“Audra, I can’t live there, don’t you understand? You expect me to understand your side, but you don’t want to understand mine. You want me to give up everything I have worked for and go running off to be the overseer of poor, overworked Negroes who have been bought and sold like cattle! I can’t do it, Audra. And I know by the way you talk that you could never leave your father and Joey and stay here with me. It would eat at you, just like what happened to my mother. I can’t be married to a woman who can’t belong totally to me; and I know that no man marries you without also marrying Brennan Manor. I see it in your eyes, in the way you talk; it’s in your blood, Audra, and it runs much deeper than even you realize. Not until you were taken away from all if it would you understand what I’m telling you.”
She blinked back tears and turned her back to him. “Then why did you kiss me last night? Why did you tell me you loved me?”
“I do love you, but I never meant to tell you. I was going to go back to New York and never say a word…until I found you crying on the beach. I made a big mistake, Audra. I can never apologize enough, and I won’t ever forget you; but it just can’t work.”
Oh, how she loved him…and how she hated him! It wasn’t fair, holding her that way, taking advantage of her, building her hopes. “You damn Yankee!” she said, seething, then gulped in a deep sob.
The words pierced Lee like a knife. She had every right to hate him, but there was something deeper in the words than unrequited love. They were spoken with a vehemence that sprang from a longer, deeper hatred than one night’s mistake. The words showed him her true feelings. He could just picture her father saying them. Multiply her father by thousands more who felt the same way, and the whole country was headed for deep trouble.
He wanted to reach out for her, but for the moment he knew she did not want him to touch her. “You just said it in your own words, Audra. I don’t want to be married to you for three or four years and then hear those words come out of your mouth with such venom.” He watched her shoulders shake in weeping, and his heart ached for her. “Audra, if the southern states start seceding, I will do whatever our government thinks is required to preserve the Union, and to end slavery. I don’t think you realize how grave the situation has become. If this country ends up in war, I’ll be a part of it, and I sure as hell won’t be fighting for the South. What would I do then, with a true southern rebel for a wife?”
“War!” She whirled, tears streaming down her face. “For heaven’s sake, Lee, you don’t really think it would come to war! That is ridiculous!”
“Is it? You’d damn well better realize it could come to that. Your father shelters you from what is going on in the world, Audra, but I live with it every day. In case you haven’t heard, the whole damn country is coming apart, and this sure as hell is not the time for two people who stand so firmly on different sides to be falling in love!”
“Well, I guess love just doesn’t know about those things, does it?” She wiped at her tears. “Go on back to New York, Lee. I fully understand what you are telling me. I belong with someone like Richard Potter, after all, a true southern gentleman who understands my way of life!”
She saw the pain in his eyes, but anger quickly replaced it. He stood up. “Yes, I suppose you’re right,” he said, his voice calm and cool. “In the long run, you would be happiest. You and Richard will someday run the biggest plantation in the South, but by then there may not be a South as you know it today!”
She frowned, feeling a creeping fear. “What do you mean by that?”
He closed his eyes and sighed. “I hope you never find out, Audra. I hope neither one of us does.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean for our conversation to take this turn.” He stepped closer. “Audra, it’s killing me to let you go. It’s just that it’s easier this way than for either of us to face what is coming if we try to stay together. A small hurt now is better than a lot of real pain later.”
“And you think I’m not in real pain now?”
He reached out to take her hand, but she pulled it away. He sighed deeply, hating himself for hurting her. “Once you get home, back to Brennan Manor, you’ll know I was right. You’ll know where you belong.”
“I don’t want you to be right,” she sobbed, wiping wildly at her tears then, furious that anger always made her cry.
“I know,” he answered, “and I wish someone could show us it could work. But you’re young. The pain will go away, and you’ll forget last night, or at least think of it as one little summer fling when youth and passion made you forget your senses.”
Her whole body shook in renewed rage. “And what made you forget your senses, Lee Jeffreys? The chance to take advantage of that youth and passion? The chance to touch me sinfully? To steal a kiss?”
“You know better.”
“Do I?” Her green, tear-filled eyes moved over him scathingly. “I should hate you. I do hate you! Go on back to New York and your Yankee ways. Just see how far you get trying to change us and our ways! You think you’re so righteous and good, but men like your father treat their people no better than slaves, sometimes worse!” She tossed her head and moved past him. “And if there is a war, we will just see who wins it!”
She stormed up the pathway to the house. Lee had not intended for their conversation to end like this, but then how could he expect it to be any other way? She had a great pride, and he had hurt it deeply.
“Yes,” he muttered, feeling sick inside. “We will just see who wins it.” Already a literal war was raging in Kansas Territory, so much so that people were beginning to call it Bleeding Kansas. How long before the bitter fighting spread? Before leaving New York, he’d heard talk of a fanatic abolitionist by the name of John Brown who was gathering Negroes together to create a “country” of their own in the Appalachian Mountains. Men in Congress were getting into fistfights over states’ rights, over how the country’s banks should be run, and over tariffs, all issues that were hurting an increasingly angry South. This was no time to be loving Audra Brennan.
