“Can you tell me the names of a few of my old friends?” I ask. There are always things that girls don’t tell their mothers, and I’m hopeful a friend could sort out the missing pieces for me.
“You’re not gonna to find anyone. They’ve all gone and married off.” She bites her bottom lip. “You know what we should do? We should take a trip, just us girls. Mother-daughter spa reunion!”
“OK, sure. But getting back to the friends…I could look them up online if you give me their names.” I grab a pen from my bag. “Old friends, people I worked with at that place you mentioned.”
“Aw, Dree, I don’t remember any names from way back when. Ain’t it enough that you and I finally found each other? Besides, if you go lookin’ up anyone from the club they’re gonna want money from you, sugar pie. Once they know that Audrey Gilbert, daughter-in-law of Senator Edmund Gilbert, is really just ole Dree Dupree from the strip joint, the hands are gonna want greasin’ faster than water rolls off a duck’s back. We gotta keep this deal between ourselves for now.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” My head feels like it’s being worked on by a jackhammer. I blink a few times to try to get my eyes back into focus. “Did you just say Dree Dupree from the strip—”
“Like I was sayin’…” She leans in close to the table, looking me in the eye. “Jason was in town for a little fun, and he took one good look and that was it. You didn’t think you hooked him with that pretty face alone, did ya?”
~24~
I wake up to Dottie holding a washcloth on my face. “Where’s Viki?” I whisper.
“I called her a cab back to that shit pile you found her in. She left her number so you could call her and discuss the future. I swear that woman had dollar signs in her eyes,” Dottie says.
“What happened?”
“You blacked out. I told you this was gonna happen.”
I close my eyes to stop the room from spinning. “So apparently Audrey was a stripper named Dree Dupree who trapped a rich boy by faking a pregnancy. This has to be better than your soap operas.”
“You gonna believe that piece of trash?” she asks.
“That piece of trash is my mother. Who my husband told me was dead.”
Dottie fluffs the pillow behind my head. “Allegedly your mother.”
“I believe her. I felt it in the trailer. She’s definitely my mother.” My temples are still pounding.
“Maybe she’s the lady who gave birth to you. That doesn’t make her a good mother, the kind you can trust. There are too many things you don’t know. And there’s only one person who’s gonna to be able to set you straight,” she says.
“Yes, but he’s been lying to me. So who do I believe?”
Dottie dunks the wash cloth into the water before putting it to my cheek again. “I always go with my gut on these issues…and I went with my gut today. I think you should try to do that, too.”
“What do you mean you went with your gut today?”
“You’re gonna have to try and forgive me, Jane, Audrey, Dree, whoever you are. Because I really care about you. And I can only do what I know is right.” Her face looks guilty. Pained.
“You called Jason.” I stare up at the ceiling and feel a tear trickle down the side of my face. “But I trusted you.”
“Exactly. You trust me because you know I’m lookin’ out for you. And when I saw you walk into that trailer this mornin’, I didn’t think I was doin’ the right thing for you. God only knows what could have been waitin’ for you in there. She could’ve shot you dead, and I would’ve been the lady who drove a young wife and mother to her death. So I called him right then and there. It’s not even a two hour flight to here, did you know that?”
“Is he coming to get me?” I don’t even want to argue about her decision to call Jason. I’m back to having no one.
She sighs. “He’s here. On his way to the hotel now. He flew in on his father’s chartered plane.”
I shake my head and stare at the wall, unable to look at her.
“You’ll forgive me one day,” she says. “You need to see that there’s people who love you and wanna help you. And sometimes helpin’ someone means doin’ the opposite of what they think they want.”
“Thank you. That will be all, Dottie,” I say coldly.
She gets up and walks away quietly. I’ve never addressed her as hired help, but now it seems Viki was right. Although she appears to be loyal to me, Dottie is on the Gilbert family payroll; she’s here because it’s her job.
There’s no point in trying to do anything or go anywhere. Jason is on his way. Jason, who gets to control everything I do and when I do it, and what I know and don’t. I’m trapped playing a game that only he knows the rules to, with pawns that are all on his side.
My hair still smells like smoke and it’s making me nauseous. I pass Dottie’s room on my way to the shower. She’s quietly packing her suitcase. I don’t stop her.
By the time I get out, I can tell Jason has arrived by the sound of a tennis match blaring from the television. Dottie is gone; I can sense it. The air feels different without her presence. Lonely. I walk into the living room in my robe, drying my hair with a towel. His back is to me.
“You didn’t need to come here,” I say.
Jason jumps up from the couch and turns off the TV. His shirt is untucked from one side of his jeans and his hair is a mess. “Jane, I—” He stops and takes a deep breath. “Why in God’s name did you come here?”
There are so many things I can say, but I attempt to give the truth as simply as I can. “I was curious what you were keeping from me. Dr. Patel says I can’t breathe because I have anxiety-induced asthma. Dr. Jefferies says I have repressed memories that are causing me stress. They both think I’m a danger to myself and my child if I don’t get my shit together. The only person who seems not to mind that I’ve become someone else is you.”
“I did keep things from you. But now that you know, I assume you understand why I did it.”
