“Let’s sit down,” Saryn said, taking me by my elbow and gently leading us over to a bench. “Roger wasn’t with her, but he saw the accident happen. He ran to her and got her out of the car, but she…she…”
I felt a tear slip free and trail down my face. “No,” I whispered softly as Saryn nodded.
“She died in his arms. Truitt said Roger changed that day. Locked up his heart and tossed away the key. Vowed he would never allow himself to fall in love again. He started to drink a lot, spent a lot of time with women. At one point, they were afraid he’d drop out of law school. I guess Truitt sat down with him one day and told him Kerri wouldn’t want to see him throw his life away. So, he got his act together, finished law school with honors, and joined a firm in Boerne before he went off on his own.”
“Where does Lucy play into all of this?” I asked.
Saryn drew her head back in surprise. “Lucy?”
I nodded. “Yes, do you know her well?”
She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again and cleared her throat. “Well, you see, Roger hasn’t been a choir boy, Annalise. He’s been with a number of women. Lucy and Roger met a few years ago. They’ve had a few…”
“Hook-ups?” I added for her.
Her eyes met mine. “Yes. But trust me, there isn’t anything there. At least not on Roger’s side. He’s been open and honest with Lucy that he was only in it for…well…um…”
“Sex.”
“Yes,” she said in relief. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt you by saying that. I don’t think they’ve been together in well over a year.”
“I know about his past. Roger is a very handsome man, and he never claimed to be an innocent. But I thought…he made it seem like…”
She took my hand in hers. “He made it seem like what?”
The back of my eyes stung with unshed tears. I had to focus on my breathing because I knew the moment I opened my mouth, sobs would come out instead of tears.
Saryn pulled me into her arms and hugged me. “Oh, sweetheart, he really broke your heart, didn’t he?”
I lost the battle, and a sob slipped free, along with those stupid tears.
Wiping them away, I drew back and sniffed, staring down at my empty hands. “I’d kill for a tissue right now.”
“Use the back of your hand. No judging here.”
I let out a half-sob, half-laugh as I did just that, then tried to carefully wipe away the tears from my face. I’d look like a clown by the time I went back into the ballroom if I didn’t get myself under control.
With a deep, shaky breath, I went on. “He made it seem like he wanted something more with me. And I really thought things were going that way. Then one day he brought me to his house. And he acted so strangely. We played pool and made this stupid bet and things got a little…you know. Instead of taking me to his bedroom, he brought me to the spare room. The sex that time was different. I thought in a good way…but it was the way he acted afterward that changed everything.”
“What do you mean?” she asked with a hard look on her face. “Did he hurt you?”
I quickly replied, “No! No, he would never hurt me. He grew distant. Very distant. He walked out of the room and pretty much locked himself up in his own room, leaving me alone. I had never felt so used in my life. That’s the only word I can think of to describe it. We argued, and I asked him who he was thinking of, and….” My voice trailed off. “Oh, God. Was he thinking of Kerri?”
Saryn quickly shook her head. “No. No, Annalise, I don’t think that was it.”
“What else could it be? How in the hell am I supposed to compete with a woman who’s gone? Who is clearly always going to own his heart?”
“I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s something deeper for Roger. It doesn’t have anything to do with Kerri. At least, not all of it.”
I met her gaze. “I think he meant to push me away that day.”
Saryn and I both turned and stared out at the darkening night sky. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and different emotions. Maybe the best thing I could do was forget about Roger, or at least resign myself to only having a friendship with him. I still cared about him and wanted him in my life. Could it be only as friends? I wasn’t sure.
“I wish I knew what to tell you, Annalise. But I’m not in Roger’s head. What if you talk to him?”
I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand again. Ugh. I was heading straight to the ladies’ room to wash my hands and freshen up my face.
“If he’s gone this long holding her memory in his heart like this, then I seriously don’t think me talking to him will change anything.”
“I’m telling you, Annalise, I don’t think it’s because he’s still in love with Kerri. He cares about you, more than I think even he knows. I know he does. Truitt said Roger has been miserable the last two weeks. He stopped by to see the kids the other day, and when they weren’t occupying his time, he simply sat there and stared out at the countryside. Please, please just talk to him. There’s a reason you were brought into his life.”
I quickly stood, drawing in a breath as I straightened. “You weren’t there, Saryn. He wouldn’t let me look…” I let my voice trail off before I cleared my throat and kept talking. “I’m not going to try to compete with a woman who isn’t even alive.” I looked away, attempting to regain my composure. “I deserve more than that. I deserve a man who wants me and who can give me all of him, not only a small part.”
She also stood. “I understand that, but—”
I shook my head as fast as I could. Maybe I hoped if I did it fast and hard enough, the last half hour would simply slip free, and I could forget all about Roger and Kerri’s past. I wasn’t sure if knowing about her helped ease my pain or caused more of it. The mysterious woman who had been next to Roger entered my mind again. Had I conjured her up somehow? A chill ran through me, and I looked at the trees swaying in the wind.
He loves you…go to him.
