After splashing cold water on my face, I dry off with a paper towel and straighten my imaginary crown. “Now that I know what I have to do next, I can make a plan to move forward. I’ll have a talk with Rod and Juliana, probably sometime between Christmas and New Year’s Day. In case this news isn’t received well, which I don’t think it will be, I don’t want to ruin their first real family Christmas since their mom died.”
“If you need me, I’ll be there with you. I’m not trying to intrude, but I don’t want you facing this alone either.”
“Thank you, Tracy. I love you, but it’s best if I talk to them alone. I should probably tell Rod first, so I don’t blindside him in front of his sister.”
She nods, knowing these conversations will be awkward enough without an audience present. Simply getting through the next few days without letting the others see my angst will be difficult. Hiding my condition from my mom and sister will take a miracle. Although, I think Mom already knows, but she’s waiting for me to come to her with the details.
“We should pick up a few small gifts while we’re out. We can’t go back empty-handed. That would raise too many red flags.” Tracy drops the positive test in her purse, pulls it onto her shoulder, and palms the car keys. We’ve taken over the store’s only restroom long enough.
“Yeah, you have a point. I should find something small for Rod and Juliana too, but I have no idea what to get them. I put Isa’s on the plane with all the other presents. Rod knows the adults in my family don’t exchange gifts, but I’d like to have an intimate celebration with them while we’re here. Something that’ll give them the full experience. Let’s go look around in the mall. A little retail therapy definitely is in order today.”
We head for the large high-end department stores first. With only a couple days left before Christmas, pickings will be slim, and those stores are most likely to have items left in stock. Finding something for two people who have every material possession they could possibly want isn’t an easy task, but by the time Tracy and I walk out of the mall, we’ve both achieved our goals.
“I can’t wait to see Rod’s face when he opens his Christmas Eve gift. You couldn’t have picked a better present for him, Daisy.”
“That one was easy—it’s a family tradition. But I struggled with his Christmas Day present.”
“He’ll love anything you give him but be prepared to catch hell for not letting him get you a gift. Your whole family can tell he’s crazy about you, even before your mom moved you into his bedroom. She said you two just needed a swift kick in the right direction.”
“Nice to know the family doesn’t mind meddling in my private life.” My deadpan response only makes her laugh harder.
“You two needed a shove in the right direction. Neither of you were moving fast enough to make anything happen.”
“You think we’re moving slow? It feels more like the speed of light to me.”
“That’s because you slept with a guy you’d just met, then got knocked up.”
I gawk at her as she drives, oblivious to the bluntness of her assessment. “Don’t hold back to save my feelings. Please, by all means, tell me what you really think.”
She glances over her shoulder and cringes. “Sorry. I can’t help but be blunt, you know that. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded though. All I meant is this situation feels fast to you because you’re still getting to know Rod while you’re pregnant with his baby. It’s not as if you’re the first person this happened to, you know.
“You’re both happier when the other is around. You’ve found your way back to each other in spite of the odds. Rod, even with his commitment issues, is head over heels for you. Focus on the positive points to help build your relationship. You two have a lot to be thankful for, babe.”
“You know, you actually do give good advice the few times you remember you’re dealing with actual human beings.”
“I deserved that.”
“Hell yeah, you did.”
We stare at each other for a few heartbeats before we both burst out laughing. With the stressful day we’ve had, it’s no wonder why we’re both on edge. After a few more days, the strain of keeping this secret will be over. Rod, Juliana, and I will have a frank and open discussion about the best course of action, and we’ll move forward from there.
I only hope Rod and I are still moving forward together rather than in opposite directions.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Rod
“What’s your mom up to, Landen?” He’s sitting in my lap, along with Isa, and they’re working on a joint plan for homemade Christmas presents.
“Grams said Mommy went shopping with Aunt Tracy. Maybe they forgot to get cookies to make for Santa.”
“You might be right.” But he’s not. I know, because I’ve already raided the fridge and found the cookie dough Chelle hid for tomorrow night.
“Hey, kids, I have something you two can use to make for your moms—and it involves finger painting. Come with me. We’ll go out by the pool and set everything up.” Chelle claps her hands then motions exaggeratedly with her arm, telling the kids to follow her.
Both jump up and run outside with her, eager to make whatever she has lined up for them. The rest of the extended family is either already outside, taking a nap in the comfortable chairs around the TV, or went off on their own shopping excursion. Brian offered to let me take his car if Kevin, Juliana, and I wanted to take a trip of our own, but Jules declined to go.
She went upstairs to her bedroom, leaving Kevin and me downstairs with worried minds and our imaginations running wild.
“I’m going up to check on Jules. Something isn’t right. Her doctor cleared her for this trip, and the home healthcare nurse has checked on her multiple times. But she’s not acting like herself at all and it worries me. Normally, she’d be all about Isa at this time of year.”
“Don’t interrogate her too hard, man. She’s going through a lot already.”
“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” I take the stairs two at a time and head straight for her door. After a light rap, just in case she’s asleep, I hear her answer.
“Come in, Rod.”
