Cade sprinted to her, boots splashing through the puddles, and caught Remy by the shoulders. “Don’t go over there,” she warned, shaking her head.
“Fuck that!” Remy snapped. She whacked her hand firmly into the other woman’s ribs, jostling her aside before she ran to the van. As she approached and saw the scene at the front of the van, she stopped short. Her boots skidded on the slick grass, nearly sending her in a short fall to the mud below, but she quickly caught her balance, her eyes wide as she stared at the tableau before her.
Ethan knelt in the wet grass by the broken passenger window. The side of his head was wet with blood and rain, and his clothes were smeared with dirt and mud and grass. A trickle of blood worked its way down from his temple to his jaw, but he was heedless of the injury he’d suffered as he hunched protectively over something—no, someone. She took a few steps closer, and her eyes lit onto the battered red Converse sneakers that the supine figure wore.
Nikola.
Even as the realization struck her brain with the violence of a baseball bat, Theo knelt beside the teenager, sliding his hands over her cheeks and face, holding a wrist near her nose, feeling at her chest and stomach. Ethan spoke to Theo in a broken, pleading voice. “Theo, help her,” he said, his voice trembling. Even as he said this, Theo leaned down and blew two quick breaths into Nikola’s mouth.
Theo pushed Ethan roughly away with his free hand before he began to press both hands down hard onto Nikola’s chest. It was then, as Ethan backpedaled out of the way, that Remy caught a glimpse of the young girl’s face. The expression there told her everything she needed to know. The teenager’s eyes were wide, staring blankly at the sky, her mouth slightly opened. She wasn’t moving, even as the rain fell onto her pale, exposed skin. Remy covered her mouth with her hand and let out a soft, choked sob.
“No. No, not Nikki,” she murmured, her voice trembling violently.
Ethan was beside himself as Theo stopped compressions and blew two more breaths into Nikola’s lungs, her chest rising and falling with each puff. Then Gray was on his knees beside Nikola, blocking Remy’s view, and he and Theo began to work frantically yet rhythmically, trying desperately to save the girl’s life. It was several long, anxious minutes before Theo pulled away and gently checked for a pulse, pressing two fingers to Nikola’s neck. As Gray continued the chest compressions, his wheezing breaths audible as far back as where Remy stood, Theo slid his fingers gently along either side of the girl’s neck. As he did so, her head lolled oddly to the side. Something about the way her head rested on her neck seemed wrong, seemed somehow obscene, somehow not right.
Theo shook his head slowly and reached across Nikola’s body, stopping Gray with a gentle touch against the other’s forearm. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and didn’t look at Ethan. “Eth, I’m sorry,” he said quietly, just barely audible over the rain.
“Don’t fucking tell me you’re sorry!” Ethan shouted, in sharp contrast to Theo’s solemn tone. “Just help her!”
“There isn’t anything I can do,” Theo said. His voice sounded strangely calm, almost empty. “She’s dead, Ethan. She’s gone.”
“She’s not fucking dead! She can’t be dead! Do something!” Ethan begged. The desperation in his voice made Remy’s heart hurt. She closed her eyes and turned away from the scene, but she couldn’t escape the growing argument as she stood in the rain, her head bowed, the water running from her hair into her eyes to mask her tears.
“There isn’t anything I can do, Ethan! Nothing!” Theo exclaimed, his voice rising in volume. “Her neck is broken! There’s no way we can do anything without hospitals and surgeons and all kinds of medical shit that we don’t have!” He ran both hands through his hair and rose to his feet, shaking and struggling to maintain control. “She’s gone. She’s not dying; she’s dead, Ethan. There’s nothing left to save!”
Ethan visibly deflated at Theo’s words, slumping sideways against the van as Theo stared at Nikola in silence. Remy struggled to stop her tears. She had to be the strong one. She had to help keep the group together; she had to help keep Ethan together. He’d need her later.
Nikola was dead. Nikola was dead. How could this have happened? They’d never lost a member of their group before. She shuddered and squeezed her eyes tighter. She couldn’t grasp the loss of the young girl; she couldn’t wrap her mind around it. She turned away from the others once more and pressed her fist to her mouth, biting down on her knuckles to suppress the sob threatening to escape.
