by L.H. Cosway
I heard him call out, “Jack! Jack!” but his voice melded into the noise of the cheers. Jack walked from one end of the stage to the other, taking a bow each time. When he rose from the final bow, he must have heard something, because his attention flickered across the audience. Then, as though in slow motion, his attention landed on Jay, who stood in the middle of an aisle, just a few feet shy of the stage. Time stood still, and my heart thundered in my ears as Jack stared at his brother, eyes dark and uncomprehending.
“Jack, it’s me. It’s Jay,” he called, but still Jack didn’t respond. A flash of anger passed over his face, his entire body coiling tight before he swung around, turning his back on his brother and disappearing through the curtains. Seeing Jack flee, Jay jumped up onto the stage quick as a flash and chased after him. Matilda and I exchanged glances before we both began moving through the audience to follow them.
I could hear Jay calling out, “Jack! Jack! Wait a minute!” We followed his voice until we were out in the back of the circus, where many of the camper vans were parked. Jay finally reached his brother and grabbed him by the shoulder to stop him. Jack spun around and glared at Jay, his eyes blacker than obsidian in the dark. The lights from inside the Spiegeltent flashed through the stained glass windows, casting the brothers in alternating shades of red, green, yellow, purple, and blue.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” Jack hissed as he glared daggers at his brother.
“Let me explain,” Jay pleaded, chest heaving from the effort exerted in chasing down Jack.
“There’s nothing to explain. I have no idea how you found me or what you’re doing here, but you need to leave. I don’t want to see you.”
Jay was fumbling in his pocket, and my gut sank when I saw him retrieve my letter. “I got this letter in the mail. It told me where you were,” said Jay, right before Jack snatched the paper from him, his eyes flashing with fury as he scanned the words. He seemed confused for a moment as he put two and two together. Then he glanced to his brother, gaze flickering back and forth, brow furrowed. I was hit with the weight of a thousand bricks when suddenly Jack’s eyes landed on me. Those eyes were heavy with betrayal and accusation, and for a moment I found it difficult to breathe. He strode toward me with purpose and tossed the letters at my feet.
“How could you do this? I trusted you, Lille, I fucking trusted you!”
“Wait, Jack, listen. It’s not what you think,” I pleaded but he cut me off.
“Not what I think? So you didn’t steal this letter I wrote and send it to my brother without telling me? It just so happened to find its way to him by magic, did it?”
“No, but you have to understand, I did it all because I care for you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was trying help you.” Tears were streaming down my face as I moved to touch him, but he flinched away from me.
“I told you I hated him. I told you how he abandoned me, how fucked up my life was after. How in the hell could you be trying to help me by bringing him here?”
Before I spoke, Jay cut in. He was now standing right behind his brother. “I didn’t abandon you, Jack. You have it all wrong.”
Jack spun on him. “Shut the fuck up! I don’t want to hear it. I don’t even want to look at you.” He took a pained breath and shoved Jay back with both his hands. Jay took the hit without reciprocating. “Just stay the hell way from me, you selfish fuck!” His voice had become choked, and before I knew it, he was looking at me again with those pained eyes, and I felt my heart breaking, shattering into a million tiny pieces.
“You know what drew me to you from the very beginning, Lille? It wasn’t your pretty face, your big grey eyes, or your beautiful smile. It was because for the first time in my life I felt like I was looking at a person I could trust. Someone so open and without malice that they didn’t even possess the ability to betray, but I was wrong. And how wrong I was is destroying me inside.”
His words made my stomach twist and my throat tighten in agony.
“Jack, please,” I begged, trying to grab for him again, but he wouldn’t let me touch him.
“Hey, look, you need to calm down,” Jay interjected while Jack glowered at him hatefully. “I never abandoned you. Listen to me for one fucking minute, would you?”
