by Tia Louise
I had no idea what all was onboard the Sea Empress, and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I couldn’t swim. I didn’t care if I died, but I hadn’t gone into those details with the captain. I’d only said it was my first time on a boat.
Listening to his story now, with three thousand miles of ocean ahead of us, it seemed like an appropriate sentence for me. “What happened?”
“Snapped in two. Just like that. Crack!” He turned his pipe over and slapped it against his wrist. His accent sounded French. “But you shouldn’t worry. Cargo ships don’t break.”
“They blow up.” A crewmember carrying a long, metal tube on his shoulder laughed as he passed us.
“We’re not carrying explosives, Anders!” McKinney hollered back and started to walk, so did I. He wanted to talk, and I had nothing to do but listen. I’d be lying on my cot down below otherwise. “Our biggest concern is the weather. We’ll make it to Hamburg in three weeks easy, but when the weather kicks up, a lot of the cargo can be lost overboard. That’s our pay disappearing into the depths with every box.”
“What do we do to stop them?”
“Nothing. Sometimes we have to cut them loose to avoid capsizing.” He shrugged lighting his pipe. “Hazards of the trade.”
We passed a quiet moment, and I looked across the bow at the thousands of containers, some twenty-foot in length, some forty. I wondered why I hadn’t started at the shipyards in the first place. Looking down at my palm, I remembered why. Doc had told me to start over, to live my life. I saw where that got me.
“Many fatalities on these trips?” Something sick inside me hoped he’d say yes.
“Not at all.” He puffed smoke in a blue haze around his head. “Collisions at sea can result in death. Or pirates. But we’re not passing through narrow channels or dangerous lanes. We should be fine.”
We were stopped again, and I was still looking at my palm, the heart. It was so small. I stared at it holding all the pain of what I’d lost.
“Why are you on this voyage, mate?” McKinney was watching me.
I decided to answer him truthfully. “Nothing left to lose.”
“Ahh, so you’ll be the one out in the storm trying to curb our losses?”
I shrugged. “If it’s not that, it’ll just be something else.”
He slapped me on the shoulder. “In the past when I thought all was lost, that was when I realized what was most important.”
It would’ve been good advice in some other situation. As it was, I only nodded and started walking again. I knew what was most important. I’d held it in my hands. Then I’d lost it.
30
“Choice determines destiny.”
Kenny
I wouldn’t let myself think about him. I wouldn’t let myself miss him. A month had passed, and running had become my new obsession. I would never step foot in that boxing room again, but there were loads of options when it came to getting outside and running as hard and as far away as I possibly could. The problem was coming back.
Rook was pretty patient in the beginning, but now he wanted me to turn it into a group fitness option. He said if I took that pain and used it, I might look up one day and find it was gone. I didn’t bother arguing with him, but that was never going to happen.
I sat at a small table opposite the juice bar working out a trail route when an older fellow entered looking for me. He was thin with sandy brown hair. It was longish, in a style that used to be fashionable, and he had grey peppered at his temples. Kind brown eyes studied me from his thin face, but I had no idea who he was.
“He said his name is Gary Burden.” Mariska spoke quietly as she stood beside the small table where I sat.
I frowned up at her. “I don’t know anybody by that name.”
“Do you know anybody named Doc?”
I was on my feet at once headed to the front where the older fellow stood. “Are you Doc?” I asked, searching his expression desperately.
It was ridiculous for me to feel this sense of urgency. Slayde had known this man in prison. He wouldn’t be here to give me good news.
His brown eyes lightened when he saw me. “You have to be Kenny. I feel like I’d know you anywhere from how he described you. Only your hair…”
The purple was gone, and now it was back to straight, dark brown. “Why are you here?”
“My number came up. I got out a few days ago, and I thought I’d visit my friend. Is he here?”
He was so cheerful, but that weight was back in my chest. I’d done my best to drown it in steam, run away from it until my lungs burned, pretend it never existed, but the reality was, it was always with me.
“He went away, I’m sorry.”
Doc’s brow lined. “Went away? But that’s impossible. The last time I talked to him…” I could only assume he read my expression and realized with every word, he was killing me a little bit more. “Would you be willing to tell me what happened?”
How did I say this out loud? He was asking me to repeat words I wouldn’t even say in my head.
“He… I guess you know he was in prison for murder.” The man nodded. “We didn’t know it at the time, but it seems the man he killed was…” I couldn’t say it. That old pain sliced through my heart with a vengeance.
“It was someone you knew?”
I waited, turning the truth over in my mind like a sheet of paper. A sheet of paper that held what? Answers?
Quietly I said the words, “It was my husband.”
Mid-afternoon was always a slow time at the gym, and for a moment we sat facing each other, the silence pressing hard inside my ears. He didn’t speak, and as the seconds ticked past, I realized I wasn’t going to break down. I guessed that meant I’d finally turned to stone.
“I’m sorry,” Doc spoke at last. “I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what you just said.”
I wasn’t about to repeat myself. “I don’t have another way to say it.”
“That’s a pretty strange twist of fate.” He paced, rubbing his scruffy chin seeming lost in thought.
