“Does she love you?”
Jackson raised his head and looked straight ahead. He shrugged. “I really don’t know. She did. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“Did something happen?”
Jackson stood up again. “A lot happened.”
“Just start at the beginning,” Mr. Stevens coaxed.
“She’s my boss,” Jackson explained. “I work for her. We both knew it was risky to start something, but we were attracted to each other. We fought it as long as we could.” Jackson thought about his early advances and Christina’s rejections. He wondered now if it would have been better for both of them if he’d left her alone. He had thought that he couldn’t live without her. Now he wondered if he could live after losing her.
“That’s understandable, Jackson. Emotions don’t know positions.”
Jackson was so lost in his thoughts he’d almost forgotten Mr. Stevens. “She’s the first woman I’ve ever loved. I thought we could get past any problems our professional relationship might cause. We did, at first.” I couldn’t handle it though, he added silently.
“What happened to change that?”
Jackson knew that question was coming. “Me. I changed. I thought I could handle her being the boss. At first I could, I really could. If we disagreed and she overruled me, it wasn’t a problem. We were colleagues working together. I could handle it.”
“What happened?”
“Liza happened,” Jackson said. He couldn’t handle Christina choosing Liza’s opinion over his.
“Who’s Liza?”
Jackson looked back at Mr. Stevens. The concern and love in his eyes were comforting. “Liza works with us. She and I report directly to Christina. Initially, Christina and I decided everything together. Now, there are three of us who have to work together.” Jackson began to pace. “I thought I could handle it. I had no idea I would feel this way.”
“Hold on there, Jackson. I think you’re leaving something out. What couldn’t you handle?”
Jackson stopped pacing. “I couldn’t handle Christina choosing Liza’s opinion over mine.” Jackson shook his head. “If anyone had told me this would happen to me, I would have laughed. I thought I was a bigger man than this.”
“Doesn’t have anything to do with how big a man you are,” Mr. Stevens said. “It’s about feelings. Did you talk to Christina about it?”
Jackson shook his head again. “I couldn’t. I knew that what I was feeling was irrational. How could I explain it to her?” Jackson didn’t wait for a response. He knew the answer; he couldn’t explain it to her. “Christina is a smart woman. She has her life together. She really doesn’t need me. I knew that from the beginning, but I also knew she loved me and respected me. That was enough for us. When her decisions started falling with Liza’s opinions instead of mine, I began to wonder if she still respected me. And if she didn’t respect me, I began to wonder if she would soon stop loving me. The more she agreed with Liza, the greater my insecurities became.”
“Is that why you don’t think she loves you now?” Mr. Stevens asked.
“That’s part of it, probably the smaller part,” Jackson answered. “I mentioned my feelings to her once and she said, as I knew she would, that it wasn’t personal. She was making what she thought were the best decisions for the company.”
“And that made you feel worse,” Mr. Stevens finished for him.
“That’s right,” Jackson said, glad somebody understood what he’d been feeling. “Finally, I told her I needed space. Our relationship was strained, but we were going on as if nothing was wrong. I had to do something.”
“You decided to leave her before she could leave you,” Mr. Stevens concluded wisely.
Jackson jerked his gaze to Mr. Stevens. “That wasn’t my intention. At least, not my conscious intention. But that’s exactly what Christina thought. I tried to tell her that I still loved her, but she didn’t buy it.”
“Can you blame her?”
Jackson lowered his eyelids. “What do you mean by that?”
“Think about it. She knows something’s wrong. You won’t talk about it and then you want to leave. What did you expect her to think? It probably didn’t look like a man in love to her.”
He looked up again. “I do love her. I even asked her to marry me.”
Mr. Stevens held up both hands. “Hold on a minute here. You asked her to marry you?”
Jackson nodded.
“What did she say?”
Jackson gave a hollow laugh. “She said it was too soon. She said she loved me and wanted to marry me, but she needed more time.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“I was disappointed, of course. And hurt.” And he still hurt. “But I understood her reasons.”
“Are you sure you understood her, or did you just let it go?”
Jackson didn’t answer immediately. He had tried to understand Christina’s reasons. He wanted to understand them. He told himself that he did. A part of him knew her childhood scars were the cause of her fears and cautiousness. Yet another part of him wanted her love for him to be stronger than all that. “Maybe I just left it alone.”
“Why do you think you did that?”
Jackson knew why. “Because I was hurt. And I was afraid. What if she really didn’t love me? That’s why I’m here, Mr. Stevens. I have to figure out how to handle my feelings, my fears.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Jackson,” Mr. Stevens said. “Your feelings aren’t your problem, your refusal to share those feelings with Christina is the problem. I’ve been married for forty-two years, and I’ll tell you this, talking about it might cause a problem, but not talking about it causes even greater problems.”
Jackson didn’t respond immediately. “It did lead to bigger problems.”
“Always does, my boy, always does.”
Jackson thought Mr. Stevens was getting carried away. “Now she thinks I’ve been sending her red roses with offending cards.”