Jack’s chest rose and fell with his anger, but he didn’t speak. Instead, he waited for Jay to finish. “Up until I got this letter, I thought you were dead. That’s what our sick fuck of an uncle told me. I should have questioned it, but I didn’t. I was only a kid. I didn’t know you were still alive until your girl sent me this letter, and still I thought it was someone playing a sick joke, but I had to find out for myself. Then I come here and I see you, and it’s really you, but you fucking hate me. You have to understand that everything you thought was true was a lie. I was told you died in that fire with our parents, Jack. That’s why I never came for you. Because if I thought there was even a single shred of a chance you’d still be alive, then I would have destroyed the entire world to find you. You’re my brother. I love you. Please understand that none of what happened was within either of our power to change.”
Jack stared at Jay, and little by little I could see the fight go out of him as he absorbed the words. He swallowed hard, and the tension left his body, only to be replaced with sheer agony. He turned away from Jay, his back broad and tanned in the darkness, shoulders moving up and down as he tried to compose himself.
“You’re lying,” he said, the words so quiet I barely heard them. “This is all a lie. You’re trying to manipulate me,” he went on, voice small and choked with emotion.
“I’m not lying, Jack,” Jay said, taking a tentative step forward until he was right behind him. I saw him notice the scarring on Jack’s shoulder, his face contorting with sympathy and pain at the sight of it. It was a reminder of the house fire, the catalyst for all they had been through.
“Don’t touch me,” Jack pleaded, right before Jay threw his arms around Jack’s shoulders and hugged him from behind. Jay held on for dear life while Jack fought the hug, straining in Jay’s arms, but Jay held firm.
“It’s the truth, Jack,” he murmured. “It’s the truth. You’re my brother, and I love you. And I swear to God, from this day on, you’ll never be alone again.”
All of a sudden, the tension left him, and Jack sagged in his brother’s arms. I could tell from the way his chest moved that he was crying. I thought Jay might be, too. I’d never witnessed such a scene before in my life, and I was completely undone by it. Two big, strong men, shattered by their pasts, so wholly ruined by it, embracing one another. Tears rolled down my face until I could taste the saltiness against my lips. When I looked at Matilda, I saw that she was crying, too.
“I’ll never let you go again,” Jay said, right before Jack turned and embraced him properly. My heart squeezed to see him do it, and even if Jack could never forgive me for what I’d done, I’d always have this memory. I’d always have the knowledge that my actions had brought two broken, hurting souls together. And perhaps by reuniting him with his brother, Jack would truly learn how to heal.
I felt soft, cool fingers touch against mine and looked down to see Matilda take my hand in hers. We both watched the brothers for a moment before she murmured gently to me, “Come on, let’s leave them alone for a little while. I’ve a feeling they’re going to have a lot to talk about.”
I nodded solemnly and allowed her to lead me away. Before I knew it, we were back at Violet’s camper, sitting on the steps and staring off into the night.
“I can’t believe their uncle would lie like that. I mean, where’s the payoff?” I said, not really expecting any answers.
Matilda took a breath and then started to speak. “I’m not sure there’s a payoff, not in the traditional sense, anyway. Jay’s told me a lot about his uncle Killian. After their parents died, he was the one who took Jay in and raised him, though his idea of raising a kid was fairly skewed. He was a professor of behavioural science and had this big important positio
n at Harvard. But he used to get off on messing with people’s heads. He was constantly playing mind games on Jay until he’d finally had enough of it and ran away. I guess telling Jay that Jack was dead was just another one of his mind games. He got a kick out of separating them, I suppose.”
“He sounds like a sociopath,” I said, appalled by what she was telling me. By the sounds of it, just like Jack, Jay hadn’t had it so easy, either.
“That’d be about the size of it,” Matilda said, smoothing her hands over her skirt.
There was a stretch of silence before I spoke again, and this time my voice was laced with misery. “Jack hates me for what I did. I don’t think he’s going to forgive me.”
