by Bella Jewel
“Shut the fuck up, sugar.”
“But…”
“Now,” he orders.
I close my mouth, but guilt fills me. What if Cade doesn’t have that kind of money? Spike watches us a moment, then cracks his neck from side to side.
“You got twenty-four hours, Duke. You don’t wire it, I give her location.” With that, he turns and walks back towards his bike. On his leather vest, I see the words “Heaven’s Sinners”. When he gets to his bike, he throws his leg over and yells, “Oh, and if I were you, I’d finish that pimp. He’s one determined mother fucker.”
Then he starts his bike, waves at his men, and disappears into the night. We all stand watching the empty road for a long moment, then Jackson turns to me.
“You got a lot of explainin’ to do.”
I open my mouth, but I quickly close it. I can’t hide this away any longer. Not now I know for sure Jasper is going to great lengths to find me.
“It’s a long story,” I say, my voice full of defeat.
“Then best you start fuckin’ talkin’,” Jackson growls.
I nod and watch Jackson turn and walk towards his bike. When he gets on, he glares over at Cade.
“Go get on his bike, sugar. I’ll follow.”
I turn to face him. “What? Why?”
“Respect, that’s why.”
Understanding, I walk over to Jackson’s bike. He thrusts a helmet angrily at me, and I put it on. Then I climb on the bike and wrap my arms around him. He’s angry. I can feel his deep breathing. He starts his bike, and pulls onto the road. As we ride, the sound of the Harley’s rumbling behind us, I consider how I’m going to tell them my story. They have an idea, but they don’t know all of it. They don’t even know the half of it. I have to tell them, which means I have to bare my soul to them. This is a moment I really was not looking forward to, but I can’t back away now.
They aren’t going to let me.
And part of me needs to be freed of this.
So I know it’s time.
~*CHAPTER 13*~
PAST
“Mom?” I yell, watching my mother thrash on the ground.
There’s froth coming from the corners of her mouth, a bloody, disgusting froth. Her eyes are rolling, her body is convulsing. She’s having a reaction; she’s taken too much. This time it’s bad. I can tell it goes beyond all those other times. Her arms fly around as she struggles for air. My legs are glued to the floor, at least that’s what it feels like. I want to go to her, but my body won’t move. It’s like I’m in a trance. All I can hear in my head are her words over the years. All I can recall are the painful, bitter memories of her.
“You’ll be a whore too, Addison. You’re destined to be the queen of scum.”
“You’re worthless. Just a bastard child and a thorn in my side.”
“You’ll never amount to anything. You’ll never make anyone proud. You’re nothing.”
“Whore.”
“Slut.”
“Pathetic scum.”
“Jasper is good for you. He’ll teach you some manners.”
I realize the tears are flowing when I blink and a rush of them tumble down my cheeks. My earliest memories, to my most recent ones, are that of the same. She never supported me; she never believed in me; she never helped me when Jasper put his dirty hands on me. When I was thirteen and bleeding from rape, she told me to toughen up. She never did the one simple thing all mothers should do for their kids – she never loved me.
As her body convulses, and she begins turning blue, I find myself unwilling to help her. I just stand, watching the last moments of her life, watching as it’s all ripped from her.
When she takes her last gurgling breath, and her head flops to the side, my tears become heavier. That’s also when the panic sets in. I just let my mother die. I just stood there and let her die. The next few minutes of my life, happen in a blur. Before I know it, I’ve packed a bag and I’m running down the street. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know if I’ll ever come back. I’m just running. Before I get out of the alley beside my house, Jasper is there. He’s always there. His face is frantic, and he has a phone in his hand. He’s seen her; he knows what I did. When his eyes fall on me, he rushes over. I would continue to run, but my legs have turned to jelly.
“What the fuck have you done, snake!” he roars.
“She…she…she…took a drug overdose.”
“You fuckin’ little slut. This is your fault. It’s all your fault. You were meant to be watchin’ her. You were meant to be the one to keep this from happening. Instead, you run. She’s my best girl. She owes me money. You’ll pay for this.”
