by Jerry Boyd
Natti said, “Oh my, yes they did! You caused more commotion than Oak had seen in years.”
I replied, “It doesn’t help any that only the bots who were flying know how to get there, does it?”
Natti said, “No one who hasn’t seen the way you work, first-hand, could ever believe that, anyhow.”
“You folks just don’t like to believe a monkey, do you?”
“I suppose not. Our entertainment is pretty biased against you, you know.”
“I’m aware. Makes me wonder how much the walnut vendors have to pay for such a thorough propaganda operation.”
Snappi asked, “You think the media is paid to put down monkeys?”
“I doubt all of them are. More likely just a few trend-setters, and the rest of the herd follows along.”
Natti said, “Don’t be troubled, Snappi. That is the way the monkeys think. They say, ‘Follow the money’, when they begin to investigate almost anything. They believe if something happens, that you don’t understand, there is a reason, and that reason is most likely that someone is getting paid.”
Snappi said, “That seems like a cynical way to look at life.”
Natti said, “It would be, if they didn’t get results with it. You have to remember, Snappi. Even though the humans are people, they are most assuredly not people like us.”
Snappi replied, “I’m beginning to understand that, I think. Waking up on the Cernan was a surprise.”
I asked, “You would rather we kept you asleep, and dropped you off at Oak, while broadcasting video of you talking in your sleep?”
Snappi looked stunned. He said, “No, thank you. The way it happened was embarrassing enough, without anything like that.”
Nikki said, “He’s just having fun. He wouldn’t fly that far, just for a joke.”
Snappi relaxed. Natti said, “You seem more playful today, Commodore. Why is that?”
“Well, we’ve dealt with the old guard’s reaction to the peace negotiations, without hurting much of anybody. You’re okay, that had me worried. And I finally feel like I might be beginning to get a handle on how to talk to you folks and get what I want, without causing offense.”
Natti asked, “So, what is it you want?”
“Right now? How about the formula for those slick little knives you folks carry, that scan like bone? That would save my armorer a week or two, figuring them out. While we’re at it, throw in a training course on how you’re able to throw them so well.”
“You don’t want some high-tech gadget?”
“Engineering is already working full time to figure out the last load of those you brought. I want to wait to dump more in their lap. Besides, I’ve never seen anything quite like that ceramic. I think it’s probably pretty high-tech all on its own.”
Natti looked at Snappi. “I told you he was sharp. He has his Engineers going through the trade goods I brought. Knowing his crew, they’ll not only figure out how to duplicate the stuff, but figure out the principles that make it work. In a month or two, we’ll be buying a better version from them.”
Snappi asked, “Why are you so concerned about your armorer’s time?”
“We just got a new one, I’d rather start slowly, than put them on a big project right away.”
Natti asked, “Your armorer is a bot, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Why doesn’t the old armorer just download the skills?”
“The old one was human.”
Snappi said, “Oh, I see. You suddenly acquired a lot more ships, and had to spread out your available human crew.”
I looked at Natti. “He’s smarter than he looks.”
Natti replied, “About have to be, wouldn’t he?”
We laughed, but Snappi didn’t appreciate the humor. He said, “What did I ever do to you, Uncle?”
“Well, let’s see. There was that one time you ran your mouth to the cute female, and lost me half the profit on my load.”
“That was my first trip. Are you ever going to let me forget that?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
I asked, “So, do you have to wait for more minders before you start negotiating again, or can you proceed without any?”
“I think I should get in touch with my government, and get some guidance before I give you an answer to that. I would be fine with continuing talks, as long as you don’t bring in the, what did you call them, ‘grannies’?”
“They will be flattered to know you think so highly of them.”
“Is there a place I could have some privacy while I consult with the folks back home?”
“Feel free to use my ready room.”
Snappi asked, “Won’t you record what is said?”
“Not if he asks me not to. We often have meetings there that aren’t recorded. I can give you temporary permissions with the AI to request as much privacy as you feel necessary.”
Snappi asked, “How would you do that?”
I said, “Gene, would you please tile the lodge in the ready room for the Ambassador, and refrain from recording whatever he says.”
“Of course, Boss. How soon will he need it?”
“As soon as we can convince his nephew it is secure enough.”
“The younger Captain Dressi doesn’t think that I can be trusted?”
“I think it’s more along the line of he’s seen too many things that he doesn’t understand, and he’s suffering from sensory overload. I really don’t think he intends any personal slight, Gene.”
“That’s good. I’d hate to have to misfile that footage of him talking in his sleep.”
Nikki said, “When did you start working on humor, Gene?”
“When Mr. Topper got promoted to XO, he suggested it might be useful for interacting with the Boss. Did I use it mistakenly?”
“Not at all, Gene. You did well.”
Snappi looked back and forth at Nikki and me. He said, “The AI that runs your ship is working on a sense of humor?”
I said, “Apparently. Is that a problem?”
“I suppose not. It’s just so different from anything I’ve seen before.”
We took them to the ready room, and made sure Gene had the security set the way they wanted it. Nikki asked, “What now, Caveman?”
