QUIZ: Are You Acting As a Diplomat or Trying to Manage Other People’s Emotions?
Empaths are often natural diplomats and negotiators because of their ability to tune in to others and understand where they are coming from. Empaths can also be good at communicating the perspective of someone else to a larger group—like to a family, a group of friends, or an office full of people. Yet empaths can confuse being a diplomat with needing to control someone else’s emotional response—or talking someone else out of their emotion or truth if it is particularly challenging to others. Additionally, empaths might become admired among loved ones or colleagues for their negotiating skills and then be called upon to act in this capacity so often that it becomes draining.
Stay aware of whether you are operating in the healthy or unhealthy territory of your empath ability with this quiz. Answer often, sometimes, or rarely to the following set of prompts.
___________ I’m always having to be the “bigger person” at home or work, and I feel like my emotions and needs are never expressed or honored.
___________ Many times it feels like the communities I’m part of are acting in ways that are less emotionally mature than me.
___________ There are people at home or work who can barely be in the same room unless I’m there to de-escalate things.
___________ If people at home or work are upset, I feel upset too until I can get them to calm down or feel better.
___________ Other people often ask “Can you talk to someone for me?”
___________ If I’m not at a work meeting or family gathering or other group activity, I fear someone may act out and I won’t be there to help.
___________ I often find myself doing damage control for the words or actions of others.
If you answered often to many of the previous prompts, you may be trying to manage other people’s energies or emotions, or acting as a shadow rescuer. Sometimes you might find that your attempt to manage the unhealthy actions or inconvenient emotions of others actually escalates matters—as well as drains you. Now answer often, sometimes, or rarely to the next set of prompts:
___________ Being the diplomat between people at home and work is one of my strengths: People recognize it, people respect me for it, and I honestly enjoy this role when I have the emotional reserves and physical energy.
___________ I feel comfortable telling two people that I don’t have time to help them negotiate with each other if I’m drained.
___________ Sometimes I think it’s best to let people make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons.
___________ Enabling people, or helping them stay in unhealthy patterns, is something I try to recognize and avoid.
___________ Even when I’m interpreting what someone else is feeling or wants to others, I make sure to express my own feelings and desires as well.
___________ Being treated with emotional maturity by others is important to me.
___________ When I need to take care of me, I stop and remind myself that I can’t help others until I help myself first.
Did you answer often to many of these prompts? If so, you are probably in a good state of balance with your natural empath ability to be a negotiator or diplomat. If you find yourself being expected to constantly manage the energies and emotions of others at home or work, you might need to consciously change the energetic dynamic. Then you can—when it’s a win for you as well as others—act as a healthy diplomat or negotiator, which can be a valuable and enjoyable skill!
Being more open to your own emotional experience by sharing and expressing it will actually help you be more open to the emotional experiences of others too. This can really improve relationships! Empaths don’t have to repress their own emotions or try to contain the emotions of others.
Call On Archangel Chamuel for Peace
Empaths can have a special connection to spirit guides, who offer emotional and energetic support as well as bring people, resources, and opportunities into your life. Angels are loving, nondenominational beings who work with people from all cultures and faiths. Spirit guides existing in the energetic realm can be substantial allies for empaths, who are particularly open to energy.
Once an empath friend and I were hanging out at a coffee shop, chatting about self-care. “If you call on Chamuel,” I explained to my friend, “that archangel will surround you like a soft, warm, fuzzy blanket and help your own energy feel more calm and content.” I reminded my friend that when empaths call on a spirit helper, they might feel an energy shift in the room. At that moment, as we sat in a quiet corner of the coffee shop, an intense energy enveloped us both. It was strong, yet very peaceful and blissful. The energy cloud stayed for a few moments, and then began to lift. “What was that?” my friend asked, her eyes wide. “That was Chamuel!” I said. “Feeling is believing!” My friend got chills all over.
As you ask for this archangel’s assistance—while you’re commuting on the train, studying for an exam, or trying to stay centered during a crisis—imagine a soft, warm, fuzzy blanket surrounding you.
Angels and other spirit guides are never a substitute for competent human assistance—just a complement to it. If anxiety is an issue for you, get the help you deserve from healthcare professionals.
Say No with Love
Compassionate empaths, who may more easily fall into people-pleasing, feel empowered to say no when they can do so in a kind way. Try the following.
1. Ask for space to think it over. This allows you to go away and think things through as well as feel which answer is right for you without being influenced by the emotions of the person asking.
2. Be careful with maybe. If maybe really feels like the authentic answer, tell them that. Just don’t use maybe only to soften the situation emotionally or buy time.