“Why would she think that?”
Jackson told Mr. Stevens the story of the roses and how Christina thought that he sent them.
“Whew, you do have yourself in a pickle,” Mr. Steven said. “That’s what happens when you don’t talk about things. One person starts wondering what the other is thinking and drawing conclusions from everything. Things that aren’t even related.”
Jackson nodded. “You’re right about that. How could she even think I sent those roses? I’m in love with her.”
“That’s what you say, Jackson, but that’s not what you’ve been showing her lately. All she’s seen lately is your discontentment, your silence, and then your decision to leave. I’m not saying that she’s making rational decisions, but she’s using what you give her.”
“I wish I knew who was sending those damn roses,” Jackson said. He started to pace again.
“I wish you did, too,” Mr. Stevens said.
***
Christina was exhausted when she reached her mother’s house. She pulled into the driveway and sat there a few minutes trying to get herself together. She couldn’t understand how or why Jackson had betrayed her as he had. When the front porch lights flicked on, Christina gathered her belongings and headed for the house.
“How long had you been sitting out there?” her mother asked, after Christina had put her bags down and sat on the bed in the guest bedroom.
“Only a few minutes, Mom,” Christina answered. “I’m so tired.”
“It’s late. Do you want to go to bed now, or do you want to talk?”
Christina thought about that. “The truth, Mom? Right now, I could use a hug.”
Louise sat next to her daughter and opened her arms. Christina leaned into them and her tears began again. She let them flow freely as she rested in the protectiveness of her mother’s embrace.
When the tears finally stopped, Christina remained in her mother’s arms. “It’s over, Mom,” she sa
id slowly. “Jackson and I are finished.”
Louise brushed her daughter’s hair with her hands. “What makes you say that?”
“He said that he needed space.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s over. It means he needs space.”
Christina tightened her embrace on her mother. “That’s not all, Mom. Do you remember the roses I was getting a while back?”
“Yes, I remember. I thought those had stopped.”
“So did I.” Christina paused to get her breath. She was choking up again. “Well, I got two dozen today. One at work with a card that said ‘Bitch,’ and another at home with a card that read
‘Whore.’"
Louise’s hold on Christina tightened. “Oh, no, darling. Have you reported this to the police?”
“I don’t need to report it to the police. I know who sent them.”
“Christina, you can’t possibly think . . .”
“Jackson sent them, Mom,” Christina interrupted. “That’s the only explanation.”
“Could you be jumping to conclusions? What makes you think it was him?”
She explained the incidents to her mother as she had explained them to Jackson.
“Those could be coincidences,” Louise said. “There’s no real evidence implicating Jackson.”
“Looks like evidence to me,” Christina corrected. “Anyway, he didn’t deny it.”
“You accused him of sending the roses?” Louise asked. Her tone expressed her surprise.
At that tone, Christina became wary. Maybe she had gone too far with Jackson. “I didn’t exactly accuse him. I merely laid the information out to him and asked him to explain it.”
“And what did he say?”
She’d never forget the scene or the look in his eyes. “He didn’t say much. He actually had the nerve to look affronted, like I was in the wrong. That man is a good actor.”
“Either that, or he’s innocent.”
Christina pulled back to look at her mother. “You can’t seriously believe that he’s innocent, Mother. Have you heard a word I’ve said?”
“I heard you, Christina. I heard you loud and clear.”
“Then how can you say he could be innocent?”
“I’m not saying whether he’s innocent or not. That’s your call to make, but do you think you’ve given him enough room to explain himself?”
“Why should I do that? So he can tell me more lies? What do I owe him?”
“You don’t owe him anything. This isn’t about Jackson. This is about you and what you owe yourself. A few days ago you were in love with this man. You were thinking marriage. Now you’re ready to believe him guilty of the vilest of acts without even really discussing it with him. You owe yourself more than that.”
Christina was beginning to grow uncomfortable with this conversation. Why was her mother saying that she had been hasty? “I did discuss it with him, Mother. I told you, he didn’t deny it.”
“It’s your decision, Christina.”
Christina was silent for a while. She pulled away to sit next to her mother. “I hate it when you do that.”
“Do what?” Louise asked.
“Back down like that. You know you’re not really backing down and I know you’re not really backing down. Why don’t you just say what you mean?”
“I have said what I meant. You don’t like it and now you want me to change it. I can’t. You haven’t said anything here tonight that makes me believe Jackson sent you those roses.”
Christina stood up then. “So you think I’m overreacting?”
“No, not overreacting. Maybe reacting to the wrong thing.”
“And what do you mean by that?”
“I wonder how you’d be feeling now if Jackson hadn’t said he needed space.”
Christina didn’t say anything immediately. “That wouldn’t have changed the facts.”
“No,” Louise agreed, “it wouldn’t have, but it might have changed your interpretation of those facts.”
When Christina didn’t respond, Louise said, “We’ve had enough talk for tonight. You need to get some rest. A good night’s sleep will do you good. We can talk about this tomorrow, if you like.” Louise kissed her daughter on the forehead and left the room.
