He reacted to my cries, misunderstanding them for pleasure—or maybe enjoying my pain. I was dizzy from holding my breath. Tears slid down the sides of my face and pooled in my ears. When it was over, I pried myself out from under him and made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up in the sink. I stared at myself in the mirror; mascara smeared under my swollen eyes, lipstick smudged across my mouth and cheek, bruises beginning around the base of my neck. I looked as if I’d never left Deacon Hill.
I dragged myself back into the room, unable to face Wyatt. He grabbed my hand and kissed it and said he’d missed the last several years. He acted unaware of what he’d just done, rambling on about people we used to know, things he did in Alaska. I was far away in my mind, waiting for the part when he’d promise to never bother any of the Gilberts in exchange for what we had done.
My thoughts drifted to Jason. How he treats me like I’m made of glass. Didn’t he know my body killed our baby boy because something so beautiful couldn’t grow right inside of someone like me? Daisy made it out unscathed somehow, but James…it happened as I knew it would. I need to save them all somehow, but coming to Wyatt for help is only further proof of how stupid and selfish I am. My mother was right about me.
I told Wyatt I needed to leave, I told him to go back to Alaska. But he said we weren’t done. He called me Dree. I tried to argue, to tell him I wasn’t that girl anymore, but I had nothing left in me.
He said he knew how much the Gilbert family was worth and how much they'd pay for the world not to know that Senator Gilbert’s son bought himself a lifetime lap dance. Those words killed the last living piece of my heart. When I asked if he was trying to blackmail me, he looked confused. I offered him my jewelry to leave. He jumped off the couch and yelled, saying he hadn’t traveled a million miles for jewelry. I told him I had no access to the Gilberts money and that I wouldn’t do that to them anyway.
He said, “You’re the one who wanted out. Think of the divorce settlement you’ll get. How much they’ll pay us to walk away quietly.”
Us? Did he really think we could be an us? There’s no way I’d ever divorce Jason.
“You don’t belong with them and you know it. That's why you’re here. You can’t stay away from your roots.” He grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. I slapped him hard across his face. He didn’t even flinch.
I ran from the room and somehow made it back to my car. Wyatt texted again, saying he’d be in touch to discuss the plans.
I tried to warn Jason once about what happens when a fish and a bird fall in love. He brought me higher than I should be, and now I can’t breathe in his world. It’s either drag him down with me or let him go. I’ll have to find a way to save him.
Please God, help me.
~27~
I close the journal and stare into my lap.
Jason shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Say something.”
“Was she…” I don’t want to say the word; I don’t know what to say. I barely understand what I just read. My stomach is tied up in knots of loathing and pity and sympathy and blame, and I don’t even understand where they’re coming from. Unless Audrey’s trying to tell me something.
I rephrase my question. “Do you think she was forced, or do you think she betrayed you?”
“She didn't betray me; she betrayed herself with that lowlife piece of shit. She was confused.”
“You can’t possibly be this understanding. You must have been—”
“Furious?” He drains his glass. “Yeah. I wanted to torture the guy.”
“But she’s the one you married. Shouldn't you have been angry at her?”
“I don’t know why she went in the first place. That’s the only part I still can’t understand. Her betrayal to me was in showing up there. There was no other possible outcome to their meeting, and she should have foreseen that, considering their history.”
“But she didn’t even try—”
“Everything Audrey did, or didn’t do—like protect herself—was second nature to her. Even the part where she was protecting me,” he says.
“You? How can you say she was protecting you?”
“You read it. She tried to protect me from herself because she felt I deserved better. And I think she was also protecting me in another way. It isn’t like she gave him her heart, Jane. That was something she only shared with me.”
I do understand that part. Audrey hated herself so much she didn’t feel her body was worth protecting, but she’d left her heart at home. That’s why she wrote about feeling nothing; she was nothing more than a shell when she went to him. Similar to what Jason is doing right now by turning off his emotions.
“I think you need to get mad. For your own sanity. Yell. Anything. You must feel something,” I say.
Jason face tightens. He grabs one of his basketballs and squeezes it between his palms as he paces around the room. Seething. “You were the one who said that sometimes it has nothing to do with love. Remember? When you thought I slept with Leslie? You said things get complicated sometimes. Well, things got complicated, and she went and tortured herself with that piece of shit.”
I wonder what Audrey would say if she were here. Would she cry and beg for his forgiveness? I’m beginning to hate her again for being such a self-deprecating sap. For putting him in the position of having to excuse her mistakes. I want him to stop holding back. He deserves to vent, and it may be the only way to uncover the truth.
“But what about you? You’re allowed to have feelings about it, even if you clinically understand her motives,” I say. “According to the journal, she thought you treated her like glass. Which, interestingly enough, were the very words I used on the beach that day. Sounds like she didn't like it any more than I did.” I fold my arms across my chest. “So out with it. Didn’t you care that she was with another man?”
