by Ryan Michele
“If that’s the case, I’ll always be Casey.” I mumble. Becs and Princess look at each other and I roll my eyes. “I need to lie down.” I say to Harlow. “I have to or you’re going to be carrying me.” I look around and see G.T. is no longer around and sag in relief. I cannot do this anymore. The fight is leaving me fast.
“Come on. I’ll get you settled.”
Cruz pulls me out of the main room by barking his fucking order to go. Any other time, I’d be able to kick his fucking ass, but not this time.
I hear Princess and Casey screaming, something about her not being family or some stupid shit. Fucking women.
The glass on the table flies across the room, my arm feeling incredibly strong at the moment. Adrenaline courses through my body, no longer feeling weak. Pregnant. And didn’t fucking tell me. Fuck!
“Calm your ass down.” Cruz says from the doorway. I turn and clench my fist. I’d love nothing more than a fight right now, even if my body can’t take it. He’d pound me though and I don’t want to live with that shit the rest of my damn life.
“Fuck off brother.”
“No, thanks. I have your sister for that.” He smirks; my breathing hitches and my teeth grind together. “This is a shit deal, at least from what I heard about it. You’re gonna pass the fuck out and I’m tired of carrying your ass everywhere.”
“Then leave.”
“Can’t do that.” He walks over and takes a seat in the desk chair, propping his feet on the desk and crossing his legs seeming to make himself right at home. “Talk.”
“I’m not fucking talking about it. You already heard it!” I bark moving to the window. Looking out, cars go up and down the road one after another reminding me that the world always continues even if everything you thought just went to shit.
“Is it true what you told her? That she wasn’t good enough and you wanted different pussy?”
I continue to stare out the window the fury bubbling now to a small boil. “I never said she wasn’t good enough. She made that shit up herself. I did tell her that I needed a variety of pussy and I did kiss the club momma coming out of my room. I lied to her, saying that I fucked her.”
“That was fucking stupid. We all know she means something to you.”
My shoulders sag a bit, but not much. “No shit?” I shake my head. Casey’s right. If only I hadn’t let the lie spew out of my mouth. I’d already regretted it, now quite a bit more.
“Why’d ya do it?”
“Fuck if I know.”
“I call bullshit.”
“Call it whatever the fuck you want. You can leave now.” I turn and face my brother, his eyebrow quirks.
“You don’t wanna talk about it, fine. It’s your shit deal, not mine. But Princess will be all over you like a fly on shit and then I’m gonna hear her bitch. Therefore, this shit storm affects me. So, brother what the hell are you going to do about it now?”
I stare into his eyes, knowing he’s doing his best to help or at least keep himself out of the mess, whichever. “I don’t fucking know.” I say honestly.
“You need to get your shit together. We have Rabbit, Paine and the T-Darts to deal with after Diamond’s funeral. VP will be voted for the day after. You’re obviously gonna be out of commission for a while, but you need to get your head in the game, quick. And now this shit, figure it out.”
I don’t answer him. He’s right and I fucking hate that. “Give me some time. Now go.” I order. This time he listens and leaves the room.
I collapse on the bed my body feeling the exertion that I just gave it. Mia. I was gonna be a dad. The thought is overwhelming. I never thought I’d be one and now I’m sad I’m not. I can see her little face; she looks just like Casey growing up, so alive and full of spunk. Her long blonde hair flowing down her back, blowing in the wind and the biggest green eyes I’ve ever seen. My heart aches and I throw my good arm over my eyes to block out the light. I need dark to match the feelings swarming inside of me like bees ready to sting.
My breath catches and my body feels unbelievably heavy all the sudden, but I welcome it. I welcome the pain; it’s the least I deserve. A lone tear escapes my eye. I bat it away, my mind wandering, nothing making a lot of sense, but the thoughts flood me.
Diamond, T-Darts, Rabbit… VP… Casey… Mia… What the fuck am I going to do? I close my eyes, just as everything turns black.
“G.T.” A voice says from above me. “G.T.” The sound is louder. “G.T.!” I jump as Princess’ shrill voice comes loud and clear.
