by Tucker, RH
“Got any plans tonight?” Ian asks as I start washing the pans.
“Not really. Not unless a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough counts as plans.”
“Come on, it’s New Year’s Eve.”
I nod, drying my hands. “Tara’s coming over. I think we’re just going to hang out.”
It quickly crosses my mind to maybe invite him over. Sure, it’s not the most fun thing someone can do for New Year’s Eve, but maybe he doesn’t have any plans. I wonder if I just push through my lingering feelings, I could start to like him. I shake my head at myself. I don’t know if rude is the right word to use, but that’s probably not the best way to start something with someone—going out with them until I begin to feel something for them.
Before I can even bring up the offer though, his phone goes off. “Idiot,” he grumbles lowly to himself.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing, just my friend. He goes to school with this girl and is telling me they’re going to a party tonight and wants me to join him, his girlfriend, and that girl. And he said she definitely wants to have fun tonight.”
“Oh.”
A silence drops between us, and for the first time since our date, it’s an awkward silence. I bite my bottom lip.
“Sorry, that was probably inappropriate.”
“No,” I reply, laughing it off. “It’s all good. That sounds like fun, I hope you have a good time.”
“Hey, I know I haven’t really brought it up, but if you want to talk, I’m still here. I just didn’t want to make it weird or whatever. But … I don’t know, I can still be here as a friend, Sash.”
Nodding again, I smile up at him. “I know, thanks. I’m good.” He peaks an unconvinced eyebrow. “Seriously, I’m fine. Thank you though. For everything.”
“All right.” He turns around, heading to the lockers, glancing back over his shoulder. “You said chocolate chip cookie dough, right?” I nod. “Cool. Try sprinkling some cinnamon over it. Delicious.”
His return to a relaxed nature brings a laugh out of me. “Will do.”
When I get home, I find Felicia more excited than usual. Kicking off my shoes, I grab my blanket from my bed, throwing it over the couch, and then head to the kitchen. Grabbing a Dr. Pepper, I turn around to find Felicia smiling.
“Yes?”
“So …” Her smile morphs into a clenched tooth cringe, wrapping her fingers together. “Would you hate me if I bailed on you and Tara tonight?”
It isn’t like this is a tradition or anything. Last year we all hung out at a party one of Tara’s friends were having, and the year before that Felicia and I had a trip with our mom. I’m not put out by her wanting to leave, but knowing she’s probably going to be out having fun while I’m at home trying not to think about Taylor, puts me in a sour mood.
“I guess.”
“Oh, don’t be mad at me.” She wraps her arms around me, squeezing.
“I’m not. It’ll be fine just Tara and me.”
“It’s just that a friend from work is throwing a party and I kind of want to go, but I know you were just going to be here and probably didn’t want to go out, even though I think you should, but there’s this cute guy in the office and—”
“Stop,” I say, cutting off her rambling. Laughing, I push her away. “It’s fine, Licia. Go, go.”
“Thank you!” She gives me a squeeze before skipping away, and I head to the couch, turning on the TV.
Scrolling through Netflix, I skip over a bunch of romcoms, before deciding on what we’re watching tonight.
“Hey,” Tara calls out, walking in.
“Hey,” I reply.
“Bye,” Felicia says, shutting the door as she leaves.
“Where’s she going?” Tara asks, sitting next to me.
“Office party.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t try to drag you out with her.”
I shrug off her comment, reaching for a bag of chips. I haven’t broken out the ice cream yet. “She was hassling me yesterday about trying to do something tonight, but I’m not budging. I just want to veg out all night on Doritos, Dr. Pepper, and ice cream.”
“Sounds good to me.” She smiles, reaching for a handful of Cool Ranch Doritos. “So, I’ve been debating asking you something, though it might be a good thing.”
Giving her a side-eye look, I point my chip at her. “If it might be a good thing, why would you debate it?”
“Well, it might also mean it’s a bad thing, too.”
