Shades of Hate (Jacky Leon Book 5)

by K. N. Banet

  “And he goes to Hasan’s to hide during the anniversary month.”

  “Yeah, he’s an asshole, but he’s one of the family, right?” Dirk’s sarcasm didn’t go unnoticed, but I didn’t call him out. “He’s never really been mean to me, but you…Yeah, he fucking hates you.”

  “I don’t need the reminder. Seems you got lucky, though. Niko’s adopted son and my employee, and he’s not an asshole. That’s a damn miracle.”

  “Human and young. He’s known me since I was a kid,” Dirk reminded me. “But…he’s one of the reasons I would never be a werecat. Well, they’re all why I don’t want to be a werecat.”

  We kept walking as I thought about his words. It was clear Dirk wasn’t interested in being a werecat. I didn’t know my family had a part in shaping that opinion. Now that he said it, it made all too much sense.

  “Yeah, if I had met the entire family before it happened, I wouldn’t have been interested, either,” I agreed.

  “I mean…who wants to live like that? Alone.” Dirk slowly shook his head, walking next to me as we kept on the trail. “No…I want to forge my own path, and I don’t want to be alone like that. You’re different. You haven’t been ancient for long, but they all have issues with change. Funny, because they do it once a month, you know? And they’re all alone and honestly like it.”

  “We have the entire family,” I countered—a large family in werecat terms.

  “Yeah?” Dirk laughed. “And the one member of the family who has a lover, a real mate? Hasan, the oldest of all of you, sees her maybe once a decade if that. Niko has seen her a handful of times his entire life, and he loves her like a mother. Can you honestly say that’s a way to live? Can you imagine living like that with Heath? I know that’s already a complicated situation, but go with the example, please.”

  “I…I can’t,” I agreed, relenting. “And I’ve never met her.”

  “Yeah. Until you showed back up in their lives a few years ago, they didn’t talk nearly this often. You’ve breathed some life into them, but really, they all fuck off to their own corners of the world and do their own things. Look at Zuri. She’s been gone for months, and there’s no getting her back until she’s ready. One day, I bet you’ll have the same urge. You’ll get up, decide to go for a run, and that urge won’t stop. You’ll come back in a few years, but by then, everything will be different. That’s distinctly a werecat thing. It’s just so damn lonely to me.”

  “Did Niko ever do that to you?” I asked softly, looking up at him.

  He was right. I had already done it, just differently. I had fallen prey to the need to be alone, disappearing from the lives of my family the best I could for over six years. It had felt right, and I had been mildly content with the loneliness. If it wasn’t for Heath and his family crash landing into my life and my territory, I would have easily gone back to that life.

  “No, which is why I think Niko is too much of a wolf. I…” Dirk stopped as if he realized he was about to say too much. “Let’s get back to work.”

  “Okay,” I said softly, letting him end the conversation. Dirk saw too much. I already knew that, but he was wise to be so prickly.

  We found three more cameras and the large, live video feed to my house. All in all, there had been five little pieces of tech scattered in my woods. Every time we found another one, a sick feeling rolled through me, and I succeeded in crushing it. I had to fix this, and to fix it, I had to hold it together. I had to.

  “Why am I worried there’s more?” I asked softly, focusing on something other than that nasty feeling.

  “There might be, but we’re at the end. I can do another walkthrough, though. I caught two they didn’t even need.” Dirk seemed unconcerned. “I think I got them all, but we’ll find out, won’t we?”

  “Don’t say it like that. You’ll have me too paranoid to go home.”

  “You want my recommendation?” He eyed me. “Get a driveway. Make some official paths and use those exclusively for a while. Really wear them in. Make this place more official and put a fence around some of it. Barbed wire is all you need. If you make it even remotely harder for them to sneak in, they’ll be less likely to try.”

  “Does Niko use a fence?”

  “Everyone uses a fence,” he said, shaking his head at my reluctance. “I don’t know how you’ve survived this long. I really don’t.”