“What?”
“Time to take your meds you fucking idiot.” She growls handing me a bottle of water and some pills. I sit up slowly and take the offerings.
“Thanks.”
She huffs. “What the hell were you thinking?!”
“Did you know?”
“No. Not ‘till earlier in the day. She said she was going to tell you after the twenty-four hours was over. She wanted to make sure you were healthy enough to take it.”
“I’m not talking to you about it.”
“Fine.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “Then just listen ‘cause I’m only saying this shit once asshole brother of mine.”
I lay back down waiting for the blow.
“Her not telling you was shitty, but look at the circumstances surrounding that time. It wasn’t all her fault. You pretty much degraded her into her mother, G.T.” My stomach churns at the thought. Casey has always despised the way her mother slept around the club and then abandoned her. “And what was her life? Being raised by a single parent. She knew she could do it on her own and that’s what she was trying to establish before she talked to you. She was giving you an out, G.T. You may not see this, but she was fucking giving you the freedom you told her you needed. Even in her time of confusion and hurt, she was thinking of your ass. She wanted to have enough to raise this baby on her own if that’s what needed to happen.”
I pull my arm over my face, not blocking out what my sister is saying, more like trying to process it all. I didn’t want to think I did that to her so I latch on to the only thing I can. “So why didn’t she tell you then?” I clip.
“Cause I would have told you. She didn’t tell anyone G.T., except for her doctor. She carried it around on her own for months. And the only reason she told her friends Jace and Bella up there was because she was bleeding so bad she needed help.”
“Where the hell you hear all this?”
“Where the hell you think I’ve been for the past four and a half hours brother? I’ve been downstairs trying to console an inconsolable woman. She finally passed out, so I made my way up here.”
How in the hell can everything turn to shit so fast? A few hours ago, I’m ready to make Casey mine and now I’m so fucking angry with her and hurt, I don’t know what end is fucking up. It has to be all these damn drugs I’m on. I’ve got to get off of them.
“I’m not sure what’s running through that thick skull of yours, but you need to figure it out. If you truly love Casey now is the time to show it. She’s a shell of a woman G.T., losing Mia killed a part of her and now she believes you are gone as well. She’s empty and broken. You need to decide what you want and quick. She’s leaving right after Diamond’s funeral and this time she vows no matter what happens, she won’t be back.”
Princess didn’t give me time to respond, the click of the door tells me she’s gone.
I roll off the bed, needing a drink, now. I don’t give a shit about the meds. I need alcohol. Walking out into the main clubhouse guys line the walls and stop to say hi or pat me on my good shoulder. Everyone except for Pops whose eyes glare at me. I walk up to him and the vein in his neck twitches.
“Church, you and me now!” Pops brushes past me and I follow, closing the doors behind me.
Pops looks out the window not bothering to turn and look at me when he begins talking. “Boy, this shit ends now. We’ve got too much going down. The club is at stake and we’re taking out our problems very soon. I
need your fucking head in the game and not stuck up Casey’s pussy.”
I nod. “I’m ready.”
“Bullshit you’re ready. You’re still out for another few weeks Doc says, which means, you stay behind.”
“Fuck that! I’ll be fine. You can’t tell me that I have to stay back.”
“Can and did.” He turns and looks me in the eye. “You’ll handle shit inside, but not outside. We will take care of all that.”
“What the fuck Pops?”
“Don’t go getting your pretty panties in a bunch.” He smirks. “Got info from Ransom. Rabbit’s got a hushed meeting coming up here in a few days. Fucker’s trying to be quick and under the radar, but Ransom’s got people.” I nod for him to continue. “All his members in one building and that’s our chance.”
“Bomb it?” He nods. “Buzz needs in on this and so does Tug. They’re real good at that shit.”
“Yeah. After Diamond’s funeral, we have church and it all gets set up. You’ll work from here. Got it?”
“Yeah.” I grumble not happy about it.
“We’ll be picking VP too.” My ears perk a bit.
“Am I up for it?”