I open the door and sit on the bed next to where she’s stretched out. “What’s going on, little bird? Why are you hiding up here all alone?”
“I’m not hiding. My energy gets zapped quickly these days, so I need more frequent cat naps. A thirty-minute nap a couple of times a day isn’t too bad.” She manages a small smile, but I can’t help but notice the pallor of her skin or the additional weight she’s lost.
“What’s really going on, Jules? You never miss doing Christmas activities with Isa.”
She scoots up to lean her back against the head of the bed. “Rod, I was trying to wait until after this trip so it wouldn’t ruin the holidays, but you’re like a dog with a bone and won’t quit. I’m choosing to have a life of quality over the quantity of my remaining days. My treatments were becoming less and less effective. If the lethal cocktails were actually helping, I’d keep taking them. But they’re barely keeping the cancer at bay. In fact, I’m actually a little worse after each round. I’m on a break before the next cycle begins, but I’ve already decided against taking it.”
For a moment, I’m stunned speechless. My little sister is giving up, refusing to fight for her life. She’s ready to throw in the towel and accept her premature death. How can she expect me to accept that decision?
“No. No, you’re not. You’re too young to give up. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Not to mention Isa’s. Look, I won’t even pretend to know how much chemotherapy sucks, but there’s too much life left to live for you to make this decision now.” I’m rambling, stumbling over my words, and repeating myself because I can’t think straight.
“You’re right, on all accounts, but it’s not up to me. The cancer is winning this time, no matter how hard I fight against it or how strong my will to live is. I’ve had to make the worst decision, one I never imagined I’d f
ace at twenty-five. Either I spend the next few months sick all the time and die anyway, or I enjoy the time I have left without the medications that make me want to curl up and die.”
Her words are like a knife rammed straight into my chest. When I can’t stand it anymore, I jump to my feet and pace the room, racking my brain for a middle ground solution. One where she lives without the toll the powerful drugs take on her body and mind. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know my little sister would’ve already found that solution if it existed.
But I’m a selfish bastard, and I can’t release the sliver of hope that has sustained me. Juliana has to be around to watch her daughter grow to become like the beautiful young lady I raised as my own. She hasn’t found her forever love yet. I haven’t walked her down the aisle and given her away to a good man who’ll take care of her in my place. All the dreams and expectations I’ve set for her future will never be realized if we give up now. If she quits on me, I don’t know how she expects me not to give up on life.
Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me. She was supposed to break the chain.
When my desperation brings me back to her side, I drop to the floor beside her bed and fight to keep my emotions from speaking for me. “Jules, there has to be another way. Something different the doctors can try, like clinical trials they can get you into, or promising new experimental treatments. Anything. I’ll take anything that doesn’t involve giving up. I’m sorry, little bird, because I know this request makes me a terrible person, asking you to keep suffering to save me. But I’ve never been the type who folds when the chips are down, and I can’t help but believe we’re giving up too soon. Please.”
She narrows her eyes and pulls her lower lip between her teeth. When she tilts her head to the side and fingers the necklace she gave me all those years ago, a little hope fills my heart. She’s considering my pleas, remembering our life together, and what she said when she gave me the little bird pendant that never leaves my neck. “You’re right, Rod. After this break, I’ll talk to the oncologist again and see if we can come up with a better treatment regimen.”
“Promise? You’re not just telling me that to pacify me until we get home?”
“I promise, I’ll keep trying. But you have to give me something in return.”
“Anything, Jules. Name it.”
“While I’m on this break between cycles, stop treating me as if I’m knocking on heaven’s door. Granted, I need more rest than usual, but I already have a nurse coming here from her hotel room, checking on me every day. Just treat me like I’m normal, the same as everyone else. When I think I’m close to breaking, I’ll tell you. Until then, stop treating me like I’m already broken.”
“You drive a hard bargain, but I know when I’m beaten. We’ll go back to sparring in the ring, practicing our karate kicks on each other’s heads, and grappling on the mats. No mercy for you, little girl.”
“Very funny, Rod. You know exactly what I mean. But thank you for trying, in your own special way, to stop acting like I have one foot in the grave.” She rolls her eyes at me, but I don’t miss the change in her smile. It actually reaches her eyes now.
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way. That’s not what I think, but it is my worst fear. Maybe I overcompensate sometimes to make sure that never happens.”
She covers my hand with hers. “I understand, Rod. We’re both dealing with the unknown the best we can. When the time comes where none of the treatment works anymore, you have to accept my decision to stop. If I can’t spend my final days with my family, what’s the point of it all?”
“One day at a time, Jules. For now, we’ll enjoy the holidays. When you go back after the first of the year, we’ll talk about a new plan then. Deal?”
“Deal.”
“All right, I’ll let you rest so maybe you’ll feel up to caroling later. Text me if you need anything.”
Before I close the door behind me, I sneak one last glance just in time to see her quickly wiping away tears. Now I know she was only placating me by agreeing to our deal. As I walk away, I replay our conversation and realize I was so focused on my needs I didn’t hear hers. She’s tired in so many ways—of being sick, of not feeling well enough to spend time with her daughter, and of battling a disease that doesn’t fight fair.
