The thing is, I want to be a good dad. I want to be there for Lauren and for the baby. But, how? The only father figure I had in my life was a pathetic excuse for a man. Can I step up to the plate and not repeat his errors?
I left Lauren’s house with nothing set between us. We’re going slow, going to give being together a try. She needs it. She needs time to fall for me.
And she will. I won’t give up until her heart is mine.
But for now, we’re taking things slow, one day at a time. We’re not a couple, not even dating. Can I even call her my friend? We’ve never hung out one on one, and my interactions with her before were less than genuine since I was hiding how I felt.
I better not fuck this up.
My heart is beating fast, making me anxious. I stand and grab the keys to my motorcycle, intending to speed off to The Roadhouse and toss a few back to calm my nerves.
“Fuck,” I say to myself when I put my hand on the door to leave. I don’t want to be that guy who runs away to a bar to get drunk when shit hits the fan.
I don’t want to be my father.
And I won’t.
The only rule we have set is no sex. Obviously, that was Lauren’s idea. She said sex got us into this situation and doesn’t want to complicate things further, not when she’s trying to see where things could go. Other than that, there’s nothing set up, but I’ve already decided to treat her like my one and only. Because she is. And it won’t be hard, since I haven’t hooked up with anyone since I slept with her. Though I can’t remember the details, I haven’t been able to get her out of my head. She’s been there for years, after all.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I grab it, smiling as soon as I see Lauren’s name.
“Hey, baby,” I answer.
“Don’t call me that,” she retorts.
“Fine, fine. You’re calling because you miss me and changed the no-sex rule, right?”
“Hardly.” She lets out a breath. “My mom called.”
Oh fuck. “Did you tell her?”
“Not yet, but she invited me over for dinner tomorrow. We have family dinners on Sundays … Not sure if you remember.”
“I do.” Dinner at the Winters’ was the only time I got to sit around with others as I ate. Mom couldn’t be bothered to eat a meal with me.
“I thought we could go together and tell everyone.”
Tell my best friend I not only slept with his little sister, who’s been off limits since we met, but knocked her up. My best friend, who’s bailed me out of jail more times than I care to remember, who knows me and my wicked ways … who’s going to hate my fucking guts after we tell him. Yeah, sounds like a party.
“Noah?”
I blink. “Yeah. Tomorrow. Better to get it over with, right?”
Sunday dinners at the Winters’ house was always a safe haven. Colin and I would play video games during the day, eat dinner, then resume whatever game we were currently addicted to. I’d stay until Mrs. Winters kicked me out, or my probation officer came to get me, because that was the case more than once during my teen years.
But pulling into the driveway that leads to the two-story brick house is making me sweat like a whore in church. I don’t want to fucking do this. Lauren’s face is white. She doesn’t want to either. I wonder if she’d be okay with turning around and not coming back until our kid was in college. I cut the engine, nerves at an all-time high, and reach over Lauren to grab a flask from the glove box.
“Seriously?” she asks when I unscrews the lid and takes a drink.
“Hey, I need this. You know everyone in there is going to hate me.”
“You better take another shot,” she grumbles. “Then pour it out, because you can’t have open containers in your car. The last thing I need is a baby daddy in prison.”
“I won’t go to jail over this,” I say and roll my eyes.
“You might. Don’t you have a record?”
“Hey now,” I start. I haven’t for years, and it hurts—just a bit—that she only remembers me as the hell raiser I was in our youth. “Nothing recent.”
Lauren closes her eyes and puts her hand on her chest, no doubt feeling her heart race. Mine is going a million miles an hour. I take her hand, gently threading my fingers through hers.
“You can do this. We can, I mean.”
She opens her eyes and looks right into mine, causing my heart to swell in my chest with longing. I want her to look at me like that every day for the rest of our lives.
“Thank you, Noah. For doing this with me.”
Again, her words hurt. What do I need to do to prove to her this matters to me? “It’s my kid too. From now on, it’s not just you and just me, it’s us.”
