“Good work, Ensign.”
“That wasn’t my doing, Captain. I think it just finished the message.”
“That means it will be back.”
“Most likely, Captain, along with new messages,” stated Commander Tuvok.
Kim continued, “I have tried to block the signal that keeps adding new messages, but so far I have had little success.”
“I want you two to work full time, to find out how those messages keep popping up, and where we picked up this intrusion into our computer. Most important, stop them.”
A few hours and four more messages later, the bridge crew met in a conference room.
Captain Janeway spoke. “Any success in stopping those ads?”
Both Harry Kim and Tuvok said no. Neither could find any way to stop the ads.
Tom Paris asked, “Where did this spam come from?”
Neelix asked, “Spam? My translator stated that was Special Pressed American Meat.”
“It’s a computer term from the late twenty-first century, meaning unwanted E-mail usually made up of product advertisements.”
Neelix nodded his head to indicate he understood.
“Where did we pick up this…spam?” the Captain asked.
Kim answered, “I believe we picked up a virus in that sector we went through three weeks ago.”
Paris said, “I think it was a ‘trojan horse’ rather than a virus.”
“It infected our computer, so it was a virus.”
Paris opened his mouth, but then Janeway spoke up. “I really don’t care what it is called, we need to put a stop to it. It is a danger to the ship. If one of those ads were to run while we are in a battle, trying to communicate with a warrior group, or someone we need supplies from, or when the ship is maneuvering through an asteroid belt, the ship would be put in danger.”
“We would still have sensors, Captain, and they are more accurate than visual images.”
“That may be true, Tuvok, but I like to see what is going on. It would handicap our responses, possibly slowing down our response to dangerous levels. Do it. This…spam is so blasted frustrating.”
“Yes, Captain. I will concentrate on solving this problem.”
“Good.”
Two days later Janeway had the ship stop for a few hours to study a star that looked like two stuck together. Tom said it reminded him of a double-yoked egg. A minute into watching the sun, an ad for a multi-species dentist appeared.
With a whispered “Damn,” Kim ran his fingers over his controls, pressing various touch points. He touched certain points twice and even three times, but his attempts had no effect on the ad. He frowned as he concentrated on his board. Another ad started and he tried to ignore it.
An hour later in sickbay, Tom Paris was arriving for his shift. The place was empty so he sat down to await the appearance of the doctor. A second later the Doctor came into being behind him.
Tom’s first indication that he was not alone anymore came as he heard the Doctor’s voice.
“Are you ashamed of the size of your sexual organ?”
His head spun around and his mouth fell open, and he stared at the Doctor as the holobeing continued, “Most females of many species are attracted to larger male sexual organs. If you are of a race that this description fits, and if your organ is smaller than you feel comfortable with, comm us, or come by our offices in the palatial Sinton Space Wheel. We can fix any sexual organ of any species. We are long-term experts. You may need surgery, or need to order chemical XY. It comes in pill form, a spray form, or a lotion you can rub on.”
Paris said, “You too, Doctor?”
The Doctor looked puzzled, then thoughtful, then finally a look of incredulousness came over his face. “That wasn’t me.”
His image blinked out for a second and when it came back he continued, “I purged my matrix of that ad and two others I found, but I don’t know how those files got there. I don’t know if I can stop any others from infecting my matrix…. You need to do something.”
“The ship’s computer has been infected by some type of spam virus, or trojan horse. Somehow it got past your filters. Kim and Tuvok are working overtime to purge Voyager’s system.”
“Tell them to hurry. This is embarrassing, and I can’t work with my usual genius if I have to stop to clear my matrix of these things every few minutes.”
On his way out the door Tom promised that they would be doing their best.
The next day as Tom arrived on the bridge, he noted that Harry was there already. His friend looked frustrated and tired, as if he had been up all night working on something he hadn’t been able to finish.
Which he probably had been, Tom thought. He glanced at the Vulcan officer, but Tuvok looked as rested as usual. Working twenty-four-hour shifts didn’t bother him as much as it did humans.
Looking closer though, Paris saw a tightening around the Vulcan’s lips. So he was just as frustrated as Kim.
Just then Captain Janeway walked in and sat in her chair.
Tom said, “Good morning, Captain.”
She nodded to him as she turned to Tuvok, saying, “Were you able to get rid of the spam program?”
As if in answer her question, music started playing and colors flashed on the view screen. As they all turn to look at the forward screen, pictures started flashing across it. They started on the right side, sliding across the screen and disappearing on the left. It was one picture right after the other.
The images slid by rather quickly, but the bridge crew could make out that the pictures were of females of various species. Or at least they thought they were all female, it was hard to tell with some of them. Some of the females were gyrating, while wearing skimpy outfits.
As the parade of females continued, some seemed to be just standing or sitting, while exposing various secondary sexual parts of their bodies.