“Yeah. You and Becs.” I stare for a moment and process it. I never once thought that I wouldn’t be sitting next to Pops at the table and hearing the other man’s name stuns me for a moment. “Yeah. You’re still young. Remember that.” He says opening the door.
Fuck. All those damn tests they put me through and to not get voted in. I follow Pops out of the room and stop dead in my tracks. Casey is standing behind the bar, her back to me. Tug pauses when he sees me but then continues his conversation with her smiling softly, but keeping one eye on me. Smart man.
Casey’s shoulders sag and she turns around, her eyes landing directly on mine, so many thoughts pouring out of them. She abruptly turns back, Tug nods and she walks out the front door of the clubhouse.
Tug wipes his hands, walking up to me. “Brother, she wants me to take her somewhere. I’m gonna go.”
It isn’t a request for permission, but it is a plea for understanding.
“Where?” I ask abruptly.
“To see Bam.” Fuck. I rub my hand over my face, nod and turn away. He takes his cue and leaves.
The entire morning I spent helping Harlow and ten other women get all the food ready for after the funeral today. We made enough food to feed an army, but that’s what we were feeding. An army of brothers. I do anything and everything to keep my mind off of the swirling inside my head, even if only for a moment.
After getting back from seeing Bam yesterday, I stayed locked in my room. Harlow brought me food and tried to coerce me out, but I needed to be alone. Which is totally ironic considering all I wanted before was her comfort before.
I didn’t truly know how G.T. would react to Mia and even though he is pissed as shit, I’m happy about it. I’m happy he cares. It means she mattered to him. Even if he can’t stand to be in the same room as me, at least he cares enough about her to be upset. That’s all that matters.
“You’re riding in the limo.” Harlow says rushing into my room. I’d just gotten the last of my makeup on. I’d decided to go with a simple black dress that hugs my body, but flowed at the bottom. Simple yet cute.
“Okay.”
“You’ll be with G.T.” I turn abruptly.
“You think that’s a good idea? Having us in a confined space.”
“You’re family. You ride in the limo. He can’t ride yet, so he’s with you in the cage.”
“Fine.” I grumble. This is so a bad idea.
“Come on. We gotta get upstairs.” Harlow is wearing her leathers which is to be expected. All the brothers and their ol’ ladies will be riding today in honor of Diamond.
“You riding or riding with Cruz?” I ask climbing the stairs to the main room.
“Riding next to Cruz.” She answers quickly.
Scanning the room, G.T.’s eyes instantly find mine and suck me in. I turn away quickly not wanting to get pulled into the hurt right now. It’s too difficult of a day and I cannot add to it right now.
A commotion from the door commands our attention and all eyes of the club swing that way. A little pixie of a woman stands waving her finger at everyone and no one in particular. I move closer to get a better view. She is dressed in a sleek black dress that shows off her hourglass figure. Her long chestnut hair flows straight down her back. As she turns, I know instantly who she is.
“Shaina?” G.T asks from the far couch. My eyes flicker towards him. He looks good enough to eat. His black pants hug his legs, tight black t-shirt hugs his chest and his rag sets it all off. I shake my head and turn back to Shaina.
Shaina makes eye contact with him. “Well, if it isn’t the MC golden boy, born and bred to run this shithole. Too bad my dad had to die for it to happen.”
“Nice to see you too. Didn’t think you’d make it.” None of us thought she would show her face for it, guess we were wrong… Her relationship with her dad was not the greatest, at least what we knew of it.
“Now come on G.T. what kind of daughter would I be if I didn’t come say goodbye to my daddy?” The tone in her voice pisses me off. It’s smug and arrogant and totally disrespectful to Diamond.
“You didn’t want to fucking say hi to him when he was alive. I doubt it would fucking matter if you say goodbye.” G.T. barks loudly.
“Such a fierce, loyal man you are G.T. Don’t worry, after today I’ll be gone for good. That is after you give me my money.”
G.T. rises from the couch. “What fucking money?”
