by Lia Lee
“You’re incredible,” he said.
I blushed. I couldn’t help it.
“I have to go to work,” Lee finally said. “I would love to spend the whole day with you but unfortunately I need to go in today.”
I nodded. “I understand. I didn’t mean for you to take time off. Besides, I think I’m going to head back to Seattle. I have a few doctors in mind I want to visit. They all piled on and said I was infertile before. I feel like I want to hear their opinions now.”
“Will you be alright driving back so far?” Lee asked.
I nodded. “It’s not so bad.”
“When will you be back?” Lee asked.
“As soon as I’m done,” I said. I liked that he wanted me around, that he seemed anxious about me leaving. I had no idea where we stood or what we would be now that I was pregnant with his child, but I liked that he made me feel wanted.
Lee kissed me. “As soon as you’re back we’ll figure out what to do next.”
I smiled and nodded.
Lee went to the bathroom and showered quickly before he dressed in his ranger uniform. He left after telling me I was welcome to shower and find something to eat before I left, too. I waited until he was gone before I walked to the shower and turned on the hot water. I stepped underneath the spray, letting it run over my body.
When I had come here to tell Lee I was pregnant I hadn’t expected him to be so calm about the news. I hadn’t expected him to invite me over for supper and I certainly hadn’t expected to spend the night.
I had assumed he would be furious, shouting, accusing me of trapping him, or even sending me away. I’d expected a fight. Instead, Lee had welcomed me with open arms and it had only been one good thing after the other.
Pressing my hands against my lower stomach, I closed my eyes. I was pregnant. I still couldn’t believe it. I had wanted a baby for so long that the whole thing was surreal now that I had come this far.
After I showered, I towel dried my hair and tied it up. I put on a bit of makeup and fresh clothes that I’d brought along in an overnight bag. I wanted to head straight back to Seattle and visit a few old doctors I hadn’t spoken to in a while. I needed second, third and even fourth opinions about what was going on. I needed to know what was happening and why I had gotten pregnant now when I hadn’t tried at all. Why now after I had tried for years on end.
When I was settled into my little car I looked back at the cabin. Staying here with Lee had almost felt like home. I would do as I said and return to him as soon as possible. He was on board with me having this baby. If he was going to be so calm and nice about it, I was going to try to quit worrying.
I was going to trust him.
Chapter 17
Lee
I only worked half the day on Monday. I couldn’t focus on work, not with Farrah running around my mind all day and I had a lot of questions. I had to talk to someone about it. I called Hank.
“Can you handle the runs alone this afternoon?” I asked. “I have business to take care of.”
“Yeah, but you owe me.”
“Free drinks at The Pint on the weekend.”
Hank laughed. “That sister of yours is going to eat me alive.”
“I’ll talk to her,” I said and we had a deal.
The only person I’d ever really been able to talk to was Hannah. My sister and I were close. We always had been. When she had gone through her divorce I had been her shoulder to cry on, and I knew I could go to her with everything that had happened to me the past couple of days. Even though I hadn’t told her the extent of what had happened with Farrah, I knew I could turn to her Hannah now.
My sister wasn’t dumb and she missed nothing. She already knew there was something there.
I knocked on her door until she finally opened it. Hannah’s eyes were bleary with sleep and her hair was a mess.
“Don’t you want to bother me when I’m not sleeping?”
“Sorry, sis,” I said, stepping into the house. “I needed someone to talk to.”
Hannah frowned, her demeanor immediately changed. “Is something wrong?”
I shrugged. It wasn’t that something was wrong exactly, I just didn’t know how I felt about it all.
“Come on,” she said and turned into the house. I closed the front door behind me and walked with Hannah to the kitchen where she put on the kettle for coffee. “If I’m grumpy with the customers tonight, it’s going to be on you. Just sayin’ ya know?”
“Farrah is pregnant,” I said.
Hannah froze and stared at me.
“What?”
“I knew that would get your attention,” I said, grinning.
“That means you slept with her,” Hannah pointed out. “I’m doubting you would be here if it was with another man’s baby.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I slept with her. There’s something about that woman that drives me crazy.”
Hannah chuckled. “I knew you were all into her. I saw it that night you thought that brunette was her.”
“Yeah, I didn’t know about this then, though.”
“About the baby?”
I nodded.
Hannah turned around, shaking her head. She kneeled and opened the liquor cabinet, taking out a bottle of whiskey. “Seeing you’re not the one that’s pregnant, you should have a drink. A big one.”
I watched her pour two fingers and push the tumbler toward me. I took it and took a sip despite the fact that it was only lunchtime. A stiff drink sounded like a great idea as a matter of fact.
Hannah made herself a cup of coffee and we walked to the living room. I was sipping the whiskey. As we sat down, Hannah folded her legs under her and settled down on the couch.
“Tell me how this happened,” Hannah said. “From the start. Because your opening statement was kind of the ending.”
