Jared

by R. J. Scott

  “It’s not your fault. I kissed you so don’t hate yourself. You didn’t betray anyone.” Jared left the room to where his coat was hanging in the hallway.

  Why are you so understanding? How can you be so selfless?

  Nate followed after him. What should he say?

  Jared opened the apartment door.

  “Jared,” Nate said in a hushed voice. “I don’t hate myself and I didn’t hate…it. I just…”

  “You need some time?” His smile was warm, understanding.

  Nate nodded. “But, if you ever want to stop by the bar, for a cocktail, I wouldn’t mind.”

  Jared ducked his head. “Thank you. I might just do that.” He hesitated, finally saying, “Goodnight, Nate.”

  “Yeah, goodnight,” he said, pushing the door closed once Jared had left.

  It was then the sound of his heart beating filled the quiet apartment. Why did he feel more alone than ever? Why did he think that might be the last time he’d see Jared? What kind of catch was a man with one foot in the past?

  For him, for Jared, for Luka. He needed to work out what he wanted, what the right thing to do was. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes as he touched his lips. Memories of the kiss lingered.

  Could he really live the rest of his life without loving someone?

  What should I do?

  Chapter Eleven

  Jared stayed away from Nate for two whole days. It wasn’t a conscious decision to give Nate space, just that finals were looming, and he was determined to pass this exam with flying colors. His plans for the future depended on him passing with gold stars and fireworks, so he wouldn’t be one of many who passed, but would stand out as the best damn psychology student the college had ever known.

  Only tonight’s studying was a bust.

  He’d completed ten of the twelve courses, and was so close to completing the eleventh, but for some reason Theories of Personality was kicking his ass, and what he needed was a break. Nothing to do with the excitement in the pit of his stomach.

  Who am I kidding? Any excuse to visit the bar is a good one.

  He didn’t have to analyze himself to know that he was desperate to see Nate again, only he had all the feels about how visiting now would be too soon. Nate was so unsure about the past, the future, whether or not he was a good dad, his bar, his wife, and Jared doubted Nate had made any kind of decision in two days about anything that he and Jared could do. Like kiss. Or date. Maybe he should ask Ethan if he wanted to go out, then it wouldn’t be all Jared’s fault if they ended up at Rhea’s Bar.

  “Do you want to go out?” he asked his roommate, who was poring over individual index cards he kept shuffling. “Ethan?”

  “Hmmm?” Ethan murmured, and then in a flurry of movement he switched two of the cards and then stood back to examine him. This is how he worked, visually, messing with compounds and theories and concepts that somehow made sense to him.

  “A drink? You want to get one?”

  “Osmium!” Ethan announced with dramatic flair, then swept all the cards off the table and pulled out a new set of cards still in their cellophane. Jared watched him fumble at getting the plastic off the cards, and took it from him, pulling out the cards and handing them to Ethan who blinked at him like a newborn in daylight.

  “That’s a no on going out then.”

  Ethan blinked at him some more. “Osmium,” he said, as if stating random elements made all the sense in the world.

  “Definitely a no then.” Jared patted his friend on the back as he backed away from the mad scientist in training. It seemed as if it was just him on his own, heading out for a drink with no purpose other than to get out of the apartment and burn off some angst over all the studying. And now he couldn’t even blame Ethan.

  So he’d find a local bar. The drink could be at any place—he didn’t have to go to a place where Nate might be working. Even if he went to Rhea’s, with its cozy atmosphere and its cocktails, that didn’t mean that Nate would even be there at seven in the evening. He might be home with Luka, so what did it hurt to go to a bar he knew and liked? Somehow in all of that thinking, he’d concluded that it was fine to go to Rhea’s Bar, and with that he grabbed his coat, keys, and wallet, and headed out. He chose to ignore that he’d pulled on his best jeans, changed into the softest T-shirt he owned, plus added the smartest button-down in his closet, shaved, styled his hair, and used cologne.

  Just a normal everyday visit to any bar in New York.

  Kind of.

  He knew where he was going, because the thought of seeing Nate again made him smile, and he desperately wanted to just talk to him. Or kiss him. Or both.

