by R. J. Scott
“Worse than super crispy lasagna? I don’t believe you.”
“Okay so it’s not all the time, but he sure has his moments. He’s massacred everything from a side salad to steak to—”
“I love steak,” Nate uttered.
Jared smiled. “Not so sure you’d be saying that if you saw Ethan’s idea of a steak. I love the guy, but he’ll try his hand at anything and has this habit of adding his own twists to recipes. I think it’s the crazy scientist in him. He comes up with some odd creations and I swear given a chance he’d cook everything over a Bunsen burner.” He raised his empty fork and pointed it in Nate’s direction. “And anyway, quit it would you? The lasagna’s not super crispy, just a little crunchy on the outside. It’s fine once you rummage beneath the surface.”
Nate raised an eyebrow. “Why does it sound like you’re describing my father-in-law?”
“Huh?”
In a deep tone, Nate said, “Beneath his crunchy, tough exterior is a big old soft-hearted idiot. All meat and sauce.” He twisted his wine glass on the table, remembered the almost theatrical performance Rhea had given when explaining Pops in advance of Nate meeting her parents for the first time. He chuckled, rubbed the crease at his brow. Maybe the wine was going to his head. “Ignore me.”
“Do you get on with him? Your father-in-law? I met him at the bar the other night, didn’t I?”
“Yes, that’s him, Don, or rather, Pops. Everybody calls him Pops once they get to know him. He’s a teddy bear really, always been this fatherly, lend his ear to anyone and their problems kind of guy, if you know what I mean.”
“Ah, the clichéd role of a bartender.”
Nate nodded. “Pretty much. It suits him, though. I have a barman, Gregg, who’s similar. He’s my second in command, the assistant manager.” He drank the last of the wine in his glass. “He runs things when I’m at home with Luka.”
“Must be good to have someone to rely on.”
“I trust him. Or rather Rhea did. She hired him, must be six, seven years now. I’m glad he stuck around, though I sometimes wonder if he aspires to own a bar of his own someday.” He sucked on his teeth. “I’m sure he said something like that in his interview.”
“Where do you see yourself in ten years? That question?”
“Probably,” Nate said with a chuckle. He stared at his empty glass. Where had Nate seen himself now, ten years ago? He was sure whatever he’d thought, Rhea had been part of it.
He tilted his empty glass. It wasn’t a good idea to drink too much, especially if a single glass had his face feeling flushed and his thoughts lingering in the past. Luka had school in the morning, and Nate planned on sorting through some paperwork once Jared had gone and Luka was in bed.
“Dad,” Luka stuck his head in the gap of the open door. He puffed his cheeks, pulled the door to him so his face was smushed between the door and the frame.
“Need some help?” Nate asked.
Luka shook his head and pushed open the door. “I’m done for today.” He put his hands behind his back and eyed the dishes on the table.
“Do you want some more?”
Luka once again shook his head. “I was just looking.”
“You lost something?” Jared glanced over his shoulder.
Luka stepped forward. “Nope.” He smiled at Nate.
“Oh, I see. Somebody wants that ice cream.” Nate waggled his finger, indicating for Luka to come to him. He hooked his arm around Luka’s waist. “How about you help me get started on clearing up, and when Jared’s ready and everything’s tidy, we can all sit down with big bowls of ice cream.”
Luka squirmed when Nate pinched his side. “Can we watch a movie?”
“Um. We could, but Jared will probably have to go home before it finishes, and I’d hate for him to miss the end.” He looked at Jared. “I mean, you’re welcome to stay if you wanted to. Just, I’m sure you’ve better things to do with your evening.”
Jared placed his cutlery on his empty plate and wiped his hands on his napkin. “I’ve no plans so I can do whatever. It’s fine if you want to kick me out though.”
“There’s no rush.” Nate released Luka and slid back his chair.
“Can I give you a hand?” Jared asked as he held out his plate.