Matilda made sympathetic noises as she leaned close and put her arm around my shoulders. “No, that’s not true. What you did was incredibly brave. You sacrificed yourself in order to reunite him with his brother, and I for one am unendingly grateful to you. Family means the world to Jay, and seeing his brother again after all these years is the biggest gift anyone could ever give him. Jack will forgive you — you just need to allow him time to process everything. It’s a lot to take in.”
“Yeah,” I said, sniffling.
We were quiet for a long time. Usually I’d feel awkward being silent with someone I’d just met, but with Matilda, that wasn’t the case. In a way, she was having all the same feelings as I was right now. She just didn’t have the prospect of losing the man she loved dumped on top of it.
I was starting to feel a little less emotional when Matilda spoke again. “Jack is kind of beautiful, isn’t he?” she said, her voice awed. “I mean, Jay is, too — it’s just that Jack was always the little one. The younger brother. Now he’s bigger than Jay. Such a man, and wow, when he’s on the stage, he just shines. It’s incredible to see.”
I stared at her, curious. “You knew Jack when he was a kid?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I used to live next door to both of them before their house burned down. Jay and Jack didn’t have the best of upbringings even before all that. Their dad was a violent drunk, and they’d be left hungry a lot. I used to give them food and stuff.” She shrugged as though it was no big deal.
I mustered a smile for her. “You must have been a very kind child.”
“It wasn’t really intentional. I just liked being around them, helping them, you know. I must have made an impression, because Jay always remembered me. It’s kind of a long story, but he came back for me when he was grown.”
“Will you tell it to me?” I asked quietly. “I’d like to hear about you two. I don’t care if it’s long. It’ll take my mind off Jack.”
Matilda gave me an empathic smile, then began to recite her tale. I sat back and listened to the story of how she and Jay were reunited. A story of mystery and revenge and falling in love. It was truly exhilarating. And all the while I hoped my own love story hadn’t yet come to an end.
Eighteen
Mystery came knocking once more
I barely slept a wink that night. After sitting and talking with Matilda for more than two hours, we exchanged numbers, and she called for a taxi to bring her back to her hotel. When she called Jay, he told her that he was in Jack’s camper and that he wouldn’t be returning until late. He didn’t give any more details than that, which was frustrating. I desperately wanted to know what was happening and how Jack was feeling, but I forced myself to be selfless. This wasn’t about me, this was about the brothers.
I stayed the night in Lola’s room. The past few weeks I’d basically started living at Jack’s place, but I knew I wasn’t welcome there right now. If not because he and Jay needed time alone with one another, then because he considered me a Judas. He thought I had betrayed him, and I didn’t know if just because he was embracing Jay that he’d forgiven me, too. I finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning/passed out from emotional and physical exhaustion. Take your pick.
When I woke up, Lola’s bed was empty, and the alarm clock told me it was past one in the afternoon. I shot up in the bed and hurriedly pulled on some clothes. I didn’t even stop to grab breakfast. Instead, I made my way directly to Jack’s camper. I knocked on the door a number of times but received no answer, and when I peered in the window, it didn’t look like anyone was home. Dejected, I returned to Violet’s, where I found Lola in the lounge, reading some magazines.
“Wow, you look like someone just told you your cat died,” she said, taking in my appearance. “So, what was all that last night with Jay Fields?” she went on curiously. I let out a long sigh, sat down across from her, and recited the tale from beginning to end. By the time I was done, Lola was staring at me with her jaw hanging open.
“That’s some crazy story,” she said, and then her eyes took on a mischievous gleam. “Okay, so is it wrong that I’m visualising some brother-on-brother action right now? Because that’s one sexy threesome opportunity right there.”
I threw a cushion at her head. “Lola! That’s so wrong — firstly because it’s incest, and secondly because Jay is a married man.”
“Oh, fine, go and piss all over my fantasies, why don’t you?”
I just shook my head at her, a tiny smile shaping my lips. The girl had a knack for making me feel better even when I was at my lowest. My smile faded quickly, though, and Lola noticed.