  He was disappointed not to see Nate behind the bar, instead he spotted Pops watching another guy who was mixing and muddling and doing whatever it took to create a cocktail. When the coolness of the city gusted in with Jared, he shut the door as Pops looked up, saw him, and then smiled in welcome.

  “Just in time, kid!” he exclaimed, and gestured him over. “Jared, meet Gregg.”

  Gregg and Jared shook hands. This must be the Gregg who maybe wanted his own bar one day, and he did seem very proficient with the way he handled the bottles. “We’re making… what’s it called again, Gregg?”

  “Rum Martinez—”

  “Rum, maraschino liqueur, vermouth, but we don’t have toasted wood chips or digital smoke infuser, so apparently it will never be as good as the original, but we could always rename it to like, I don’t know, Rhea’s Rum, or something. Let us know what you think.”

  “I actually came in to see—”

  “Just a sip.”

  Jared did as he was asked, the smokiness of the mixed liquors hitting the back of his throat and filling his mouth with warmth. He was tempted to drink it all, but that wasn’t how tastings worked, right?

  “Really good,” he summarized, then pushed the crystal tumbler back to Pops.

  “Hmmm,” Gregg murmured, and then traced his finger down a list on a sheet of paper. “Would you say that wood chips would make it more or less—”

  “He won’t know that,” Pops interrupted Gregg who went back to his list. “I bet you’re here to see Nate, right?”

  “I was just going to get a drink,” Jared lied.

  Pops raised a single eyebrow in silent comment. “You just caught him, he’s in the office but he’s heading home soon,” Pops explained all of that then topped it off with a smile and a wink and thumbed to the door in the corner. “He’s been in there too long.”

  “Is it okay to just—”

  “He’s got his head in numbers, go rescue him.” He slid the tumbler back, then pushed another toward Jared. “On the house, take this for Nate and ask him what he thinks, then tell him to go home. We got this.”

  Jared took the glass with him, heading around the bar, and knocking on the door, hearing a muffled come in, peeked inside. Nate’s serious expression vanished in an instant, in fact it wasn’t so much pleasure as utter relief.

  “Since when did four plus four not equal eight?” he blurted, and Jared placed the cocktail in front of him.

  “Pops said you need to try that,” he lied. “And to tell you that you need to go home.”

  “I will as soon as I get this to balance.”

  “Give me the math.”

  He poked at his laptop, and then slid it over. “I swear numbers will be the end of me.”

  Jared only had to glance at the sheet he was working on to see where the error was. “You’re rounding up or down all the way through so it’s inevitable that you’ll be out at the end, because you’re adding up what’s behind the numbers, not what you see on the screen.”

  Nate took a sip of the drink and looked at Jared with a blank expression. “Can you… magic…” He waved at the laptop, and Jared leaned over, followed the formulas back to the root of the issue, then a couple of changes later and everything added up. Not just that but Nate had finished his cocktail, staring at the empty glass as if it was
going to bite him.

  “That’s good,” he muttered, and then glanced up at Jared and gave him a shy smile. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” Jared sat on the edge of the desk, crossing his legs at his ankles and sipping his drink.

  “You’re here.”

  “You sound shocked.”

  Nate sighed and shook his head. “You came over, we watched a kids’ movie and ate crispy lasagna, then I moped, the kiss was really quick, and I thought for sure I’d never see you again.”

  Jared counted the items on his fingers. “You didn’t mope, I loved the movie, and the lasagna, and spending time with you and Luka.” He put his empty glass down, then held out a hand, and after a moment’s pause Nate took it and allowed himself to be tugged to his feet. “And the kiss was so perfect I’d like to do it again.” Nate almost melted into him, but then he pulled back as if a thought suddenly occurred to him.

  “I’m working for the next few nights, but after that, I made a decision that we should get dinner or something? Or not a decision, but there’s a lot of things to think about, and I decided to ask you on a date… shit, I’m crap at this.”

  “A date would be good.” Jared tugged a little more and Nate had to take a step forward to keep his balance. “There’s this awesome diner I know that has these old-fashioned slot machines, give Luka a roll of quarters and he would love them.”