“I know there is a shit ton of rules in this place. Isn’t there one for a brother killing another brother?” She walks in and stops in front of G.T., turning cold as she says the last three words. My body stills and part of me wants to run to his defense, but I stop myself.
“You fucking bitch. You fucking think I killed him?” G.T. roars.
“You should leave.” Harlow calls from beside me. Shaina’s eyes snap quickly to hers.
“Oh and look who it is, Miss Princess. Don’t you look pretty in all your leather?” She chastises Princess, who walks toe to toe with her.
“You need to shut the fuck up quickly or all these men here will throw your ass out.”
She smirks and turns back to G.T. “What would you call not protecting my dad?”
“I tried to fucking save him.” G.T. clips his vein starts to pulsate.
“Didn’t do a very good job, did ya?” G.T. lunges for the woman just as Harlow grabs her around the throat.
“You are not welcome here. You want to come to the funeral, fine, but don’t fucking step foot back here.” G.T. growls. “Buzz, make sure she leaves. Now.” He nods, grabs Shaina and takes her out of the clubhouse.
“Nothing like getting started early.” Harlow says brushing her hands down her clothes to smooth them out.
“It’s time.” Pops calls out to the club, not acknowledging the outburst and everyone files out.
“I’ll see you there.” Harlow says as I enter the limo.
“Yep. No worries.” I don’t know if I am reassuring her or myself. She nods and takes off leaving the door wide open. I move as far over in the seat as I can, not wanting to touch G.T. I stare out the window waiting to hear the rumble of all the bikes that will follow us. I love that noise.
My body vibrates, sensing him before I feel the movement on the seat. I do not turn to him or talk. I don’t even think I can breathe. This is the closest I’ve been to him since I told him about Mia and while he said some horrible things, I know they were in a moment of hurt. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same.
His breathing is the only sound I hear until all the bikes behind us roar to life and we move. The seat begins to shake repeatedly. I look over to see G.T.’s leg bouncing uncontrollably as he looks back at the bikes, his face twisting. He’s hurt and crushed he can’t be on his bike, riding for this. My insides twist.
My hand in
stinctively reaches out and grabs his leg making him jump and I quickly pull away. “Sorry.” I mumble turning back to the window. Heat flushes through my body. He grunts, no words escaping his lips.
It’s strange that in the course of one day, G.T. and I can crush everything we built over the years. Words. They cut deep, deeper than actions. Each one that spewed out of our mouths came from hurt and in my head, I know that, but my heart is another story.
Anger radiates off of G.T. and if I sat any closer to him, I might just go up in flames. Today though, I don’t have it in me to confront him. When I woke up this morning, I grabbed every bit of strength I could, but now at this moment with the cemetery getting closer, the strength oozes out of me, leaving the grief to strangle me like a vise.
Everything is exactly the same as when Bam died, the limo, the brothers and sisters behind it, and all the chapter members behind them, making one endless stream of bikes. I breathe in deep, I can do this and I will.
The limo comes to a stop and I clutch my tissues in my hand, willing myself to get out. “It’s time.” G.T.’s deep voice bounces off the walls of the car. I nod pulling the door open. The warm air caresses my skin as I turn to look at all the bikes. I breathe in and out deep to stop the tears, but the ache in my heart is so strong, I fear it will bring me down.
Heat envelops my back and I inhale G.T. as his hand rests on my shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. The kindness is almost too much to bear, but I take it, even if for a moment.
I spot Harlow right away. She parks her bike along with the rest of the club, grabs Cruz’s hand and makes her way to the limo. She eyes her brother behind me and I can feel the daggers in her penetrating stare. “You alright?”
I cough to clear the lump in my throat. “Yeah.”
“Come on.” She grabs my hand pulling it with her and Cruz. I keep my eyes straight not wanting to turn around and see G.T. standing there.
The service is long, which is to be expected and standing this entire time is beginning to wear on me. I glance over at G.T. who is only about ten feet from me, his head is bowed down and I want to go over and wrap my arms around him. Love just doesn’t disappear when you’re pissed at someone. It’s always on the forefront. Always looming.