I chuckled and told her everything. How I had been attracted to Farrah, our kiss under the moonlight after I had dared her to be bold. The photo shoot. The note on my desk. I told her about Farrah’s medical history and how she had been positive she couldn’t get pregnant.
And that now she was apparently having my child.
“Never say never, brother,” Hannah said.
I nodded. “Yeah, I know. This is crazy though.”
“No argument there. Is she at your cabin now?”
I shook my head. “She headed back to Seattle to see more of her doctors and get second and third opinions. I think this was more of a shock to her than to me, to be honest.”
“It sounds like it. If she had tried for so long and it didn’t work,” Hannah said. “It sounds like maybe all she needed was the right guy.”
I chuckled again. I wasn’t sure if this was all about being the right guy. Making a baby wasn’t quite the same as destiny or fate. Was it?
“I’m assuming she’s going to keep it after she’s wanted a baby for so long,” Hannah said.
I nodded. “I think so, yeah. I can’t imagine her seeking an abortion after all she’s been through trying to get pregnant and failing. Which is how she saw it, by the way. She’s still wrapping her mind around the whole thing, I think. So am I, quite frankly.”
“How do you feel about being a father?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t had a lot of time to think about it. It’s all been a bit sudden. I always thought I would be younger. It wasn’t like I dreamed of being a father one day, not in the way you girls do. But I guess after a while I gave up on the idea and focused on shit like work, you know?”
Hannah nodded. “Yeah, well, me too.”
We sat in silence for a moment.
“Are you ready for it?” Hannah asked.
I nodded. “I think I am. I can do it financially, of course. With the cabin provided by the ranger office, and not much else to spend the cash I make on, I’ve just been stacking up savings. I think I could make a good dad.”
“You would make a great dad,” Hannah said.
“Thanks, Han. I don’t exactly ha
ve experience with kids, though.”
“But you’re kind, and thoughtful. You’re serious about right and wrong. I think those are the right qualities. You’re already thinking about supporting Farrah, so you’re halfway there. It’s more than a lot of other men do.”
I thought about Hannah’s ex-husband. He was a deadbeat. It was good they’d never had children together. I threw back the last of my whiskey and put the empty glass down on the coffee table.
“I think I could make it work. It will take some getting used to though. It’s a big responsibility to look after another person. But I look after people all day, right?”
Hannah laughed. “And sometimes adults can be a lot more work than kids.”
We laughed together and joked about the hikers I came across sometimes, or the people at the pub that ended up getting so drunk they didn’t know where they were. Hannah and I had to take care of them like they were kids, sometimes. She was right, though. I could make it work if I tried. The only real wrong I could do was not to care at all.
And that was impossible. I was already invested.
“What about Farrah?” Hannah asked. “How do you feel about her?”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“You know her,” I said. “You know how likable she is.”
Hannah nodded. “And I saw how much you seem to like her. I get it. There’s something magnetic about her. When I met her I wanted to be her friend right away, too. But having a baby together is something else. And it’s so soon after you met her. You don’t really know anything about her.”
“I know,” I said. “But I’ve thought about it a lot—all last week after she left, I couldn’t think of anything else. I don’t have any regrets. Looking back, I don’t feel like we shouldn’t have slept together or anything. Something about her just feels right.”
“Sounds to me like you’re in love, brother,” Hannah teased, laughing. She finished her coffee and reached over to the coffee table to set down her empty cup.
I shook my head but I was smiling. I couldn’t say that just yet. I had only known her for a little more than week and she’d been gone for several days. However, I did feel something for her that I hadn’t ever felt for anyone else, and I definitely wanted to explore it.
“I think it’s going to be interesting to see how we’re going to make this work,” I said. “Like you said, we barely know each other. But everything about her is amazing. She’s not like the other women I’ve known.”
“No, she’s not. She’s not like anyone I’ve ever met either, and that’s saying something,” Hannah said. “I have a lot of feet coming through my door every day.”
“I want thinking I want to give it a go. I would like to try it out, to see what we’re like as parents. I want to get to know her better. I really do like her, Han.”
Hannah smiled. “I can see that. You light up when you talk about her. That’s a hell of a lot more than you’ve done with any other woman. Especially Holly.”
I groaned when she mentioned Holly. “That girl just isn’t giving up.”
“And she doesn’t like Farrah at all,” Hannah pointed out.
I laughed. “Holly needs to get over her little crush. I don’t know how many times I can stomach telling her off.”
“Maybe you won’t have to. If you and Farrah are together, she’ll get the hint. Are you going to date her, though?” Hannah asked. “Or are you only going to co-parent this baby?”
That was something I hadn’t thought about any more after Farrah and I had done the dishes together in my cabin. Building a home with her had felt right in that moment, but since then I’d been pushing the thoughts away. I knew I would like to try with her, but I had no idea what she wanted.
And what if she didn’t want me? After the week of trying to get her out of my mind and failing, I didn’t know how I would deal with it if she didn’t want me.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I would like to try for something more, obviously. It’s not just Farrah and how lovely she is. I think it’s the right thing to do for the baby. But I don’t know what Farrah wants.”