“No need. Luka and I have got this.” He took the plate. “But if you want to help, you can grab the ice cream from the freezer. And bowls and spoons. They’re in the middle cabinet and top drawer on the left. Okay?”
“Spoons, bowls, and ice cream. I can do that.”
“Come on,” Nate said to Luka. “Let’s clear the dirty dishes.”
It didn’t take long to wash and dry the handful of dishes and put away the leftovers. And then, each with a bowl of chocolate ice cream in hand, they headed for the living room. Luka darted in front of them, grabbing the remotes from the coffee table then laying claim to and curling up on the single armchair, leaving Nate and Jared to take the couch.
With a sigh, Nate pressed down the ice cream as it melted. He raised his shoulders. He felt as if someone were watching him. He turned his head to find Jared grinning at him. “What?”
Jared stirred his spoon. “Always got told by my brothers I was weird for pretty much turning my ice cream into an extra thick milkshake any time we had it at home.”
Nate stared down at the creamy goop swirled in the bottom of his dish. He cleared his throat. “Rhea used to…” He checked on Luka who was engrossed in some animated movie he’d chosen. “And then she did it for Luka and I guess I got in the habit, too.” He picked up his spoon and filled his mouth with the lumpy cold paste. He licked his lips. The chocolate was sweeter than he’d thought it was going to be. “It’s good,” he said, hoping to keep the conversation from settling on the past. “Thank you for bringing it.”
“No worries.” Jared licked the ice-cream from his spoon and Nate couldn’t help but let his gaze linger on Jared’s mouth, the way his lips curled around the spoon, and the flick of his tongue.
What the hell am I thinking?
When Jared focused on the TV, Nate was left feeling relieved.
The movie played out over the next eighty minutes. A group of children helping a large fluffy creature find its way home. Nate breathed in as the credits rolled and exhaled out of his nose when he spotted Luka draped over the arm of the chair, his eyes closed.
“Lightweight,” Jared said in a low voice and smiled.
Nate stretched back his shoulders then got to his feet. “Think he was a bit too excited about you coming over.”
He was aware neither him nor Luka had slept well the last two nights. Excitement and joy, fear and doubt. Lots of feelings had stirred inside Nate about inviting Jared into his home.
He crouched down, looking at his openmouthed son. “Hey, Luka.” He gently prodded Luka’s cheek. “Luka.”
Luka groaned and his eyelids fluttered as he woke. He rolled his head. “Huh? Dad? Ten more minutes.”
Nate sighed. “It’s time for bed not school. Come on. Get up.”
Luka licked his lips. Brown chocolatey stains were in the corners of his mouth. He opened his eyes wider and arched his neck. “Jared’s still here.” He sounded a mix of surprised and relieved.
Jared gave him a little wave.
“He is, so come and say goodnight. And make sure to thank him again for the ice cream.”
Luka rolled himself off the chair and landed on his knees on the floor. He stretched his arms above his head, then pulled himself to his feet using the side of the armchair. He went to Jared’s side.
Nate collected the bowls from the coffee table. “Make it quick, then straight to bed. And make sure you wash your mouth properly.” He left Luka to his goodbyes and took the dishes through to the kitchen. He placed them by the sink and rubbed the back of his neck. It was already after eight.
“Need any help?” Jared asked from behind him, startling him.
“Jeez.” Nate turned to face him and leaned back against th
e edge of the counter.
“Sorry. Did I scare you?”
Nate shook his head. “Not really. I was just… I don’t know. Mind wandered I guess.”
“Luka’s gone to brush his teeth.”
“Right.” Nate turned around and turned on the faucet, held his hand under the water waiting for it to run warm. “Sorry if you were bored. It’s been a while since we had guests over.”
“It was fine.”
“Luka was happy you came.” He glanced over his shoulder. Jared had stepped farther into the room.
“He was?”
Nate nodded. He focused on rinsing out the bowls. “Yeah. I don’t know why.”
“Harsh,” Jared said.
Laughing, Nate piled the dishes and turned off the water. “You know I didn’t mean it that way.” He turned around. Jared had moved even closer and the expression he wore made Nate uneasy.