“I was thinking of wandering down to Engineering, to see what Tikki here has got up to with the Squirrel tech.”
Tikki said, “We’re really just getting started. There were a few things that I recognized, that I was able to figure out how to make with our printers, but most of it is going to take some study.”
“I noticed you didn’t speak up when we were discussing the ceramic in those knife blades. Is that because you already know how to make it, or because you’ve never seen it before?”
“Never seen it, Boss. Don’t even know where to start to figure it out.”
“So, Jackie doesn’t have a chance at it?”
“I asked Lakki to help, she knows how to get into some secret files that may be able to give Jackie a clue.”
“As long as she doesn’t leave any traces that lead back to us.”
“Boss, she was world-class before she got caught, and the government trained her on what she hadn’t figured out on her own. If she can’t get it, safely, it can’t be gotten.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it under control. Is Frank behaving?”
“Lakki has been checking all the bots’ code, before and after they are around him. She hasn’t found any changes yet.”
“That ought to be enough oversight. You do realize that in your copious free time, you need to be designing your Father a survey ship, don’t you?”
“No, I guess I didn’t. I thought you were planning to give him Midnight?”
“I think we can do better, if we optimize for survey, instead of just a spy ship.”
“You’re probably right. Besides, Midnight is small enough Dad would be wanting to get out and do foot surveys, before he had done enough prep work.”
&nb
sp; “That’s one thing we surely don’t need. Rescuing Phonelia was bad enough, I hate to think what kind of a mess your father could get into.”
Rikki said, “I resemble that remark, Boss.”
“Hitting the culture pack, I see.”
“Had to pass the time some way, cooped up with Joshua, all the way back from Oak.”
“Do you see anything I’m missing, negotiating with these guys?”
“You do realize they need peace a lot worse than you do, don’t you?”
“How do you mean, Rikki?”
“With your crew of bots, you could build enough ships to wipe them off the face of the galaxy, without breaking a sweat. They couldn’t produce ships anywhere near that fast, because first, they would have to convince themselves that they needed them.”
“I would have a hard time coming up with enough crews, even if I did build the ships. Besides, I have zero interest in trying to run an Empire, especially one composed of Squirrels.”
Rikki said, “I know that, Boss. I even think the Captains Dressi know it. They have to convince people who have never met you. That’s harder.”
“So, you’re saying I need to act like I want to be Emperor, even if I don’t, just for negotiating position?”
“I’m saying it’s a tactic you could use, if you need to. I don’t think it will work on these two, but if their superiors start butting in, it might be helpful.”
“I’ll keep it in mind, but I have to say I don’t like it. What if they call me on it? Then I have to back it up, and I don’t want to do that.”
Nikki said, “You don’t have to come out and say it, Caveman. Just lead them to believe you might be willing to do it, if they don’t get over their cranio-rectal inversion.”
“I still can’t say I like the idea, but I’ll keep it in mind.”
Tikki said, “Well, I better get back to work.” She headed off to the transit. Rikki said, “You’re serious about building a ship for me to go exploring in, aren’t you?”
“I’d rather go myself, to tell you the truth, but too many people think they need me around.”
Nikki said, “You’re not getting out of feeding these two in the middle of the night that easy, Caveman.”
“See what I mean?”
Rikki replied, “I doubt she got in that condition all by herself, Boss.”
“I suppose you’re right. Responsibilities. Next thing you know, she’ll be wanting me to act like a grown-up, all mature and so forth.”
Rikki said, “She can want. What I’ve seen of you so far, Boss, I don’t think she’ll have much success. I better go act like I have a purpose in life. Later, Boss, Mrs. Wilson.”
Nikki said, “Bye, Rikki.”
I said, “See you around.” Nikki turned to me, and said, “What are you up to now?”
“I thought the Ambassador would get things squared away with his people back home, and want to do some more negotiating, so I was going to hang around here, to be handy. Seems like he’s having more trouble convincing them than I thought he would. I’m not sure what to do now.”
“You’re saying a nap is right out?”
“Well, knowing you, there wouldn’t be much sleep involved, and I’d truly hate to get interrupted in the middle of the other.”
“You might have trouble being diplomatic, you say?”
“Sweetheart, if they pulled me away from you, I’d be likely to be plumb mean.”
“We better not do that, then. Things are just beginning to work, we wouldn’t want to screw them up.”
“I guess we could wander over to the bridge, and see how things are going.”
“You think Topper needs supervision?”
“Nope. But I don’t want him to think I forgot about him, either. If they’re still not off their call when we get done, we may have to hunt down that dog of yours, and play some Frisbee.”
“He’s supposed to be my dog, but I think everybody on the ship sees more of him than I do.”
“Gene can whistle him up, whenever you want to see him, you know.”
“I never remember that. It seems so weird, an AI calling the dog.”
“Why is that? Snitz has been around us enough to know that Gene is our friend, and he should listen to him.”
“How do you take all this in stride, Caveman? I should be doing better than you, you’re from a primitive planet, after all.”
“That’s my advantage. I don’t have preconceived ideas about how all this should work, so whatever happens is good enough, until I learn better.”