“I understand that you were ashamed of who you were married to. I understand that you told me I was an orphan and kept Audrey away from her mother for most of her life. What I don’t understand is why.”
Jason shakes his head. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I met her, Jason. I met Audrey’s mother. Viki. She told me what Audrey’s real name was and how you wanted her to change it. She told me what Audrey was doing when you met, and you know what? It’s pretty much the exact opposite of a church group retreat!”
I throw a vase, and it shatters against the wall. I struggle to catch my breath as tears spill down my cheeks. “So you thought you knocked up some poor stripper and were afraid to bring that kind of trash home to Mommy and Daddy? That’s it? That’s the big mystery of my life? The big secret you’ve avoided telling me is that the man who stooped so low to marry me—or was tricked into doing so—was so ashamed of who I was that he exploited my amnesia to preserve his own precious image?”
Jason’s face turns from pink to red to purple, and I wonder how many colors are left before he explodes.
I continue my rant. “I was thinking it was so much worse, actually. That you tried to kill Audrey, were having affairs, another family maybe. But it’s really just a simple story of trying to hide who she was so she wouldn’t embarrass you. Is this why you wouldn’t let Audrey meet any of the other wives from the hospital? So nobody would know what she was?”
“That bitch.” Jason hurdles over the back of the couch and heads for the door. “You stay right here, do you understand me? I’m going to bring that drunken psycho back here and make her tell you the truth.”
I put myself between him and the door. “I don’t trust either one of you. How do I know you aren’t going there to get your stories straight? She tried to negotiate with me for her story, so for all I know she could be lying, too. Tell me your version now before I tell you anything else she said.”
He stares into my eyes as if trying to fig
ure out who I am.
“I know what you’re doing now,” I say in my meanest tone. “You don’t know if you should talk to me as Jane, the new wife who doesn’t know anything; Audrey, the old wife who lied about everything; or Dree, the girl who would’ve done anything for you.”
Jason grabs me by my robe and pulls me towards him. “If you had any idea what you were saying right now, you’d hate yourself. Everything she told you is a goddamn lie, and I can say that without even knowing what she said today because she’s a drunk, Jane. She lies to get what she wants—money and alcohol and that’s it. Those are the most important things in her life, other than the men she can never hold on to.” He shakes while he speaks, barely holding back his fury. “She didn’t deserve to be your mother.”
His body is pressed up against mine, and his face is so close that when he speaks, I feel his breath on my lips. My entire body starts to tingle. It doesn’t make sense for me to react this way during an argument—unless it’s because he’s not treating me like poor, delicate Audrey.
“So you admit you erased her?” I say.
His hands still grasp my collar but his shoulders soften slightly. “Yes, I did. For you. You have to believe me.”
I want to believe him. Even though I’m angry, just being this close to him and seeing the pain in his face makes me weak. And the fact that I’m so turned on warns me I’ve lost all objectivity when it comes to him. There isn’t much more a thin cotton robe separating us, and even that feels like too much.
Jason runs his hand down the side of my face. “I can explain it all. But you need to believe me when I tell you that everything I do for you is done out of love.”
I know he feels the charge between us, too; his heart is pounding through his shirt.
“That’s the thing, Jason.” I stare into his eyes confidently and remove his hands from my robe. It falls open slightly, and I don’t move to stop it. “I can’t believe anything anyone says to me. I can only go by what I feel myself. I want someone to show me the truth.”
Jason gaze falls to my open robe. “What about our weekend at the inn?” He runs his fingers slowly down my neck. “Didn’t you feel me fall in love with you? Didn’t you believe in me then?”
“I…” I’m unable to speak. I can’t take my eyes off his mouth. I can barely concentrate. “I just don’t know what’s real.”
“Then I’ll show you what’s real.” He covers my mouth with his and pushes me back against the door, lifting me up so I can wrap my legs around his waist. Holding me firmly in his arms, he carries me to the bed. I tug at his clothes, desperate for the feeling of his skin against mine. He carelessly rips the robe from my body and rocks against me, clutching my hair in his fist, kissing my face, my neck, my breasts. I feel his heart beating against my own, and I cry out for him just before he slumps against me in exhaustion.
We lie there holding on to one another for a long time, reveling in our closeness. The room grows colder, and I shiver and burrow deeper into his chest for warmth.
Jason extends my arm and softly kisses the inside of my wrist. “That was the best fight I’ve ever had.”
“Best one I can remember.”
“Although I’m not sure how you thinking I lied to you worked out so well for me,” he says.
“I think I just needed to feel something for myself. I still want to know the truth about Audrey’s life. But in case anything you say changes things between us, I need you to know that I truly love you, Jason. I love you because I can’t feel anything else, no matter how hard I try.”
“What did I do to deserve you falling in love with me twice?” he whispers, cradling my face in his hands. He tightens his grip around my body and shifts himself back on top of me. We move slowly and quietly this time, our eyes locked on one another. He buries his face in my hair. “I don’t care who you were. I love who you are now.”
His words leave tears behind on my skin. I can’t tell if they’re his or mine.