  “No, not with… not that I don’t appreciate that you want to include Luka, because he’s a really important part of my life, but… look, I’m messing this up. I meant just the two of us. Maybe?”

  “You did?” Another tug and Nate was just one tiny step away, but even though Jared had thought of nothing else but kissing Nate again, the next move had to be on Nate. “Like a date for real?”

  “We’d have to go later, or maybe Saturday, if I could get Pops to cover. Luka has been on his best behavior recently since… you know, so I agreed to let him go to a sleepover, and so I wouldn’t have to worry about messing with Luka’s weekend, because we have to get him new shoes, and somehow it’s going to be a circus, because he hates shopping.” He stopped talking. “Why am I even telling you that? My life is messy, but I wouldn’t change it, only I don’t know why you’d want to take this on, so maybe we shouldn’t even start with a date, because one day you will—”

  Jared pressed a finger to Nate’s lips. Sunday, he had a job with a regular client, a last minute booking for a yachting event, or something to do with the docks and boats. To be honest he hadn’t been listening to Rowan because he knew he’d get a file sent over in plenty of time and there was no way he could mess up a two-hour date where all he had to do was smile and act like a professional.

  “Saturday is great. Although I can’t stay long, I have work early on Sunday, and I’m knee-deep in exams.”

  “So Saturday it is, for dinner, just us.” He seemed so focused, as if he’d made some huge decision and had found his resolve, or was that just wishful thinking on Jared’s part?

  “That sounds perfect.”

  Something changed in Nate’s expression, focus replaced by unexpected determination. He moved closer, not completely trapping Jared against the desk, but when his tongue flicked out to wet his lips, it was obvious what he was asking. “I would really like to kiss you, again. This time for real.”

  Jared cradled Nate’s face. “Sounds good.”

  Finally, Nate took that single move to bring them together and their lips met in a soft kiss. Once. Then again. The first time was quick, a test, the second lingered a bit longer, and it could have been more, but Nate pulled back. He pressed his hands to Jared’s shoulders and held him still.

  “It’s important that I tell you, Luka will always come first.”

  “I know.”

  “And I’m not looking for a new mom or dad for Luka because the two of us are okay as we are.”

  Jared’s chest hollowed at the pain in Nate’s voice, but he tried very hard not to let Nate see his reaction. When he thought of Nate and Luka together he saw an impenetrable unit built on love, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be allowed inside, but right now he’d take every kiss he could get and be happy with it.

  “It’s just a kiss,” Jared whispered. “I’m not looking to suddenly be Luka’s dad, or your new start, I just think that kissing might be nice.” Nice was underselling what he’d felt, because even the most chaste of kisses had sent shockwaves through his body, and not just because it was a wonderful kiss, but because Nate had lowered one of his barriers and let them try.

  That was big.

  “I want one more before I go home, and I really have to go home because I promised Luka a game of Jenga, and we’re reading The Hobbit. The kids’ version, with pictures, but we’ve just got to the troll bit and… yeah, I really want to go home.”

  Jared didn’t miss the hint, kissing him before he changed his mind, and both of them laughing into the kiss in their eagerness to get closer. He could stay here all night, taking his fill of Nate, but he hadn’t missed the urgency in Nate’s voice. When they parted it was Nate who chased for more, but he snapped out of it.

  “I need to leave.”

  Jared wasn’t ready for whatever this was to end, and they were, after all, heading vaguely in the same direction. “Me too,” he lied, and quirked a smile, “we can go together.”

  Nate shrugged on his jacket and pulled a beanie down over his dark hair. “Let’s go then.”

  They stood together on the platform as they waited for the next train. The wind was cold around them and they huddled closer until the train arrived and then darted on, huffing laughs as the door closed and they could work on getting warm. There were no seats, so they ended up moving through to stand and hold onto the bar, so close that Jared could’ve kissed Nate again.

  Not the time or place. Not yet.

  He didn’t even kiss him when they reached Nate’s stop and Nate whispered a goodbye.