“Of course I care!” Jason throws his empty wine glass against the wall and it shatters to pieces. He starts to come at me, full of remorse, but I put my hand up to stop him.
“Talk,” I say firmly.
“How can you ask me if I care? I love you, Audrey. Jane. Whoever. You’re the most important person in my life. When I think of the way that he—that fucking piece of garbage who didn't deserve to breathe the same air as you—disrespected you, disrespected me, our marriage, and our daughter without even flinching…” He stops to catch his breath. “And you let him. What could draw you to a man like that?”
I sit back and take a sip my wine. “It sounds like she was seeking punishment.”
“She is you! You let him treat you like you're nothing. Why? You’re everything to me. I do everything I can to show you, and it's never enough for you to believe me.” His voice breaks into a sob.
The sound breaks my heart. Another memory flashes before my eyes.
We’re outside at night; Jason stands in front of me.
His voice breaks. “Oh my God, Audrey, what have you done?”
I blink back to the present.
Jason watches me, waiting.
“You said, ‘Oh my God, Audrey, what have you done?’ We were outside at night. Near the water. Was I with him again? Did you catch us?”
Jason takes my hands in his. “You’ve had enough for tonight. We survived it, and that’s all that matters. You made a mistake, and I forgave you. Let that be enough.”
My tears fall fast and I can’t stop them. I remember running away.
It’s dark and I’m terrified.
Jason’s voice carries through the darkness. “Audrey! Get back here.”
I fall into the dirt.
It’s just like my dream. A chill runs through me. “Were you chasing me, Jason?”
“Please stop. You're not ready.”
“I'm not ready, or you're not ready?”
He pulls his phone from his pocket. “I need to call Patel before we continue.”
Probably so he can figure out a way to manipulate my memories. I slap the phone out of his hands, and
it falls to the floor.
“What aren't you telling me? I deserve to know. Do you not want me to be Audrey?”
He curses under his breath. “I don't know how much longer I can do this, Jane. You're killing me. Either way I'm wrong.”
I jump to my feet. “What do you mean either way? Please, for once just tell me the truth. I already know the worst of it. What more can there possibly be? Was I in a cult? Abducted by aliens? Was I having his demon baby? Was I actually leaving you?”
I watch his temples constrict and lower my voice to a whisper. “She was leaving you, wasn’t she?”
He bows his head. “I thought so, yes. I thought she was leaving me for him. For that piece of shit who treated you like dirt for most of your life. I found the piece of paper with the hotel address. I saw a few texts on your phone. But I didn’t read the journal until after the accident, I swear to you. I wish I had. That was my fatal mistake.”
“What fatal mistake?”
“After I read it, I realized she was trying to spare me. She thought I’d elevated her to a world she didn’t deserve. You mistakenly thought leaving was an act of selfless love.” His voice catches on the last word.
I realize we’ve both been talking as if I am Audrey and Jane at the same time, and I no longer know which is which.
The floor sways under me. Rocking.
“Jason, were we on a boat?”
“Jesus, Jane. Slow down.” He hugs me to his chest. “You’re stronger than I am. You’re the strongest person I know; look what you came back from. Audrey was strong in a lot of ways, but not when it came to helping herself. She spent her life ashamed of who she was, and it ruined her. You’re a lot like her, fierce and witty, but the difference is you believe it. I don't want you to lose that.”
“Knowing the truth won't take that away from me.” I can only hope this is true.
“I wish I were as strong as you, because then I’d know what to do right now.” He gets up from the couch and walks away from me. “Do I say what I know would be better for us, or the truth you think you want?”
The fear creeps back into my mind for the first time in many weeks. I begin to shake. “What do you mean?”
Jason says he understood what was happening with Audrey once he read the journal, but that wasn’t until after the accident. How had he felt before? When all he saw was a note with a hotel name and a text about a getaway? What would he have done to Audrey if he knew she’d been with Wyatt?
He stares at me with a veiled expression. “Audrey always said you can't un-ring a bell. All those years she couldn’t tell people about her past because she’d always wonder what they were thinking about her. I get it now. Once you give someone the ugly truth, there’s no way to take it back. And I admit I'm thinking of myself, too. You may not be able to forgive me.”
“What did you do? They said I’d remember in time anyway. Wouldn't you rather me remember with you than alone one night when you're at the hospital? When you aren’t here to explain things to me?”
He nods at me. “Yeah…I thought of that, too.” His gaze falls to the open bottle of wine on the coffee table and then back to me. The guilt on his face is undeniable.
Every hair on my body stands on end. It makes too much sense. The separate bottles of wine that we drank on the night before his shifts. Was there something in it to keep me from remembering for short periods of time when he couldn't control the information? “Have you been drugging me?”
He takes a step towards me. “Please try to understand.”
I back away. “What could possibly be so damaging that you would drug your wife to keep her from remembering?”
“You should see how you’re looking at me right now. Just like you did when you first came home. Like I'm a monster. Me. The guy who loved you and took care of you.” He paces and clenches his fists at his sides. “How you could look at me like that and not that fucking dirt bag you let assault you?” He kicks the coffee table over. Glasses smash against the tile floor. Wine pours from the bottle, a red puddle spreading across the floor.