“Tara, I don’t want to solve any riddles tonight. We’ve got our munchies, and I’ve decided on a Channing Tatum shirtless movie marathon. We’re starting with Fighting. Not much of a story, but we get what we want.” She laughs. “Then it’s on to Dear John, for the feels and the bare beach chest.” I wiggle my brows. “And we top off the night with, of course, Magic Mike. No explanation needed.”
Still giggling, she pulls out her phone. “Okay, sounds like a plan to me. And since you seem to be in good spirits, I was just going to ask if you’d seen Insta recently?”
“No, I’ve actually been avoiding it for a few days. Why?” She pauses, looking away. “Ah, man. Tara, I could’ve gone this whole night without you bringing him up. We haven’t talked in forever, other than his lame Christmas text. Why would I want to see his posts?”
“Well, just look.”
She shoves the phone at me. I roll my eyes and take it, staring at the screen. He’s lying back on a couch, relaxed, with a little girl, maybe four or five, sleeping on his arm. Offering that warm smile that I usually only saw in our quiet moments. However, it’s his caption that gets to me.
“Who’d have thought this time last year I’d be perfectly fine finishing a night like this?” I read it aloud. “Only one person would make this better. Dot, dot, dot.” Looking back up at Tara, she wears an unsure expression. “What does that even mean?”
She shrugs, and I continue the dialogue internally with myself since I haven’t told Tara or Felicia about Reese. That’s something I might’ve shared in the future if it was okay with Taylor, but it’s his secret.
Still, what does that mean? Only one person? Who is he talking about? Reese? Me?
“Do you think he means you?” Tara asks. “He couldn’t mean that girl we saw him with, right?”
“Oh, you mean Celery McGiggles?”
“What?” she asks, blurting out laughter.
I shake my head—partly at my lame joke, somewhat at myself for getting worked up over this. “Nothing. It’s just what I’ve been calling her. I was going to go with stupid-face, but that’s not really fair to her. I don’t even know her. He’s the a-hole who couldn’t even bother to send me a text message before he went out with her.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I wave her off and start the first movie of the night, still with my mind wandering.
Chapter 32
Taylor
A soft metal tapping wakes me up in the morning. Cracking my eyes open, I have to do a double take, looking down at my side to find Ashley sleeping next to me. Then I see I’m still lying on the couch with a blanket over us. The soft tapping continues, and I look over toward the kitchen and see Ethan swirling a spoon in a coffee mug. Looking up, he catches my eye and nods.
Crawling off of the couch, I wrap the blanket around Ashley and head to the kitchen, wiping the sleep from my eyes.
“Hey,” I groggily let out, heading toward the fridge.
“Morning. Thanks for last night. Again.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
“I can’t believe you were cool with babysitting for me again, on New Year’s Eve no less.”
I shrug. “Have a good night?”
Holding back a grin, he smirks. “Yeah, not too bad.”
“Cool. Thanks for the blanket. I guess we fell asleep after Tangled.” I chuckle, grabbing a bottle of water.
“No problem.” He takes a sip of his coffee, holding up a finger. “I will say, though, a
nd I didn’t think I’d have to broach this topic, but I guess I have to.” His serious tone causes me to pause, and his gaze locks onto mine. “There’s no dating my daughter.”
“Very funny.” I roll my eyes, and he lets out a laugh.
“I might have to pry her off of you eventually. I really do think she’s in love with you.”
I smirk, glancing back over at her asleep on the couch. “She’s a good kid. You guys doing anything today?”
“Yeah. I told her we’d visit the snow up at Big Bear Lake. We’re gonna leave in maybe an hour. Want to join?”
Spinning the cap of the water bottle between my fingers, I bite the inside of my cheek. Before falling asleep last night, I thought of Sasha again. Everything that’s happened this last month, I was happy it was a good thought. It wasn’t what I’ve had in the past, wondering how I can be with her with lingering feelings for Reese. It wasn’t of being afraid for feeling something that strong for someone else. It was hoping she was having a good night.