Remy felt a pair of strong arms loop around her, and she opened her eyes to see Gray standing before her. He gave her a tight, comforting hug, rubbing her back as he gazed over her shoulder. She guessed he was keeping an eye on Ethan, even as tears swam in his eyes. She blinked rapidly to banish her own. Gray always seemed to know exactly when she needed him, and he was always there with a hug and a smile and reassuring words.
As Remy studied Gray’s drawn, tired face, a commotion erupted behind her. She turned just in time to see Ethan get to his feet, grab Avi by her upper arms, and slam her against the overturned van. “This is all your fucking fault!” he yelled, leaning close to her face and gripping her biceps so tightly that his fingers and knuckles turned white. “It’s your fault Nikki is fucking dead!” The rest of the group stood frozen, watching with varying degrees of horror as he pulled Avi from the van a few inches and slammed her against it once more. “If you hadn’t showed up with your stupid-ass sob story, we wouldn’t be in this fucking van in this fucking state, and Nikola wouldn’t be fucking dead!”
Remy started forward at the same time Brandt did. Together, they caught Ethan by his forearms as he slammed Avi against the van for a third time. Remy held no love for the woman, but she thought it best to stop Ethan before he caused her any irreparable damage.
“This is your fucking fault!” Ethan shouted as they hauled back on him, pulling him away. “Where’s my damned gun? I’m going to shoot that fucking bitch!”
Theo’s head jerked up as he heard Ethan’s words. He straightened and pointed at Ethan emphatically as he snapped orders at Brandt. “Get him away from here before he does something we’ll all regret.”
Remy tightened her grasp on Ethan’s forearm, tugging gently to encourage him to come away from the van. She expected Ethan to fight against the grip she and Brandt had on him. Instead, he simply went limp, sagging in their arms and letting out a pained, strangled sob. Remy’s tears surged forth at the sound of one of the strongest men she knew so heartbroken, and she couldn’t hold them off.
“Brandt?” Remy asked softly, silently begging the older man with her eyes to take care of Ethan in her stead. She couldn’t promise she wouldn’t break down if she tried.
Brandt nodded in understanding and slid his hands under both of Ethan’s arms, taking his weight off of Remy. “Come on, Ethan. Let’s go take a minute and see if we can get some shelter from this rain, okay?”
Ethan didn’t seem to want to go, but he walked with Brandt anyway, staggering as he covered his eyes with his hand. Remy watched the two men climb the embankment, away from the wreckage of the van. Once they were out of sight, she turned to the remaining members of the group, shaking away her own tears as she looked to each of their shell-shocked faces.
“So, what now?” she asked.
* * *
Cade sank down on the muddy embankment after Brandt and Ethan’s departure, resting her forehead in her hands and bringing her knees to her chest, digging her heels into the mud as she fought back tears and tried to make sense of what had happened. How could everything have gone so bottoms-up in such a short time? In the few days since Avi had shown up on the scene, it seemed like the entire world had gone to shit.
Cade was embarrassed to admit it, even to herself, but she really wanted Brandt right then. She needed a hug, almost desperately, and preferably from him. But Brandt was at the top of the embankment somewhere, attempting to calm Ethan down, to bring him back from his homicidal rag
e—something Cade should have been doing—so she was forced to comfort herself as best she could.
It was, obviously, not working.
Someone plopped down in the mud beside Cade. She lifted her head from her hands to see who’d joined her in her self-imposed mope-fest. It was Theo, and he looked almost as miserable as she felt. “You okay?” she asked, shifting her eyes to the tree line and letting out a slow, calming breath. She had to be strong, if not for Theo’s sake, then for her own.
“I feel like shit,” Theo admitted. His voice was just as quiet and solemn as hers. He stared down at his hands, curling his fingers slowly until his hands were wound into tight fists. Cade stared at his slowly whitening knuckles.