My eyes dart around the room, planning my exit.
Jason continues his rant. “But then you started looking at me like you used to, and it made me happier than you can ever know.”
My heart thumps wildly in my chest as I listen to him unravel.
Tears well in his eyes. “And before I knew what was happening, you were looking at me in a way I didn’t even know could exist—with Audrey's love but without her pain. Getting you, Jane, to fall in love with me was something I never expected, and I thought we could finally be a family, with no bad memories getting in the way.”
“You hoped I might never have to remember what? What did you do?” It has been a long time since I suspected him of being responsible for my accident. I’ve slept with him, I’ve showered with him. I’ve fallen deeply in love with him. But maybe I was right all along. Maybe he did try to kill her. His motive was clear; he thought she was leaving him for someone so decidedly beneath him. I back up against the fireplace, feeling behind me for one of the stoking tools in case I need to come out swinging. “Did you cause my accident?”
“Not intentionally.” He turns and comes quickly towards me.
I pull the fireplace poker from behind my back and hold it out in front of me, my hands shaking.
“What are you gonna do, hit me?” He looks up at the ceiling in exasperation and laughs bitterly. “Oh, that’s perfect. You think I'm the one you should be afraid of? You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
“How do you not intentionally cause someone to nearly die in a car accident?”
“Put that thing down so we can talk. I realize I'm not explaining things as eloquently as you would, but you’re jumping to conclusions. Put it down,” he says.
I grasp the poker tighter and widen my stance in defense. “No.”
In one swift movement, he turns me around in front of him and has the poker across my chest, holding me in place. “Jiu Jitsu,” he says in my ear and then kisses my head. “Every week for the last fifteen years. If you want to attack me, you can't do it like that.”
I try to squirm away. “So are you going to finish me off now?”
“No, but since you're acting crazy, I’m going to keep you here until I know you aren't going to take my eye out with this thing.” He walks us backwards to the sliding glass door and raises the poker over my head, holding me in place with his other arm. “I'm going to throw this outside,” he says calmly, sliding the door open behind him, “and then we can talk more, OK?”
“OK,” I say sweetly and throw an elbow into his stomach. When he doubles over, I jump over his back and run out into the pitch black yard, past the garden shed and towards the trees. The crisp night air pricks my lungs.
“Jane! Audrey, wait, come back.”
It sounds eerily familiar.
I’m driving along winding roads in the dark, looking for a lake. Wyatt is waiting for me on a boat. As I turn down the dirt road leading to his dock, I see Jason's car.
Then the memory vanishes, out of my reach. Through the darkness I hear Jason run towards me, and I hide quietly behind a tree. My head is pounding.
“Jane, please, I'm not going to hurt you,” he says, standing at the edge of the woods. “I'll tell you everything. I'd rather you know the truth than have you think I’d hurt you.”
There’s nowhere else to go now. I come out to face him. “I drove to meet him at his boat and you were there.”
He sinks to his knees in the grass in front of me. “I only wanted to talk to him man-to-man. If we can even call him that.”
“Did you hurt him?”
“He taunted me. I think he wanted me to hit him. He told me flat out that you slept with him.”
I slump against the tree and hold the sides of my head, trying to keep it from splitting in half.
“He said that all of my parents’ money and connections wouldn't make you love me the way you loved him, no matter how much I paid for
you,” he says.
“But I don't love him,” I say in a tone I don’t recognize as my own. “Nobody will ever understand why I ran away with you. Only we know the truth.”
Jason jumps to his feet and grabs my shoulders. “Audrey?”
Despair and remorse squeeze my heart. I’m overcome by sadness, finally understanding what it feels like to be Audrey. Knowing how it feels to be trapped under a weighted blanket of shame.
A man's body lies face down on the deck of the boat. Blood pools around my feet.
“Did you kill him, Jason?”
“What do you remember?”
“I heard you fighting,” I say, my voice shaking. “You said I was too good for him.” Jason had naively tried to defend my honor, unable to see I had none left to defend.
“I thought you were going with him, and I didn't think I could live without you. But if I had to, I wanted to make sure you were taken care of as you deserved. Because you deserve better than you think,” he says firmly, as if trying to make me believe him once and for all.
“I know that now. I was only going to see him because I’d made such a huge mistake by unleashing him on us. I wanted to convince him to go away.”
“How? You honestly think you could have gotten through to him? I wouldn’t have cared if he told people about your past. I was never ashamed of it. But you handed him the ammunition to ruin us right there in that hotel room.”
I recoil from him, unable to defend the unforgivable. I almost destroyed our family and his father’s career. It was so much easier to discuss when I was Jane, before I remembered what an underserving fool I am. Jason is right; I created this mess, and I’d hurt the only people who had ever loved and respected me. I cry until my lungs burn.
When I Was Jane Page 24