Breasts, thought Tom, all those woman are showing their breasts. Or what passes for such, he added as an image appeared of nonhumanoid pulling off a tunic and showing something that looked like an indentation in her side. It had what looked like a nipple on the bottom of it, but the picture went by too fast to be sure.
A few seconds later as the women were pulling off their pants or slipping off what looked like half robes, a voice started.
It said in perfect English, “Lonely tonight? Far away from the females of your species? Just feeling like having some fun by yourself? Then tune into our channel. We have terabytes of images of each of these females. Our images include visual, 3-D, and holographic with interactive programs so the girls will do whatever you want them to do.”
“Turn that off!” Janeway practically shouted as Kim shook himself out of his reverie and started working on his console.
Neither her command nor his actions stopped the show.
The voice continued, this time in a husky female voice. “If we don’t have the type of female you are looking for, we would sure to have something close. As you know you males can be aroused by the opposite sex of many species. So come on by and check us out. We can send you the images over your comm, or you can stop at one of our places of business located throughout the Windu sector of space.”
By that time the females in the streams of images were showing more than just their nude tops. Both Harry and another human male were trying to take quick covert glances at the images while still working. Tom was staring open mouthed.
Janeway said, “I want that off now and no repeats.”
Tom said, “But Captain, this one isn’t bad, it can raise morale.”
“Tom Paris,” she said in a dangerous tone.
“Opps, sorry, Captain. You’re right, that one needs to be purged right away.”
“We have enough trouble with these…ads, on board this ship without a comment like that.”
“Hey, that looked like a picture of a set of twins I knew back on Earth,” Tom said.
Tuvok said, “I believe it was of two females of a species that are co-join
ed. We had business dealings with members of that race six months ago.”
“Yeah, I remember them all right, but are you sure these two were of that race?”
“Yes, I am. And it would be physically impossible for images of the twins, you know, to get here before we arrived.”
“With these two girls I wouldn’t be too sure about that. They probably would appreciate having their images where many types of men could look at them.”
Before Tuvok could respond, Captain Janeway said, “As fascinating as this conversation is we need to clear Voyager’s computer of this…and all the other, um, spam.”
“I have been trying, Captain, but it is very resistant to normal procedures,” Kim said.
“This is not a normal program, Captain, it is very resistant to standard methods of cleansing the computer.”
“You are going to have to find something that isn’t normal, in that case. Especially since this is getting worse. Two weeks ago, when it started, it just affected our communications. That was bad when it kept interfering with my comm signals and interrupted my log entries. Now it’s affecting ship operations. I have already explained why that is serious. Every time we think we got rid of it, it comes back, and now it’s putting that,” here she pointed to the screen with the fading music and images, “on our viewscreen.”
She clenched her hand and said, “I want it gone! Do you understand, gentlemen? I don’t care how, or if you have to shut down the computer and reboot it, I want it gone.”
With an audible swallow Kim said, “Yes, ma’am.”
Tuvok said, “We will do our best, Captain,” in his normal unflappable tone.
Later that day the senior staff were in the conference room discussing the problem.
Paris was saying, “I’d like to know where we picked it up.”
Tuvok said, “I believe we picked it up three weeks ago, as we were transversing the business district, when we stopped to trade for supplies.”
“I remember that. There seemed to be a lot of businesses set up in that area, more than we have ever come across, even in the Alpha Quadrant.”
“Just the type of place to pick up a spam virus,” Kim said.
Tom said, “Trojan horse—they had a different purpose than viruses.”
Just then the doors slid open, and Janeway walked in.
“As I said gentlemen, I don’t care what it is, as long as we get rid of it.”
Tuvok said, “It’s a very sophisticated program, Captain. I would like to meet the being who designed it. The way it infiltrated our filters, penetrated our firewall, then learned our language, is remarkable.”
“It might be remarkable, Tuvok, but we are still going to purge it, every bit of it, from our systems.”
“Yes, Captain, we were just discussing how to do that.”
“Have you come up with any solutions?”
“No, Captain, but we are still working it.”
Kim added, “We do think its main program is hiding from us, We have been able to delete certain aspects of it, and copies, but we can’t find its main file, which is why it keeps coming back.”
Tom said thoughtfully, “I wonder if it’s hiding in the holodeck matrix.”
“Why would you think that?”
“The Doctor was infected a few days ago, by three ads, right after he spent some time on the holodeck.”
“I’ve run a through check on the holodeck, and the Doctor’s matrixes.”
“Run another one then, and dig even deeper this time, Tuvok.”
“Yes, Captain.”
Captain Janeway stood, and started to walk toward the door, but as both parts of the door slid sideways, she paused.
She turned and said, “Do you think that whoever designed this infernal spam virus would be able to undo it?”
“Without talking to him directly, I think it’s probable.”
“In that case I want to find that individual and have him remove it.”
“I believe Kim and I will be able to find it and delete it.”
“You might be able to, but I want to make sure we get rid of it. We will turn around and head back to the place were we traded for the supplies.”