“You’re saying that I know more about how starships work, so I think the Gene should run like the ships I’m used to?”
I studied that for booby traps, and, not finding any, said, “That’s what I meant, even if I didn’t quite get it said.”
Nikki replied, “You mean you don’t have to unlearn what you already know, so you’re a step ahead?”
“Yes. How is it you can put my thoughts into words so much better than I can?”
“Women are more verbal. Even your planet knows that.”
“They heard that slam the next system over, Space Cadet. I’m just a poor, dumb, hillbilly, Ma’am. I didn’t mean no harm.”
“Who’s printing your contacts all the way out here, Caveman?”
“I’ll never tell. Let’s go see if anything is happening on the bridge.”
“Okay, but you know something is going to happen, as soon as you hit that door, don’t you?”
“Would I be going, if I didn’t think so?” Saucy sang out, “Commodore on the bridge”, as we entered. I replied, “As you were. Mr. Topper, is anyone conspiring to make our little chunk of the universe interesting today?”
“Nice and quiet so far, Boss. Charlie is making good progress getting the Squirrel ships back where they belong.”
“Any word from their fleet?”
“Nope. Not a thing.”
“Not even calling to gripe about the condition of their prisoners? That seems odd. Squirrels usually don’t lack for something to fuss about.”
Sue said, “There goes Charlie with the last ship.”
I must have gotten a strange look on my face, because Nikki asked, “What’s wrong, Caveman?”
“Not sure, I just have a funny vibe.”
Nikki broke chain of command, but nobody seemed to mind. She called out, “Topper, jump the ship. Saucy, send orders to all the ships in the vicinity to do likewise. We need to be farther away from the Squirrel flagship, right friggin’ now!”
I asked, “What are you thinking, Space Cadet?”
“I’m thinking if that fleet isn’t communicating, they could be getting ready for another assault. Those ships had sensors running, so they would know where our ships were, and be able to jump in and ambush us.”
I said, “Saucy, get me Commodore Sloan.”
Dingus said, “Are you ready for us to come back, Boss?”
“Not yet. The Squirrels aren’t communicating, and Nikki thinks that could be a bad sign. If you detect ships coming this way, be ready to jump in behind them, and mess up their day.”
“Understood, Bob. You really think these idiots will take another poke at you?”
“I don’t think we can afford to rule out the possibility, do you?”
“No, I do not, given the way they act in general. Is the Ambassador safe?”
“He’s in my ready room. If that’s not safe, we’ve got bigger problems.”
“Ain’t that the truth. Any idea how long we’ll need to stay on alert?”
“Once Charlie is back, I’ll call them, and see how they sound. We’ll go from there.”
“Understood, talk to you when you have more answers.”
“Later, Dingus.” We waited for Charlie. Topper said, “This is as long as he has taken to get back. I would have to say he is overdue, Boss.”
Saucy called out, “Text from Commodore Sloan. Fleet spotted, following.”
I said, “Good catch, Sweetheart. Tex, are
your party favors ready?”
“Yes, Boss. You want to kill their drives and stun them, like usual?”
“We’ll start out that way, at least. As many ships as they’re coming in with, I don’t know if we’ll be able keep it that peaceful. Ruth, are you ready to build a Death Blossom, when they come out of FTL?”
“On it, Boss. I’ve got some extra processing power tied in, so we can start jumping quicker.”
“Good idea. Sue, do you have any prediction on how soon they will show up?”
“I don’t have any trace yet, so they aren’t very close. I’ll sing out when I see them.”
“Good enough.” Topper said, “Your ship, Boss. You better get strapped in.”
I looked at him. “I did take over without protocol, didn’t I? I should report me to myself, or something.”
Topper said, “I thought Mrs. Wilson was in charge of your discipline?”
“You don’t have to get mean about it, Topper.”
Nikki piped up, “Don’t worry, Topper. He’ll pay.”
A minute or so passed, and Sue said, “Here they come, Boss.” The bridge suddenly got quiet. We all knew this was going to be our hardest fight yet. Saucy said, “Charlie is aboard, Boss. He wants to know if you need anything before he heads back.”
“Tell him to head to medbay, and annoy Rhonda till the battle is over.”
“He says, ‘On it, Uncle Commodore’. Is that proper address, Boss?”
“About as proper as you’re likely to get, out of Charlie.”
It wasn’t long before Sue said, “They’re emerging now, Boss.” I was barely able to register the fact that three Squirrel ships were targeting the space the Gene had occupied before. Then we were deep into the jump and shoot routine that Death Blossom required. Our first two or three targets went down easy, but then Ruth said, “Boss, there are too many. They had time to figure out what we were up to. They’re jumping too.”
“Do your best. We have help on the way.” We had a couple of minutes of hard fighting, especially since the Squirrels didn’t see fit to use drive killers or stunners, and were firing live ammo. Three destroyers were knocked out of the fight, but Steve’s Grissom was still in it. Just then, Dingus arrived with the cavalry, using the new sensors to emerge right behind the Squirrels. Dingus’ crews ended the fight, right now. I had almost begun to breathe, when Sue said, “Boss, I have about a thousand small targets headed for us.”