by L.H. Cosway
“Your boyfriend’s over there,” he muttered, his head turning lazily to me, eyes bleary and bloodshot.
I looked in the direction he gestured, and saw Jack sitting with a group of men and women. He held a can of beer in his hand and wore a blank stare as a brunette spoke in his ear, alternating between touching his arm and running her hand along his leg. My heart lurched possessively to see another woman all over him, especially considering what had been brewing between us. I swallowed back the emotion, trying not to let the pain I felt inside bubble to the surface.
“If he was my boyfriend, he wouldn’t have some French tart all over him right now,” I said, my skin prickling with jealousy.
King laughed loudly, which garnered Jack’s attention. His eyes found me immediately, blazing with some kind of emotion. His gaze darkened, and then all of a sudden he wasn’t blanking the brunette anymore. He put his hand over hers on his leg and spoke into her ear now, returning her attention.
“Fucking hearts, who’d have them, eh?” said King in a surprisingly sympathetic voice, nudging me with his elbow.
I looked to him, and he seemed like he was actually trying to make me feel better. It made my heart squeeze. Here was a man at his lowest ebb, drowning in his own addiction to alcohol, showing me kindness. “Sometimes we don’t get a choice in the matter, unfortunately,” I replied.
King raised the bottle to his mouth and drank. A long quiet elapsed and I got the feeling he was somewhere else in his head for a moment. “Yeah, you’re right about that,” he finally whispered.
I was distracted when I heard someone coughing. At a nearby table, I saw Pedro with Luan and Raphael, and he looked a little worse for wear. He’d clearly caught the same flu as Lola, which got my mind racing. Was he the one who’d attacked her last night? Given his previous behaviour, it wouldn’t surprise me to discover it was him. Then Luan blew his nose with a tissue, and my theory cracked. Luan and Lola were close. I didn’t know all the details of their relationship, but it would make sense that he caught the flu from Lola and Pedro caught it from him.
My attention went to Jack again. This time the woman was straddling his lap and kissing her way down his neck. And he was just sitting there, letting her, while he stared at me. My stomach twisted, and all of a sudden I felt sick. This situation was so messed up.
“Ah, the push and pull,” said King. I was so focused on Jack that I couldn’t pay much attention to King’s words; my head was too preoccupied trying to figure out what he was playing at. His behaviour was so confusing. Maybe he was some sort of sociopath who got off on making girls think he had feelings for them and then pushing them away completely. Because that was clearly what he was trying to do now, letting some strange woman grope him while I watched. He might as well have been pissing all over my emotions.
I stood, made sure to concentrate all the disdain I had inside me into a single look, gave that look to Jack, then strode out of the party. I was proud of myself. I might have been feeling like crap on the inside, but at least I’d kept my dignity. I hadn’t gone over and started shouting at him like a jealous lunatic. When I reached the camper, I stood outside, my hand on my heart. This shit hurt so bad. I was dangerously close to ticking off item number eleven, and it felt truly awful.
Perhaps my list was just a load of bullshit after all.
***
The next morning, I made my way to the gazebo to get some breakfast for Lola. I had to pass by Jack’s camper to get there, and I hurried my pace as I approached. Much to my dismay, he was already outside, hair damp from a shower and a mug of coffee in his hand. I muttered some choice words to myself and plastered on a brave face.
“Good morning,” I said to him curtly, and continued walking.
“Lille,” he called after me, and I stopped, turning around. It would be just my luck that he’d want to torture me, make this so much worse than it already was. The sad thing was that even after last night, I still cared for him immensely. Perhaps I was being foolish, but I couldn’t seem to turn my emotions on and off like he could.
“Yes?” I replied, glancing over his shoulder and inside his camper. My heart was thumping fast as I wondered if the woman from last night was there. I wondered if he’d taken her into his bed and let her touch him in places I wanted to belong only to me. His gaze followed mine, and he frowned.
“What are you looking at?”
“Just checking to see if the latest notch on your bedpost is still hanging around,” I bit out, and instantly wanted to take the words back. Now he knew he’d succeeded in hurting me.
He knocked back the last of his coffee, ran a hand through his hair, and looked away. “She’s not here.”
“Oh, kicked her out after the deed was done, did you? How gentlemanly.”
Now he looked at me, and the expression on his face made me shiver. “There was no need to kick her out. She was never here.”
I folded my arms and rolled my eyes. I was so pissed off, and I think he knew it. “Even more gentlemanly. Gave her a knee-trembler behind the gazebo, then?”
His lips twitched before he let out a chuckle. “A knee-trembler? Only fifty-year-old men are allowed to use that term, Lille.”
I scowled at him and turned to leave. I’d only gotten a few steps away when he caught my arm to stop me. My back was to his front as he locked my arm out and held it firmly to his chest. His breath hit my neck as he said quietly, “I wasn’t with her, okay? How can I possibly be with anyone else when you’ve taken over my every thought?”
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. His question melted my insides. The way his voice shook slightly told me he was telling the truth and that it was hard for him. All the strength went out of me as my body sank into his.