She squeezes my hand and leans in, lips parting. I can’t help it. There is something about Lauren that makes me lose control.
I kiss her.
And she lets me.
Soft lips crash against mine, tasting like strawberry lipgloss. I twist in my seat and cup her face in my hands. I. Cannot. Stop. Kissing. Her.
“Sorry,” I pant when I stop for air, pressing my forehead against hers.
“Don’t be,” she says softly and doesn’t move away. Gently, she places her hands over mine and brings my face to hers, kissing me again. “We should go in.” She makes no attempt to leave. “Before someone comes out and sees us.”
I nod and run my hands through her hair, afraid if I let go I’ll never get to kiss her again. I’m not physically able to stop and kiss her again.
“Noah,” she moans. “We.” Kiss. “Need.” Kiss. “To stop.” More kissing. Finally she turns her head, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Fuck,” she whispers.
“You’re rethinking the no-sex rule, aren’t you?” I give her a grin.
“Actually, yes.” She’s grinning right back. “But no. Come on, let’s get this over with.”
Lauren’s family is already seated in the dining room when we walk in the house. I can hear them talking and smell dinner, which is no doubt on the table. I’m a bit surprised no one has called Lauren asking where she is; it’s unlike her to be late for anything. We purposely arrived after the others. Me walking in hand in hand with Lauren is going to be a shock on its own.
Lauren takes a deep breath and pulls the ultrasound pictures from her purse. She keeps a tight hold on my hand as we walk through the house.
“Finally,” Mrs. Winters says when she sees Lauren. The table is already set. Chicken, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, and roasted vegetables are waiting for us, all served family-style. “I was about to ca—” She cuts off, eyes darting to me.
“Hey!” Colin says, greeting me like usual. “What are you…” He trails off, looking at his sister’s hand in mine. “What are you two doing? Trying to be funny, right?” A line forms between his eyes as he looks back and forth from Lauren to me. I wince, feeling like I betrayed nearly ten years of friendship.
“I wish,” Lauren says softly, looking at her sister, Katie, who gives her an encouraging nod. Oh right, she already knows. Mr. Winters glares at me, and I’m glad looks can’t kill, while the others, Jenny, Lauren’s mom, and Wes, Katie’s fiancé, try to figure out what the hell is going on.
Colin stands up so fast his chair almost tips over. “No. No way, man. You and … no.”
Mrs. Winters gasps. “Lauren!”
I look down at the table. I’m fucking dying; I can only imagine how Lauren feels.
“The surprises don’t end there,” Lauren says and gives my hand a tug. We take our spots at the table. Colin sits back down, a bit too shocked to be pissed at me just yet. Lauren is shaking. I put my hand on her thigh and she puts her hand on mine, curling her fingers under my palm. She looks at her parents. “Mom, Dad … you’re going to be grandparents.”
Mrs. Winters flicks her eyes to Colin and Jenny, but when they mirror her confusion, she sucks in air and stares at Lauren. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m pregnant,” Lauren says.
“Noah and I are having a baby.”
Chapter 9
LAUREN
MOM’S FACE IS as pale as a ghost. “You’re pregnant?”
I just nod.
“You’re having a baby?”
“That’s what being pregnant means, Mom,” Katie says.
“You’re not serious, right?”
I put the ultrasound pictures down. “I figured you’d think that, so I brought proof.” Mom takes them, mouth open as she processes this.
Colin has already gotten it. He jumps up again, coming at Noah. Wes is sitting between us, strategically placed by Katie, I’m sure, and pops up just in time to stop Colin from throwing the first punch.
I turn to Dad, sure he’d be hightailing it to the coat closet to get his shotgun, but he’s sitting there, looking too stunned to breathe. Please don’t have a heart attack.
“My sister!” Colin says, batting at Noah, who stands. He’s shielding me, keeping me from becoming part of the scuffle. “Why would you do this to my sister?”