“He’ll forgive you, Lille. Quit fretting about it. That man is head over heels for you. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.”
I glanced at her, praying she was right. The rest of the day passed restlessly for me. I tried to concentrate on some sketches, but it was no use. I even offered to wash the outside of the camper van for Violet and Lola. Violet looked at me like I needed mental help for wanting to do such a thing, but she let me clean it all the same. Losing myself in scrubbing the dirt off the van occupied my mind for a little while, but as soon I finished I was itching to find Jack again.
I tried calling his phone but got no answer. This wasn’t too unusual though, because he often forgot to carry it on him. When I called Matilda she told me that Jack and Jay were spending the day together, and that she was hanging out at the hotel by herself. She offered for me to come and join her, but I declined. I wouldn’t have been good company right then.
I sat on the steps of Violet’s camper, sipping on a mug of red wine (she didn’t own any glasses) to soothe my nerves, when King ambled up to me and sat down. It was unexpected, but I didn’t question it. My emotions were all over the place, so I merely accepted his company for what it was.
“It doesn’t help, you know,” he said and I glanced at him.
“Pardon?”
He nodded to the wine. “It numbs but it doesn’t heal. It numbs you just enough every time to make you forget that it doesn’t heal. It’s like Western medicine, treating the symptom and ignoring the cause. So, forget about the symptom and look at the cause,” he stopped and pointed his finger harshly into my arm to drive home his point. “That’s where you’ll find the cure.”
What he said made perfect sense, but still, it irked me that he didn’t take his own advice. “If you know all this, then why don’t you treat your cause? Why do you continue to medicate the symptom?”
“Ah,” he said, letting out a long, weary sigh. “Some of us are too far gone for all that.”
A silence elapsed as the noise from the crowds coming to see the circus began to grow louder. I decided I wasn’t going to work that night; I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I did, however, know what I was in the right frame of mind for.
“King,” I started and he turned to me. I swallowed. “You know that picture you have of the woman?” He nodded, eyes narrowing warily. “Could I…I mean, would you like me to paint it for you?”
I shivered as I waited for his response. I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to do it, but for some reason I thought he’d like to have a painting of his Alexis that he could keep.
“That way, if you ever lose the photograph again, you’ll still have the painting.”
>
More silence, and then, ever so slightly and without breathing a word, he nodded his head. Digging into his pocket, he pulled out the worn photo and handed it to me. I took it with care and then went to gather some of the supplies I still kept in Lola’s bedroom. King sat and watched me as I set up and began to paint. I painted well into the small hours of the morning, as the grey light of the coming day began to slowly filter into the sky.
Wiping the perspiration from my brow, I stood back and took in my work. I was satisfied with the end result, and felt like I’d managed to capture the happiness on the woman’s face as she stared into the camera. Without my realising it, King had come to stand beside me, and when I looked at him his pale blue eyes were watery with tears. Even though I’d been the one to create the painting, I felt like this was a private moment for him, so I went inside to scrub my hands. When I returned, both the painting and King were gone.
He’d taken it, and that was good enough for me. I’d made something that held meaning for him, and it gave me a sense of peace. When I finally went to bed, I found that I’d exhausted myself enough to sleep.
***
The next day I woke up to my phone ringing. Checking the time, I found it was past two in the afternoon and my heart jumped to know I’d slept half the day away. I noted that it was Matilda’s number flashing on the screen, and when I answered she asked me if I had any dinner plans. Apparently, Jay and Jack were still getting reacquainted with one another, and she wanted some company.
It filled my heart with good feelings to know the brothers were still bonding, which soothed some of the ache inside me. I told her I’d love to, and we hung up with plans to meet in a couple of hours at the restaurant beside her hotel. Lola forced me to take a shower and gave me a loan of some clothes to wear, which consisted of an emerald green skater dress and a navy cardigan. The green was surprisingly complementary to my skin tone, and after blow-drying my hair with Lola’s tiny travel hair dryer, I felt a little better about myself.