“I think we all do.” She twisted to study the top of the embankment, as if she could see the two men somewhere above. “Do you think we need to check on them? I haven’t heard anything up there, and it’s starting to worry me.”
Theo shook his head and let out a heavy sigh laced with quiet desperation and sadness and even a bit of fear. “No, I don’t think so,” he said. “I think Ethan just needs some time to cool down and grieve. He’s blaming himself for this, regardless of what he said to Avi. She was just a convenient target. He thinks it was his fault; he was the one who wrecked the van, after all. But, I mean, shit happens. Sometimes that shit is the worst thing you can imagine, and that’s what happened in this case.” He sighed again and hung his head. “I just hate that it was Nikola who paid the price.”
Cade sat quietly, processing what Theo had said. He was right, and she knew it. But that didn’t make her any more comfortable with the idea of her best friend and her…whatever Brandt was to her now so far out of her sight. Especially now that they’d officially entered the most dangerous state in the world. And it didn’t make her feel better about how to handle Ethan if even Theo felt it was partially Ethan’s fault that Nikola’s body lay still and silent beside the van.
“You did good, taking control of the situation back there,” Cade finally said. She looked at Theo through the slackening rain. “The rest of us…I think we were in shock. And you just stepped right up and did what Ethan should have been doing. And you did it well.”
“Not as well as Ethan,” he admitted. “And I’m not in charge here. I don’t want to be in charge. I think I’m perfectly content with my small role in this group, and I want to keep it the way it is. If Ethan’s out of commission, if he cracks because of Nikola’s death, I think everyone will look to you or Brandt for guidance way before they look at me. I’m definitely not a natural leader, and I’d never be able to lead a group like this one. I couldn’t handle that kind of responsibility.”
Cade motioned toward the van. “How are you taking this?” she asked, shifting her eyes to the vehicle. She watched Remy, Gray, and Avi closely; the three of them sat in the wet grass. Gray had his arm around Remy, holding her tightly against his side as she slumped there silently. Avi sat curled in the grass near them, her head bowed as she stared down at her hands. Nikola’s body was nowhere to be seen.
“She’s in the van,” Theo said, noticing her eyes on the spot where Nikola had lain. “Gray and I moved her inside so she wouldn’t be out in the rain.” He sighed and twisted his fingers together, sitting in silence, his eyes closing momentarily as a wave of guilt washed over his face. “I just wish there were something I could have done, some way I could have helped her. I just…I felt so fucking helpless.”
She nodded in silent agreement, staring blankly at the overgrown trees on the other side of the ditch in which the van rested. Her stomach was a knot of suppressed emotion, and it was beginning to make her feel queasy. “I don’t know what to do,” she finally confessed. “I don’t know how to handle all of this, if you want me to be quite honest. I don’t think I’d be any better a leader than you.”
“I think you’d be a great leader, if you want my opinion, however little it may matter,” Theo said. He slowly stood, brushing at his muddy pants uselessly, and looked at their surroundings, his expression suddenly pensive. His eyes skimmed the tree line, the van, and the embankment behind them each in turn. Cade watched curiously, pushing her wet bangs out of her eyes and tilting her head back study him.
“Is something wrong?”
“Not as such, no,” Theo answered evasively. He raked his hands through his wet hair and added, “I just don’t feel comfortable sitting out in the open in the rain with the sun down. There might be infected around here somewhere, you know? And we’d never hear them coming with the rain.” He shook his head and added, “Not to mention it’s the middle of winter and we could get hypothermia sitting in the wet like this.”
A voice spoke up from above and behind them as Theo finished talking. “We should move.” They turned to see Ethan sliding down the embankment, his expression exhausted. Brandt followed closely behind, watching Ethan intently, as if he weren’t sure his efforts to calm the man had worked. The older man didn’t look a hair’s breadth away from another outburst anymore, so she concluded that whatever miracle Brandt had worked had been successful.
“I agree,” Theo said immediately. He went to Ethan and took his arm, leading him toward the others. “Come on. Let’s go talk to Remy and Gray and see what we can all do for shelter.”
