I stepped away from Kenna, sitting at the edge of the desk and taking another sip of my drink as I processed. Once the first rush of emotions faded, indignation followed.
“Those are my children, and you didn’t say a word to me?”
She shook her head, as if realizing a conversation she’d likely feared was in the process of happening.
“What was I supposed to do? We had our thing and a month later I found out I was pregnant. Don’t forget, you were gone the next morning and I had no way of getting ahold of you.”
I held up my palm. “You didn’t even try!”
“How was I supposed to?”
“I don’t know, ask the hotel? I was staying there, remember?”
“I tried. I asked the front desk about you and they said they weren’t allowed to give out information on guests.”
“You know, they might well have made an exception if you had told them the little detail that I was the father of your child. Sorry – children.”
“You’re right. I could’ve hired a private investigator or something, really pried into finding out who you were. But that would’ve involved announcing to God and everyone else that I got knocked up by some random man whose full name I didn’t even know!”
“So that’s it?” I asked. “You didn’t try to find me and tell me I was gonna be a father because what, you were scared of looking bad?”
“I admit it, I didn’t want people to think of me in that way. But it was more than that. When I found out I was pregnant and the father was some man I might never see again, I took it as a sign.”
“Oh, this oughta be good,” I scoffed, a touch of frustration in my voice. “A sign.”
“Yeah, a sign. I hooked up with a guy for a one-night thing, and then he’s gone, no way to contact him. And when I found out I was going to be a mom, I was scared as hell. But then I figured, hey, this is as good of a sign as any that I can handle this all on my own.”
“Well, I’m glad this has been such an empowering experience for you, having these kids and just cutting me out of the process.”
Anger had crept into my voice, and it surprised me. I’d always taken pride in my ability to keep my cool, to never lose composure. But hearing all this, knowing that two children in this house were my flesh and blood but had no idea I was even their father…it did something to me.
“You’re going to need to watch that attitude,” she warned. “Don’t you dare talk down to me like that.”
“Fine.” She wasn’t wrong – I was being condescending. “But what else am I supposed to say? Just, ‘oh, wow, neat! Got some kids. Well, see you around, Kenna?’ How’d you expect this conversation to go?”
“Clearly, I didn’t expect this conversation to happen at all, Finn! You were gone the next morning, I didn’t know your last name or how to get ahold of you. You live in Ireland, for Christ’s sake!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands out in frustration. “But now that it’s out in the open, maybe you could show me a little respect. Because I’ve been doing a damn good job raising these kids on my own without you. And how about this – do you even want to be a dad? Have you ever wanted to be a dad? Say I’d found you three years ago, told you I was pregnant. Are you telling me you’d have been thrilled about it?”
My father appeared in my mind’s eye, that hard-faced old bastard. I thought of him, wondering if I was doomed to be the same sort of cantankerous man he was, the kind of father who played favorites, who’d never shown me a bit of love that wasn’t couched in hard words.
“There!” she said, pointing an accusing finger. “There it is!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked. “There what is?”
“The apprehension. The hesitation. I asked you how you would’ve felt about being a father and you hesitated. I was right. I would’ve told you back then and you would’ve found some way to weasel out of it.”
She was right about one thing – I’d hesitated, but not for the reason she thought. But what the hell was I supposed to do, tell her about my daddy issues? Not a chance.
“Kenna, you’re giving me a shiteload to think about right now. I go from finding out I’m a father to getting tried for crimes I never committed.”
“What crimes?”
“Telling me how I would’ve acted back then and using it to justify what you’re doing now. It’s not right and you know it.”
She said nothing, her arms crossed over her chest as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. I’d scored the point, but damned if it didn’t feel unsatisfying.
“They’re my kids,” she said, a hard edge to her voice. “And I don’t need someone who’s not even sure if he wants to be a dad blundering into our lives and making a mess of things while he figures out if it’s what he even wants.”
“That’s a hell of a thing to say! And you know what? It’s not your decision. They’re my kids as much as yours, and I’m gonna do right by ‘em, whether you want it or not!”
She snorted derisively. “Good to know you don’t give a damn about what I want.”
“It’s not about what you want or what I want – it’s about what’s best for the wee ones. And if you ask me, it’s arrogant as all hell that you’re here talking like you’re the expert in such matters.”
“When it comes to my children, I am an expert it what’s best for them,” she replied hotly, her crossed arms dropping.
“I’m their da,” I replied. “You might know them better, but I have a right to know them.”
“I’m not having this conversation,” she announced. “It’s not going to do either of us any good to keep this up.” Her eyes glistened with tears.
“You don’t get to tell me whether or not I can see my own kids. You think you can just make a decision like you did and not have consequences? Then you got another think co—”
A knock sounded at the door.
“Come in!” Kenna said before I had a chance to tell whoever it was to leave us alone.
The door opened and Duncan entered. “Guys, what the hell is going on in here?”