3. Practice saying a firm no. Once you’re certain about your no, briefly role-play in your mind or with someone else. This gives you a chance to anticipate possible emotional reactions in the other person so you will be more grounded in the moment. A firm no is often kinder as it avoids drawing out uncomfortable emotions in you or others.
4. Explain yourself. Offer clear reasons for why you said no, assuring others that your no is not a reflection of how you feel about them. Saying an authentic no can be an act of grace for that person.
5. Say yes in another way, if possible. Since empaths are wired to feel other people’s energies and emotions, if they can end the interaction on a positive or diplomatic note, it might simply be to their own benefit, provided the yes is authentic. This can also make your no more loving and generous. A dear friend might ask you to go on vacation to celebrate her milestone birthday, but the overseas location she suggests will be far outside your comfortable budget. You could offer to take a weekend trip together closer to home instead.
Build Your Escape Hatch from Crowds
You should not feel guilty about getting retreat-and-recover time during family reunion vacations, long work trips, or other situations where you may be around larger groups of people for extended periods. Taking nourishing time-outs isn’t rude or selfish. It’s simply a way to refresh and reset your energy.
Here are some creative ways to build your escape hatch.
• Say you want to take a nice long bath or shower after traveling. If you’re mindful of your water usage, just sit in the bathroom and read or listen to a podcast!
• Explain that you’re useless without your afternoon power nap. Then go to your room and meditate, journal, or actually nap.
• Tell others you have some work emails to catch up on, and after you quickly check them, take an extra 20 minutes to watch some funny or inspiring YouTube videos.
• Take your time getting ready to meet back up with the group. Put on some chill tunes, sing along, dance around, and slow your pace.
• Have a daily exercise routine? Grab your walking shoes or yoga mat and head out solo.
• Offer to dash out to run a quick errand for the group by yourself.
/> The more often you get healthy retreat-and-recover time in group situations, the more you will enjoy the people you’re with—and they’ll enjoy you more too, as your mood and energy will be improved! Remind yourself that enjoying the people you’re with isn’t about spending every second together like suction cups, which is very draining for empaths. Emphasize quality time over quantity time.
Summon Warrior Energy
Every empath has a strong warrior inside. You might summon this inner warrior to:
• Stand up for yourself or stand your ground with others.
• Speak your truth, no matter how it makes others feel.
• Anchor in to your own energy and perspective.
• Feel more confident, resourceful, and powerful in the world.
• Fight for the things that matter to you.
• Bounce back after a disappointment and be more resilient.
• Get through a challenging time.
• Rise to the occasion and shine.
Empath inner warriors are naturally fierce yet compassionate. Here’s a quick method for summoning your warrior energy.
1. Use your imagination to get a mental image of this warrior. Does your inner warrior look like a character from a TV show, a historical figure, or someone in pop culture?
2. Give your inner warrior a mantra, like “I peacefully stand my ground,” or “I’m stronger than I know,” or “Watch me shine!”
3. Find a theme song for your inner warrior—choose something that makes you feel confident and powerful. You might hear this song as a synchronicity in a store or on the radio when warrior energy is required.
4. Move your body with gentle or moderate exercise, or watch videos of people performing amazing physical feats—like Olympic athletes competing.
Wise warriors never go it alone, so get support when you need it.
QUIZ: How Open Is Your Throat Chakra?
Chakras are energy centers located throughout the body, and the throat chakra—which helps you express yourself authentically—is located at the front of the neck near the hollow of the collarbone. Just like your physical body, your energy body is alive and always changing. You might go through a period when your throat chakra is very open and you feel safe and comfortable expressing your needs, desires, opinions, and emotions. At a different time in your life, those same expressions might be more difficult. The throat chakra is an important energy center for empaths to nurture so they can express emotions and advocate for themselves.
To determine if your throat chakra is open and healthy at the moment, answer often, sometimes, or rarely to these prompts.
___________ There are emotions I have now, or events from the past, that I avoid because they might be overwhelming.
___________ Nobody modeled healthy emotional expression for me growing up.
___________ Expressing myself might just cause drama and I may not get what I want anyway.
___________ I’m afraid if I tell people how I’m really feeling when I’m upset that the feeling will get worse or bigger.
___________ Even when I’m really happy or wanting to celebrate, I rein myself in.
___________ I won’t share what I’m really thinking or feeling with others if it might change my relationship to them.
___________ I prefer to do a lot of my emotional processing internally.
If you answered often to many of these prompts, you might be going through a time in your life when expressing yourself has become more challenging. Now answer often, sometimes, or rarely to the next set of prompts.