Cade and Brandt stood in the rain, watching them walk slowly away, then Brandt turned to her. “Are you okay?” he asked, his voice laden with concern. She was touched that he even thought to ask, especially after spending so much time and effort calming Ethan down. She nodded slightly.
“As good as can be expected, given the circumstances,” she admitted. She let out a drawn-out sigh and folded her arms, hugging herself tightly, fingertips digging into her ribs. She watched Ethan worriedly, her eyes narrowed and her forehead drawn down into a frown. “He’s going to fall apart, isn’t he?”
“Probably,” he acknowledged. “I think I’ve done all I can to help him hold it together for now. But it’s not going to last. We’ll have to help him as much as we can, because there’s no way we can do this on our own. We need a leader.”
“Theo thinks it should be one of us if Ethan can’t do it.”
Brandt let out a slow, thoughtful hum and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I figured as much,” he said. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked after a moment of intense study.
Cade shrugged. “I have to be,” she said, her voice hushed as she averted her eyes. “If Ethan isn’t going to keep himself together, if he’s going to allow himself to fall apart, then I can’t afford to do what I want to do right now.”
“Which is?”
She hesitated, her vision blurring with tears. She turned to look back the way they’d come, staring emptily at the deep gouges the van’s tires left in the muddy embankment, and swiped the back of her hand across her eye angrily. The last thing she wanted was to have an emotional breakdown in front of Brandt. That would just make her night oh so perfect.
Brandt, thankfully, didn’t mention her teary-eyed state as he gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze. His fingertips traced a small line over the hollow between her collarbone and shoulder.
“What are we going to do, Brandt?” she asked. She looked down at her muddied clothes in an effort to find something neutral on which to focus her eyes, something other than the man standing beside her or the van holding the body of a dear friend, of a young girl who’d been like a little sister to them all.
“I have an idea, but I’m not sure the rest of you are going to like it,” he said.
Cade sighed. “I really hate when you start something off like that.”
Brandt gave her a reassuring smile and squeezed her shoulder again before letting go and taking a step forward. “Come on. We should have a meeting with the others.”
Chapter Eleven
An hour later, Gray carried the last of the group’s immediately necessary supplies up the embankment to the military supply truck Brandt had commandeered for shelter. A frame covered in a heavy, thick can
opy arched over the back of the truck. Though it was neither warm nor comfortable, it was at least dry and gave them a semblance of safety and security, even if only psychologically.
“I found Cade’s rifle in the van,” Gray said as he approached. Brandt sat on the lowered tailgate, his legs hanging off as he examined a handgun, presumably keeping watch.
“I’m sure she’ll be happy to see it.” Brandt took the rifle from him and gave it a cursory once-over before he patted the tailgate beside him. “Have a seat.”
Gray obliged, making himself comfortable before looking back at the other five huddled in the interior of the truck’s cargo area. Ethan had taken up residence at the front of the truck, his arms resting on his knees and his head tilted back, eyes closed. He looked a mess—even more so than the others, on the verge of cracking at any moment. With anyone else, Gray would have been at least a little worried, but in this case, he couldn’t have cared less about how Ethan felt. It was his fault they were in their current mess to begin with, his and Avi’s.
Gray’s eyes drifted to Ethan’s right, and he recognized the shadowy figure of Remy sitting beside Ethan in the dark truck. She talked to him inaudibly, rubbing her hand slowly and soothingly up and down his forearm. Gray felt a punch of jealousy in his gut and averted his eyes before he did something stupid, like make a big deal out of it.
Theo sat on Ethan’s left, his fingers pressed to the man’s wrist, studying a watch on his own arm. It took Gray a moment to realize he was checking Ethan’s heart rate. He wondered if Ethan was having stress-induced chest pains again. That had happened the October before, and it had scared them all shitless—even Gray, though he’d have died before ever admitting it. He might dislike Ethan immensely, and he might not care about how the other man felt, but he didn’t wish him ill. Even he wasn’t stupid enough to deny that Ethan had a way with the members of the group that kept them all in line. Ethan was irreplaceable, and even Gray readily acknowledged that fact.
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