  “By not knowing anyone. I didn’t even tell people I was Changed by Hasan for over a decade. He didn’t introduce me to anyone outside the family those first few years, then I pretended as if I didn’t know anything once I was out.”

  “You don’t know anything,” he said with a huff.

  “And here I thought we were getting closer.”

  “Yeah, well, someone has to keep you on your toes,” he said, finally smiling. “If I’m going to be your head of security, I have lots of experience living with Niko, and he taught me everything about staying safe in our world. You’re all paranoid in your own ways. Look, those are just suggestions off the top of my head. I can reach out to Karl, Niko’s current head of security. I grew up with him hovering when Niko wasn’t around. He’ll be able to give me more advice. I bet Heath and Landon have some things they could add, too. But…you don’t do well with change. We all saw that play out when Kick Shot was being rebuilt. So…”

  I closed my eyes. He was right. At the mention of Heath and Landon being involved in this, I realized I never texted Heath back, never said if I could make it to dinner, which I had completely forgotten about. I didn’t even have my phone on me anymore. I left it in my office.

  “What you’re saying is I should take your advice and try to just deal with it because it’s better for me in the end.”

  I normally hated having too much—too much security, too much change—but for a clear moment, one I didn’t voice, I wanted them to put up fifty-foot walls around my house if they had to. Anything they needed to do, I would deal with.

  “Yeah,” he said softly. “I…get it. No one wants someone else running their life, but when lives are on the line, I get up, and I fucking do something about it.”

  “We’re a sad pair,” I said, chuckling. “Yeah. Yeah, whatever you come up with, I’ll try. I can’t keep getting caught off guard like this.”

  “I’ll call Landon and—”

  “I haven’t told them yet,” I said quickly. “Let me talk to Heath first. I’ll drive over in a couple of hours, and you can tag along to talk about new security.”

  “I mean, the bar’s security is great. Heath’s company did a great job with that, and I know you have control of it. I’ve never been to your house…”

  “Hasan recommended someone to do it,” I explained. “Look, let’s get inside and just chill out while I contact Heath.”

  He waved for me to lead the way. I chuckled. Sometimes, his behavior was so at odds. He was definitely rebelling against the life Niko had wanted for him, but oddly, he was very good at it.

  He wants to do it his way, and his opinions on werecats are…well-informed.

  He sat down on a stool behind the bar as I went to grab my phone. Heath hadn’t reached out, and I wrote it off as him assuming I got busy. It happened, and he wasn’t exactly a pushy or overbearing sort of man who needed to know every little thing all the time. It was one of the reasons I appreciated him so much. We lived our lives and found a way to do that together sometimes, but we didn’t take each other’s lives over, something my fiancé, Shane, and I had done. We had become each other’s world to the point where nothing else and no one else mattered. It had been romantic but overwhelming to consider now that I wasn’t a human, and my brain didn’t work the same way. Heath just wanted a place in my life and wanted to give me a place in his.

  When I got back downstairs, Dirk was sipping a drink.

  “A bit early for that, maybe?” I said lightly as I sat across from him.

  “We’re dealing with a world-changing event, and now I have a job that fucking terrifies me, but
no one else can do it, so I’m going to do a little breakfast drinking,” he countered. “Just the one to take the edge off.”

  “You’re a little young for that, aren’t you?”

  He gave me a flat stare. “You were getting married, then became a werecat at my age. One early morning drink on the first day of a new job I’m technically unqualified for, is not something you get to get on to me for.”

  “Touché,” I said softly, looking at my phone. My hand froze, and I looked back up at him. “You knew about Shane?”

  “Who doesn’t,” he muttered before taking a long swallow of whatever he had made himself.

  I shook my head, realizing my life was family gossip. How I didn’t already know that was beyond me. I probably knew, but it never sank in. Dirk was having a strange effect on me, making things clearer for me than they had been my entire damn time as a werecat.

  I hit call for Heath, knowing he was probably eating breakfast or getting out of the shower. It rang three times before he picked up.