The way he’s looking at me.
It was then Jared asked, “And you?” He ran his hand over the countertop as he took a step. “Were you happy I came?”
Was I?
An ache spread in his chest and it had nothing to do with burned lasagna or feasting on rich ice cream. It hurt and yet, he welcomed the familiar sensation as it spread lower.
Attraction? Desire? Want? It was seeped in the weight of emotions. Looking at Jared, just hanging out with him, those moments had brought feelings to the surface he hadn’t felt or wanted to feel in a long time. His fleeting nights with men like Michael were about escaping. There were no feelings, no connections, and yet with Jared, there was something about him that stirred up Nate’s insides the more time he spent with him.
It’s scary.
“I—”
“Dad!” Luka’s footsteps grew louder as he ran to the kitchen. He jumped through the door, announcing, “All done.” He was already in his pajamas.
Nate cleared his throat. Reset his focus. “Let me see.”
Luka grumbled but walked over to him, leaned his head back, and beamed up at him.
“Ah, yes. All clean,” Nate noted. “Go on. I’ll see you to bed.” He walked past Jared. “If you want to finish the wine or want anything else to eat just help yourself. I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Sure. Night, Luka.”
“Night,” Luka said cheerily.
Nate rested his hand on Luka’s back and guided him out of the kitchen and to his bedroom.
“Is Jared going home now?” Luka asked as he enacted his usual routine of throwing soft toys to the floor and scrambling in a circle until he slid beneath the covers.
“He will be in a little while. I’m sure he has school tomorrow, just like you.” Nate planted a kiss on his head. “So, straight to sleep. Okay?”
Luka wriggled under the cover. “Yep.”
“Goodnight.” Nate backed out of the room, flicking the light switch as he went and pulling Luka’s door closed, leaving a crack for the light from the hallway to filter in. He stared back at the kitchen door. “Jared?” he said.
“In here,” Jared said from the living room.
Nate found Jared, a glass of wine in his hand, standing on the far side in front of the large bookcase that filled half of the wall. He was leaning forward, eying the collection of photo frames. The lower two shelves used to house rows of well-thumbed books, their spines creased, corners tattered from numerous reads. Most had belonged to Rhea, a collection of light romance novels, easy reads she was happy to lose herself in again and again. It had been a week since he’d taken them off there, putting them in a box and sliding them into the bottom of his closet. He wasn’t ready to get rid of them entirely, they were part of the tapestry that had been her. Luka might want them one day.
Why did I put them away? Why now?
He had refilled the shelves with framed photographs and various memories they had collected over the years as a family, and the ones of him and Luka since she’d been gone. One day there would be more photos of him and Luka alone than had ever been taken of them together when Rhea was alive.
He wasn’t cutting her out of his life—he doubted that was ever possible, not when she was still in Luka’s dark eyes, and still had a place in Nate’s heart. But just for a moment, it was as if the veil of grief had lifted a tiny bit more and he was allowing sunshine in.
Jared and his smile. Maybe?
“She really was beautiful,” Jared stated as Nate drew close. “You look happy together.”
Nate stood beside him and gazed at the photographs. “We were.”
“How long since…” He picked up one of the frames. In it was a picture from Nate and Rhea’s wedding day.
“Four years.”
“How did she… Sorry I shouldn’t ask.”
“It’s okay. It was stupid bad luck mainly.” He took the photo from Jared and smoothed a thumb over the picture. They’d been so happy on that day, full of excitement for the future, and in a second it had gone. “It was an aneurysm. One minute she was here and the next…” He passed the photo back to Jared who placed it carefully back on the shelf.
He had wanted to be able to make the most of his life in her memory. Do the things she couldn’t, see things and places she would now never go. But he was finding it so hard—impossibly hard. He knew it was his fault, too consumed by the bar to give himself time to process, too worried about forgetting her to begin to look to the future, and too hung up on the past. Guilt flooded him whenever he thought about doing anything they’d spoken about when for her they were now impossible. He had to put everything he had into seeing their boy grew up happy and healthy.