Other than sending her the text message on Christmas, I still haven’t talked to her. I’d like to say I’ve been giving her space, but she’s not the one that needed it. I am, and she’s the one who told me. Since visiting Reese on the anniversary, I’ve known what I needed to do. It’s why I’ve tried to knock the dust off the proverbial boots and get back on track. But the thing that’s continued to bother me is not having Sasha around.
I’ve been fighting those feelings for so long, that now that I’m trying to embrace them, I realize just how much I really do love her. Before it was complicated by the fact that I didn’t think I should feel that way. Now, it’s the fact that I don’t know if I’ve already lost my chance.
Sending my hope out into the universe was the reason I posted that picture. I’d like to think she’s out there, keeping tabs on me, and maybe she saw it. But even if she didn’t, and even if she’s not keeping tabs on me and she’s leaving me behind, I can’t do that yet. It might be selfish, but I still want her, and I know I have to make a move and show her I’m trying to be the guy she wants me to be. Not because she wants it, but because I want it.
Waiting for my answer, I look over at him. “No thanks. I’ve got to try and get things right with Sasha.”
He nods. “How’s that been going? I haven’t heard much on that front.”
“Yeah.” I shake my head, almost laughing at myself. “That’s because there hasn’t been much on that front. She’s given me space to get my crap figured out, but I might have pushed more space in there and pushed her away.”
“If you don’t mind, what happened there? You never really talked much about it, or her.”
Taking a deep breath, I run my thumb over the ridge of the water bottle cap. “It’s a long story.”
“All right.” He nods and knows I won’t say any more. Normally I wouldn’t. But that’s not who I want to be anymore. Not that I’ll tell my business to anyone, but Ethan isn’t just anyone anymore.
“I had a girlfriend back in high school,” I start. He stands off to the side, waiting for me to continue. “We were in a car crash and she died. And … she was pregnant.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. For a long time, I blocked away that part of me from others. The part of me that let them know the real me or let me love someone else. And then …” I shake my head at myself. “Then Sasha came around. I might’ve screwed it up, but I hope not.”
Just as he gives me an understanding nod, Ashley slogs into the kitchen, dragging the blanket behind her. “Daddy, we’re still going to the snow, right?”
Kneeling next to her, he moves her sleepyhead hair out of her face. “Yeah, baby. Go pick out your clothes, and we’ll grab some hot chocolate for the drive.”
“Okay.” She smiles, still fighting with her eyes to stay open. Looking over at me, she yawns. “Taylor, you want to come to the snow?”
“Aw, thanks, munchkin, but I can’t today.” She frowns, so I’m quick to add a recompense. “How about when you get back, I’ll have pizza ready for you? Deal?”
Thinking it over, she looks up at her dad, who nods with a slight smirk. “Okay,” she agrees.
* * *
After pulling into the parking lot of Sasha’s apartment complex, I wait on my bike, staring over at their door. I know what I need to do, and I want to, but I’m still nervous. With my words to Ethan continuously buzzing in my head, I can’t help but wonder if I messed this up already. I guess it’s time to find out.
I head over to their door and knock. As I wait for a reply, I feel my heartbeat pounding.
“Loverboy’s at the door!” I hear a muffled voice that sounds like Tara call out.
Loverboy?
“Thanks, Tara,” I hear Sasha yell back. “I think our neighbors in the next building heard you.”
Opening the door, Sasha’s giggling, but it comes to a complete stop as her eyes meet mine. Even though she looks like she just woke up, she’s beautiful; her blonde hair ruffled, slightly in her face. Her jaw clenches, but my eyes float over her lips, remembering their feeling and their taste. Everything about the times we were together comes flooding back to my thoughts.
“Hey.” My voice is low, uncertainty still running through me. Then I’m hit with a gut punch.
“What do you want?” she asks, her shock wholly worn off in a matter of seconds, and now she stands in front of me, apathetic.