  “Jacky, good morning,” he said in a voice I could only describe as confused and a little husky. The huskiness reminded me of evenings when I knew he was the happiest to see me.

  “You’re on speaker. Can you and Landon come over to Kick Shot, or we can head over to you? Dirk and I need to talk to you.”

  “Is this an emergency?” he asked, the huskiness gone.

  “Yeah. It’s why I didn’t get back to you last night.” I took a deep breath. “You’ll be doing the werecats of the world a very big favor if you help me with this.”

  “I don’t like the sound of that. Come over. You sound like you haven’t slept. Maybe a change of pace, a new space, may help clear your head.”

  “Yeah…I’ve been at the bar all night,” I said. “We’ll be right over.”

  “Change your clothes,” he ordered softly.

  “How did you know?”

  “I know you,” he said simply. “Drive safe.”

  “Will do,” I promised. I looked up at Dirk. “I’ll go change.”

  “I’ll be waiting. Want to take my truck? It’s nice and new, not a disaster like your Nissan.”

  “Sure.” This helpful Dirk was very strange.

  Maybe it’s because I won’t force him to go home…or he pities me. Also, how did he throw an insult into that offer?

  11

  Chapter Eleven

  We were at Heath’s home in less than thirty minutes. He met us at the front door, opening it before I could knock. He gestured for us to quickly come in. Landon was nearby, waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I ignored him and stared at Heath as the Alpha closed the door.

  “What’s going on?”

  “The BSA visited me yesterday, and it had nothing to do with you and Carey. They’ve been watching me. They know I’m a supernatural.”

  It was Landon who started whistling, low and persistent, probably in shock. Heath growled in his direction, and I turned to see the younger werewolf lift his hands.

  “Sorry. Just not what I was expecting to hear this morning. Why are you here?” His final question was for Dirk.

  “I’m her new…head of security,” Dirk answered, clearly unsure of the terminology, or maybe because he was talking to Landon. Landon’s eyes went wide.

  “Do you have training in that?”

  “He’s the best I got,” I said, cutting in as Heath reached out and grabbed one of my hands. “He was raised by my brother, so he knows a few things. He was able to get the fucking cameras out of my trees.”

  “Okay, let’s go to my office. Now.” Heath started walking, and when I didn’t move, he nearly pulled me to take a step, which was unlike him. “All of us. Let’s go. Jacky, you’ll explain everything when we get in there.”

  Once we were all in his office, he closed the door and sat down, running a hand through his perfect hair, messing it up in a way I was all too familiar with.

  “How?” he asked. “Are you okay? I wouldn’t be.”

  “I’m fine. Let me explain…” I explained every aching detail and watched as Heath grew more and more guilty. He slumped back in his chair when I got to the end.

  “It was us,” he said plainly.

  “It was us,” I agreed. “I…overstepped the bounds, doing what I have been, and now I’m paying for it.” I pulled out my phone and flipped it around in my hand. “I wouldn’t change it, any of it, I just wish it didn’t play out like this. Heath, Hasan threatened to take me home if I screwed this up anymore, and…these photos are from the last full moon.” I held out my phone. I had put the pictures and video on it for future reference the night before. “Which means they probably caught you coming and going, too.”

  “Oh no,” he whispered, taking my phone. I watched him scroll, and when he stopped scrolling, I knew he was on the video. “So, you talked to your family already? You made a game plan with them? Because I can’t…guide you through this. I’m a werewolf, and sticking my nose about you going public or working with the US government is…way out of line. There’s no way either of us could justify it. I helped the werewolves go public, and I could maybe tell you about those meetings, but beyond that…” He seemed a little lost. I knew Heath Everson liked having a plan. Plans were good. He could control plans, but this time, he had to be on the sidelines. For both our sakes, he had to stay out of this one.

  “Yeah, we’ve already talked, and it went as well as you can expect, but I need something from you,” I said softly, sitting down across from him. “Dirk and I need to shore up my security problems. I was hoping you and Landon could help him with that.”