But am I going about it the right way?
He spent as much time as he could with Luka while still working at the bar. He wanted to provide, to save up so Luka could go to college, just like Jared, so he could do anything he put his mind to.
“You’re doing a good job, you know?” Jared said.
“Sorry?”
“With Luka.”
“Sure,” Nate said dismissively. Did Jared have superpowers after all?
Can he see inside my head?
“I mean it. Because you’re wearing a rather incredible frown right now and I get the impression that’s your ‘Luka’ face.” Jared smiled.
Nate folded his arms across his chest. Jared wasn’t wrong but still… “That’s kind of creepy.”
Jared snorted a laugh. “My bad. But I’m right, aren’t I?”
Nate nodded. “I can’t help worrying about him, and the bar, and the future, and the past. The woes of being a single working father I guess.” He pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes as he studied the picture of Luka from a couple of years ago. “Am I really doing okay? Is Luka okay?”
“He’s loved, looked after, and in the short amount of time I’ve known him, and you, I’d say he’s a lucky kid, and a happy one.”
Nate side-eyed Jared. “Everything looks better with a glass of wine in your hand.”
“You need to stop and just take the compliment. I am a psychology student, remember. I know this stuff.”
Nate worried his lower lip between his teeth. He wasn’t going to win against Jared. He was sure of that. “Fine,” he said. “And thank you.” He met Jared’s eyes. They were a soft hazel-green even in the soft glow of the ceiling lights. “I mean it.”
Jared drained his glass and turned, leaning behind him to slip it onto the edge of the coffee table. When he stood back up, he had closed the gap between them. “You’re welcome,” he said. His gaze lingered on Nate’s.
The moment they shared was heavy and Nate wished Jared would look away.
“You never answered my question before,” Jared stated. A brightness danced in his eyes.
“Which question?” Nate asked, but he already knew what Jared meant.
Why did I ask? I don’t want him to ask. If Jared repeated his question, then Nate would have to answer. There was no Luka to aid in his escape this time.
“Are you happy I came tonight?”
A
h, he said it.
Nate wanted to step back, but Jared kept drawing him in.
I should be honest.
“Yes,” he said. “But…”
“But what?” Jared moved closer, tilting his head as he seemed determined to keep his eyes firmly locked with Nate’s.
“I don’t know.” Nate wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Yes, he was happy and yes, it was scary, but he didn’t mind. In truth, being with Jared made some things less scary.
I’m contradicting myself. I’m so confused.
“Then how about I help you figure it out?”
“How…” His chest tightened as Jared leaned in.
He’s going to kiss me. I should pull away, push him away. I should…
Jared stopped, his lips a breath away from Nate’s as if waiting for Nate to stop him.
I want to. I don’t want to.
Nate closed his eyes, went with the flow and leaned the final distance to the kiss. It was gentle, a lingering connection of their lips as Jared pressed his mouth to Nate’s. Nate swallowed hard, opened his eyes when the kiss ended, and Jared pulled back. A pain tightened his chest and he hugged himself, folding his arms across his stomach. This wasn’t like the sex-driven hookups he’d had in the past, not random kissing for nothing but getting off, this was more—a promise of sorts, and it scared the life out of him.
“Are you okay?” Jared asked. “Sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I said we were friends and a friend… a friend shouldn’t have done that.”
Nate shook his head. “It’s fine. You don’t have to apologize.”
I wanted you to kiss me. I let you.
He glanced at the bookcase, at the photographs, at Rhea. She was right there.
“I’ll go.” It was as if Jared knew the turmoil Nate had found himself in.
“You don’t have to,” Nate managed.
“I do.” Jared stepped back. “And if you decide you don’t want to see me anymore then that’s okay. I get it.”
I don’t want that, but… Please go. I need to think.
Nate didn’t say anything. He stared at the floor as he tried to wrestle with the contradictions that stabbed at him.