As we fall away from one another, Jason reaches to take my hand. “I want to give you everything. Name something you want, I’ll get it. Some place you want to go, I’ll bring you there.”
“Can we start with pancakes? I’m starving. I was too nervous to eat with Viki here.”
He kisses my forehead. “I’ll tell you everything you need to know over pancakes. And I’ll even make them myself.”
~25~
Jason slides another pancake onto my plate. “Will you let me tell you the entire story from beginning to end without stopping me? Because I want to give it to you exactly as it happened so you can decide for yourself about Viki.” He searches through the bags he’s brought back from the mini mart down the road and pulls out a bottle of beer.
“Don’t worry, I’ll try not to put my two cents in,” I say with a mouthful.
He looks at me skeptically but sits down at the table and takes a deep breath. “My senior year in college I traveled cross country with some fraternity brothers. We stopped for the night in West Virginia and ended up at a little dive called The Hornet’s Nest. A strip club, as you probably know from Viki.”
I remember the matchbook I found in his study and nearly gag. “The Hornet’s Nest! What a horrible name for a—”
Jason smiles. “What happened to not putting your two cents in? If we talk about what you think is a good name for a strip club, we’ll be here all night.”
I pretend to lock my lips with a key and throw it over my shoulder just like Daisy.
“Anyway, I wasn’t exactly comfortable going to a strip club, but I also wasn’t very good at standing up to my friends. Even if I’d wanted to be there, my parents would’ve murdered me if they knew. My mother raised me to be extremely respectful of women, and I’m sure you can imagine what it would do to my father’s career if I were the kind of person who frequented strip clubs.”
I nod at him. “Right, the Confederation for Moral Living.”
“Exactly. So once we got there, everyone spread out. Most of the guys went up front to throw money at the dancers, and the rest of us went to a booth towards the back to drink up the nerve to join them. The waitresses were really aggressive; sitting in our laps, hanging all over us.”
“Where was Audrey? Was she on the stage?” It’s not exactly putting my two cents in if I’m asking a question.
He ignores me and keeps going. “There was an older waitress who kept saying I had a baby face. Saying I looked too young to be there. She kept trying to get my wallet away to see my ID. Not that she cared about my age, of course; she just wanted to see how much money I had so they didn’t waste their time with us. Eventually she got my license and started screeching because she saw it was my birthday. Well, almost my birthday. It wasn’t midnight yet. But she said I needed a private lap dance to celebrate.”
“Was Audrey the private lap dance girl?” I almost don’t want to know.
“Yes, but let me finish before you get upset.”
I’m upset, but not in the way he thinks. He’d never understand what I’m feeling; a mix of regret for not being able to share his memories and jealousy towards the girl they’re about, who is technically me, but not.
“The guys carried me over their heads to a room. I tried to get away, but they kept yelling ‘get in there faggot’ and ‘don’t be a puss—’” He looks at me apologetically.
I roll my eyes. “I do remember what that word is, Jason.”
“They shut me in a room with only a couch and an old boom box. It was disgusting, definitely not a high end place. Across the room, people were arguing behind a large curtain. I heard a girl pleading and a man threatening her. Then he shoved her through the curtain and slammed the door behind it.”
My stomach tightens. “Audrey.”
He sighs. “Yes, Audrey. I swear she looked like a goddamn angel. She didn’t belong there. She looked like a girl you’d want to bring home to your parents, not see hanging off a pole. Even with the bleached blonde hair, she was naturally beautiful. I’l
l never forget the first words she said to me. But you’re so young. As if she’d expected a dirty old man to be there waiting for her. She backed away, telling me there’d been a mistake. Before I could say anything, the man banged on the back door and demanded she turn on the music. I turned it on just to shut him up and signaled for her to be quiet. Then I locked the door behind the curtain in case he tried to come in, and I remember thinking it shouldn’t be able to lock from the inside. What if some pervert was in there trying to attack her? How would anyone get in to help?”
He says the last part quietly, as though the thought of her locked in there with the wrong person still bothers him. Even after all this time.
“Outside the door, my friends were laughing and asking if I was scared. Teasing me about being a virgin.” He looks up at me quickly. “I wasn’t. But I wasn’t very experienced, either.”
I take his hand. “It doesn’t matter to me.”
“Audrey could tell they embarrassed me, and something in her changed. I think she looked at me and recognized the lost soul looking back. I asked what her name was, and she said, ‘It’s uh…Dree.’ But with her thick accent and the music blaring, I thought she said Audrey, and I called her that the entire time. She didn’t correct me.”
I hug my arms around my knees. Who could blame her? If I were in her position and someone this perfect called me the wrong name, I would have answered to it as well.
“I laid my jacket down for her to sit on since that couch was undoubtedly covered in DNA left behind by a hundred perverts. She seemed self-conscious about the way she looked and kept pulling her skimpy robe down over her thigh high stockings. She had little jeweled things stuck around her eyes, but she didn’t have a ton of makeup on like the other dancers. She looked a like a kid playing dress up in her mother’s clothes.”
I want to be her so badly my heart aches, simply because of the look on his face when he describes her.
When I Was Jane Page 21