As he steps towards me, I react how anyone in my position would. I lash out. I have to escape this life. I have to escape him. If I stay here, he’ll turn me into her. He will make me the whore he made her. I’d rather die, but he won’t let that happen either. Last time I tried, he had me at the hospital before the drugs even hit my system. He’s keeping me alive because I’m his best asset and he knows it. So, the only way for me to be free, is to run. And the only way to run, is to get rid of him. I slide my fingers around to the back of my jeans where I tucked my mother’s gun on the way out. I wasn’t stepping out without protection. Not in a world as ugly as this. I point the gun at Jasper, and he stops, his face falling.
“Put that down!”
“You’ve made my life a living hell from the day you took my innocence without permission. You continued to rip every part of my soul to shreds, until there was nothing left.”
“You do this, snake, and I’ll make you pay,” he growls, but his voice is shaky.
“There’s nothing you could do, that you haven’t already done.”
“You’re nothing,” he growls. “Running won’t make you anything. You hurt me, you’re going to end up in jail, continuing to be a nothing. I allow you to survive.”
“You allow me nothing!” I scream, my hands shaking.
“Without me, you’re nothing! You run, you’re dead. You shoot me, you’re fucking dead!”
“I’ll risk it.”
I aim the gun down, and I press the trigger. I don’t want to kill him. I don’t have it in me. What I do have in me though, is the determination to make sure he never hurts another girl again, the way he did me. So, I shoot him in the crotch. Blood splatters over his legs and over the front of my shirt. My hands are trembling so hard the gun tumbles from my fingers. Jasper’s mouth opens, and for a moment it remains like that, a silent scream. Then the piercing, high pitched roar escapes. He falls to the floor, and I take a few steps back. I stare at the gun on the floor, and his bleeding, convulsing form.
Before I run, I lean down and snatch up his phone. I open it and dial the police. The police are familiar with me; they have been for a long time. They were forever around helping my mother out when she didn’t deserve it. When a familiar voice answers, it takes me a moment to get the words from my lips. My entire body feels numb. All I can feel is an odd prickling over my skin. Sweat trickles down my forehead and my legs are shaking so badly I struggle to stay upright. I let my own mother die, then I shot a man. Now, I don’t have a choice; I have to run but not before I finish this once and for all.
“Officer Kerry?” I whisper.
“Yes, who have I got?” his rough voice responds.
“It’s…Addison.”
“Addison, is everything okay?”
“My mother’s dead. I found her this afternoon. Jasper was there. He turned on me, so I ran. He followed me and cornered me in an alley. I s-s-shot him in the crotch. I was afraid. He’s alive, but there’s lots of blood.”
“Okay, Addison, it’s going to be fine. You’re not going to get into trouble for that. Sit tight. We’re on our way. Are you sure your mother is gone?”
“Yes,” I say. “Jasper killed her.”
Then I hang up the phone, and I run.
For good this time.
~*PRESENT*~
As
soon as we step into Jackson’s house, he spins on us. His face is wild with rage. I know Cade dropping the ‘my girl’ bomb earlier didn’t go down well.
“The fuck is goin’ on?” he barks, crossing his arms.
“Addison and I…” Cade begins.
“Are fuckin’ doin’ nothing!” He spits. “Get your mother fuckin’ hands off her. You’re not fuckin’ touchin’ my daughter, Cade.”
“Dad!” I yell, shocked that Jackson would try this one on.
“You started with a fucked up life,” Jackson begins, giving me a look. “You ain’t gonna finish with one.”
“That’s not your choice to make,” I protest.
“He’s no fuckin’ good for you, Addison.”
“Again,” I say, keeping as calm as possible. “That’s not your choice to make.”
“Like fuck it ain’t!”
“I’m twenty-one, Dad. Don’t start trying to tell me what to do.”
“Sugar, it’s cool. Let him take his…” Cade begins.