“It’s not like I had no say in this,” I snap, surprised at how defensive I feel over Noah. “It takes two, you know.”
Wes gives Colin a bit of a shove and he backs off, sitting back down. He’s staring at his best friend with a mixture of hate and shock. Jenny has her head turned down, and I think she might cry.
Oh my God.
How could I have forgotten? She’s been wanting a baby for months and hasn’t been able to get pregnant. And here I am, knocked up after one night. I should feel horribly guilty, right?
“Everyone just calm down, please,” I say, tears coming to my eyes. Yes, I feel horribly guilty. Terribly guilty.
Mom looks at me, stricken. “How could you let this happen?”
“I didn’t mean to,” I start, unable to look my mother in the eye.
“I would hope not,” Dad says. “We raised you better than this, Lauren. And you.” He glares at Noah, at a loss for words.
Mom’s hand is resting on her chest, feeling her rapid heartbeat. “You’re so young, Lauren. You have your whole life ahead of you and … and now…” she trails off, tears springing to her eyes.
“I know, Mom. I know.” Great, and now I’m crying. Noah flips his hand over, lacing our fingers. “But it happened and now … and now…”
“Now we’re dealing with it the best we can,” Noah says.
I wipe my eyes, glad I decided to forego any eye makeup today. “Please don’t be mad at me.”
“We’re not mad,” Dad tells me. “We’re disappointed.” Ouch. That’s even worse. “I didn’t expect this from you. Him on the other hand…”
“Mom, Dad, please!” Tears fall freely from my face. Katie gives me a sympathetic smile. Colin is staring daggers, and Jenny’s eyes are on the table. Wes looks a bit entertained, and I know Katie told her fiancé beforehand what’s going on. “I know this is the last thing any of us wanted, but it happened, and I need your support. I’m really scared.”
Mom’s face softens and she gets up, coming around the table to hug me. “I’m here for you, honey. I always am.”
I press my head against her shoulder to muffle a sob. Mom pats my back, holding me for a minute. I didn’t realize how much I needed my own mom until I discovered I’m going to become one.
“Shhh,” Mom soothes. “It’s okay, Lauren. We’ll figure this out.” I nod and sniffle. Mom takes my hands in hers. “It’ll be okay in the end.” She kisses my forehead then takes the ultrasound pictures off the table.
“When are you due?”
“December third.”
She looks back at the ultrasound for a full minute, processing everything, then smiles. “I’ll have a grandchild in time for the holidays!” She turns to my dad, who is as still as a statue. “We’re going to be grandparents, Riley!”
Dad blinks, then takes the ultrasound images. “I assumed your brother or sister would be the first to provide some grandkids,” he starts, still staring at the pictures. “This is incredibly unexpected, Lauren.”
“Trust me, I know,” I sigh. Should I apologize?
“But every child is a blessing.”
I sink back in my chair, relieved. I can tell my parents are less than thrilled, but they’re not going to yell at me. Not now, at least, when everyone else is around.
“How are you feeling?” Mom asks. “And when did you find out? How long have you kept this from me?”
“I’m really tired, but other than that, totally fine. And I just found out a few days ago. I wanted to tell everyone at the same time, ya know. To get it over with.”
Her eyes go to Noah, who barely uttered a word since we got here. “And you two have been dating in secret for a while?”
“Uh, well, not that long,” I say. Or at all.
Mom’s still looking at Noah. He’s always been polite to her, never causing a scene at any sort of family get together he’s tagged along with Colin to, but she still didn’t like them being friends. Noah was the wild child, dragging Colin into trouble right along with him.
“Well,” Mom finally says. “It could be worse.”
“Mom!” I say and feel embarrassed.
“What?” She shakes her head. “So you’re eight weeks already?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you picked out names?”
I turn to meet eyes with Noah. That hasn’t even come up. “Not yet.”
“What about called insurance or asked about leave at work?”
My blood pressure rises. “Not yet either.”