After the holidays, I’ll offer to go to the doctor with her. If he agrees with her wishes, I’ll respect them too. For the time being, I’m counting on this little white bird pendant to do its job and carry our prayers on its wings. Since I’m no longer very good company after our talk, I head to the bedroom to be alone while Daisy’s out with Tracy.
She’s the only respite I’ve found from the nearly unbearable stress I’ve been under. While I’m relaxing on the bed, I wonder how Daisy would recommend handling this situation. Would she think I’m being selfish or prudent for encouraging Juliana not to give up yet? Daisy’s the most giving and selfless person I know, donating her time off in the summer to help less fortunate children change their circumstances. I picture her at the camp, coordinating activities and overseeing every minute detail.
When I examine the facts and consider how Daisy would respond versus how I took the news, I realize I already know what her generous heart and mind would say. Daisy would encourage me to spend the time with my sister while I can, let her make her own decisions about her body and her medical status, and realize she wouldn’t make any choice without weighing the many facets of it first.
Daisy would tell me to trust Juliana’s instincts and support her regardless of the cost to me.
Daisy would be correct in her assessment.
Acceptance isn’t easy to come by, but I know in my soul I have to respect Juliana’s wishes. Whatever it takes to make her final days peaceful and happy is exactly what I’ll do. Lying down with thoughts of Juliana, Daisy, and cancer treatments swirling in my head, I can’t help but want to escape what I know is coming way too soon. When I let go of the invisible tight grip I have on control and allow myself to relax, the black hole of sleep overtakes me.
Noises from down the hall rouse me from my nap, with Daisy’s sweet voice acting as the final catalyst. I rub my eyes, yawn, and swing my feet around to the floor. When I open the bedroom door, I hear another one closing and see Kevin rounding the corner to head back downstairs. He has an extra spring in his step and quickness to his pace, as if he’s excited about something.
But then, it is Christmas and the girls just returned from a shopping trip, so maybe Tracy brought back an extra special surprise for him. Naughty lingerie, maybe? Sex games to play in the privacy of their room, perhaps? A booked trip to visit her parents, sealing their relationship and dousing his fears of their racial phobia? The possibilities are endless.
My girl will know, though.
I knock lightly on Tracy and Kevin’s bedroom door so I don’t wake Juliana and to alert them of my presence, just in case they’re wrapping presents in there. But there’s no answer. When I turn the knob, I find the door unlocked and no one in the bedroom. The bathroom door is closed, and it shares a wall with my bedroom, so I bet they’re hiding in there with the gifts.
This time, I grip the doorknob tightly and fling it open all at once to surprise them. But I’m the one with the bewildered expression because they’re not in here either. Before turning to leave, I notice a slender, white plastic stick sitting on top of Kevin’s toiletry bag. When I pick it up, I instantly realize what it is.
A very clearly positive pregnancy test. The YES+ indicator on the digital display hardly can be misinterpreted. That would certainly explain the new spring in Kevin’s step. He and Tracy are having a baby. Well then, Merry Christmas to them.
I follow Kevin’s lead and quicken my pace downstairs and find him behind the bar in the den. He’s all smiles while chatting with Daisy’s family and pouring mixed frozen drinks into red and green plastic cups. When several people take theirs and move out of the way, I saddle up to the bar, slide into the chair, and hold up a cup
toward him.
He lifts his drink and clinks the plastic cup against mine. “What are we toasting?”
“You, your good health, and your good news.” I smile and bring my cup back to my mouth.
“What good news is that?” His brows draw downward, and he tilts his head, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.
Then it occurs to me that maybe Tracy left the test results there for him to find, but he hasn’t seen it yet. Did I just spoil the surprise?
“Um, maybe you don’t know yet. I don’t want to ruin anything by telling you too soon. When you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about.”
“No, you don’t. You don’t get to drop that vague bomb and back pedal on me now. Let’s have it. I’ll still act surprised when I see it. What do you know?”
“Fuck. I feel like such an ass for this, Kevin. Can’t we just leave it alone this one time?”
“Nope. You’re my best friend. You don’t get to keep secrets from me. Spill your guts.”
“Fine. But if you let on you know, Tracy will hate me forever. You have to swear you’ll keep your trap shut and act surprised. Right now.”
“You have my word.” He motions for me to continue.
“I heard Daisy’s voice and thought it was coming from your room, so I went in there to find her. Instead, I found a present Tracy left for you on top of your shaving bag. It’s just right out in the open, so it’s not exactly my fault I saw it. In fact, I can’t believe you didn’t see it when you were just up there.”
“I only opened the door to see if Tracy was in there then closed it right back. I didn’t check the bathroom. What did you see?”
“Congratulations, brother. You’re going to be a father. The pregnancy test is positive.”
I’ve never seen a man turn so white that fast before.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Daisy
Tracy and I head upstairs as soon as we walk through the door. She stops to leave her purse in her bedroom, and I keep walking down the hall.
All I Need: Rod & Daisy (All Of Me Duet Book 2) Page 9