“No,” I snap, cutting him off. I look Jackson right in the eye. “You made a mistake once, you picked the wrong person and you got burned. I’m sorry for that, but you don’t get to throw that on me. I want to be with Cade, and I want to be around you. If you won’t let me have both, you know which one I’ll choose.”
Jackson glares at me. “That’s blackmail, kid.”
“You can’t choose who I fall in love with, Dad.”
Cade jerks a little beside me, but he says nothing.
“No, I fuckin’ can’t, but I can warn you that tangling yourself up in the biker life ain’t the happily ever after you dreamed of.”
“Who said happily ever after couldn’t involve bikers?”
Jackson’s lips twitch, and I know I’ve managed to soften him a bit. Taking the moment, I step forward. “I want to be in your life, but I want to be in Cade’s, too. Don’t make me choose. Please?”
“I just want the fuckin’ best for you,” he grumbles.
“Then let me choose, for the first time in my life, what I think is best for me.”
Jackson sighs deeply, and then turns to Cade. “You fuckin’ hurt her, so help me God, I’ll fuckin’ cut your dick off and feed it to you.”
Cade nods. “I got ya, boss.”
“You fuckin’ treat her with respect. She ain’t no whore, Cade.”
I flinch now.
“No, she ain’t,” Cade says simply.
Jackson glares at Cade once more, I know he’s still not happy with it, but he doesn’t really have the grounds to fight it. He points to the table nearby.
“Sit, we all gotta talk.”
We all take a seat, and I feel my chest begin to clench. I’ve been dreading this moment, and yet I so desperately want it off my chest.
“Start talkin’, girl,” Jackson says, giving me a soft look.
“I don’t know where to start,” I say in a small voice.
“From the beginning, sugar,” Cade says.
I swallow, look down at my hands and begin telling them my story.
“When you mentioned Jasper’s name a few weeks ago, Jackson, I wasn’t honest. I said I knew of him. The truth is, he…he made my life a living hell. He was the one who took my virginity when I was thirteen.”
Jackson is out of his chair before I can say another word. It skitters across the room and smashes into a nearby wall. He storms around, grips me from my chair by the shoulders and lifts me. He’s powerful. I can feel it in the way he lifts me from the chair. He brings me close to his face. His eyes are wild. His body is trembling.
“All this time, all this fuckin’ time you didn’t tell me? How could you keep that from me? Fuckin’ hell, Addison, why?”
My tears shock me because they’re not something I want to show my father, let alone Cade.
“Because I didn’t know you!” I scream.
He drops me, then I’m in his arms, and he’s holding me tightly. I can feel his heart thudding against my cheek. His fingers tangle in my hair and he holds me close, and I sink into him. This comfort, is a comfort I have needed my entire life. God, Jackson, why weren’t you around when I needed you?
“Baby,” he rasps. “So fuckin’ sorry. I should have fought harder for you.”
I shake my head, soaking his jacket with my tears. “Why didn’t you?” I croak.
“I tried, baby, I did. I looked for your Ma, but I couldn’t find her. She gave me a false name. Then I searched for your name, couldn’t find that either because apparently she changed your name as soon as she bolted. I figured maybe you were better off without me, and eventually, I stopped lookin’. Worst mistake I ever made.”
I jerk, and he holds me tighter. When I finally pull back, he grips my face.
“Can’t change what I did back then, but I can change what I do now. I’ll find that fucker, and I’ll make him pay for every moment he hurt you.”
I nod, knowing he will do just that. I don’t care either. Not one, tiny bit. I look past Jackson to see Cade sitting at the table, just staring at his hands. He’s too still, too quiet. I step out of Jackson’s grips, and gently walk over. I place my fingers on his arm and he flinches.
“Hey,” I whisper.
He looks up at me, then he grinds out, “Keep goin’ with the story, yeah?”
I stare at him a long moment before sitting back in my chair. I take a few deep breaths, wipe my face and continue once Jackson sits back down.
“So, after that, Jasper was a big part of my life. He was Mom’s pimp; he was always around. He continued to rape me. Eventually, I stopped fighting him.”
