“I’m sorry about Joey,” he answered. “More sorry than you’ll ever know.”
“I told myself…I should hate you because of it, but now I know you shouldn’t…feel responsible for what some other Yankee soldier did. It was war, Lee. War makes men do terrible things. I know that firsthand.”
You shouldn’t feel responsible for what some other Yankee soldier did. He had to change the subject or go crazy. “Audra, I looked for you right away, right after I got mustered out of the army, which was just a couple of months after Lee surrendered. When I was leaving the land office at Baton Rouge, a gang of young rebel thugs attacked me, clobbered me in the back of the head with a brick and beat me almost to death.”
“Lee!” He still held her hand, and although she hated to admit it, the feel of his strength was comforting. In only minutes this stranger was becoming just Lee again, her friend above all else. She knew he’d meant it about giving her whatever money she would have needed and helping her keep Brennan Manor. After the way she had treated him that terrible morning in Baton Rouge, she was surprised he had bothered to find her at all. She had never forgotten the helpless look in those blue eyes when she told him she never wanted to see him again, yet here he was, and he had apparently gone through hell to find her. “How bad was it? That was two years ago.”
“The doctor in Baton Rouge found out who I was, and he contacted my brother Carl. Carl came for me, took me by train up to Maple Shadows. I was only partially conscious, stayed that way for almost a year. My eyes would open, and I could eat and drink, but only by someone else’s hand. They tell me I didn’t speak or move all that time. By the time I came around to full consciousness, I was practically a skeleton, pretty near death from not being able to get enough nourishment. Carl and his wife and David’s widow nursed me back to health.”
“David’s widow? Your brother was killed?”
He rubbed at the back of her hand with his thumb. “Yeah. I don’t think there are many people left who didn’t lose someone they loved in that war.”
“I’m sorry, Lee.”
He sighed, finally letting go of her hand. “Well, at least she met another man who is very good to her. She’s remarried now.” He leaned back in the chair. “Mind if I smoke?”
“No.” She watched him take a thin cigar from his shirt pocket. He took the chimney from a lamp near the bed and leaned over to light the smoke, then replaced the chimney. Although he was thinner, it was a lean, muscular kind of thin, a man who was stronger again. There were harder lines about his face now, a face that told of a man who had seen horror and experienced it himself. He puffed on the cigar a moment before continuing.
“It took me months to learn to walk again, get my strength back to where I could leave for Kansas.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “That’s all that kept me going, Audra, knowing I had to come here and find you. Once I reached Kansas, it was just a matter of asking questions. I went to Fort Riley, and the commander there knew you.” He grinned. “Once he told me the name of this settlement, I knew no one else but my Audra could be the white woman who helped build it.”
My Audra. He had said it so naturally, as though the last time they had seen each other was only yesterday. Was that how he still thought of her, as belonging to him? Maybe she did. Maybe she had never stopped belonging to him all these seven years since she first met him. “I’m so sorry, Lee, for what you’ve suffered. It’s been terrible…for both of us, and it’s all different now…isn’t it? Nothing can ever be…the same for us. You probably should not have bothered to come here.”
He watched her eyes, and he didn’t believe her. He was betting Toosie knew her better than anyone, and Toosie believed this woman still loved him. A trace of that old southern pride was rearing its ugly head again. She wasn’t going to admit right away to any feelings for him other than an old friendship, and, after all, they were practically strangers now, weren’t they? Where did he get off thinking they could be anything more after all these years? And what was the sense of even trying? Once he told her the truth about Joey, that would be the end of any feelings she might still have for him. He wanted to tell her he still loved her, but it seemed foolish at this point.
“I had to come. I couldn’t leave things the way they were in Baton Rouge, Audra. I couldn’t end this war in my own heart and mind without finding you, seeing you again, making sure you were all right. I had to do that much. I have to know we’re at least still friends, that you don’t still think of me as the enemy. I was never your enemy, Audra. I never wanted you to suffer, but when a man has certain convictions, he has to act on them. I was helpless to stop what happened at Baton Rouge, or any of the rest of it. If I could have found a way to single-handedly end that war, I would have done it. And if I could have stayed in Baton Rouge and helped you, I would have done that, too, even though you didn’t want me there; but I got my orders to leave, and I had to go.”
“I know. I understand.” She put a hand to her ribs. “A person suffers just so much…and then he or she realizes…there is no one to blame. Things happen that are out of our control, and we are left…to go on, to survive as best we can. I never thought I could find the strength or courage to face what I have faced…or that I could love the Negroes as I love these people who have been so good to me. After all the years I thought of them as beneath me…they saved my life and…took me into their homes and hearts. In some respects the war taught me a lot, Lee, about what is really important. Friends and faith…that is what is important.” She reached out and he took her hand again. “I have told myself all these years that I should hate you, but seeing you again, knowing what you have suffered yourself…and realizing no one is to blame for any of this, the war itself is to blame…I must tell you I don’t find fault with you, Lee. What you went through to find me tells me you are still my good friend, if nothing more. I am glad you came. I think you are right. The war…would have been unfinished if we had not seen each other again.”
