by Low, Shari
‘She lived her best life,’ I repeated, intertwined triffids of sadness and happiness strangling my words.
Next to me, Kate nodded slowly, playing with the bangles on my wrist as she spoke. ‘And if she hadn’t met Nick that wouldn’t have happened. You need to let it go, Carly. All of it. Every bit of guilt and grief.’
Before I could answer, the door opened.
‘What did I miss?’ a tipsy Carol chirped, then sensing the atmosphere, ‘Oh fuck, who died?’
Somewhere in my head, I could hear Sarah howling with laughter at that. She always loved a bit of gallows humour.
The clock on the wall chimed 2 a.m., but suddenly I wasn’t tired.
‘Sod it, come on,’ I said, jumping up, grabbing the bottle of wine from the table. In the first act of old, spontaneous Carly Cooper that I’d manage to muster up in a long time, I got bossy. ‘We’re going out again.’
‘I’ve just got in,’ Carol objected. ‘And my feet are killing me.’
‘Put your trainers on,’ I ordered, summoning an Uber on my phone.
And that’s how, twenty minutes later, five women, one of them in a very flash evening dress and trainers, stood on the Brooklyn Bridge, the place we’d scattered Sarah and Nick’s ashes, sharing a bottle of wine.
‘To Sarah,’ Kate said, taking a swig, then giving the bottle to Jess.
‘To friends. And to forever love,’ Jess said, with uncharacteristic emotion, before taking a drink and passing it along.
Carol held the bottle up to the stars. ‘To us and to Sarah and Nick, who’ll always be together.’
My turn next. I took the bottle in one hand, and slipped my other one into Hannah’s hand as I turned to face her. ‘To letting go of guilt and sadness. Because the most special woman in the world would want us to. Both of us.’
I took a sip and then passed the bottle on to Hannah.
‘To my mum and Nick,’ she said, holding the bottle high. ‘And to my aunts, who are four of the greatest gifts my mum ever gave me. And to living your best life.’
‘To living your best life,’ we echoed.
In my mind, I heard Sarah’s voice again, and she was telling me to get started.
23
New York, The Next Morning
Stronger – Kelly Clarkson
The sun was streaming in the window of the bedroom when the beep of an incoming text and a feeling of suffocation woke me.
‘Carol! Carol!’ I croaked, nudging her in the ribs. ‘You’re cutting off my windpipe. I think I’m close to death.’
There was a rush of oxygen as she lifted the arm that was slung over my neck, murmuring, ‘Sorry. Thought you were Callum. You smell the same. Is that weird?’
Was it weird that I smelled the same as my forty-eight-year-old brother? ‘Yep.’
She pushed herself up and pulled off her sleeping mask, to reveal a scrubbed-clean, flawless face.
‘What is wrong with you?’ I asked her, appalled. ‘Why can’t you come home drunk, stay up talking until 4 a.m., then wake up the next morning with last night’s make-up on, looking completely crap like us normal people?’
She just pulled her mask back over her eyes and ignored me.
‘Whassup?’ Kate groaned from the next bed, squinting against the sunlight.
We were in Sarah’s guest room – my favourite bedroom in the house. White bleached floors, and walls that were a riotous stipple of her favourite shades of blue, it had two double beds, with a huge chaise that doubled as a single bed over at the window. Sarah had designed it that way so that the five of us could sleep in the same room when we visited. Said she didn’t want to waste a moment that we could be together, so she’d leave her own bedroom and come and sleep here with us so we could talk until we drifted off. Those were some of the very best times of my life.
I waited to be felled by the pain that thoughts like that brought me, but to my surprise I felt my cheeks lift into a smile. A sad smile, but still a smile. Carol’s arm of crushing death aside, I felt lighter. Like I’d had a weight on my chest and now I could breathe properly again for the first time in months. Years. Last night had changed everything and I felt… It took me a moment to name it: free.
I pushed myself up on my elbow and spotted the vacant area of Kate’s bed. ‘Where’s Jess?’
