by Meghan Quinn
Congratulations to me.
I failed at life.
Before Henry even popped one of his eyeballs open this morning, I grabbed the bag I’d packed for myself last night, loaded all the bachelorette party items into a taxi, and went straight to the venue. Luckily enough, they opened the doors after four hours of me sitting on the curb with a giant penis under my arm, and a penis straw hanging out of my mouth. I refused to answer any of Henry’s texts or calls; I was too mortified to even look at him. And he probably doesn’t want to look at me either.
I completely understood why he didn’t chase after me last night. Operation Be Sexy failed miserably. But, Operation Be Ludicrous passed brilliantly. Go me.
I contemplated leaving for good when I left this morning, giving Henry a way out of the nightmare I’d created, but I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him. I didn’t want to trap him with baby news. I wanted him to want me for me.
So, while I sat on the curb, waiting for the club owner to arrive, I thought about my next plan, my final push to reclaim my man. Not that I’d lost him or anything, but after last night, I was sure our relationship was dangling by a thread.
The only idea I could think of, to really make him love me, was to go erotic on him. Men liked erotic women, women who liked a little role play and a slap to the ass.
I would pull out the big guns . . . I was going to go Fifty Shades on him.
Still feeling a little sour about last night, but happy with my plan, I spent the entire afternoon decorating the room Henry had booked for the bachelorette party.
The club was perfect; it had a room in the back made specifically for bachelorette parties. It had a bull-riding machine, but instead of the typical steed you held on to, it was a giant, pink penis, with pee hole and everything. The balls had fake, black hair—kind of like strands off a mop—dangling to the sides, grazing the landing zone for those who couldn’t grip the dick long enough. And those who rode the penis for eight seconds were rewarded with a blast of water straight from the penis’s urethra.
Vastly inappropriate, but a bachelorette party game changer for sure.
The club catered, and since they were known for hosting a great peen party, they created their food appropriately and offered phallic-shaped items for snacking.
Games to be played for tonight: elephant condoms on the legs, penis riding, carve a penis out of a cucumber, penis piñata, and of course, pin the penis on Derk. I refused to play that one again—for obvious reasons—so I would be the moderator.
Prizes for the winners were a variety of vibrators, lubes, and edible underwear—well, because they were cheap and my bank account had diminished rather quickly from this party.
Penis garland decorated the outline of the room, condoms were blown into horribly shaped balloons—I used a pump, no lips to the latex for me—and the dong bong was sitting next to the beer, waiting to be used as a consumption device.
The party was ready, so it was my turn. Thankfully, the owner let me use the employee locker rooms to get dressed, instead of the sub-par bathrooms open to everyone.
The dress Delaney made me buy for the party didn’t fit, nope, so she’d have to deal with the disappointment on her own. I was pretty sure she’d be so distracted by all the dicks in the room that she wouldn’t even notice what I was wearing.
Luckily, I had a cute teal glitter tunic that fell just above my knees that gave plenty of tummy room. I paired it with a pair of black leggings and black flats. I was doing my makeup when my phone lit up with a text.
Henry: Can you please let me know you’re alive? You’re scaring me, love. You won’t answer my calls or my texts.
Succumbing to his wishes, because I didn’t want him barging into Delaney’s party, I texted him back.
Rosie: Sorry, I’ve been busy getting ready for the party tonight. I’m good. I will see you later. Have fun with Derk.
His text back was instantaneous.
Henry: Jesus, Rosie. Was it that hard to text back? I’ve been worried about you.
Knowing I wasn’t going to get anywhere with my makeup until I settled his worry, I set my brushes down and picked up my phone.
Rosie: Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you this morning, and I wanted to make sure this party is perfect.
Henry: I wanted to talk about last night.
Rosie: Maybe we don’t. Let’s just forget it and move on. I would rather not rehash the most embarrassing moment of my life.
I could feel myself start to get emotional, but I kept it in check. I already had one eye done, and I wasn’t about to ruin it.
