crouched down, bracing for impact. Darkwing didn’t veer off in any direction, she went straight for Centaurus.
Just as we were about to slam into Centaurus, Darkwing bent her legs and leaped in the air. Centaurus tried to rise up and block us, but the hell hound’s epic long jump cleared the half-man, half-horse. We kept running up the path, but I heard the clackity-clack of horse’s hooves chasing after us.
Peeking over my right shoulder, I saw that sparks were shooting off Centaurus’ shoes as they hit the stone ground. When I looked straight ahead again, I saw that we were charging through the next door to get to Lust. Worried that Centaurus was closing in, I looked back.
The automatic door was sliding shut as the sparks rushed toward the opening. Centaurus lowered his human head and tried to squeeze through the closing door. His head came through the door, and I thought we were in trouble until I heard a crunching sound.
Centaurus had gotten trapped by the automatic door, and it was crushing him to death. The struggling beast faded out of my vision as we turned another bend, racing toward Lust. Rounding another corner, the illicit lovers came into view.
Caesar, Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Paris, Lancelot and Guinevere were standing with their arms across their chest in a straight line, blocking our passage.
Lancelot cried out, “You must stay with us here in hell.”
Darkwing didn’t give a good fuck about the words coming from the legendary knight’s mouth. The dog continued on her destructive path toward the entrance of hell. We plowed right through the famous brigade of souls, knocking them around, but the lovers still couldn’t touch each other as they crashed to the ground.
We flew through the next door of hell, on our way to Envy. As we spiraled upward, I heard Belphegor mumbling to himself. As the guide came into view, he had a big pizza box in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other.
As Darkwing raced toward him, the guide said, “Oh no. Fuck that. I haven’t eaten yet.”
Belphegor slid off to the side with his back against the wall. That pizza sure looked good. It was just a box, but I imagined the goodness inside. As we cruised by Belphegor, I reached out with my left hand and snagged the pizza box out of his hand.
Belphegor erupted, “What the fuck? I’m fucking starving, asshole. Get back here.”
Darkwing slowed down a bit as we neared the next door. I squeezed my thighs together to hold on to the hell hound and flipped open the pizza box. Pepperoni. Nice. I grabbed a slice and took an enormous bite.
Darkwing sped up again, and I knew she had to be hungry too. I grabbed another piece out of the box and frisbeed it forward. The dog’s tremendous speed caught up to the spinning piece of pizza and her jaw widened.
Darkwing caught the piece in her mouth and devoured it within seconds. As we continued toward Gluttony, I threw three more pieces to my new friend, stuffed another huge bite in my mouth, and tossed the box aside.
Refueled, the dog picked up even more speed as we neared the viewing area for Gluttony. To my surprise, no one was standing in our path. Checking out the inhabitants of Gluttony, I notice they couldn’t get up out of the slop and over to the rotunda.
We sped along and went through the final door to get to Greed. Round and round we went, moving upward and almost back to civilization. A bunch of men in suits were standing at attention, blocking our way out of hell.
The politicians appeared indomitable, their arms locked with each other. It made no difference to Darkwing, who lowered her head and got ready for some more battering ram action. The faces of the politicians flushed and shifted to panic.
The men turned to each other, unsure of what to do. Just as they were cowards on earth, every single crooked politician dove out of the way and avoided the oncoming pain in the form of an enormous hell hound with some crazy asshole on her back.
Darkwing didn’t slow down as we ran through the entrance door to the circles of hell. We cruised past the bar and went
outside, running down the wooden docks of the River Styx. The hellhound slowed down enough for me to hop off and walk beside her.
Charon was sitting at the end of the dock, next to his trusty little boat. I turned around to pet Darkwing and thank her for the ride of a lifetime, but the dog had disappeared again. As I got closer to Charon, he commented, “I see you lost one. It happens.”
Oh shit. I’d forgotten about Artoise, my guardian angel. Shouldn’t that be the other way around? I did an about-face and headed back to the entrance bar.
I strolled back along the dock and could hear the bar patrons hooting and hollering from a distance. As I got closer, it sounded like they were singing. I turned the corner, and the tiki torches lit up the open area.
Artoise was standing on his stool, leading everyone in a song.
“I stepped around the cobblestone,
And threw my dog a little bone,
I don’t know where...”
Artoise’s eyes landed on me and he said, “Mikey, where the fuck you been? We’re having a great time up here. How’d it go?”
Artoise could barely keep his eyes open as he got down from the stool and stumbled over to me. I said, “Look, we have to go.”
He turned his back on me and rounded back, his bald head glistening from sweat. “Now? Relax. Sit down and have a couple of drinks for fuck sake.”
Not with Lucifer and a whole gang of baddies on my tail. “I’m glad you had a good time here, but I need to get back and rescue our friend, Alayna. I got the tooth.”
“Nice. Let me just finish my drink and we can get the fuck out of here.” Artoise chugged the rest of his red wine and set the clear glass down on the table. He beat his chest like Tarzan, and said, “All right. All set now.” He straightened out his robes as we left the bar and walked down the wooden docks toward Charon.
Artoise stumbled and grabbed onto my shoulder to balance himself. He nearly dragged me into the water until I leaned to my left and hooked his forearm. I pulled his unsteady body back toward the middle of the narrow dock that was bobbing up and down in the water.