He headed to the stables, ordering Tom to hitch up a buggy. “I’m going back to New York,” he told the man. “There’s a new passenger-ship service out of New Haven every day at two. I have just enough time to talk to Joey Brennan for a few minutes and say good-bye to Mother, then I’ll be ready to leave. I’ll want you to drive me there so you can bring the carriage back.”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Jeffreys. I hate to see you go.”
“Yes,” Lee answered with a sigh. “So do I, but much as I love this place, for more reasons than one I need to get the hell back to New York.” He headed for the house, looking over at the big maples that lined the driveway. This vacation had not turned out at all as he had planned. He never dreamed there would be an Audra Brennan in his life, or that a man could lose himself in a woman as he had last night with her. A sudden chill moved through him, and somehow he knew nothing at Maple Shadows or in his own life would ever be the same.
6
Audra sang an Italian song about love, pouring her heart and soul into the music. During lessons Anna Jeffreys had commented on how much more passion she put into her singing now, and she wondered if the woman had any idea it was because she was thinking about Lee. She wanted to hate him, but it had been impossible.
It was already September, and her father would be coming soon. Lee had been gone over two months, and she would be going home, never to see her summer love again. Tonight at Maple Shadows she performed her last solo concert for friends and neighbors from Mulberry Point. Summer was ended. Maple Shadows would be closed up soon, and she would go back to Louisiana with bittersweet memories.
Among those who watched and listened were Lee’s father and two brothers and their wives. When they had first come for their visit, Audra had felt even greater yearning to see Lee again, for his brothers looked very much like him, except for their dark eyes. Edmund Jeffreys was a tall, well-built man, very gracious but also arrogant. To Audra he appeared cold, except wit
h his wife, to whom he was quite attentive, although his commanding nature told her Anna was expected to do his bidding.
The arrival of the rest of the family had brought back Audra’s homesickness. Edmund was not at all pleased that Audra had a Negro slave with her, and he had lectured her more than once on the folly of her way of life. They were not gentle talks like the ones Lee had with her; it was more like preaching about sins, and the man had stirred Audra’s defenses. Here was a true Yankee, the kind of Yankee her father would consider his worst enemy.
Even Lee’s brothers and their wives had been rude, and she was not allowed to play with Carl’s children, as though she might somehow contaminate them with her beliefs. Never had she been this lonely. She was more than ready to go home, but Anna had insisted on one last concert, and she realized that her singing was the one thing that could bring them all together in harmony. This was something she could share with everyone, no matter what differences they might have. Anna had told her that music was a universal way to bring all ages and races and beliefs together. Back home her father often allowed the house slaves and even some of those from the fields to come and listen to her sing. In those times it was as though they were all equal, and she enjoyed giving them the pleasure of her voice.
She finished her last song of the evening, and everyone rose and clapped. She curtseyed, and Anna Jeffreys took her hand. Even Edmund and Carl and David looked genuinely impressed. Anna’s hand tightened over her own, and at first Audra thought it was just a reassuring squeeze, but seconds later people stopped clapping, and their faces took on a look of shock and tragedy. Anna Jeffreys began tugging oddly at Audra’s hand then, and Audra turned to see the woman slump to the floor.
“Mrs. Jeffreys!” Audra leaned over her, but instantly Edmund Jeffreys was there, shoving Audra aside with such force that she nearly fell over. People began to whisper and mumble as Carl and David joined their father at Anna’s side, David shoving the piano bench out of the way.
“It’s those damn headaches!” Carl was saying. “There’s something really wrong, Father. It’s a hell of a lot more than nerves.”
“Someone send for Dr. Kelsey,” a man from the crowd shouted.
“He’s delivering a baby,” another answered. “That’s why he couldn’t make it tonight.”
Audra, shaken and frightened, hurried through the crowd to Joey’s side. She saw the fear in his eyes, and she took his arm, leading him into the hallway, where Toosie stood nearby. “What is it, Miss Audra?”
“Oh, Toosie,” Audra whispered. The crowd had quieted, and Edmund Jeffreys groaned his wife’s name as though in terrible pain. Carl rose, his face ashen. “It’s too late for a doctor,” he said, his voice quivering. “My mother is dead.”
People gasped, and a wave of shock and grief engulfed Audra. She ran down the hallway and out to the gardens. How could such a thing happen so quickly? Moments earlier Anna Jeffreys had been playing the piano with more vigor and beauty than she had ever heard her play. In the next moment death had snatched her away, just as it had her own mother.
Lee! He would be crushed. It would be even worse for him because he would feel he should have been here with Anna when it happened.
Somewhere near the house she heard a woman weeping, and she could hear Edmund Jeffreys groaning his wife’s name. A flock of sea gulls flew in and landed nearby, and the air was filled with their piercing cries, as though even the birds were suddenly in mourning. The scent of roses filled the air, borne by a gentle breeze that carried their lovely smell from the many bushes that bloomed throughout the grounds. Anna Jeffreys had so loved flowers.