___________ Right now I have people I can express myself to during tough times who are safe, healthy, and supportive.
___________ I like hearing or reading about the latest emotional healing and health theories and tools.
___________ Some days I’m better at advocating for myself than others, but it’s generally a priority for me.
___________ I have people in my life who model healthy emotional expression.
___________ If I feel overwhelmed by an emotion or memories from the past, I know I need to get support.
___________ I have favorite ways and make space to celebrate wonderful times.
___________ I’m good at processing things internally, but I also value sharing as a processing tool.
If you answered often to many of these prompts, your throat chakra is probably healthy and open right now.
Working to heal your throat chakra is especially important for empath self-care and will help you savor all the good feels too!
Connect to Heart Wisdom
Empaths have a unique ability for connecting with the energetic heart, which has its own wisdom. I like to tell clients that the energetic heart contains the soul’s memory. Heart wisdom is:
• Fair yet merciful.
• Honest yet compassionate.
• Aware that everyone and everything are interconnected.
• Tender, making you less judgmental and more forgiving or accepting of yourself and others.
Connecting to heart wisdom can give you special insight into a certain decision, situation, or person. Tap in to heart wisdom with these ideas.
1. Go away from a question for a bit and listen to music by a tenderhearted artist with heartfelt lyrics, or watch a movie where the characters show vulnerability and support each other.
2. Put your hand over your physical heart, take some deep breaths, and close your eyes. Feel the energy around your heart chakra grow, tingle, warm up, or activate. Now ask your heart what it has to say about this situation. Pay attention to any intuitive insights.
3. Connect with a loved one who is wise as well as kind and gentle. Tell them you’re trying to come up with a heartfelt way to approach another person or issue and get their altruistic advice.
4. Think back to a time in the past when your heart was overflowing with love. Put yourself back there by recalling the details, especially those related to your physical senses. As the memory of that sweet energy vibrates through you, think about the decision you want to make and see if you get insights from a new, healing angle.
Create Energy Instead of Mirroring It
We’ve already discussed the concept of mirroring energy, which can be second nature for humans and easy for empaths. Yet empaths are also naturally gifted at, and can master the art of, creating energy!
Here’s an example of how creating your own energy as opposed to mirroring another’s can look. I once had a client (we’ll call her Jane) whose partner was going through a rough patch in his career (we’ll call him Mark). Mark was questioning his job and generally pretty moody. My client, Jane, had lots of exciting creative projects at work—outside of worrying about Mark, she was doing great. Mark and Jane carpooled to work downtown every morning to save money and the environment, yet mornings were when Mark’s energy was most challenging. Jane, an empath, didn’t want to abandon the carpooling, so she used the situation as an exercise in creating energy. As Mark would drive in brooding silence, Jane would listen to the happy songs on the radio, daydream as she watched the weather out the window, and concentrate on what she was looking forward to or grateful for that day. Sometimes Mark would even smile or engage pleasantly in conversation when he heard her singing along to the music or commenting about the gorgeous weather. Jane would stroll into work feeling good, and after several months Mark’s situation and energy improved significantly. There were certainly days when Mark’s mood still got under Jane’s empath skin (especially if she was stressed or run-down). But knowing she could concentrate on creating energy instead of absorbing or mirroring it helped tremendously.
When creating energy, you’re trying to nurture only your own energy, yet you might discover that others mirror your delicious energy back to you.
Address People-Pleasing, Rescuing, and Codependency Patterns
Part of a grounded empath’s self-care practice is avoiding self-sabotaging patterns that empaths can fall prey to—like people-pleasing, rescuing, and
codependency. What all these patterns have in common is not feeling okay until you make sure others are okay first.
While empaths might try to control their own inner emotional climate by managing the emotions of others and employing one of these patterns, this book is filled with many healthier ways to approach your emotions and those of others. Toxic coping skills, like codependency, take effort to heal—yet countless sensitive people have healed.
• People-pleasing is a tendency to do what you think is best for others with little regard to your own needs or desires.
• Rescuing is helping others who feel they are in desperate need in a way that can be unhealthy or even dangerous for the empath acting as life preserver. Some people—like EMTs—are rescuing in a healthy way.
• Codependency involves getting to a feeling of safety or worthiness through your relationship to someone else.
All of these patterns can enable self-sabotaging behaviors in others, so getting help is good not only for you but for others in your life too. If one or more of these patterns might be an issue for you, speak to a counselor about your specific situation. (There is simply too much to cover here.) Stick to information and helpful people who are knowledgeable, positive, and encouraging. These patterns do not change overnight, but with awareness and assistance they can heal dramatically over time.
Work with the Magic of Surrender
Surrendering an issue that feels beyond your control can be a powerful practice for empaths, because the energy of authentic surrender is light, peaceful, and positive—which can make energy-sensitive empaths feel the same way. The magic of surrender lies in its ability to let you step aside, make room, and invite the larger, benevolent forces of life to work on an issue for you, presenting you with new options. You might decide to surrender something because:
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