He studied her hand, astounded by how dark and rough it was, the creases of her fingers and the cuticles around her nails stained from months of working in the soil. These were not Audra Brennan’s hands, but they were even more beautiful because of the generous sacrifices she had made, giving of herself to help others. If there was some way they could find love again, he would marry her and take her away from here, restore for her the life she’d been born to, find a specialist who might help her rebuild her voice. She should be wearing jewels, her skin soft and white, her hair done up in lovely curls. She should be dancing at balls and going to the theater. She should be Mrs. Lee Jeffreys, wife of a prominent attorney. It was a nice dream.
He took another puff on the cigar, then looked around for an ashtray. Audra smiled. “This is…my room. Toosie and Elijah sleep upstairs. I have not yet…taken to smoking a pipe…or cigars.”
Lee grinned then himself, surprised at the hint of a sense of humor in the midst of her pain. This was indeed a changed Audra, more courageous than he had imagined she could be.
“Use that tin drinking cup on the little table there,” she told him, indicating the same small table that held the lamp.
Lee reached over and set the cigar in the tin cup, then leaned closer to her. “Tell me about these outlaws. How bad are you hurt?”
She moved slightly, wincing with the pain. “It’s my ribs. The one who attacked me…slammed me against a table. Every movement…every breath hurts.”
How he loved the sound of that familiar drawl, but the voice was no longer the lilting, musical voice of the once-wealthy and pampered Audra Brennan. “Toosie says you beat the hell out of him.”
She closed her eyes. “I’m not proud of it…but I had no choice at the time. My rifle had jammed on me. I hardly remember myself how it happened. Elijah managed to wrestle the man off me, and I picked up my father’s rifle and…started hitting him with it. Everything is kind of blank after that. I think my rage took over so that I was not even myself. I don’t
even remember…his face.” Her eyes teared. “All I could think about was all the other things…March Fredericks, Brennan Manor, losing my voice and nearly dying, Aunt Janine, Baton Rouge, all of it…especially Joey. I thought about Joey, and I needed to kill someone. I just pretended he was the man who had shot him…and I couldn’t stop hitting him.”
Lee suddenly felt almost sick. I’m the one you should have beat on, he thought. He drew in his breath and got up, unable even to look at her for a moment. He took up the cigar again and walked to a window, looking out at some Negroes recovering what they could of one trampled cornfield. “Toosie and the others think the outlaws will come back.”
“They will. We’re sure of it. They’ll be hopping mad because some of our Negroes…fought back and killed a few of them. I don’t think any of them even owns land around here. They’re just no-goods from the South…full of hate over the war…blaming the Negroes for all of it. They’re the kind that will always hate Negroes and don’t want to see them succeed at anything. The next time it will be worse. This time…they just damaged our crops and stole our cattle, burned a couple of buildings. There are other Negro refugees here, from other towns these men have attacked…and they tell of rapes and brutal whippings and murders. It will…get worse.”
Lee turned to her, the cigar still between his teeth. “Not if I have anything to do with it.”
“Lee, you’re just one man—”
“I left the army a brigadier general. I’ve trained troops for years, and I can train those Negroes out there.” He took the cigar from his mouth and moved closer again. “I’ll teach them how to shoot, how to outsmart their enemy. This is no different from the war, Audra, and I’m not leaving here until I know Brennan, Kansas, is safe. It’s the least I can do.”
Her eyes teared at the thought that maybe something could be done. They had all prayed fervently for a miracle. Was Lee Jeffreys their miracle? Who better to train the Negro men how to fight than a brigadier general, even if he was from the Union Army?
“One thing I have plenty of is money,” he was saying. “I’m going to Abilene and see about buying additional rifles, good repeaters, not the old muzzle-loaders Elijah tells me half these men are using. I can equip them right, Audra. And I’m also going to buy some cattle in Abilene. I’ll take some of these men with me, and we’ll herd some cattle back here so they can start rebuilding the herd they’ve lost. Toosie told me how important those cattle were, what with the railroad running all the way to Abilene now. Getting into the cattle business was a good idea.” He leaned closer and grasped the wooden headrail of the bed. “We aren’t going to let the outlaws win this one. The next time they come back, we’ll be ready for them.”
So close. Leaning over her as he was, her lying in a bed, brought back memories Audra thought she had managed to bury a long time ago. How strange to know that this near stranger had made love to her so intimately, and with such passion. He still wanted her that way. She could see it in his eyes, and it stirred something in her she had not felt in years. That was wrong now, wasn’t it? All of that was behind them, and it was senseless to dredge it up again. “What will you do when it’s all over…and you leave here?” she asked, trying to hint that that was what he should do. She could see the questions in his eyes, knew instinctively he was thinking it might be nice to take her with him when he left.
“I don’t know,” he answered, straightening again. “Maybe go to Denver. They must need good lawyers there.” I might never leave here, he thought. Once you know the truth about Joey, I might be buried here. If you shot me, Audra, I’d never blame you for it. I’d gladly stand and let you do it.
“What about New York? Maple Shadows? Don’t you want to go back home?”
He put the chair back in place. “It’s all different now. Too many painful memories. I need to go on to something new, kind of like why you came to Kansas.”