Kate scanned the room, like she expected Jess to be hiding behind a plant. ‘Dunno. Must be downstairs.’
‘I went down for a glass of water an hour ago and she wasn’t there,’ Carol murmured, making me panic and reach for my phone. If she’d gone out, she would have texted. Yep, there it was.
Two texts waiting. I opened the one that had arrived at 9.17 a.m. from Jess.
Gone out for a run. Won’t be long.
Dear God. One friend who looks like a goddess, and another one who voluntarily does exercise after only five hours sleep.
‘She’s gone out for a run. Forget what I said about you lot last night. I need new pals, ones who handle hangovers with carbohydrates. Why is she jogging alone, without telling us she was going? There are way too many serial killers out there.’
‘And you need to stop watching the crime channel,’ Kate countered.
Beep! I jumped as my phone rudely chided me that I hadn’t yet opened the other text. I pressed on it, my cheeks automatically going to a grin when I saw it was on the family group chat.
Mac: Mum, guess where we are?
Me: Jail?
Mac: Nope.
Me: Court?
Mac: Nope.
Me: Michael Jordan’s house?
Mac: You’re not taking this seriously.
Beside me, Carol groaned again. ‘What is that noise? Carly, open a window and throw a shoe at whoever is making that bloody racket. Use one of my Louboutins. I’ll take the loss.’
‘What?’ I lifted my gaze from my phone and immediately heard what she was referring to. Outside, someone was sounding their horn like their life depended on it. I fired off another text to Mac.
Mum to Mac: I am interested! But if it’s anything dangerous, I don’t want to know.
I pressed send, then climbed out of bed and padded over to the window, glancing down when Mac replied.
Mac: Definitely dangerous.
‘I swear I’m going to murder Mark when I get a hold of him,’ I muttered to no one, as I reached over to pull the curtains back. ‘He’s being a complete… Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!’
My scream brought Carol and Kate rushing to the window.
‘Serial killer?’ Carol gasped as she moved. She’d never been great at reading reactions.
It was a scream of pure joy, not fear, as on the street below was a huge white RV, and on top of it, waving at us, were Mac and Benny.
I threw my head back, exploding with laughter, then opened the window.
‘You two get down from there right now or I’ll tell your mother and I’ve heard she’s a total dragon,’ I warned them, laughing. The neighbours must be wondering what the hell was going on. We were definitely lowering the tone of the neighbourhood.
‘She is,’ Mac shouted back. ‘But we put up with her because she feeds us.’
‘I’ve absolutely no idea how you managed to raise such cool kids,’ Kate teased.
I was already on the way out of the room, rushing down the stairs, reaching the front door just as Hannah was pulling it open.
‘I think you’ve got visitors,’ she said, chuckling. Her face had a brightness that wasn’t there last night either. We’d both found some kind of solace and peace.
The boys stormed in, and were accosted by hugs from everyone in the house, Kate and Carol squealing with delight as they cuddled their nephews. Back at the doorway, I watched as Mark jumped out of the RV and walked towards me. For a moment, it felt like some kind of time warp. I’d only seen him two weeks ago, but he looked different. Or perhaps I was just seeing him differently, through eyes that weren’t watching the world through a veil of guilt and sadness.
His jeans were his
favourites, Levi’s that I’d bought him years ago because I thought they made him look like George Michael in the ‘Faith’ video. His white T-shirt showed off his tanned arms, his hair was a little longer, flopping over his forehead, the way that it used to do when we were young and crazy in love. The whole picture, the mood, my happiness, the sheer joy at seeing my boys, somehow it all combined to make me throw my arms around him.
‘What are you doing here?’ I quickly realised that, especially given our recent tensions, that question could be misinterpreted, so I swiftly corrected myself. ‘I mean, I’m so glad you’re here! It’s amazing!’