Henry: We’re going to have to talk about it at some point. Things happened last night . . .
Rosie: Yes, I know. Listen, I don’t have time for this. We can catch up later. Have fun tonight.
My phone signaled another text message, but I ignored it and tried to match one eye to the other with my liner skills. Doing a smoky eye with a cat-like eyeliner was the one thing I could claim as a talent . . . that and the ability to embarrass myself—and the man I love—at the drop of a hat.
Nailing life in the mortification department. Want to know what an awkward sweat feels like? Hang around with me, I’d get those armpits pooling in no time.
I should probably start charging people to be in my audience. I was bound to do something shameful for others to talk about for weeks after.
I was applying mascara when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw Henry’s name. Irritated he wouldn’t leave me alone, I answered tersely. “What?”
“Whoa, that’s quite a way to answer the phone.”
“I’m sorry.” I really wasn’t, but I didn’t want to get into a fight right before Delaney’s party. “I’m just really busy right now, trying to put everything together. Do you need something?”
“Yeah, I need to see you.”
Before I knew what was happening, Henry came through the door of the locker room, holding his phone to his ear and a small present in his hands.
I couldn’t help the sigh that escaped me. He was dressed in a pair of black jeans, black Converse, and a button-up black and white gingham shirt with the first couple of buttons undone, showing off his well-defined chest. He was freshly shaven and his hair was styled perfectly to the side. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.
“Hey, love. You didn’t give me a chance to give you this before you left.” He held out a present for me. It was in a little white bag with yellow tissue paper sticking out the top.
Smiling, I took the present from him and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. He didn’t let me get very far, because he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in for a deeper kiss. I took this moment to revel in the way he felt pressed against me. He was being so sweet right now. Maybe he really did want me to be around, and wasn’t planning an escape route to try to get away from the crazy as quickly as possible.
Then again, he probably didn’t want to set off the crazy right before the bachelorette party.
Either way, I gripped the back of his neck and stood on my toes allowing my tongue to explore his mouth. Our kisses grew heavy, and for a moment, I thought he was going to lift me up on the counter and pull down my leggings, but before that fantasy could become a reality, he stepped away and wiped his mouth with his hand.
Well, that was rude.
“What? Did I slobber on you? Don’t want my lips all over yours?” There it was, the devil tongue. I was certain I’d pop out a creature of hell, and every time I said something uncharacteristic, I blamed it on the baby.
“No,” he said, taken aback. “I just didn’t want lipstick on my lips when I went to a bachelor party.”
“Mm-hmm,” I hummed sarcastically before ripping the tissue paper out of the bag. Whatever was in the bag must have been wrapped in the paper because the bag was completely empty.
“Um, the present is on the ground.”
We both looked to see a felt button in the shape of a penis with puffy pain
t on it. “Maid of Honor.”
I bent down and picked it up, wincing at how my stomach was already making an impact on my everyday life. “Did you make this?”
He definitely did. The puffy paint writing was very messy, but it was undeniably Henry’s chicken scratch.
“I did.” He puffed out his chest. “I thought the maid of honor needed something special to wear as well. I mean, you did put this all together.”
On the back of the penis was a safety pin to secure it to my clothing, so I did just that. Like a corsage at prom, I pinned it right above my breast, but instead of a beautiful arrangement of flowers, I had a felt peener with puffy paint writing.
I was living the high life.
“Thank you,” I said genuinely. “I love it, and thank you for bringing it all the way down here. You didn’t have to do that.”
Once again, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. “Of course I did. I wanted my girl feeling special too.”
“Thanks.” I peeked at the clock and winced. “Yikes, Delaney is going to be here soon. I need to finish my hair and makeup, and you need to get to Derk’s for the party.”
“Yeah.” Putting distance between us, he let go of me and stepped toward the door. “Are you drinking tonight?”
Weird question for him to ask.
“No, I need to make sure no one gets hurt. Someone has to be the responsible one.”