“Uh, happy New Year to you, too.” As she rolls her eyes, I realize my joke fell on deaf ears. “How are you?”
“I’m fine. What do you want?”
“Who is it?” Tara rushes over and stops in her tracks when she sees me. “Oh. Hey, Taylor.”
“Hey.”
Turning around, she sneaks away, leaving us alone. The silence drifts between us and I have no idea what to say to her. She’s obviously put off by me being here. I knew I might’ve messed this up, but I never thought she’d be as mad as she seems. She’s the one who told me to get my life figured out in the first place.
Footsteps behind me break my attention, and I turn around to see a guy walking over to us—my height, chocolate brown eyes, and black hair that’s short and slightly parted to the side. He’s wearing jeans and a dark blue button-up shirt as if he’s going out on a date. My eyes jump to Sasha, who looks at the guy and then back at me.
The guy looks at Sasha and then the door. “Oh, uh … this is—”
“Jake?” Sasha quickly asks. Does she not know who he is? Is this Loverboy?
“Yeah. I’m—”
“You’re early,” Sasha says, her gaze turning to meet mine, before waving him over to her. “Come inside. Have a seat.”
“Oh. Okay.”
My eyes jump back and forth, from him to her, trying to understand what’s going on. My shock’s worn off, as has my uncertainty, and now annoyance is building up. Jake—pft, Jake—walks past her, offering a friendly smile, and she lets him in and then closes the door behind him, leaving us standing in front of the door.
“Who the hell is that?” I ask, unable to hide the indignation.
“That’s none of your business.”
“Sasha, is that a date?”
“First of all, like I said, it’s none of your business. Secondly, he is a date, okay? A blind date. Tara set us up.”
“Are you kidding me?” Unable to contain myself, I throw my hands in the air.
“Me? Am I kidding you? You got a lot of nerve showing up here, acting like I’m the one in the wrong.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Sash, I’m here for you. No, screw that, I’m here because of you. You told me to get right, and that’s what I’ve been doing.”
“Ha!” She lets out an incredulous scoff. “Oh, no shit. Yeah, you’ve really been getting right.”
Running my hand through my hair in frustration, I ask, “What the hell does that mean?”
“Nothing, Taylor. Okay? It means nothing. You do you since that’s all you want to do anyway. Go have a happy
New Year with Celery McGiggles.”
“Celery who? What are you talking about?” Clenching my fists, I shake them off, trying to calm down, and figure out this entire situation. “Sasha, please. I’m sorry, okay? Let’s just discuss this. What are you talking about? Are you really …”
My words stop, not wanting to think about her being done with me. She’s the first person I’ve wanted to be with since Reese, and to think that that’s over now— No. I can’t think like that.
“What the hell is going on, Sasha?”
“Taylor, just go home.” Pinching the bridge of her nose, she shakes her head. “Look, if you’re doing better, that’s great. I did want that for you. Truly. But maybe … maybe that’s what you needed. Someone like me to get your life back on course.”
“No. What? No, that’s not what I needed. I didn’t need someone like you, I need you, Sasha. I want you.”
“You don’t.”
“How can you say that? I do.”
“Just go home.”
“Let’s just—”
“Go home, Taylor!” she says through her teeth. Crossing her arms in front of her, she stares down at the ground. “Please.”
She doesn’t lift her gaze, and suddenly I know exactly what she must’ve felt this past couple of months while I was keeping up my walls, blocking her out. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay and get in an argument and have her yell at me. Anything to get through this. But she just stands there, keeping her guard up, never meeting my eyes, and I know it’ll be fruitless.
“Fine.” Turning away, I head back to my bike, knowing I screwed everything up.
Chapter 33
Sasha
Taylor walks away, and I keep my head low until I hear his bike turn on. Finally looking up, I gaze out across the parking lot and find him staring at me. Our eyes lock for a moment, and then he shuts the visor on his helmet before driving off.