  “Good work on getting the cameras,” Heath said, looking over me. “I can help contain your property, fencing, and maybe a few of your own cameras hooked up to your office at the bar or in your home. Jacky…I could turn your house into a fortress in under a month if that’s what you need.”

  “I’ll pay you,” I said quickly, swallowing. “Or you can just give Dirk some names and—”

  “Are you sure you want that?” Heath shook his head. “Jacky, you love living in nature and seeing your trees. I’m talking about putting up a wall and a gate.”

  “Whatever you have to do,” I said, suddenly frantic when he put my phone down on the desk between us. I looked down to see it paused on a scene from my house and remembered that sick feeling again, making my stomach twist. “Whatever I have to do. I’m about to be the United States and werecat liaison or something. Heath, this is big now. This isn’t me going off and getting into a fight. They’re coming to me. They know my name! They put up cameras pointed at my house! They have video of me!” I began to shake as tears filled my eyes. “PUT UP FUCKING WALLS!”

  For the first time since I saw the video, the sense of being violated hit me fully, like a battering ram on my emotions and my self-control. I had been holding on, trying to address the problem, making my emotions wait, but nothing could burn out the feeling I had the moment I saw myself on camera. I remembered how they blurred my body, but they had seen me. I was accustomed to nudity in front of the people I chose to be nude around and for practicality among werecats. That was something I accepted.

  These were strangers who recorded me, saved it, watched it, and learned my darkest secret, then had the audacity to think blurring my tits meant anything. Somewhere out there, someone was probably still replaying the unaltered version, not seeing a damn thing wrong with it. Someone who didn’t know how much they had fucking hurt me—or maybe they did and just didn’t care. They saw my scars and the sick way my bones shifted under my skin.

  They saw my truth, and they were going to have it forever. My privacy had been ripped away from me, and there was nothing that could get it back.

  I crumpled and sobbed, my shoulders shaking as it washed over me, and I felt the need to throw up.

  Two strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me off the chair into a lap. Curled on the floor, I sobbed into Heath’s shirt until it felt as though there was nothing left.

&nb
sp; “I’ve got you,” he whispered into my hair. “I’m here.”

  “She…she seemed fine…” Dirk was trying to say.

  “Let’s give them a minute,” Landon said gently. I heard the door open, boots leave, then the door close once again.

  “Let it out,” Heath said, ignoring the conversation.

  I took a ragged breath. “I…I need to get to work. I need—”

  “You need to come to terms with what’s happened,” he said strongly, holding me in place.

  I pushed away from him and off his lap, reminding both of us who was the stronger species. I fell back on my ass, hitting my tailbone on his hardwood floor when I couldn’t find my feet.

  “Come to terms with this?” I clutched the front of my shirt, hissing the words. “How can I ever come to terms with the fact I was filmed naked on my own porch? On my private property? And I exposed my entire fucking species!”

  “I don’t know,” he said gently. “I don’t know how, but you need to feel what you’re feeling, Jacky. I’m sorry, but you need to work through it. If you keep burying it, you’re only going to hurt yourself or someone else.”

  “I want to hurt them!” I roared, going feral as the human words turned into an animalistic sound. My body was triggering the Change. My jaw cracked and shifted as I tried to close it.

  “If you don’t calm down, there’s a chance you’ll do something you can’t come back from,” he said quickly. “Jacky, listen to me. When moon cursed lose control like you are right now, they don’t always come back from that Change. Please.”

  I saw the tears in his eyes, the horror and desperation on his face as I snarled in his direction and finally heard what he was saying.

  “Think of Carey,” he pleaded. “Please don’t lose it now.”

  I took a deep breath and held on. The rage and violated feeling inside of me was upsetting that primal part of me, that instinctual beast that was a corner of my brain.

  He was right. If I let the Change take me right now, it could very well be my last.

  Inhaling deeply again as my body shook violently, I fell forward and cried out, but I kept my human shape. He touched me gently and slowly hauled me back onto his lap.