After closing my eyes for a brief moment, I focused back on Saryn and cleared my throat. “I better get back in before Patty sends out a search party. Thank you so much for telling me about Kerri. It definitely clears up a few of the missing pieces.”
She gave me a soft smile. “I really wish you would talk to him.”
“I appreciate the advice, but if Roger truly wanted to work things out, he’d have come after me. He knows where I’ve been the last few weeks. I can’t fight for both of us, not when there could possibly be someone else standing between us forever.”
Turning away from Saryn, I quickly headed back inside the ballroom. With my head down, I somehow managed to find the ladies’ bathroom. One look at myself in the mirror, and I groaned.
Elizabeth walked into the bathroom and stood next to me. She opened her clutch and said, “Look at me.”
I did, and she grimaced. “Damn men,” she whispered. She pulled out a few things, plastered on a smile, and said, “It’s nothing that a little bit of lipstick and mascara can’t fix.”
I exhaled and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked tired, and no amount of makeup could fix my broken heart.
Letting out a ragged breath, I whispered, “I wish it were that easy.”
Roger
I LIFTED THE whiskey to my mouth and downed it all in one drink, then placed the empty glass back on the bar.
“Another one?” the bartender asked.
“I think he’s had enough,” Truitt’s voice said from behind me.
Looking at him over my shoulder, I smiled. “Last time I checked, I don’t need someone watching over me.”
Truitt glared. “Yeah, well, I’m certainly not going to let you get drunk at a charity dinner our mother worked hard at putting together. Get your shit together and go talk to her.”
I looked back at the bartender. “I’ll take another.”
“Damn it, Roger.”
Turning in my seat, I shot my brother a look that I hoped conveyed how close he was t
o getting punched in the face. “I don’t need or want your advice.”
Truitt sighed, grabbed me by the arm, and pulled me through a door. I tried to pull him to a stop, but he just looked at me said, “Don’t make a scene.”
He then proceeded to drag me down a hallway and into a small room. He shut the door, folded his arms across his chest, and glared at me.
I balled my hands into fists. “Move, or I’ll knock the shit out of you.”
“Do it. Then I can knock some fucking sense into you.”
I started to say something but turned away before I really did hit him.
“She’s here, you know.”
With a gruff laugh, I replied, “I know she’s here. She was the first fucking person I saw when I walked in. She’s also with a date.”
“He’s…”
Truitt’s voice trailed off, and I looked back over my shoulder at him. “He’s what?”
He shook his head. “Are you going to sit back and let some other guy sweep in and take her?”
My entire body trembled with anger. “Who. Is. He?”
“If you’re so fucking worried about it, go find out.”
I turned my back on him again. “I don’t care who he is.”
“Then why do you look like you want to murder the guy every time you catch a glimpse of him?”
I huffed.
Truitt sighed, and I could feel his eyes burning into my back. “Roger, Kerri is gone.”
I closed my eyes, and my body sagged. “It’s not just about Kerri. The last time Annalise and I were together, I…I fucked up.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I walked over and dropped into a chair, dragging my hands down my face. “I can’t take the guilt, for one thing.”
Truitt pulled up another chair and sat down in front of me. “About Kerri?”
Leaning back, I let out a long breath. “That’s part of it. I avoided bringing Annalise to my house because the thought of making love to her in my own bed made me feel…not good about myself. I couldn’t bring myself to be with her in my room.”
Truitt frowned. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “All the women I’ve slept with in that bed. It didn’t feel right. I don’t know how to explain it. I didn’t want to tarnish what I had with Annalise. Anyway, we were at my house, and things got…heated. I took her to one of the spare bedrooms. I wasn’t myself, and I lost control.” I held up my hand. “Before you ask, I didn’t hurt her. But I wanted her in a way I haven’t ever wanted anyone before. It was this desperate need. Then she looked at me—and I saw it. I saw the way she felt about me in her eyes, and I suddenly felt it too. It scared me, the realization that she was falling for me, and I was for her. Something happened, and I tried to push it away by acting like a fucking asshole.”
“What did you do?”
“I fucked her, but it was how I did it. I wanted to pretend my feelings for her weren’t what they were. I told her not to look at me, Truitt. I tried to pretend like it all meant nothing.”
I scrubbed my hands down my face and exhaled. Truitt waited for me to keep going.
“Afterward, I felt like such an asshole. I was rough, and I knew she was sore but wouldn’t tell me. I walked out of the room and left her there.” I closed my eyes tightly as I said, “God, Truitt, I was a dick, and she accused me of things…things that nearly brought me to my knees.”
“What things?” he asked.
I opened my eyes and looked at my brother. “She said I treated her like a paid hooker.”
“Ouch,” Truitt said.
“She assumed I told her not to look at me because I’d been thinking about another woman.”
“Why did you lose control like that?”
I clenched my jaw together so tightly it ached. “I don’t know. We made this stupid bet playing pool. I tied her up. It was different, and it turned me on, and when she looked at me with such love and trust in her eyes… I think I knew I had fallen in love with her…and that fucking scared me. I needed to take back control. To do what I did best. So, I took her from behind, and I lost myself in her. But I didn’t want her to see me like that. I didn’t want to see the trust fade away. I don’t fucking know… Maybe subconsciously, I wanted to push her away.”