‘Oh, we were just in the neighbourhood and thought we’d pop by.’ Did I mention he smelled good too? ‘Is it okay?’ he asked, suddenly uncertain. ‘If it’s not a good time, or if you still have things to work out, I’ll grab the boys and take off. I just knew it would be tough for you to come here so I thought seeing the kids might make you feel better.’
Oh, my God, this man. He drove me crazy, but there was no arguing with the fact that he’d been in my life forever, and much as some of it had been awful, he’d always been on my side. Well, mostly. Unless the tussle was between me and his work, in which case he bought popcorn and waited for me to keep swinging until I passed out from frustration.
‘What did I miss?’ came a voice from behind him, as Jess wandered up the path. ‘Is it “phone in an ex-husband” day?’ Only I’d rather not play that game.’
Jess’s antagonistic relationship with her ex-husband Mike was the stuff of legend. It was about as vicious as it got and had been that way since she caught him cheating on her.
‘Yeah, it’s a new service. I’m on an app,’ Mark joked with her. They’d always had similar senses of humour, so, ever since we were teenagers in the same gang at school, they’d had a high sarcasm brother/sister vibe.
I intervened before she could come back with something inappropriately cutting. ‘Mark brought the boys to visit,’ I explained, ushering her in.
Mark followed us into the kitchen, where Kate and Carol were helping Hannah, who was already grilling bacon and pouring a white gloop into a waffle maker. My boys would never want to leave.
Mark joined them, pulling out the seat next to Mac, while I sat across from him next to Benny.
‘I may hug you many times in the next few minutes,’ I told my youngest son. ‘So brace yourself and take one for the team. And don’t think you’re safe over there,’ I gestured to Mac. ‘There are plenty more hours in the day.’
‘Save me,’ he said to his dad, out of the corner of his mouth. ‘I’ll pay you money.’
My mind took a snapshot of the image. Mark, Mac, Benny and me, around a table, all tanned, healthy, laughing at our bad jokes. We’d used to have so many moments like this. When had they stopped? When had we let it go?
I shook it off. This wasn’t a time for reflection. If hearing Sarah’s words last night had taught me anything it was that I had to live in the moment. Seize the day. And this one came with my boys, my friends and waffles.
‘Okay, so tell me everything,’ I begged, squeezing Benny, who launched into a blow-by-blow account of every day of the trip so far. The adventure, the excitement, the laughter, the fights – all of which were between him and his brother, and all of them, he claimed, were Mac’s fault. Mac took it on the chin and didn’t argue. Or perhaps he was just too busy focusing on his food.
They’d finished their brunch by the time we got up to the present moment. ‘And then yesterday, when we were in Washington DC and you said you were coming to New York, Dad worked out that it would only take us four hours to drive here, so we decided to surprise you.’
It had taken over thirty years of knowing him, but Mark had finally shocked me. This was the kind of thing that I’d do, and he’d spend hours with a flow chart explaining why it was such a bad idea and pointing out the potential pitfalls. He didn’t do spontaneous. He didn’t do random acts of madness. Maybe the bungee jump had given him concussion and this temporary episode of crazy fun was the result.
The concussed one had a question. ‘What time is your flight back to LA?’
Shit. The flight. They were just here, and I was going to have to leave them.
Carol checked her phone. ‘In… three hours. Actually, we should probably start getting organised.’
My heart sank. I wasn’t ready. It was too rushed.
‘What are your plans for today?’ I asked the boys, trying to keep it light and hide the fact that I was contemplating handcuffing myself to Benny’s wrist.
‘We thought we’d go to Central Park for the rest of the day, then maybe catch a comedy show or a movie tonight. Then we thought we’d maybe do the Natural History Museum tomorrow…’
‘Shoot me,’ Mac begged. ‘Or at least drop me at a basketball court and come get me when the geek is done with the boring stuff.’
I was fairly sure the geek made a rude gesture to his brother, but my mind was on other things.
‘Mum, I wish you weren’t going back today because you could have come with us and…’
‘I’ll stay!’ I blurted. ‘Just for another day. I soooooo need some boy time.’