Just then an image appeared on the monitor on the table. Something that sounded like it could be music sounded, followed by a voice saying, “Need legal help? call us at Bong, Bong and Biennium.” The last name was pronounced a deep stretched out B sound. “If you have been hurt in some type of industrial accident or by a careless ship pilot, comm us and we can help you. We know the laws of a hundred different societies. Comm us right now, we have assistants standing by.”
Janeway stared at the ad then said, “And I want you to pilot us at full warp, Tom.”
“Full warp, Captain? We haven’t done that for months.”
“I know, but I want this fixed. Full warp and don’t spare the engines, Tom.”
As she turned back around and went through the door, she finished with, “I want this problem fixed, yesterday.”
The next day Captain Janeway entered the mess hall, sniffing as she did.
She said, “Trying something different, Neelix?”
“Yes indeed, Captain. I had to dig deep in your computer files, but I finally found something that explained what everyone was talking about these last two weeks.”
After a look of puzzlement appeared on her face he continued, “I realize you were talking about E-mails and comm signals, but as I mentioned before, every time you said the name of that virus, my translator translated it as processed meat. Since one of my duties is cook, I decided to find out all I could about this processed meat. I found a program for the replicators. I replicated twenty of those little loafs of Spam. I read that one of the favorite ways to serve it, was with eggs.”
She said. “You mean you’re frying some spam?!”
He said, “Yes, ma’am,” while missing the incredulous look on her face, “I replicated some omelets and some bread since people also like, um, sandwiches made with fried Spam, there is also a recipe for something called teriyaki Spam with fried rice I’m thinking of trying, and for those adventurous eaters there is jalapeños and Spam. Those jalapeños sound interesting, I might try them with other dishes.”
Neelix paused in his oration, asking, “Captain, are you still here?”
He looked around the corner of his work station, seeing no one he shrugged his shoulders.
He mumbled to himself, “She must have been called to the bridge for something, I need to save some of this Spam for her.”
A week later Voyager was docked in front of one of many stations. Her bow was pointed directly at one of the many sets of windows in the middle widest bulge of three that made up this particular station.
Janeway said, “Are you sure this is the business the original signal came from?”
“I’m ninety-seven point eight percent positive, Captain. I was able to back-trace the comm signal to here. As you know, Lieutenant Paris was correct, the program was hiding in the holodeck matrix, and even though I wasn’t able to delete it, I was able to dig into it. Once I found the basic section, I was able to find the designers’ signature. This company’s logo was part of the signature. They evidently wanted everyone to know who was responsible for it.”
“Could it be a fake to throw us off the track?”
“I would speculate not. The comm signal validates what I found, but the possibility does exist, which is why I am only ninety-seven point eight percent positive.”
“That’s good enough for me.”
The captain paused, then said, “Hail them, Ensign.”
“With pleasure, Captain.”
A few seconds later the image of the station morphed into an image of a being sitting behind a desk. He was humanoid, with what looked like blue feathers slicked back against the top of his head. He wearing a thin blue jacket over a light blue vest.
He smiled and said, “Captain Janeway, I am Suddon Blyth Conction Ulllma. What can I do for you this fine hou
r?”
“You can start by sending for one of your employees, a Rando Setten Curlu. We have something of his we would like to return,” Janeway said in a pleasant voice.
“I’m not sure if we can get him at the moment. He is busy working on a new project for us.”
“I can understand how someone of his talent would be busy, but if you don’t get him right now, I’m going to blow a hole all the way through your establishment,” she answered, still using the pleasant tone.
While was still sounding pleasant, she made a small movement with her hand, above her head. Tuvok, who had been watching her, ran his hands over his weapons control.
Suddon Blyth Conction Ulllma continued to smile until she finished the threat, and then he looked puzzled and said, “Could you repeat the last? There must be something wrong with our translator.”
“I believe you heard me correctly.”
Janeway leaned forward and her tone changed to one of cold steel. “If you don’t get Rando Setten Curlu up here immediately, I will unleash a barrage of phaser fire, powerful enough to blow your whole business establishment away.”
It looked like he swallowed, then pressed a button on his desk, saying something too low for the comm pickup. A few minutes later another being, obviously of the same race, rushed into the room.
This new being’s clothes looked disheveled. His was missing the jacket and vest, but was dressed much the same as the others. He, however, had red and bright yellow feathers on top of his head, some of which were sticking straight up.
He said, “I am Rando Setten Curlu. What can I do for you?”
“You can undo the spam program your company downloaded into our computer.”
His eyes narrowed and he said, “Spam? I don’t understand.”
“Sorry, I meant the program you designed to display all those ads with.”
“Oh, yes. That was one of my better works, my personal favorite.”
“Yes, I’ve been told how ingenious it is, but we want it gone and we can’t seem to be able to get rid of it. We want you to take it back.”
“Urr, I’m…”
“I really don’t care if you are busy. If you don’t take it back we are going to wreck your employer’s business.”
Star Trek®: Strange New Worlds 10 Page 16