“Because you’re afraid of loving her, or because you’re afraid you still have feelings for Kerri?”
I wiped away a tear that had suddenly appeared. “I don’t have feelings for Kerri. Not anymore.”
“Then what in the hell is your problem? Why do you push everyone away? Why did you push Annalise away?”
“When I lost Kerri, it felt like I lost a piece of myself. I vowed I would never let another woman have that kind of power over my heart again. With Annalise, though…everything feels so different. If I gave Annalise my heart, she’d have the power to destroy me.”
“What do you mean?”
I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my legs, dropping my head into my hands. “God, I don’t know, Truitt! The first time I saw her, something happened. I don’t even know how to explain it. It wasn’t like when you see a beautiful woman and you want to explore her body, spend a few hours in bed with her, and then move on. With Annalise…she brings out this whole other side of me. She makes me feel so goddamn happy. My heart beats differently when she’s near me. I don’t know how to put it into words. I feel something more powerful with her—and that scares the living shit out of me. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t make me feel a bit guilty because I never felt that with Kerri. And I truly thought Kerri was my soulmate.”
“Roger, have you ever stopped and thought about how Annalise came into your life? That maybe she’s your destiny? Your soulmate? There’s a reason you two met.”
I jerked my head up and met my brother’s gaze. “She said the exact same thing.”
Truitt shrugged. “I’m just saying, if life gives you a chance at happiness, at love, at being with someone who makes you feel like your heart is stronger simply by having them at your side, then why in the hell would you not hold onto it with all you’ve got?”
I could feel my eyes building with tears once more. “What if she gets taken away from me? I survived Kerri leaving me. I won’t survive if I let Annalise in and lose her.”
“Then you have to ask yourself something. Is it better to have loved her and had her in your life, for however long you get? Whether it’s fifty years or five? Or would you rather let her go and never know what loving her would be like?”
Truitt stood and placed his hand on my shoulder. With one strong squeeze, he said a million things at once. Then he let go and opened the door to walk out. Before he stepped out, he stopped and looked back at me.
“And just so you know, Rick isn’t her date. He’s Patty’s nephew, and he’s here to help them with a purchase they’re making. He’s a lawyer.”
I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Christ, lawyers are the worst.”
Truitt let out a soft laugh. Then the door clicked shut, and I was plunged into a solitary silence.
I wasn’t even sure how long I sat in the small room before I finally made my way back to the ballroom. By the time I got there, the tables had been cleared and people were either dancing or out on the terrace.
With a quick look around, I soon found Annalise. She looked beautiful in the soft blue gown she was wearing. She was talking to Jim and Patty, and they said something that made her laugh. The sound carried across the room and sent a jolt of heat through my entire body.
“She looks like a princess, doesn’t she?” a familiar female voice said from behind me. I turned to see my mother standing there.
“Yes, she does.”
“Saryn introduced her to your father and me earlier. Interesting, the way the two of you met. What are the odds, I wonder, that two people traveling would meet, get stuck in a hotel together, then end up living in the same city?”
All I could do was nod and repeat her words. “What are the odds?”
I c
ould feel her staring at me, and I heard the slow intake of her breath before she spoke. “You know, all I’ve ever wanted was for the two of you to find happiness. Love. Real love. The kind of love that pulls the air from your very lungs when that special someone simply walks into a room.”
I turned and looked at my mother, who was still watching Annalise.
“Roger, life doesn’t give us a whole lot of opportunities to find that kind of love.” She met my gaze. “Some of us have it and don’t even realize it until we’ve almost let it slip through our fingertips.”
“Love does nothing but cause pain,” I mumbled.
She let out a sarcastic laugh. “I guess you and I would know that more than anyone, wouldn’t we?”
I pulled my gaze away from her and found Annalise again. “I don’t think I even know how to love, Mom.”
She rested her hand on my arm and gave it a slight squeeze. “If you could only see what I see every time you look at her, you’d eat your own words.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “She’d be better off if I just left her alone.”
“Maybe. But take a long look, Roger. Because if you let her go, this is your life. Standing back and watching. Observing how she moves, who she talks to, the man she leaves with when the party is over. If you can live with that, then I guess you should leave her alone.”
She lifted her hand from my arm, turned, and walked away without saying another word.
A waiter walked by carrying a tray of champagne. I took two glasses and started toward Annalise.
A few more people had joined her by the time I approached. Annalise had her back to me, so I patiently waited for a pause in the conversation to speak.
Finally, Patty saw me. “Roger! What a pleasant surprise.”
Annalise spun around, nearly knocking the two glasses out of my hands.
God, looking at her up close only confirmed how beautiful she was. Her blue eyes seemed to catch every twinkle of light in the room. Her blonde hair had been pulled up into ringlets of curls on her head. I smiled as I thought back to that first night and the pigtails she’d had in her hair.
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