  “Saturday,” he said instead.

  “I suppose… did you want to come up?”

  Oh god, he really wanted to go up, see Luka, play Jenga and listen to Jared read The Hobbit, but he instinctively understood that this would be the wrong kind of step to take.

  “You have your evening planned, and I need to study, but say hi to Luka for me, and think about the diner with the slot machines, because it’s fun and Luka would love it, yeah?”

  Nate looked at him with a thoughtful expression. “I think you really mean it.”

  “Why wouldn’t I? Luka’s a good kid, fun, bright, just like all my nieces and nephews back home.”

  “You’re a special kind of person, Jared.” Nate lowered his head. Maybe he was just confused.

  Jared attempted to lighten the moment. “Funny thing is, my family say I’m special as well, only not in a good way.”

  At last, with a smile on his face, Nate left, and Jared waited until the entry door shut behind him before leaving.

  Then he walked home, counting down the hours until Saturday.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Hey, Nate. A hand. Please.” Pops leaned from behind the stack of boxes he was carrying and stared at Nate.

  Nate stared back. “Oh.” He pocketed his cell. “Sorry,” he said and took the top box. It was lighter than he had imagined. “What are these?” He slid the box onto the counter, tilting his head to read the contents.

  “Chips,” Pops said.

  “Huh?”

  “Gregg spoke to ya, right? About the new range of bar snacks? The fancy ones.”

  Nate scratched behind his ear. “Um. Maybe?”

  “He did. I was there,” Abi said as she stood, having been crouched by one of the fridges.

  Nate opened his mouth, glaring at her. “Well, there you go then. Guess he did.”

  Abi chuckled. “I wouldn’t bother tryin’ to get any sense out of Nate today,” she said to Pops. “He’s been in a world of his own since I got here.”

  Nate side-eyed Abi. “Traitor,” he uttered. He didn’t wa
nt to discuss what was going on in his head, and certainly not with Pops.

  “So,” Pops folded his arms on top of one of the boxes he’d put on the bar, “what is it? Maybe we can help.” He lifted a finger, pointing between himself and Abi.

  Nate shook his head. “It’s nothing, honestly.” Since the night Jared had kissed him, his head had been a mess. It didn’t matter whether he talked to anybody else or not, in the end it was a decision he had to make, and eventually, he had. When Jared showed up at the bar, he knew if he wanted to keep on spending time with him, he had to take a step.

  A step? It had felt like a whole damn leap. But he’d done it, he’d asked Jared out.

  And now what?

  “Nothing, huh. Try saying that again, maybe this time you’ll sound like you mean it.” Pops grinned.

  Nate sighed. “Where do people go to eat?”

  “Is this a trick question?” Pops raised an eyebrow and glanced over to Abi.

  Abi threw up her hand. “Oh, oh, I know. Pick me.”

  “I mean, what kind of food. If you were taking someone out to eat. Where would you take them?” Nate tried to be vague but was pretty sure he just came across as talking nonsense.

  Pops stroked his bearded jaw. “I guess that depends on the someone.”

  “You mean a date,” Abi stated.

  Nate lowered his head and looked at Pops through his lashes. “It’s not like that.”

  “Uh huh.” Abi’s eyes sparkled with excitement. “You’ve so got a date.”

  “You do?” Pops sounded surprised, but the smile on his face was gentle, warm. “Is this why you wanted me to cover for you on Saturday?”

  “It’s not a date. It’s…” Nate kneaded his brow. “Yes, I have a date,” he admitted. He had the overwhelming urge to apologize to Pops.

  Pops nodded, and then patted the top of the box he was resting against. “Abi, I think I’ll leave this one to you.” He stood straight. “I’ll finish restocking the fridges.”

  “Don,” Nate said without thinking.

  “Hey now. Don’t go getting all serious on me. Way I see it, it’s a good thing you’re goin’ on a date.” Pops’ eyes filled with emotion, a strange happy-sad in them. He cleared his throat. “It really is.” He smiled. “But I’ll leave this to the young folk.” As he walked away he said, “Abi, good luck with this guy.”