He visibly relaxed, as if I’d told him we’d just saved five hundred dollars by switching to Geico.
“All right, good. Be careful and please don’t ride the penis. I don’t want you getting hurt.”
I didn’t plan on riding the penis, didn’t think it was baby safe, but he didn’t have to know that.
“Didn’t plan on it. I only want to ride one penis.” I winked.
He chuckled and then took off. There was some serious tension between the two of us. For the first time since we met in college, we were awkward around each other. Was it from the lack of sex in our relationship? Had it been so long since we’d spent time together that we no longer knew how to be around each other?
Henry had been working very long days for the last month. I’d barely seen him, and when I had, all we’d encountered was gigantic obstacles. He was tired. I was irrational. We hadn’t hung out, or eaten dinner together, or snuggled. Maybe he didn’t want that anymore. Maybe his endless days had become our normal. I wanted to believe it was the baby making me crazy, that Henry’s job was taking a toll on him, and not from us slowly drifting apart.
But . . .
Was the honeymoon phase over? Was this what it was like after the big dramatic kiss at the end of a romance movie? Awkward confusion between couples?
I wasn’t sure. For my entire life, I’d consumed love story after love story, believing in an eternity of passion between two people. Now that I was living the love story I’d always dreamed of having, it didn’t seem so happily ever after.
Not wanting to focus on my relationship right now, or lack thereof, I finished my makeup, pinned my hair up, so half of it was caressing my back and the other half was twisted on the top of my head, and then headed to the party area. There was a section to hang our coats and set our purses down, so I stuffed my travel bag in the corner and went on one more walk around of the room to make sure everything was perfect before Delaney arrived.
“This is everything I could have dreamed of,” Delaney said, as she spun around the room in awe. “I don’t even know which dick to focus on, there are millions. Even the confetti on the tables are dicks.” Delaney turned to me and pulled me into a hug. “You did so well. Thank you, Rosie.”
“You’re welcome. I’m so glad you’re happy with it.”
“Ma’am, your drink.” A waiter came up behind us, holding out the penis sippy cup I bought Delaney, full of the signature drink I’d chosen for her.
I picked up the drink and thanked the waiter. “This is for you. The drink is called Cum Guzzler. It’s a coconut-infused rum with pineapple juice and cherry grenadine.”
“Sounds like I’m going to be a Cum Guzzler tonight, because this sounds delicious.” She took the penis cup and inhaled a giant sip. Once she’d tasted it, she said, “This is one batch of cum I have no problem swallowing.”
I made a note to remember that for a book. I tried to commit this entire party to memory, because it provided good material for future stories.
Delaney examined the rest of the room while I greeted guests, handed out penis straws and goody bags, and showed everyone where they could put their purses. Delaney invited around forty women, and almost all of them said they’d come.
Delaney had so many people at her party because they were mainly coworkers and all as raunchy as Delaney. They would never miss a good penis party.
They wore their whistles, blew them with pride, stroked Derk’s life-size body, eyed the pink bull-riding penis, and devoured every last mouthful of wiener food.
Once everyone was in attendance, I stood on top of a chair to gain everyone’s attention by blowing my whistle.
The room fell silent and all eyes were on me. “Thank you all for coming today. I am the maid of honor, Rosie.” I pointed to my penis pin that Henry made me. “I will be your host for tonight, so if you need anything, let me know. I see that you helped yourself to food and drinks already. I will be sure to ask the kitchen to make some more snacks. Before the festivities begin, I wanted to go over a couple of things. First of all, you were all handed an elephant condom when you walked in. That is for you to wear on your leg. Last person with it still rolled tight on their appendage at the end of the night will win a special prize. Let’s just say it fits in with the theme of the party.”
“I think it’s a dick, ladies,” Delaney screamed and everyone cheered. I refrained from rolling my eyes.