Christina watched as Louise walked away. She didn’t understand her mother’s reaction. Why was she taking sides with Jackson? Well, it doesn’t matter, Christina thought. I’m not going to give Jackson another chance to hurt me. He did send the roses. I’m sure of it.
***
Christina was up early the next morning. She hadn’t slept well. Her mother’s questions had caused her considerable unrest. Had she been too hasty in her decision? Did Jackson deserve a chance to explain? No, she thought, she had given him a chance. Jackson wanted space; well, he’d gotten space.
“Up early, aren’t you, Christina,” Louise asked, still dressed in her gown and housecoat.
“I didn’t sleep very well,” Christina said.
“Thinking a lot, huh? Did you come to any conclusions?”
Christina shook her head. “No conclusions, really. Even if Jackson didn’t send the roses, it’s still over. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He said so.”
“That’s not what he said,” Louise corrected.
“He needs space. I think that’s a euphemism for ‘I need to get out of this relationship.’”
“I think you’re reading more into it than necessary. Why didn’t you ask him what he meant?”
Christina got up and poured herself another cup of tea. “We had practically stopped talking, Mother. He wasn’t sharing his thoughts.”
“When did this start?”
Christina shrugged. Maybe it was there from the beginning. Maybe it was never as good between her and Jackson as she’d wanted to believe. “I don’t know exactly when it started. It’s been the last month or so. It all happened so suddenly. Our relationship was going great, then it hit bottom. I don’t understand it.”
“That sounds strange. You have no idea what happened?”
Christina shook her head. “He went from asking me to marry him to accusing me of siding with Liza at work. That was ridiculous. I told him I wasn’t siding with anybody.”
“What did he say to that?”
Christina searched her memory. “I don’t remember him saying anything.”
“Maybe that’s where your problem is, Christina,” Louise reasoned.
Christina was not ready for her mother to analyze her problems. “Jackson and I are articulate adults, Mom. He’s had more than enough time and opportunity to speak with me if he had a problem. Why should I go looking for a needle in a haystack? If he can’t talk to me, it wasn’t much of a relationship in the first place.”
Nineteen
Jackson was sitting on the top step of the Stevens front porch when Reggie came up the walk.
Reggie stopped in front of him, his legs apart, his arms crossed. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Not as surprised as I am to be here,” Jackson said. His apprehensions about this meeting with Reggie were proving well founded.
“We may as well get this out of the way,” Reggie began. “How’s Christina?”
Jackson didn’t want to talk to Reggie about Christina. It was obvious Reggie still had feelings for her. “Christina’s fine.”
“That’s not a very enthusiastic answer. Is something wrong?”
Jackson raised a brow in his direction. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Reggie dropped his arms. “So how is she? Why didn’t she come out here with you?”
“You’re overly concerned with Christina, aren’t you?”
“You know I had a thing for her, Jackson. That’s no secret.”
Jackson leaned back on his elbows and stretched out his legs. “And you know that now she has a thing for me.”
“That what you say, but you’re here and she’s still in Atlanta
. Maybe things have changed.”
“And if they have?”
“Well, if she’s not seeing you anymore, maybe she’ll see me again.”
“So you’d move in on my woman like that?” Jackson asked. He knew Reggie would do just that, given the chance. There were no rules when it came to women.
“I don’t remember your holding back when I was in the picture,” Reggie minded him. “As I see it, what goes around comes around.”
Jackson knew Reggie was right. He pursued Christina even after he’d realized Reggie was in her life. From Jackson’s viewpoint, though, Christina was his before she was Reggie’s anyway. “I’m not going to argue about this, Reggie,” he said. “Just know that I’m in love with Christina and she’s in love with me.”
“If you say so, man,” Reggie replied, but Jackson saw the challenge in his eyes.
***
The ringing telephone greeted Christina when she entered her house Sunday night. “Reggie,” she said, when she heard his voice. “I’m glad to hear from you.” She sat and cradled the phone in her arm. She had been tempted to call him, but she didn’t want to hurt him any more than she already had.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” he said. “I wanted to apologize for our last conversation. I didn’t handle what you had to say very well.”
“There’s no need for apologies. I’m glad to hear from you again. I’d hate to think we couldn’t be friends.”
“Oh, no, the dreaded friends,” he said. “I guess Jackson was right. You’re still in love with him.”
Christina sat up straighter in her chair. “Jackson? When did you talk to Jackson?”
“I saw him this weekend.”
Christina didn’t understand. “You were in Atlanta?”
“No,” Reggie said. “Jackson was here in Oklahoma City.”
Christina slumped back in the chair. “Jackson was in Oklahoma City? What was he doing out there?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. I walked into my parents’ house this afternoon and there he was.”
She wondered what Jackson was doing out there. “He thinks highly of your parents.”
“Well, he had them all to himself for two whole days. My mom can’t stop talking about him. Dad, either. They had a good time with him.”
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