“You can’t say stuff like that if you’re going to do things like you did last night. You can’t keep pushing me away, then pulling me back all the time,” I whispered.
“I know,” said Jack, his big, warm body pressing into mine. “That’s why you need to stay away from me.” He loosened his grip on my arm and I stepped back, turning to face him.
“I don’t want to stay away.”
His eyes scorched. “If you knew the truth, you would.”
“The truth? What truth?”
“About the things I want to do to you. With other women I can restrain myself, but with you, I’m not sure I could. That’s why it will never work between us. The way you look at me, Lille, like you’ll let me own you, all I have to do is say the word. You don’t want to be owned by me.”
I frowned at him, remembering how he’d said something like this before.
“And what if I do want to?”
“You don’t. Life twists some of us in strange ways, ways that shape us to always be alone, and I’m one of them.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just stared at him. Our staring contest ended when Julie sauntered by wearing a tiny sundress, her hair curled like a fifties pinup.
“Looking good this morning, Jack,” she said sweetly. I felt like telling her to piss off, that she was interrupting a private and perhaps monumental conversation. She gave me a narrow-eyed glance, then focused her attention back on Jack. He barely even registered her presence, just kept on staring at me with an intensity that was far too overwhelming. I couldn’t take much more, so I turned and went.
He didn’t follow.
Four days passed by in a blur. A good deal of the circus workers had fallen ill with the flu, so we were all working double time in an effort to keep everything afloat. When I felt the beginnings of it coming on myself, I took a whole bunch of vitamin tablets, made sure I got a full night’s sleep, and that seemed to work in staving it off.
By the time we were moving on to Lyon, Lola had recovered; however, she still wasn’t back to her usual self. I’d often catch her with a haunted, faraway look in her eyes, and I knew she was thinking of the night of her attack. I couldn’t blame her. It was at the forefront of my mind, too. I was constantly wonderi
ng about the attacker’s identity. Was it just some random person? Or was it the very same person who’d killed Vera, the burlesque dancer?
Violet offered to drive the four hours it took to get to Lyon, which was out of character, but I guessed she was still wearing her kid gloves with Lola. When we arrived at our destination, it was outside the city, in a gorgeous countryside setting quite like when we’d been in Caen, just more majestic somehow. It wasn’t far from the city, though, and was easy enough for people to reach if they wanted to come see the show.
Lola had spent most of the journey in our room, so I went to see how she was doing. When I stepped inside, I knew instantly that she’d been crying, because her eyes were red and her lips were all puffy. She seemed embarrassed when we locked eyes, so I didn’t mention her appearance. Instead, I decided to try to cheer her up. I’d been working on a painting of her the last couple of days, and now was as good a time as any to give it to her.
“I have a present for you,” I said. “Stay there.”
I went to retrieve the painting I’d done on a small ten-by-ten-inch canvas. The picture was very Andy Warhol inspired, and showed a colourful caricature of Lola’s face on a background of popcorn and candyfloss. I set it on the bed in front of her and stood back to take in her reaction.
“Well, what do you think?” I asked, biting a little at my fingernails.
She picked up the canvas and stared at it for a long time. Her voice was all breathy when she finally spoke. “Honestly, Lille, where did I find you?”
“In a boring old town in the back arse of nowhere,” I replied humorously, and she smiled.
“You’re too much. I think my guardian angel sent you. He must have known I needed a friend.”
“Your guardian angel’s a man?”
She gave me a little wry look, and for the first time in days, I saw a hint of the old Lola coming back to life. “Of course. I like to imagine he’s hopelessly in love with me, but we can never be together because it’s against the rules.”
I laughed. “Sounds like a book I wouldn’t mind reading.”
She smiled at me, a full-on happy smile, and I felt something in my chest untighten. “It does, doesn’t it?” A short silence elapsed before she said, “Seriously, though, I love this painting. I’ll treasure it always.”
What she said had me walking towards the bed and taking her into a long, tight hug. I knew the memories of what had happened would always haunt her, but if I could make her feel a little bit better, then I’d done my job.
***
There was an air of excitement about the circus as the workers set up camp in Lyon. When I went to the gazebo, I found Winnie and her two daughters putting up decorations, and I asked if it was somebody’s birthday.
“No, dear,” said Winnie. “It’s the anniversary of Konrad’s death, the founder of the circus. We have a celebration every year to mark the day. Marina insists on it. Did you know they used to be lovers?”
Her daughters giggled as they untangled some frilly ribbons at her mentioning Marina having a lover.
“Really?”
She nodded. “They were together for a very long time. Never married, though. Konrad was forever asking her, but Marina always said no, said that it wasn’t because she didn’t love him, but more that she didn’t believe in the institution of marriage.”
“Oh. That’s kind of romantic, actually.”
“You think so?” Winnie questioned curiously.
“Well, yeah, staying together for love is better than staying together because of a piece of paper. The paper is the prison. Making the choice to stay with someone without the prison feels more like true love to me.”
Winnie grinned and gave me a perceptive look. “Your parents divorced, didn’t they?”