Jackson growls and Cade smashes the glass in his hand, splinters of it scatter across the table.
“Mother fuckin’ little cunt will die, a slow, painful death,” Cade barks.
“Cade, lock it up. Let her finish,” Jackson rasps.
Cade’s jaw ticks, but he nods for me to keep going. I rub my hands together, take a deep breath and keep going.
“He protected my mother in a sense; she was his best client. He supplied her with drugs, loads of them, but he held back her cash. If she did something wrong, he wouldn’t pay her. Often we went for up to a week with such a small amount of food, a rat could barely survive. Drugs were the only way either of us could cope. I tried to avoid them as much as possible, and mostly I had the power. When Jasper came over though, it was the only way I could…get through. It was the only way I could deal. Anyway, this went on for years. The same shit, different days. Then Billy came along, he was my boyfriend. He caught Jasper one day, and he just about tore his…parts off. Jasper stayed away after that, but when Billy left, he came back. That day, I tried to kill myself. I took loads of ecstasy, but Jasper got me to the hospital before it did any damage. Things only got worse after that.”
I stop to take a deep breath, and when I look up, both men are completely and utterly broken. I can see it in their faces. Cade is panting, his fists are clenched and there’s blood dripping from his hand. Jackson’s eyes are glassy and red, and he too, is panting.
“Cade, your hand is bleeding,” I say.
“Keep. Talking.”
His voice is firm, but gentle. I nod at him, and push a dish towel over the table. He grips it, and briefly his hand brushes mine. This gives me enough comfort to keep going.
“One day, I got home from the shop, and Mom was having a reaction to an overdose. She was frothing at the mouth, convulsing – I knew she’d taken too much and was going to die.”
Tears begin streaming down my face as the guilt rips through my chest. I heave, and I feel Jackson’s hand grip mine.
“I…I…” I choke out. “I stood there and watched her die. I didn’t even call an ambulance until after she was dead. I let her life slip from her. I hated her so much, that I didn’t even want to save her.”
“Oh, baby,” Jackson rasps.
“Sugar, it ain’t your fault,” Cade says in that gruff but gentle tone.
“It was my fault.
I let her die. I should have saved her, but saving her meant I would continue to be trapped.”
“You ain’t to blame,” Cade says again. “What happened after that?”
“I ran. I packed a bag, her gun and I ran. I was in the nearby alley when Jasper caught up to me. He made all kinds of threats, and I lost it. I shot him, right in the crotch. Then I called the police and I told them…”
“What sugar?” Cade encourages.
“I told them he killed her.”
Both men stare at me in shock for a moment.
“That’s why he’s after you?” Jackson says.
“Yes, that and the fact that I blew his penis off.”
“Fuckin’ Christ, sugar, you should’ve told us,” Cade growls.
“I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust anyone. I was just going to run…”
“He would have found you,” Jackson says. “Cade’s right, you should’ve told us. We can protect you, Addison.”
“I know that now,” I say softly. “But I didn’t then.”
“Well, we have a fairly big problem on our hands now,” Jackson says, standing. “We got an angry pimp who seems determined to get hold of you.”
“What’re you going to do?” I ask.
Jackson turns to me. “I’m going to track him down, then I’m going to blow his fuckin’ brains out.”
My entire body jerks.
“You’ll go to jail,” I say, hearing the panic in my voice.
“No, he won’t, sugar. No one fucks with bikers.”
I turn to Cade. “He’s not a nice man.”
Cade grins, stands and leans over the table. “Let me tell you somethin’, sugar. Neither are we…”
I rub my fingers together, nervously. “What do we do now?”
Jackson gives me a determined look. “You stay at the compound during the day, at night, you’re to have one of us with you at all times.”
“Agreed,” Cade nods.
Are they serious? Oh no, no freaking way. I’ve spent my life with chains on. I’m not going to do it again. Jasper doesn’t scare me, and I will not be imprisoned while these guys overreact.
“No,” I say, crossing my arms.
Both men turn to stare at me. “’Scuse me?” Cade says, his eyes flaring with anger.