I remembered how Slayde used to refer to Doc’s mantras and words of wisdom. “That’s all you got?” I was being shitty, but fuck it. I was so far past caring anymore. “You don’t have some eternal truth for me?”
He nodded slowly. “Maybe. The Universe has a way of restoring balance. In some cultures, if you kill someone, you become responsible for their land, their family… their wife.” He caught my look and continued. “It’s a primitive system, I know. I’m only noting the comparison. Today we just kill you, widows and orphans be damned.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was tired, and I didn’t have time for this.
“I’m talking about forgiveness.”
Turning the word over in my mind, I thought about what it could mean for me. “I was thinking about loyalty.”
“I understand that.” He nodded. “Tell you what, would you have dinner with me tonight? I think I’ll stay at Slayde’s place. He told me if I was ever in town to crash there, and maybe when he’s back—”
“Does he still have it?” I tried not to think about what it could mean if he did. He’d be back one day.
“I’ll find out, I guess. If not, I’ll wait for you there. I’d like to talk to you some more.”
I glanced at the clock. “I’ll be finished here in a few hours. I’ll drive over after.”
“Good. See you then.”
Being in Slayde’s living room filled me with a mix of emotions. The finger paintings we’d made still hung on the wall in the kitchen, and I honestly couldn’t look at them. It hurt too much. At the same time, being here, knowing Slayde still had the place… I wasn’t comfortable with the flood of hope running through me that maybe someday he’d be here again.
“The door was unlocked,” Doc said allowing me inside.
“He always left it unlocked.” I thought about that a moment. “I guess he didn’t like locked doors.”
“More like he did
n’t have anything worth stealing,” Doc laughed. “This place is empty.”
Our first night here crept through my thoughts like a painful intruder. “He said if I ever lost everything, I’d be surprised at how much I didn’t need.”
“That’s just the kind of thing he would say.” Doc was energized. “It’s why I wanted to talk to you a bit longer.”
Glancing around, I raised my eyebrows. “Want me to order takeout?”
He seemed to remember we were meeting for dinner. “Yes! You probably know all the best places.”
“I wouldn’t say best, but I know places.”
Thirty minutes later, we were splitting take-out Thai food and discussing twists of fate. Doc was clearly a frustrated philosopher, and from what I gathered he’d been something of a prison guru.
“I’m surprised they kept you inside so long,” I said around a bite of spicy Pad Thai.
He shrugged. “The Universe works in mysterious ways. Things don’t happen when you think they should or in the way you think they should, yet it’s always right for you and your situation.”
I shook my head, lifting the wine glass and taking a sip. Slayde still had a half-bottle in his fridge from the last time we’d been here. I was the only one who drank it.
“I’m amazed I’m not falling apart being here right now.” Clearly the wine had loosened me up. It was a month old and not very good, but I needed something.
“Because you still love him?” Doc’s gaze was pointed.
Not answering that. “I’m also surprised how direct you can be when you want to.”
He leaned back in the chair, first studying the plate in front of him and then lifting his eyes to mine. “Five years ago, you didn’t know each other, and I’m willing to bet you were both very different people. Yes?”
An image of me at twenty-one flashed across my brain—pale, black asymmetrical haircut, short black skirts over ripped fishnets and boots. “I was a little different. I’ve had a son since then.”
“You’re a mother. That’s good,” he nodded.
“It was actually pretty careless of me,” I exhaled a laugh. “But I wouldn’t take anything for my little boy.”
He picked up his fork and moved a broccoli floret through the brown sauce on his plate. “I was in prison for the same reason as Slayde. High as a kite, I held up a convenience store needing money for more drugs. Clerk pulled a rifle… I don’t even remember killing him I was so wasted.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tried to keep the stony look off my face.
“Oh, it’s alright,” he chuckled ruefully. “I deserve your hatred. I should have died in that cell.”
“Yet here you are.” I thought about Derek’s bitter words to Slayde. He had a reason to be angry at the system. He had a baby boy and a beautiful wife to protect. Shaking that thought away, I put my hand over my eyes. “I think my head’s all messed up.”
“Do you believe people can change?”
For a moment, I pondered that question, trying to decide. “I don’t know.”
“When I met Slayde, he was a different person. He was driven by such rage… I’d never seen anything like it.”
My mind flickered back to the story he’d told me about his dad. It was just as painful to remember now as it had been then. “I guess he had his reasons.”
“I would pray every day.” He paused for another laugh. “I was raised Baptist, so it was all I knew to do. Anyway, I prayed every day the same thing, ‘God help me make up for my wasted life somehow.’” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Slayde would get so pissed at me. Until the day he started asking questions. It all started to change then.”
“He said you helped him.” I circled the base of my wine glass with my finger.
“Slayde wanted to change. Otherwise he would’ve never gotten out.” He was still looking at his plate. “I vouched for him to the parole board. He’s got a good heart, and he wanted to make up for his crimes. I guess they saw something in him worth taking a chance on.”