“You’ll have to talk about it at some point,” Hannah said.
I knew that, and I knew I had to bring it up. I dreaded having that talk with her, though. If Farrah didn’t want a relationship with me, even though we were going to have a child together, it would be a serious kick in the gut. It had taken me a week just to stop thinking about her after I had spent the weekend with her. Knowing everything I knew about her now, and after having spent more time together, a rejection would be that much worse. But I had to clear that up with her and we had to do it, soon.
“What if she doesn’t want to be with me?” I asked, verbalizing my fear because I knew that if anyone understood, it would be Hannah.
“It’s something you’ll have to accept, of course,” Hannah said. “But she came to tell you about the baby. And it’s not like she came back to you with a lot of demands and a list of expenses. She stayed with you and you slept with her again. That doesn’t sound like much of a rejection to me.”
I nodded. Hannah was right. But fucking and dating were two very different things. There was no denying that Farrah and I had a very strong physical attraction. What about everything else? What about companionship and working together and love? It was very different than just getting naked together.
“Talk to her,” Hannah said. “Even if it scares you. It’s better to know than to wonder. And once you know, you can handle the rest of this pregnancy and the rest of your life with her—either as your significant other or as the mother of your child—knowing where you stand. Don’t wait.”
Hannah was right. She was the voice of reason when things were chaotic in my mind. But to talk to Farrah was to open myself and risk pain. And I wasn’t sure if I had what it took to give Farrah the opportunity to hurt me.
Chapter 18
Farrah
By Wednesday afternoon, I was finally on my way back to Packwood. I had left on Monday morning seeking additional medical opinions, and since I’d gone from doctor to doctor, I’d had what seemed like a battery of tests run on me.
There was nothing more invasive than tests that prodded and poked at my most intimate parts. I hated going through that once a year, never mind going through it again and again. But it had to be done. I wanted answers and I would go through whatever I needed to, to find out if I was really pregnant, and if this baby was something I could hope for.
By the time the doctors were done with me on Tuesday, it was too late to drive back to Packwood. I had phoned Lee and explained it to him, and he had been more than understanding. The nearly three hour trip wasn’t something he wanted me to do alone in the dark, especially after a long day.
“Will you come back tomorrow?” Lee had asked, after he made sure I was okay to stay at home for a night. There had been an urgency to have me back and I had told him that I would drive through as soon as I was able.
I really liked the idea of being wanted, and I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. I hadn’t even felt wanted when I’d been with Jim, especially toward the end. All I remembered feeling with Jim was like a failure.
Everything about Lee made me feel fresh and alive. He wanted me and I wanted him, and I liked it. The contrast was stark, compared to what my life used to be like. Things were all very unsure between us, with a future that was filled with question marks, but when it came down to what passed between us, I’d already experienced more good with Lee than I’d ever had with Jim.
I couldn’t believe I’d thought Jim was the be-all and end-all of my universe once upon a time. It seemed strange now that I’d thought myself so hopelessly in love with that man; when what I felt with Lee in such a short time was so much stronger than what I had felt in the entire five years Jim and I had been together. But this was how I grew.
When I met Jim, I’d been younger, and foolish. I thought I knew everything about the world, and the promises and dangers it held. I also
thought I knew everything about love.
Today, I was more mature, and I’d learned that not every ending was a happy one. And that some stories were more nightmares than fairy tales.
Lee didn’t seem like the kind of man that would hurt me. Even though I’d thought the same about Jim at first, but this was different.
I was willing to take a chance with Lee. Not only because I was having his baby, but because somehow, I was drawn to him. He had unlocked a side of me I hadn’t known existed. Something worth exploring.
When I finally arrived in Packwood it was almost three in the afternoon. Even on the days Lee had the early shift I knew he only ended at four. So, unless he was out on his ATV, he would likely be at the ranger office.
I drove straight there, thinking how different I felt today, compared to when I had come here on Sunday. I’d had such a huge burden to bear, and had been terrified that Lee would be angry with me, that he would reject me, and think I had set him up. Telling him about the pregnancy, however right it had been to do it, was terrifying. But now, I drove to him with excitement. I was going to see Lee without trepidation. I didn’t know what we were, but I was very attracted to him, and thankfully had received all good news from the doctors after the tests. I was in a good space and things were starting to turn out right for me.
What a contrast to how I had felt before.
I parked in front of the ranger’s office and climbed out, walking to the front door. I knew there was another office but the door was shut. When I knocked on Lee’s door and walked in, he looked up and a smile crossed his face.
“You’re back,” he said.
I nodded and walked toward the desk. A look of hunger crossed Lee’s face and my stomach tightened. When he looked at me like this, I melted. He had obviously missed me. He moved toward me, sliding his hands into my hair around my neck and kissed me. The kiss was urgent immediately and I knew exactly what he wanted. The bulge in his pants when he ground himself against me only confirmed it.