“You can’t wait on these things, Lauren,” Dad says and I’m suddenly feeling like a bad mother already and totally overwhelmed.
“It’s been a shock,” Noah says. “And we’re still wrapping our heads around this, but we will get everything figured out.”
“Are you going to be involved?” Mom asks, point blank.
“I am,” Noah says, deep voice steady. “I care a lot about Lauren. I have for years, actually.”
I turn to him and our eyes meet. Something unspoken is said between us, and it’s genuine. My heart does a little flutter thing and I feel some sort of connection to Noah.
“I’m sorry to spring this on you all,” I say, thinking I need some sort of closure. “But it is what it is, and there’s no going back. Noah and I are going to do the best we can to make this work, and I really need your support.”
“Treat her and my future granddaughter right,” Dad says, tone threatening. “And you won’t give me a reason to castrate you in the shed behind the house.”
Noah swallows. “I think I can do that. And if Lauren wants another kid someday, I’ll need my balls.”
I kick him under the table. Just agree and shut the hell up, please?
“Dad, you don’t know it’s a girl,” I say.
“Yes I do,” he says. “Intuition.”
My stomach grumbles in warning, telling me I need to eat or risk feeling sick. I reach out and start filling my plate. No one speaks, but some of the tension leaves the air.
Thank fucking goodness.
Noah serves himself and we both start eating. The others take our cue and do the same. Then Mom starts a string of questions asking about cravings and saying she’s helping me decorate the nursery. I can’t bring myself to look at Jenny. Just as I start sharing in Mom’s excitement, I accidentally turn my head and see just how crushed she looks. I don’t want her to be mad at me, but at the same time, I can’t blame her. Though nothing was done on purpose or to beat her to the punch. She should be having this conversation with my mother. She should be giving them their first grandchild.
Not me.
After dinner, things move along normally. The guys go into the family room to watch TV, and the girls stay in the kitchen, drinking wine and cleaning. If Noah and I make things work he is so helping me clean the kitchen after meals.
“How did this happen, Lauren?” Mom asks.
I raise an eyebrow. “After three kids, I’d assume you’d know how someo
ne gets pregnant.”
Mom makes a face. “That’s not what I meant. You and Noah … I never saw that coming. You’re a smart girl. Noah is, well, Noah. I thought I raised you better but apparently I didn’t.”
“Mom,” Katie says. “Stop with the guilt. She already has enough to worry about.”
Mom waves her hand, dismissing Katie’s comment. But Mom’s been like that, always has, always will. She’s great at a good guilt trip and half the time doesn’t even realize it.
I choose my words carefully. A lot of alcohol is how this happened, but I don’t want Mom to know her first grandchild was conceived during a night of blackout drunk sex neither of us remember.
Not yet, at least.
“I don’t really know. It just did. We got to talking, one thing led to another, and—”
“That’s all I need to know,” Mom interrupts.
I roll my eyes. “You asked.” I take a breath, feeling emotional again. “Are you really disappointed in me?”
She puts a pan away and comes around the island counter to hug me again. “Yes and no.”
“That’s not what I want to hear.”
“And this news from you isn’t what I want to hear,” she counters.
“I thought you wanted grandchildren.”
“I do,” Mom promises. “And I hoped you would have kids someday … just someday when you were a bit more ready. I love you and will love this grandchild. You know I support you no matter what, and I’m proud you owned up to keep this child. I worry about your future, but I have faith in you to raise this baby right.”
But she doesn’t have faith in Noah. And honestly, as of right now, neither do I.
“She’s not a teen,” Katie says.
Mom smiles. “Silver lining this didn’t happen in high school. Or college.” She gives me another hug. “Whatever you need, you let me know.”
“Thank you,” I say and hug her back. I can see the heartbreak in Jenny’s eyes, so I change the subject to work.
Later, when Noah and I are ready to leave—yep, I’m tired already and it’s only eight—Colin pulls me aside.
[2016] First Comes Love Page 8