Lee, my love,
Just as the sun shines
And the ocean wind blows wet and wild,
I love you as a woman loves,
But you see me as a child.
Audra studied the song she had secretly written for Lee before she had ever voiced her love for him, before that magical night on the beach when, as far as she was concerned, he had changed her from child to woman. She had always meant to show it to him, sing it for him, but she’d never had the courage. She certainly couldn’t do so now, but the song would always be special to her, the words forever true.
Lee, my love,
When I am with you
I never want the days to end.
I love you more than life itself,
Yet to you I’m just a friend.
Lee, my love,
You stand before me
Tall and strong, your eyes so blue,
I long to feel your arms around me,
To hear the words, I love you.
Lee, my love,
We walk together,
We feel the sand and smell the sea.
I know we live in different worlds.
A life together can never be.
Not even Joey knew about the song. She had even begun composing music to accompany the words, and she started to hum it softly when she heard a carriage clatter up to the front of the house. She quickly folded the papers and slipped them into a pocket of the lambswool sweater she wore today against the cool air. Autumn was coming early to New England, so people said, and she thought how it certainly had come early to the hearts of the Jeffreys men.
She knew that Lee should arrive today, so she had walked around the balcony to the front of the house to watch for him. She had not expected to see him again, certainly not under these horrible circumstances. All her animosity toward him over their encounter before he left had vanished. The fact remained that she still loved him, and her heart ached at the thought of how devastated he must be over his mother’s death.
How many times had she wished over the past three months that Anna Jeffreys was her own mother? The woman held a genuine concern for everyone she knew, and her love for her family had caused her to give up her career. Lee had been the “favorite son,” the child closest to her heart.
For the past four nights she had been unable to sleep. Whenever she managed to doze off, the nightmare returned to jerk her awake again. In the dream she was holding Anna Jeffreys’s hand. The woman was hanging over a black pit, staring up at her, begging her not to let go; but always she slipped away, screaming Audra’s name as she fell into the black hole and disappeared. The dream would awaken Audra in a cold sweat, and she had spent the past nights wrapped in a blanket and sitting out on the balcony most of the time, watching the stars, listening to the waves on the beach, weeping.
Each morning she was sure she had no tears left, but they always returned, her loneliness over Mrs. Jeffreys’s death made worse by the fact that the rest of the family acted as though Audra didn’t even exist. She had gone down to the parlor just once to view the woman’s body, laid out in a casket and ready for the funeral services that would take place tomorrow.
Thank God Lee had made it home in time. The family had waited longer than they would have liked so that the youngest son could be present. Finally he had arrived. Audra watched him climb out of the carriage. Wearing a black suit and overcoat, he looked even handsomer than she had remembered. As he hurried inside, she wondered if he realized she was still here, if he even cared. If not for Anna’s death, she would probably never have seen him again. Now her worst fear was that Lee would somehow blame her for some of this. If not for her, he might have stayed longer, gotten to see more of his mother before she died. It must make him sick to think he could have had more time with her.
What a disaster this summer had been. She was glad that her father would be arriving soon. She could leave this place that had given her such a mixture of good and bad memories. Home! She could go home at last. Maybe there her heart could heal. Maybe once there was a good thousand miles between her and Lee Jeffreys, she would finally get over her love for him, for she knew she had no choice.
She moved to one of the patio chairs and sat down, thinking how, if nothing else, she had certainly grown up this summer. Joey came around the balcony then from his own room, and Audra noticed his eyes were red a
nd swollen. Anna’s death had been a traumatic event for both of them, especially hard for Joey, whose heart was tender and easily broken, and who had a terrible fear of death since losing his mother at such an early age. He often talked of his fear of losing his sister, too. Anna’s collapse had only reminded him how quickly a loved one could be snatched away.
“Lee is here,” he told her.
“I know. I saw him arrive.” She had never told Joey of her feelings for Lee, although he probably suspected. There was no sense in building his hopes. He had grown to love Lee, and she suspected he would like nothing better than to see her marry the man; but how did you explain to a fourteen-year-old boy, whose spirit and emotions were even younger, the reasons why two people should or should not marry?
“He went right into the parlor and b-broke down. I was going to say hello to him, b-but I didn’t. I wish he didn’t have to come b-back just for this. I’ve missed him, b-b-but he won’t want to go hunting or anything now.”
“No, Joey, he won’t. He’s probably just here for the funeral and will have to go right back.”
“I’m g-going to write him after I g-get home. He said I could.”
Audra touched his hand. “I think that’s a good idea. Lee is the kind of man who will always be your friend, Joey. He’s a good man, even though he is a Yankee and against our way of life.”
Joey sighed and ran a hand through his red hair. “I wish he wasn’t. I b-b-bet he would even come and visit if we d-didn’t live on a plantation. Sometimes I wish we d-didn’t even have it.”
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