“That night on the beach, when he saved me…” I couldn’t finish. I could still see his body vibrating with adrenaline in the moonlight, his fists clenching and unclenching. I had no idea the internal battle he was fighting.
“The night you were attacked.” Doc nodded, looking down. “He called me after that. It was pretty significant for him.”
Standing quickly, I pushed the chair aside. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.”
I couldn’t sit here and listen to any more of this. My past and his role in it were problems I couldn’t solve. Maybe my soul would always long for his, but it couldn’t be right for us to be together.
Doc stood quickly with me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’ve got to get home. I’m going to see my son tomorrow.” Just like that, I decided on the spot.
“I don’t think it’s an accident that you found each other. Don’t make up your mind so fast on what should happen.”
Shaking my head, I pushed through the door. “Goodnight.”
31
“May you never be broken.”
Slayde
We made it to Hamburg without any real incidents at sea. A couple stormy nights had me vomiting like a pussy in my toilet, but nothing major cargo-wise. Captain McKinney declared me the ship’s lucky omen, but I knew better. If my life was spared on this voyage, it was only because something crueler was in store for me.
Walking through the market near the docks, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kenny. I didn’t want to miss her as badly as I did, but I knew I’d never stop. She would always haunt my thoughts.
One of the merchants made miniature dolls. Not knowing any German, I couldn’t speak to her, but she demonstrated how the tiny doll in my palm had moveable hands and feet. She had long purple yarn for hair. The part of my brain that wallowed in self-immolation imagined Kenny and me with a blue-eyed baby girl. She would love something like this. I pulled out the few Euros I had and handed them over.
The merchant was overjoyed, but I didn’t know what I’d do with the doll. Its eyes were closed, and it looked so vulnerable in my hand. Something about it reminded me of that night on the beach. I wrapped it in tissue and slid it under my pillow when I got back to the ship.
As I sat with the crew waiting for us to leave port again, headed back for Bayville, I watched the crewman Anders twisting wire into different shapes. He was Finnish, and with a pair of needle-nose pliers, he took a thin piece of silver and twisted it until it was a tiny boat with sails.
“That’s pretty good,” I said, watching him.
“It’s nothing,” he laughed, handing it to me. “For our good luck omen.”
He was something of the ship’s philosopher, and he reminded me a little of Doc. He was also the same joker who liked talking about all the different ways cargo ships could sink.
“Who do you make them for?” I asked, watching him start another.
“Meh,” he shrugged. “Wife and kids, mostly.”
Nodding, I picked up one of the small silver rods and rolled it between my fingers. As he worked, I saw a thin red ring around his thumb. “Did you get caught in the line?”
He inspected his hand. “Oh, no. That’s the Red String of Fate. Chinese legend. It’s for those who are destined to be together no matter time, place, or circumstance—an invisible red string runs from her pinky finger to his thumb.” Turning his hand, he smiled. “It might stretch or tangle, but it can never break.”
My eyes ached and I curled my fingers to touch the little black heart in my palm. “You believe in that stuff?”
“I’m a sailor, mate. I believe in omens, myths, legends, prayers.” His gravelly voice was low when he spoke again. “What’s her name? The girl who has your string? I can see it tormenting you.”
Glancing up at him, I couldn’t find a reason to hide it. “Kenny.”
“She married?” I shook my head, and he poked his lips out. “The Japanese
have a word, Komorebi. It means ‘The sunlight that filters through the leaves of the trees.’ There’s no English equivalent.”
I thought of Kenny’s smile as I watched him continue to twist the silver pin into an infinity knot. He continued working, and after a while, it was a heart. Finishing, he wrapped it around, and it was a ring.
“Here.” Holding it up, he inspected it a few moments. “Tie a red string to this and give it to her.”
With a sad smile, I shook my head. “It’s going to take a lot more than a twisted piece of silver to fix what I did.”
“The red string can never break. Now be our safe omen home.”
The sunlight was too bright hitting the courtyard on that steamy morning, the grass too green. It stung my eyes, and I wiped the back of my hand roughly across my brow, blinking fast.
The older man in the blue cotton tee and matching blue work slacks clapped me gently on the back. “You got this.” Deep lines on his face told of every hard lesson he’d ever learned, and I couldn’t help wondering if I’d ever see him again after I walked out those gates.
“I got nothing,” I said, rubbing an inked hand over my diminished midsection. Then I picked up the pack at my feet. “All I’ve got is this. What I brought with me.”
“That’s all anybody ever has in life.” The man gave me a warm smile. His brown hair hung in his brown eyes. It was a style from another era, and the grey at his temples gave away his age. “But you’re ready to pick up your life again. You’re taking what you’ve learned.”
My lips tightened, unable to force a smile. Yes, I’d learned coping skills, how to control the rage in my chest, how to walk away, but I had no life to pick up. Not anymore.
Still, I didn’t want our parting words to be cross. “Thanks, Doc,” I said with a nod.
“Don’t thank me. I only helped you see what was inside you. You had to take the first step.”
The first step.
“Right. Well, take it easy.” I shook Doc’s hand then put one foot in front of the other, slowly making my way to the waiting taxi.