Kenna and I glanced at each other, and it was obvious we were equally clueless about how to even begin answering a question like that.
“You know what?” he said, answering his own question and lifting his hands. “That’s none of my business.”
“Is everything alright?” I asked.
“Sam and Sophia are downstairs,” he revealed, looking at Kenna. “They’re asking where their mom is.”
I opened my mouth, almost saying something to the effect of “tell ‘em their da will be down in a tick.” But I couldn’t.
“We’re done,” Kenna said decisively. “I’ll come down now.”
There was nothing I could say or do without giving it all away. I kept my mouth shut. Kenna regarded me with one last hard look before walking past me, wiping the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. She blasted past Duncan, slamming the door behind her.
Once she was gone, Duncan glanced over his shoulder, as if trying to figure out if he’d seen what he just had. He looked at me again. “What the fuck is going on, Finn?”
“I don’t even know where to start, but Kenna and I need to figure some things out.”
He was eager to know more, but he only nodded. Another knock sounded, and the door opened to reveal Annie poking her head inside.
“What’s up?” Duncan asked his wife.
“I don’t know what’s going on up here,” she said. “But Kenna’s in a bad way right now. I’m not taking any sides, but I think it’s probably for the best if you stay up here, Finn. Give her a little space.”
I sighed, leaning back on the desk.
“Guys, I’m sorry as all hell that I ruined your party like this.”
“It’s fine,” Duncan assured me. “All the kids are out, so the adults are mostly occupied with them. Not going to lie – people are wondering what’s going on. But the party’s far from ruined.”
“Can I tell her
you’ll play nice?” Annie asked.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Just need a whiskey and some solitude.”
Duncan stepped over, opening one of the bottom cabinets and taking out a bottle. “This is the good stuff,” he said, popping the cork open with a thoop and pouring me a finger. “Take your time, chill and relax. I’ll be here if you need to talk.”
“Appreciate it. Both of you.”
The pair left me alone, and I picked up the whiskey and walked to the windows that looked out onto the back stretch of lawn.
What a damn mess.
And I had a feeling I'd made it even more of one.
Chapter 12
KENNA
It took everything I had to hold on to even a shred of my composure. The twins weren’t making it any easier.
“No go!” Sam cried, his arms folded across his little chest as he stayed seated on the couch.
Tears were still in my eyes, and I was thankful that most of the other adults were occupied with their own children. The evening was almost over, and people were saying their goodbyes and getting their children bundled up in their winter gear for the trip back home.
“You’re not an adult; you don’t get to make the decisions.”
As soon as I said it, I realized how silly it was to talk to Sam like that. He was two - not like I was going to appeal to his logical side. He didn’t yet have one.
“I want stay!” he said, real anger in his voice now.
I wasn’t having it. Instead of arguing with him, I wrapped my arms around him, picking him off the couch. As I did every time I picked him up, I was reminded that he was heavy. Even though he was barely over two, I could already tell he was going to be rock-solid and built strong, just like his dad.
The conversation came flooding back into my mind, and more tears of helplessness and frustration welled in my eyes. All I wanted was to be home with Mom and Dad, to have a bath and a glass of wine and to forget about what had happened – if that was even possible.
Sam squirmed and struggled and made it clear he wasn’t going quietly. Sophia watched it all in silence, as if waiting to see how it panned out before deciding how to act.
“Sam! It’s time to go home.”
“No! I stay!”
It was times like this, times when I’d done all I could and still had no idea how to handle my two-year-olds, that parenting seemed like a task too daunting. Maybe it wouldn’t be if a dad were around. I could imagine Finn scooping Sam off the couch, telling him to come along, Sam mad at first but then laughing at the fun of being carried around by his father.
It was the worst possible thing I could’ve thought at that moment. I wanted to go in for another attempt at picking Sam up, but I knew well enough that if he didn’t want to go, he wasn’t going to go. The kid got heavier by the day, and before too long he’d be too big for me to even think about picking him up.
At that moment I had a flash of him at age fifteen or so, a hulking teenage boy, a young man, doing whatever he wanted, only his mother around to try to tell him to behave, no father to crack the whip and get him in line.
Another pointless thought.
“I stay too,” Sophia chimed in, evidently feeling like Sam won the battle and she was hitching her horse to his.
“I’ve got an idea,” Gavin said, coming up to my side after evidently witnessing my struggle with my children. “They love their aunt Gia, right?”
“Of course – they’re crazy about her.”
“Maybe Gia can go with you, help with Sam and Sophie. Maybe you can even get some ice cream on the way back. I’ll follow you to your place and bring her back. That work?”
It was a major, major relief. God, what would I do without friends like the ones I was lucky enough to have?
“That’d be perfect. Thank you so much.”
“We know what it’s like. Parents have to look out for one another.” He smiled and winked before heading off.
Gia hurried over, kneeling down in front of the kids. “You guys want to go to Buster’s on the way back?” Buster’s was one of the local ice cream joints – Sam and Sophie’s favorite.