He turned to look at her, and she could see the truth in his eyes. The painful memories involved her, and that summer they shared at Maple Shadows. She missed the place herself, had dared to dream sometimes about being there again, pretending the past had never happened. But that was impossible. “I don’t know what to say, Lee, how to thank you…for wanting to help…for even coming here to find me in the first place. After what I said in Baton Rouge, I thought you had decided never to bother. I even thought…maybe you had married by now.”
He studied the green eyes that had haunted him for seven years. Was there a reason she had asked that question? “After what happened to me, there certainly was no time or occasion to be thinking about other women.” Besides, how could I ever give thought to loving anyone but you? He thought she surely had read his thoughts, for she suddenly looked away, her cheeks flushing slightly. “Toosie told me the white preacher who’s come here to live is interested in you,” he added. A fierce jealousy had surprised him when Toosie told him that. He hadn’t even seen Audra yet, but after all these years, the thought of her ever being with some other man grated at his very bones.
“It’s nothing,” she answered. “He has shown an interest…that’s all.” She still did not meet his eyes. “There has been no official courting or anything…like that.” She finally met his eyes again. How could I ever love again, Lee, after loving you? How could I ever again find that passion with another man? “Reverend Bishop is a nice man…a widower from the war.” She touched her scar again, her throat starting to get sore from talking. “He’s from Kentucky. I really don’t think of him as anything but a friend…someone the community needs. He helped us build a little church.” She finally looked up at him again. “Faith is just about all that has kept us going…and it’s been nice having a real preacher to give sermons and help us pray, and no one minds when I pray with my rosary beads. They know I am Catholic, but religion doesn’t seem to matter out here. We all pray…to the same God, and we all have the same prayer…just to be left alone to live in peace and be safe. It’s been a long time since we have had those things. We’re all tired, Lee…just tired.”
He crushed out his cigar in the tin cup and leaned closer, giving her a look of reassurance. “Well, things are going to get better, I promise. You will find peace and be left alone. I’m going to make sure of it, just as I made sure Richard Potter quit abusing you.” Their eyes held on the remark, and he knew she was remembering just as he was, that sweet, gentle night he had made love to her at Brennan Manor. “Seems like all I’ve ever been able to do is come in after the fact and protect you,” he told her. “You always had to suffer first, because I wasn’t there when I should have been. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that, Audra, but this time I’m going to make damn sure nothing bad ever happens to you again. I’m not leaving here until the situation with the outlaws is settled, and I’m going to talk to that commander at Fort Riley and make him keep a better watch on Brennan. I’ll stay as long as necessary to make sure you’re safe.”
She smiled. Oh, how wonderful it would be to rest in his arms again, to give it all over to someone else, to let someone else be strong instead of having to do it all herself. But she didn’t dare let this man hold her, for it might reawaken all the things better left asleep. She was almost grateful that right now she was in too much pain for him even to think about pulling her into his arms.
“Lee, I don’t blame you for the times you weren’t there. I told you that…it’s both our faults. I was stubborn and determined…and proud. I’m as much to blame. Please don’t say you can’t forgive yourself. I forgive you, and…I need you to forgive me…for being just as responsible for some of the pain you suffered. So many times you offered to love me and keep me by your side…but I refused.”
You don’t know what you really need to forgive, he thought. If only it was this simple. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, wanting to taste her lips again. God, how tempting it was! But this was all new for them, and everything had changed. He’d killed her brother. “You get some rest,” he told her. “Elijah said I cou
ld camp in the shed out back, so I’ll be nearby if those men come back sooner than we think. Tomorrow I’m calling a meeting of all the men and we’re going to get organized, go to Abilene and get the guns and cattle and get back here as fast as we can. Then I’m going to shape these men up into regular soldiers, as good or better than any army regiment.”
Her eyes teared with gratefulness, and she thought how ironic it was that he would be fighting rebels again, only she and the Negroes would be helping him. “Thank you, Lee. Please be careful…I would hate to see something happen to you now after all you have been through…and getting through that whole war without being hurt. It’s too bad you were nearly killed by civilians…after getting through all those battles unscathed. Everything about this war has been ironic, hasn’t it? So many twists…friends becoming enemies…enemies becoming friends. In the end I don’t think anyone even knew why they were fighting anymore. That’s the…saddest part of all.” She rubbed at her throat. “I need some water.”
Lee quickly poured her a glass from a pitcher on the nearby table. He leaned over and helped her raise her head, putting the glass to her lips. She swallowed some and he set the glass aside, noticing her rub at her throat again, as she had done several times. “Does it hurt to talk?”
“Yes. For a long time I couldn’t talk at all…but I remembered some of the things your mother taught me about strengthening my voice…and it helped.”
He noticed her voice getting weaker and raspier. Now she was forcing the words. “Audra, when we get this problem with the outlaws straightened out, I’m going to Denver or wherever I need to go to find a doctor who might be able to help you. I’ll wire all the way back to New York, if necessary, pay whatever it costs to get a specialist out here if I can’t find a good one close enough.”
Tender Betrayal Page 47