I only shrugged before I heard recognisable laughter from behind and turned to see Marina approaching. Her red hair was up in an intricate French twist, and she wore a long black dress that would have looked like Victorian mourning garb if it weren’t for the bustier and cleavage. On any other woman her age, I would have said the cleavage was excessive, but somehow it suited her.
“I knew there was a reason why I liked you,” she said as she came to stand beside me. I felt a little embarrassed to be caught talking about her, but I knew she didn’t mind after she squeezed my hand and gave me a wink. I caught a quick flash of Jack walking by, his eyes meeting mine for a fraction of a second before he was gone again. This was how things had been the past few days. Catching glimpses of him, but no real contact. He was keeping his distance, and I constantly felt like my lungs were burning.
I wanted to reach out to him, but feared being pushed away again. I’d been agonising over what he’d said, trying to figure out what it all meant, but I knew deep down he’d been purposefully vague. He didn’t want me to know the truth, whatever it was.
So tonight was all about celebrating. I decided I was going to force myself to have a good time, even though my heart had other ideas. The stupid thing wanted me lying in bed, agonising over Jack and his sudden distance. And no way was I letting that happen.
When I arrived back at the camper, I found Lola and Violet in the living area, doing each other’s hair and makeup. This whole attack thing had really brought them closer together. It was heart-warming to see their friendship evolving, and, let’s face it, my heart definitely needed a bit of warmth these days.
For the party, Lola talked me into wearing a tight little black dress she owned but never wore because it was too big for her. Surprise, surprise, it fit me perfectly, and I hardly recognised myself as I examined my appearance in our tiny bathroom mirror. Violet had done my makeup all smoky and dark, which made my blue-grey eyes look brighter somehow, and Lola curled my straight blonde hair into flowing waves.
“I have to say, we all look hot as fuck tonight,” Lola declared as we stood in the kitchen, passing around a small bottle of vodka and taking turns knocking it back. Violet and I both looked at each other and laughed. Our Lola was back, and it felt really good to see her being her old self again.
I knew choosing to wear heels was a bad decision when I stepped outside onto the grass and felt the vodka take hold. Thankfully, Lola linked her arm through mine for balance before I could stumble to my knees. When we arrived at the gazebo, I recognised some of the circus workers had formed a band; one guy played the accordion, one played an acoustic guitar, and the third beat his hands on a wooden barrel he was using as a drum. The music they played was loud and rhythmic, and it made me feel excited.
“Fucking show-offs,” I heard Violet mutter grumpily, and my eyes wandered in the direction she was looking. Just to the right of the gazebo was a tall tree, lit up in the dark by dozens of tea light candles nestled at its base. Its branches spread out like veins fifteen feet high in the air. From the branches hung three women in various poses, and I instantly recognised it was Julie and her sisters. They hung from the silk they usually used in their act, but unlike inside the Spiegeltent, none of them were moving.
It was certainly a striking scene, and though I wasn’t exactly fond of Julie, I thought that what she and her sisters had created was beautiful. Mary’s limbs were spread out like a starfish, while Molly wrapped her body around the silk, clinging to it like a koala. Julie’s pose was the pièce de resistance, as she hung elegantly in the middle, the silk holding her at the waist.
“Don’t be so cynical, Vi,” said Lola, nudging her with her elbow. “It’s performance art. I think it looks pretty.”
“It’s a pity none of them are pretty on the inside.”
“Okay, so Julie might be a bitch, but Mary and Molly are okay,” Lola conceded as she followed Violet over to a table of drinks and party food. I stood in place, still taking in the scene. They’d chosen the strongest three branches to hang from, and they were so still I began to wonder if they were even breathing. It was mesmerising, and I hated to admit it, but I’d give anything to have a couple of hours right now to paint them.
&nb
sp; I felt rather than saw the movement to my left, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Jack standing there. His eyes weren’t on the sisters, they were on me, and I felt positively violated as they wandered from my face to my chest and then all down my body and back up again. He was definitely noticing my more glamorous than usual appearance, and I so desperately wanted to know what he thought of it.
Did he like this me better than the everyday me?
Did glamour and makeup mean anything to him?
I got the distinct feeling that it didn’t. I mean, sometimes he wore eyeliner as part of his act, but that was all just for dramatics, to make him look as dark and mysterious as the art he performed. I wouldn’t be surprised if Marina had suggested it to him. I just couldn’t see Jack thinking to wear eyeliner on his own.
I felt suspended in time and space as I slowly turned to him and gave him a look of acknowledgement. It said, I know you’re there, and I know you’re not going to talk to me. I pulled myself away and went to find Violet and Lola. They were sitting with the Brazilian stuntmen, which was just fantastic, since I’d promised myself I’d keep my distance from Pedro. The place was crowded and there wasn’t anywhere else to sit, so I sighed and gave in, taking a spot across from him. He openly leered at me, his seedy gaze contradicting the fun-loving, carefree image he tried to present to everyone else.
He said something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch, but I got the distinct sense it wasn’t friendly. My hackles rose instantly, and I was about to give up on this party before it had even started when somebody slid onto the bench next to me, making it a very tight squeeze. His smell was so familiar, and the tension inside me loosened just to have Jack close.