Bribing with food was the last line of defense, but the way Sam and Sophie’s faces lit up as soon as the word Buster’s was said told me we’d been on the money with this angle.
“Yeah!” they said at the same time.
“Then the faster you get your coats and boots and gloves on, the faster we can get there,” I added.
They sprang up from the couch, hurrying toward the entry hall as fast as their stubbly little legs could take them.
“Oh my God,” I said, leaning against the wall. “Thank you so much.”
“No problem,” she said with a sympathetic smile. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She reached over and squeezed my arm. “You doing alright?”
I sighed. The kids had been a handful, but they’d at least given me a chance to forget about the Finn situation for a few minutes. “It’s kind of a mess.”
“Anything you want to talk about? You’re under no obligation – just thought it might be nice to vent.”
Part of me wanted to keep my business to myself. But another part knew having a friend was exactly what I needed. “Let’s get some ice cream in front of these kids and I’ll tell you all about it.”
“Deal,” Gia said with a smile. “Let me go tell Gavin we’re about to take off.”
I nodded, still overwhelmed by everything. I watched as Duncan and Annie bid goodbye to the guests and their kids, nearly all of the families a mom and dad together. A single mom, I was the odd woman out. And knowing that their father was upstairs only made it harder.
The twins returned in their winter gear, pleased smiles on their faces as if proud as heck they’d gotten ready as asked. I was happy to see them learning new things, though I did have to adjust both of their coats, and Sam’s shoes were on the wrong feet. I fixed their clothes, told them they’d done well, but they’d both been difficult and defiant up to that point.
“Alright, dudes,” Gia said, leaning forward and placing her hands on her knees. “Mom’s had a long day, so if you want ice cream, we’re going to have to play the quiet game in the car. Can you guys do that?”
They both gave silent thumbs-up. Sam and Sophia both were veteran quiet game pros.
We headed out to the car, Gia offering to drive. Moments later we were on our way, driving in silence as snow fluttered from the night sky above. We stopped at Buster’s, bought Sam rocky road and Sophia strawberry. Once the ice cream was in hand, they were as well behaved as a mom could hope.
“Not exactly ice cream weather,” Gia commented. “But my kids will eat it in the dead of winter, too.”
I offered a weak smile, and Gia’s face turned grim and concerned. “You still want to talk about it?” she asked.
“I do and I don’t,” I said. “But it’s better if I do.”
“Then go for it. Start wherever you want.”
I took a deep breath, realizing I was on the verge of breaking a secret that had been three years in the making. Finn had already found out – it wasn’t exactly hidden any longer.
“It’s Finn.”
She nodded. “I figured as much. You know him, don’t you? And not just from the appointment a few weeks ago.”
I nodded. “It started three years ago at the doctor’s convention.”
I told her everything – the first meeting, the hook-up, Finn leaving to go to Ireland, how I knew the kids were his but didn’t know how to contact him, and that now he was back in my life after all this time. As I spoke, Gia listened attentively and carefully. The twins were in the back talking to each other in between bites of ice cream, neither paying attention to the adult conversation.
When I finished, having brought her all the way to present day, to the argument I’d had with him in the office, Gia’s eyes were wide, her mouth opened. “Holy sh—” Before saying the actual non-kid-friendly word, she clamped her hands over her mouth.
“Holy shoot. You and Finn?”
“Yep.”
Her chest rose and fell, and Gia shook her head as she stared straight forward. A small smile formed on her lips. “You know, I thought you and he had some connection. Gavin and I were talking about maybe hooking you two up. Little did I know…”
“Little did you know we already had a connection. And those two in the back are the result of it.”
Another sigh from Gia, as if she were trying to give herself the time to think of how to respond. “And that’s what the conversation was about, him finding out.”
“You got it.”
“And how did he take it?”
“To be honest, he didn’t totally reject the idea like I’d imagined.”
She scrunched her brow and cocked her head to the side. “You thought he’d reject it? Why? Finn seems like a good guy.”
“He’s charming, sure, but think about how we met, Gia,” I told her, frowning. “He’s the kind of guy who sleeps with random women at bars and dips out the next morning without so much as a goodbye. He could’ve left his number or email or anything else. But nope – just a note that said basically ‘thanks for the sex, peace out’.” I kept my voice down to make sure the kids couldn’t hear me, but they were still wrapped up in their ice cream and toddler conversation.
“But that doesn’t mean he’s the kind of guy who’d skip out on being a father to them.”
“I wanted to give him a chance, too. But when I brought it up, he was…you know, hesitant. I could tell he was thinking about how to get out of it.”
“That sounds like some creative interpretation on your part,” she commented logically, though I didn’t like her logic at that moment. “I’m still getting to know him too but imagine having something like that dropped on you out of nowhere. You’d need to time to process it, right?”
I said nothing, unprepared for this poking at my interpretation of events.
The Irish Doctor’s Secret Babies: A Secret Baby Romance Page 10