‘Seriously? Yasssss!’ Benny cheered.
Lots of other actions happened at precisely that moment. Carol, Kate and Jess’s heads whipped round in my direction, Hannah grinned and nudged Mac with her shoulder. ‘Told you I was keeping you here,’ she giggled, looking thrilled at this development. So like Sarah. She took everything in her stride with a huge smile too.
Meanwhile, I looked searchingly at my soon-to-be-ex-husband.
‘I mean, if that’s okay with you?’
What if he said no? What if he was horrified? Thought I was crashing his party? Muscling in on his time with our sons?
Yet, the way he was staring at me…
Mark Barwick, my soon-to-be-ex-husband, smiled.
‘That’s definitely okay with me.’
And suddenly I was smiling right back.
24
Late Morning, Same Day
Upside Down – Diana Ross
‘You sure you know what you’re doing?’ Kate had asked me before they left for the airport. We were in the bedroom, packing, all the logistics already worked out. Kate, Jess and Carol would fly back today on the return leg of the launch-party charter flight, and then the boys would drop me at the airport tomorrow and I’d fly back to LA alone. My menfolk would then head back south for the last few days of their trip. It was the perfect solution.
‘Absolutely! I just want to spend the day with Mac and Benny,’ I’d said, flippantly.
‘And Mark?’ she’d asked pointedly, throwing an inflatable Statue Of Liberty that she’d bought for Val into the case.
‘Well, sure. Mark too. I can’t exactly ask him to sit in the van while the boys and I are out exploring Manhattan.’
I was sure I saw a flash of scepticism and heard a muttering about protesting too much.
As we waved them off in their Uber, Hannah dropped a front door key into my hand. ‘I need to go to work, but take this and please come and go as you like. You know where everything is.’
‘Thanks. We will completely take advantage of your lovely hospitality,’ I joked, then gave in to an urge to throw my arms around her. ‘You know, I’m so proud of you, Hannah Russo. You’re pretty kickass, you know that?’
‘Yeah, I blame my aunts. They made me like this. You wouldn’t want to mess with them.’
With a cheeky wink, she was off, and I was sure it wasn’t my imagination that she was walking a little bit taller today. I was just sad that I’d been such a coward and unable to face her before. We’d wasted so much time, both of us wrapped up in our guilt.
Once again, I shrugged off the melancholy. Sarah was still gone, and there would never be a day in my life that I wouldn’t miss her, but there was an incredible release in not feeling responsible, so today, I was going to smile and I was going to live, and I was going to enjoy every momen
t because that was exactly what Sarah and Nick would have wanted.
We decided to leave the RV parked at the house, and walk up to Central Park, stopping for ice cream on the way. The boys had been here a few times before, so the crowds were no surprise to them and they got a buzz from the excitement of the city.
Mark and I walked behind them, our shoulders touching, his hand just naturally slipping into mine when we were navigating obstacles. Somehow, the busy streets and sunshine and the happiness of all being together made it easy to chat for the first time since we separated. As we strolled, I told him all about the trip so far, about LA, about Sam, about Estelle.
‘Yeah, the boys told me about that. What’s she like?’
‘Oh God, not you too!’ I drawled. ‘Why is the entire male species obsessed with her?’
He playfully dropped his arm around my shoulders. ‘I’ve only been obsessed by one woman,’ he said playfully, tickling me, to the horror of a couple of camera-clad tourists who had to walk round us. ‘She’s a bit of a handful though.’
‘Is that a fat joke because I didn’t pack my magic pants?’ I shot back, making him buckle with laughter.
Oh God, this felt good. And normal. And… and… did I mention good?
A couple of streets back from the park, we popped into a cycle-hire shop and picked up bikes. It was the best way to cover the square miles of greenery, but my thighs were trembling at the prospect.
‘Right, you lot, I want you to know that if this kills me, I love you very much and there’s a hundred quid hidden behind the toilet rolls in the bathroom cupboard for emergencies. I knew you’d never find it there.’