“Second, we’ll be moving around the room in a circle when it comes to activities. We’ll start with penis carving, followed by pin the penis on Derk—”
“Everyone better aim for his eyeballs, because I’m taking the win on that game,” Delaney once again shouted, followed by more giggles.
“After the penis pinning,” I carried on, “we’ll be getting our ride on. I’ve been told if you stay on the bull for more than eight seconds, it will jiz into the crowd. I’ve marked off the splash zone with those two penis construction cones over there. If you’re looking to be sprayed, then those cones will be your best friends.”
“Let’s all get squirted in the eye tonight, ladies.”
Cheers erupted, cutting me off again.
The devil child wanted to run its arm up my throat and choke Delaney with its fetus fist, but I tamped it down, reminding Beelzebub that this was Delaney’s night, and if she wanted to continue to incessantly interrupt me . . . that was her right.
Gritting my teeth, I continued. “Then we’ll move over to the Dong Bong Olympics to see who can guzzle the most cum within a minute.”
“It will be like sipping wine at church,” Delaney said, jumping up and down. “You will guzzle, wipe, and then say, ‘Glory be to the Dong’.”
“You don’t have to do that.” I shook my head, not wanting to offend anyone. Being a Catholic girl myself, I knew how sensitive people could be.
“Dong be with you,” Delaney said, holding out her arms to everyone, as if she was blessing each and every one of their penis straws.
And in unison, the ladies said back, “And also with your spirit.”
Laughter ensued after, and I couldn’t tamp it back anymore. Baby beast got the best of me.
“Will you dick jerkers let me finish what I’m trying to say?” I screamed, pounding my foot on the chair I was standing on and clenching my fists to the side.
All laughter ceased and the room fell silent. My eyes were closed shut so I could scream loud enough for the next six blocks to hear, so I wasn’t aware of the looks I was getting until I peeked one peeper open and saw the horrified faces staring up at me.
“Heh.” I la
ughed, relaxing my shoulders. “That wasn’t awkward at all. Look at us, all having fun.” I cleared my throat while Delaney pulled on my arm. I squatted down to hear what she had to say.
“Are you all right?”
“Chipper as a chocolate chippy.” I smiled, hating my response. “Just want to make sure everyone hears the game options we have to offer tonight. Don’t want to make one of the games feel left out. That wouldn’t be fair, now would it?”
“Why do your eyes look like they are about to bulge out of their sockets? Are you high?”
“On life.” I patted her shoulder. “I am very high on life.” I stood up and faced the crowd once again. “Sorry about the brief intermission from Cranky McCrankPants. It won’t happen again. Ahem, as I was saying, after the Dong Bong Olympics, we will scoot over to our last event, the smashing of the penis piñata. Be sure to wear your protective dickwear when we get to that event.” I laughed and put on the penis sunglasses I bought everyone. I poked the lenses and said, “No cock shards are going through these bad boys.”
My little outburst had really killed the mood, so instead of continuing to run my mouth, I hoisted my arm in the air and said, “Let the games begin.”
I held it high and still, waiting for a cheer from the crowd, but everyone stood silent.
“Let the games begin,” Delaney repeated, which caused everyone to cheer and don their elephant condoms.
It was going to be that kind of night.
“Look at me, I’m jizzing on everyone,” Delaney shouted, completely drunk and hanging on to the penis bull, not letting go. She was currently the only one left with the elephant condom on her leg, since she was smart enough to take off her heels and not poke a hole through the latex.
I inwardly made a joke to myself that Legacy must have made the condoms, because they were really good at breaking, hence the inner beast living inside me, wanting to awake and disturb everyone’s fun.
“You really are, way to jiz,” I said.
After cucumber carving, which was won by one of Delaney’s coworkers, Madge, we played pin the penis on Derk. What I thought was going to be a quick game turned into a selfie opportunity for every woman. Beelzebub was really itching to free itself at that point in time. I excused myself and dove into a pile of cocktail wieners, basking in the smoky flavor. Now we were riding the penis and Delaney refused to fall off.